I didn’t realize until about an hour ago that I am not going to sleep with my love for 4 consecutive nights this week. 🙁 That is a really long time. The first two nights were entirely my fault (I chose to sleep elsewhere) and now he is going out of town. This means that I am sleeping by myself tonight and tomorrow and he won’t be home until very late on Sunday.

I’m not happy about this. It is one of my very lame, yet almost inescapable quirks that I have a fairly serious objection to sleeping alone. I basically don’t sleep. I don’t feel safe when I am alone. I have the most horrible nightmares when I am alone. I have nightmares when there is someone there, but they are really really bad when I am alone. I’m somewhat worried about this. And now I am managing to talk myself into somewhat major anxiety when the possibility of sleep is at least 12 hours away.

I think tonight is a night that I will crack open one of my bottles of wine. Maybe two or three glasses will help me sleep.

Why can’t I handle alone time at night? What part of my psyche am I hiding from? What is going on in the shadows of my brain that scares me so much?

I’ve had a somewhat emotional past 48 hours anyway. I came home this morning feeling all wacky and tense. Now I am about to cry. How can I hide from my feelings today? Must find destraction…

I’m not sure I will survive. I am terrified of the Alaska trip for the sole reason of being off-line for more than 10 days. I think my brain will explode.

Anyway, that isn’t my point right now. I have a point. Really I do. I’m probably not going to be able to check email/lj until Friday. So don’t expect my usual lightning fast (aka: obsessive compulsive freakish) responses. 🙂 Feel free to call me and tell me you love me though. It always makes me smile.

*bounce*

*dance*

The benefits of friendship outweighed the option of doing the polka tonight. I must really like my friend. So now of course I’m all buggy to polka. I will sleep instead… and smile!

You’re never fully dressed without a smile! 🙂

This has come up a few times recently.

If I have a collar on, please don’t touch it unless you put it there. Ok, you can ask to touch it, see the hinging mechanism, the fastner, etc… But don’t just reach out and touch my collar. It really really bugs me.

I’m not accusing anyone, just being preemptive. Thank you.

And this ends our public service announcement. *beep*

So: does anybody out there know anybody who can help me locate a
lender who will finance a co-op in California? More specifically, who
will finance a co-op in California for someone whose credit is, shall
we say, imperfect? (Small business ownership tends to be tough on the
credit score.)

I would love to pass along help to this person if possible. 🙂 Any ideas?

Is anyone interested in Death Guild tonight? I think I would enjoy the energy but I am unlikely to go on my own. I will be online until 2:30ish, so ping me if you want to.

Edit at 2:00: If anyone sees this by 9, call my cell and leave a message. I will check it during the evening. I can’t answer because I will be in class. If you don’t have the number I’m sure you know someone who does. I do hand the number out pretty freely.

Is there any major obvious stuff I should fix? Are there parts of it that don’t flow? Are there concepts that aren’t clear? Is there anything I should explain better? Anything? Anything? 🙂

The most recent paper finished.

“They can always get a translator for your ass.”

Thank you so much.

I had a very interesting conversation with a couple of friends yesterday about the concept of manipulating people and friendships and associations based on social perks. It was very odd. The book Les Liaisons Dangereuses came up more than once. It was very interesting to me to think about people consciously trying to manipulate their friendships. I started to wonder if I do it without noticing. I’m not sure I liked what I figured out. I’m not sure I choose my friendships based on what I can get from them. I do seem to gravitate towards people who know a lot of people though. I think I really like being someone who knows a lot of people and can arrange to get things done when I want them done. I’m not yet very good at implementing this, but it is something I have somewhat consciously worked towards. I do give myself a little bit of slack because I have years left to perfect this skill.

I don’t need to be the most popular person, goodness knows that with my mouth and lack of tact I never will be, but I sure like knowing the most popular people. Probably because the most popular people are popular because they are fun. A friend has told me recently that he thinks I know everyone, I don’t think it is true… yet. I’m working on it though. I know that within the little worlds I move in there is almost no one I can’t get an introduction to within 2 degrees. I like talking to people and I seem to do a better than average job of remembering people and details about them. I wish there was some way to turn “knowing people” into a career. I could do well.

I was noticing yesterday that even when I am very happy with one person and enjoying their company and it is really great, I am still capable of missing someone else. This seriously blows my mind.

Noah told me that he has missed me. We haven’t spent one-on-one time in more than a week. I noticed upon seeing him that I have been seriously missing his energy as well. I felt overwhelming happiness that I got to experience his presense.

When he runs through my mind (which is somewhat frequently) I feel like a hole has been cut out of me where only Ricky fits. I miss him so much! I haven’t spent time with him individually in over a month. I feel like there is a huge void in me.

Even when I am with Tom sometimes I feel like I miss him. I miss the energy of what we used to share. I miss his attention. I don’t know how to fix the situation anymore.

I feel like I miss a lot about of people right now and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I sent Julia a card. I miss having her as a friend. I miss Anna. I feel like I miss my mother as well. 🙁

Waaaaaaaa!!!!!! Damnit I want to feel better already. What the fuck is up with my brain chemicals?!

Tom wants me to give additional information that is part of the real invitation as oppossed to the pre-preplanning stuff.

Fridays are generally not the most popular days for parties, but life is a bitch.

I invite everyone to ask me 3 questions. Any 3 questions. I promise to answer honestly. Caveat: If I believe something is too personal to be answered in public I will either e-mail you or move my answer to a filtered list you are on and anyone else I feel comfortable knowing the answer.

If you ask 3 questions, it is requested that you place the invite for others to ask in your own journal. Thanks.

I asked, so I should put it out there.

mortalcity gave me another meme to steal! Yay!
Three’s

Thanks, tsgeisel

The Alphabet o’ me.

Brezsny says:

It’s time for a check-in, Virgo. What progress have you been making in your work on this year’s big opportunities? As I suggested last December, you’ll attract unexpected help in 2004 by growing the parts of your life that are small and timid and immature. Likewise, you’ll generate good luck any time you enlarge your sphere of influence and energize your ambitions. Thirdly, you’ll feel more and more at home in the world if you aggressively seek out interesting responsibilities that liberate you from your old images of yourself. My sense is that you’ve been doing OK in all these tasks, but there’s room for improvement. The coming weeks are the perfect time to kick your efforts into high gear.

What progress have I made this year? Well, I have finally started working. I have started grad school. I have been pursuing additional relationships. I have gotten into dancing. I have significantly expanded my social network in the last 4 months. I have begun interacting with people in ways that signifantly bolster my self-esteem.

Damn. I still need to work more on these areas? Woof. Ok, I guess I can do that.

My wonderful friend Mollena http://www.mollena.com/ is acting in a show: Slaughter City http://www.crowdedfire.org/currentshow.shtml and she wants me to come see her. Of course I want to help her out here by supporting her art. *flip through date book* Jesus Christ. I guess I’m going up on May 6th because it is the only night… I…. can….

Anyone want to come with me? It is a Thursday night and thus pay-what-you-can (read: poor people come see our show). I’m available for carpooling and such. Yay. Curtain is at 8, which means I would like to be in the city no later than 7:30 including dinner stuff. There or before is ok with me. Lets go support the arts….

Oh, as a teaser–the show contains:
blood play
knife play
Mo in a slip and big rubber boots
racially charged verbal humiliation
face slappin’
ass kickin’
necrophiliac bestiality
cross dressin’
men in their undies
girl and boy titties
fireplay
transvestism
tales of body modification

Who wouldn’t want to go?

Edited cause I’m on crack and don’t pay attention to what I’m writing.

A stolen meme.

Although in a much more tightly released filter I will obsessively mull over my relationships. Gah!!!

Anthony is finally fully cognizant of the whole “breaking up” thing and it is ok now. It was rocky. I think we are going to be friends, which makes me incredibly happy. I value him as a person so much, the sex part just wasn’t working for me. I actually think it is a major defect in my wiring that I can’t handle egalitarian sex. Well, handle might be too strong of a term but there it is. It just doesn’t do anything for me to have someone gently stroke my body. Being nice to me in bed just… ugh.

Noah rocks. He really does. He is working up to being a serious sadist and he is naturally incredibly dominant. !!!!!!!!!! It is pretty rare that I find someone who won’t back down when I push. *giggle* *bounce* *swoon* He is really into me and even though I find myself wanting to be the responsible party and keep a little bit of distance… I also don’t want to. [Responsible party in the sense that I am much more experienced with D/s and I am very aware of the intense emotions that come up with a new partner and how engrossing they can be–he has almost no experience with this stuff and is probably being sideswiped by the experience of D/s in general more than just how fabulous I am. Although I would like to believe that I am fabulous as well.] So that is going, and going well! Yay. Although, dude. It has only been 6 weeks. I’m trying so hard to keep this in perspective…

My other 6 week deal (stacking the first dates is so dangerous) is even more complicated in my head. I can’t bring myself to keep proper “distance” and god I love him. Shit. Who the hell am I to think myself experienced or capable of keeping distance. Shit shit shit shit shit shit. I did finally stop being a tweaker and ask him if he is ok with me being overly interested in him or if I should continue to pretend that I am a normal person who isn’t smitten. Heh. It’s ok with him that I’m twitterpated. He is still asking me for dates. Because I like him so much I can’t bring myself to ask him for dates. It is entirely up to him if I get to see him again. This can’t be healthy.

I have no shame about asking Noah for time and trying to work him into my schedule. I think I am less afraid of Noah rejecting me. Rejection sucks.

Tom is Tom. Hm. It kind of sucks that I think of my primary that way. Yeah, he is just sort of there. Life plods along… nothing particularly happens… Heh. We spend time together and it is enjoyable. A few girls are popping up finally that he is paying attention to. I’m coping better than I thought I would. It helps that they are all people that I am already friends with. *phew* I am such a fucking control freak.

These are the boys that are significant in my radar at this point. Of course I flirt like a shameless hussy with a few dozen others. But they are just people that I run into… 🙂

http://cosmicbabe.diary-x.com/journal.cgi?entry=20040408

This website talks about levels of poly, I will basically copy it here so that I can talk about it. 🙂

Poly-ness

I came home early from class because I have a nasty headache. I feel somewhat groggy and disconnected. I have had a few things running around in my head today though that I want to try and express. Maybe I will do a good job, maybe I won’t.

I don’t know how to flirt. NO SNICKERING!! I say this because I think of flirting as people behaving towards one another in a pseudo-sexual way that doesn’t have to lead anywhere. I don’t let myself behave in a sexual way unless I am willing to follow through with it. Or, what is more problematic, if I start to be flirtatious with someone I decide really quickly that if they push that I will let them do whatever they want. This is part of my “problem with saying no.” I had several situations come up at the party this weekend that were really odd for me. I find myself wanting to play with sexual energy more often lately, but if I permit myself to follow up on that interest then I feel like I am required to completely follow through. I don’t like feeling compelled this way. I want to be able to enjoy the energy of flirting without having to fuck anyone who wants to flirt with me. I hate feeling this way! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

This is crappy in my head. I know a lot of it comes back to being assaulted. Even though I would never tell another woman that it is her fault that she was assaulted, even though I don’t ever believe that it is another woman’s fault that she is assaulted–I feel like I was culpable. I feel like I somehow caused it by being suggestive or by acknowledging that I am sexual in general. I still feel like I am to blame. I still feel like if I flirt without intending to follow through that I am inviting being hurt. I am inviting having someone violate my boundaries. So I say “yes” because my “no” won’t be respected. I think talking about this is becoming a theme for me. I’m trying to work on this issue though, I’m sorry if I’m being repetitive.

I’m trying to learn to say no. I’m also trying to learn that it is ok to enjoy the energy of flirting. This means that I am trying consciously to flirt when I feel like I want to. Now I’m starting to feel guilty because it has come up that people feel sad when I don’t follow through. Fucking A!!! I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m really not. I’m trying to figure out where the boundaries are for what is good to do in flirting and what is bad to do in flirting. If you are reading this, and I have been flirting with you lately or if I start fliritng with you… I am not trying to hurt you. I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m not trying to lead anyone on. I’m not trying to just gratify my own ego. I think flirting feels good. I hope it feels good to the people I am flirting with as well. If it doesn’t feel good, let me know and I will back off. I don’t know how to deal with deciding who to go further with though. I’m probably going to be backing off of going further with anyone for a while and just trying this flirting business. I really want to believe that it is ok and safe for me to flirt. Ok, let the experiment begin…