Mania

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I kind of forgot this feeling. Man I’ve been productive today. Shanna woke me up at 4:30. We didn’t really get out of bed till 5. I left Noah sleeping. Then I got up and got busy. Today I have (in no particular order):

-Cleaned up basically all of the small debris out in the garage and put it away or broke it up small enough for the trash.
-loaded the dishwasher and ran it
-put the dishwasher stuff away
-did a full dishdrainer full of hand washing
-diaper laundry is nearly done
-another load is in the washer
-went through extensive stain removal crap on a shirt of Shanna’s that I love. *cross fingers it will actually come clean*
-completely cleaned off the kitchen counter and scrubbed it and the stove
-cleaned off the kitchen table and changed the linen
-cleaned the cat litter box
-read several chapters in My Mother Wears Combat Boots while Shanna napped (turkey butt)
-got my nephew started mudding the garage (w00t)
-ate the best cookie ever: white chocolate, blueberries, and milk chocolate covered blueberries. I think I died and went to heaven.
-made sausage and eggs for breakfast
-fed Shanna several snacks
-Completely scrubbed down the high chair (it was disgusting)
-spent a lot of time chatting with my wonderful Sarah 🙂
-rounded up all the unused Christmas stuff and put it away

And it’s not even noon.

I think I will go clean the bathroom. I’m thinking that I should sweep the kitchen. Mopping is pointless until we finish the drywall stuff. Hmmmmm…. what else should I do…

{short list} Feeling safe

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I haven’t been posting filtered stuff. As a result I have ceased to feel safe posting about some of the stuff going through my head and I’m tired of feeling like I can’t post on my journal. So I’m back to filters. This isn’t a particularly broad filter. There are many cases of one person in a partnership being on this filter when the other person isn’t. I’m not asking you to keep secrets from your partner but I would prefer if you didn’t go out of your way to bring this stuff up. I still like all of your respective partners I just don’t want to be argued with right now.

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Bathroom habits

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Apparently Shanna is choosing this week to start potty training herself. I had completely given up on EC because she was so hostile to pottying for a long time. But this week she has decided to start asking for the potty almost 50% of the time. I think with a little encouragement from me she will be out of diapers in another week because I think she just needs a little bit of reminding. Like she woke up this morning and announced, “Mama potty poop.” And she did. 🙂

Now how’s that as a follow up to my dirty dreams?

+/-

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+ Hanging out with the blacksheep all day plus brief appearances with her Frogling and husband
+ Pastrami sandwich the size of my head
+ Seeing Mr. and Mrs. HotPockets 🙂
+ Totally awesome shopping at the Hanna Andersson store
+ Totally enjoyed the toy store
+ Shanna has behaved super well despite very minimal napping and being in and out of the car
+ Fantastic Mongolian BBQ at some grocery store
+ Can’t beat heated seats
+ Good bonding time with Dad
+ Awesome hand-me-downs

– Still haven’t heard from C 🙁
– Miss Noah
– Still sad
– Bleeding sucks

Overall it’s been a great day.

out of sorts

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I suppose it isn’t a surprise that I feel funky and out of sorts. I have a nasty headache. I’m tired and drained and stressed. But I’m at Dad’s house. If the house were a little more babyproofed it would be way way more restful. I can’t really ignore her here and that’s hard.

There’s a part of me that wasn’t 100% certain that I had a miscarriage before because I never had a positive pregnancy test. The past few days of seeing what is coming out of my body has dispelled all doubt. This is my second miscarriage in less than six months. I talked to my midwife. This might be coincidence. This might be a problem that is easy to fix with minor medical intervention. She didn’t really want to say but there was the strong hint that this might be a sign that something is Wrong. I know that it’s a small chance. But I still freaked out when I kind of had to acknowledge that. I had cryosurgery and was told then that I might have trouble getting pregnant because she was taking off a lot of the surface of my cervix. Then I had a hard labor. There is a non-zero chance that something was damaged. I’m scared.

And I’m a petty, horrible bitch. I found out today about two more pregnancies in my relatively close social circle. I’m jealous. I’m angry that my body isn’t working right. I’m upset that they aren’t having this hard of a time. And then I think about my friend who hasn’t been able to get pregnant at all and I feel like the worst sort of horrible person. How dare I be upset about having problems now when I have such a wonderful, beautiful child.

But it hurts. It hurts so much. I hate that I feel betrayed by my body. My body has more or less always done what I wanted it to. My body doesn’t have a lightening fast metabolism, but I’ve proven that I can have the kind of body I want (I just don’t care enough to maintain it). I don’t have allergies. I’m mostly healthy. The Meniere’s hasn’t actually made my life harder at this point. I have disliked having the stomach acid problems, but enh.. that’s just whining.

This is awful. This is hard. I feel broken and bad and horrible and defective.

hard

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The drive yesterday was nightmareish. The GPS took me the most assbackwards way possible. It took almost 12 fucking hours to get to Eureka. *sigh* It was not a pleasant trip at all. Shanna and I are both out of sorts. Now we are hanging out with DA and boy is his house not childproofed. 🙂 I’m debating if I am going to try and drive to Eugene today. I may stop at a hotel part way if I am just done with Shanna being in the car. And my back hurts. It’s like I’m expelling something from my uterus or something. 🙁

rbus gave me words

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Y’all know the drill. If you want words, comment here and I’ll give you some.

thong- My first exposure to thong underwear was when I was in high school. One of my long-time friends wore them and she claimed they were more comfortable. I thought then and I think now that she is just nuts. I hate them. I will wear them on special occasions if someone I am partnered with loves them. Thank God Noah doesn’t care. But honestly? I mostly think of flip-flops. I grew up calling them thongs. 🙂

lollygag- I am a really slow walker. I don’t see much of a point in hurrying most of the time. I think that most people are in way way too much of a hurry. You don’t get to look around at life if you move really quickly. I love looking at people and houses, the only way to do that is to go slow.

hullabalo- Crusty old white men. I’ve never seen a different demographic use this phrase. It makes me smile. 🙂

pasta- I could be a carb-a-tarian. Carbs are so often. And they should always come with cheese. I’m starting to learn how to make my own pasta and that is a lot of fun. I bought special flour recently so that it will hopefully turn out better next time.

kneecaps- Strangely, the back of my knees are the most awesomely sensitive part of my body. As a result I am quite partial to knees in general. 🙂

No place like home.

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I was thinking tonight about the fact that I have lived in Noah’s house for a while. If I add up all the individual stays with Auntie in both of her houses then I probably lived with her for five and a half-ish years. But that’s between two houses and never more than a two years consecutively. I lived in the house I was born in for just shy of four years. I lived with Tom for a bit over three years. I’ve now been in Noah’s house for almost three and a half years. So I passed up how long I was in Tom’s house. I’ve passed up the longest consecutive time I lived in Auntie’s house. I’m closing in on how long I lived in the first house.

Wow. It’s almost like this is a permanent decision. Weird.

Just life

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Getting ready for a party this weekend is more stressful than I thought it would be. My house is in a weird state of flux because of the garage project. There is a ton of stuff in the house that is normally out in the garage and finding spots for everything is a nuisance. It doesn’t help that I have weird/stupid compulsions about having my house look neat and orderly when people I don’t know come over. If I could manage to not care this would all be much easier. 🙂 [Just so people don’t think I am not inviting you to a party–it’s a going away party for a friend and the invitees are her friends, not mine. So I’m hosting, but it’s not my party. Kind of weird.]

Shanna’s development is no longer as dramatically quick. Her progress is still rapid, but it’s slightly less startling if that makes sense. Now it is on a more predictable trajectory. She is more and more kid-like by the day. Her speaking is amazing to me. She picks up signs as quick as I teach them to her which means I should focus on more signs that are relevant to her. I gave her crackers for the first time this week and she’s in love. I wasn’t withholding them for any particular reason, I’m just not a cracker person so I don’t have them around. I can’t stand stuff that is crispy like that in my mouth. I guess she won’t have my texture fuss. This will make her life easier. 🙂 I really should post pictures of her.

Using our not perfectly accurate scale it looks like Shanna has gained almost three pounds in the past two and a half months. That makes sense. She is eating like it is going out of style. I’m starting to feel slightly frustrated with her wanting food all day long because it is hard for me to work on projects when I have to stop and help her with food. She can feed herself but if I let her go at it alone the mess is prodigious.

We took her to her first Gaskell Ball this weekend. She had a great time playing with the other little girls at the event. One of the things that is hard for me about living in Fremont is I am far away from my friends and all events. I would really love to be able to host baby dance parties during events like that and have all the folks I know drop their kids off. I think that is even more fun than going to Gaskells but it’s not going to work out. No one wants to drive down here for that sort of thing.

I find it pretty funny that at this point I have far more stuff for organizing than I have stuff to organize. 🙂 I have a lot of empty space in my house. This pleases me immensely.

I’m starting to feel a mixture of excitement and trepidation about painting the garage. I have really cool ideas, but I’m not particularly artistic. I will have a hard time if I put in a lot of effort and it looks really bad. I’m not sure what is the best way to try and get something vaguely pretty given my level of (zero) art skill. I’m great at doing basic house painting. Well, by great I mean that I am neat–I don’t like doing it much. 🙂 But I really like the results so I do it.

I asked my bio-family if it would be ok for me to host Christmas this year because I like to share the load and not put everything on my aunt. But my cousins won’t come off the mountain and I don’t want to alienate them so it won’t be happening. So my 70-something year old aunt will be doing all the work for everyone again. I think my family sucks.

I haven’t heard from my mom in months. Not since she grudgingly sent me some money towards paying back what she borrowed from me. I’m feeling unfortunately justified in my not so awesome opinions of her. Thanks for using me then ditching me again mom. I appreciate the reminder of how much you care about me.

I’m still having to struggle with my upset at feeling used by people in general. I know that no one means anything bad. It doesn’t matter if people mean to be treating me like shit or not if they are it hurts. But I’m the only one responsible for my feelings. I can point at a bunch of different things making this harder right now but it doesn’t matter what excuses I have. I need to deal with this because I’m making myself miserable and the only one who notices is me. It would be nice to be happier. I’m trying.

Oh, and I cut my hair. A wonderful friend got a great picture: http://www.flickr.com/photos/9522728@N08/4043845455/in/set-72157622662085684/ That was after a long day of me running my fingers through it and putting it up then taking it down then messing with it then shaking my head to resettle it. Isn’t it a great haircut?! I’m pretty excited. I think it may be one of the best haircuts I’ve ever received.

Rules for my sandbox.

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This journal is my space. I get to decide how it is used. If you object to the rules you are free to leave.

1. Do not assume a post is meant to solicit your opinion. Most of the time I am posting because I use this journal as a combination of safe space for me to work through my stuff/thoughts and a way for me to do record keeping. I have a weird/spotty memory and I have trouble keeping everything straight sometimes. I am good at using tags and at finding things again when I need them. Posting here does not constitute a request for anyone to tell me what their opinion is on any given topic. I do not write for an audience I write for myself. I choose to post publicly the things I write for myself because that is a medium that keeps me writing.

2. Be respectful in your tone. I post about things that some of my friends disagree with. I have the right to do that in my space. No one has the right to speak to me as if I am stupid in my space. If you think I am stupid, stop reading and go elsewhere. I am not trying to get everyone to agree with me or to approve of me. I am posting my thoughts and opinions. If you have different opinions by all means feel free to write about them in your journal. I will not go there and tell you that you are wrong or that you need to change them to be more in line with my opinions. If you want to engage in debate with me I suggest that you monitor your tone quite carefully. If I think you are being an asshole I will delete your comments and not respond to you. I’m not ok with my journal being turned into a space that causes me stress.

3. I am not completely opposed to debate. Sometimes debate can be really awesome. Most of the time I am content to leave the debate to other people who are able to do so more calmly than I can. There is one frequent commenter in particular (Mr. NotMyRealName) who can open debate on my journal at any time on any topic. This is because he never implies in even the smallest of particulars that I might be stupid. Even on topics where he feels a rather high level of frustration (it seems) he manages to still debate in a way that is respectful and polite to all involved. If you like debating on my journal it is worthwhile to watch for his posts because I could not possibly come up with a better example of the sort of disagreement/debate I welcome.

4. Don’t bother to leave a comment that begins with, “I think you should” because I am not interested in hearing it. If you really really want to give me advice on a topic where I have not solicited your advice you can leave a comment saying, “I’m really bursting with a piece of advice I want to give you. Is it ok to share it?” Sometimes I will say yes and sometimes I will say that it isn’t a good time. It isn’t a personal rejection if I am not in the mood to hear it. I regulate most of my life pretty carefully to avoid stress and my personal reactions to unsolicited advice are such that I need to minimize it wherever possible and I can only do that completely in some circumstances and I need to do that where I can.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I am not on any form of medication. I regulate these disorders by having a pretty firm control on my life and the stress points in my life. I am not always capable of responding in a completely “rational” manner to things that other people believe I should. I am always doing my best. Comments, tone, and attitude affect me far more than other people believe they “should”. It is absolutely completely and totally irrelevant to me if anyone believes that I “should” be able to do things in a way that I cannot. In other situations in my life (face to face interactions, other people’s journals, other forums, etc.) I do not get to have much control over how people interact with me and I deal with that. Here I get to have iron control and it is good for me. I do not care if you disagree with me about any of the ways I enforce rules in my journal. I need to do it and I do not need to assuage anyone else’s ego.

I probably should simply turn off comments entirely. They are frequently a source of stress for me. However, comments are frequently my main interactions with a large number of people I like very much. So instead I am asking that people who supposedly like me honor the rules I set down for my space. I will talk about things that will frustrate you, anger you, piss you off, annoy you, and make you want to smack me upside the head. I am not going to be silent just so you don’t have to have those feelings. Pretty much everyone who reads this is a grown up. You get to be responsible for your own feelings and you don’t get to tell me how I should change my opinions or actions so that you don’t have to experience any of those feelings of upset. They are yours to manage. You can set rules in your space for managing them. I am setting rules in my space for managing my own feelings. You can abide by them or leave.

The harshness of this aside, I do appreciate that my friends usually speak out of concern for me, Shanna, or whatever it is that I am talking about. I have intelligent, well-spoken friends. Many of you mean very well but your tone sucks. I am not saying that I hate any of you or that I don’t want interactions with you. What I am saying is that I want and need a space safe from criticism and hostility and I will get that even if I have to stop interacting with you to get it.

Well isn’t that funny.

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Shanna’s pediatrician tried really hard to talk me into the H1N1 vaccine. I told him I would go home and do more research. He said that 15% of women in their third trimester who get it have died. That’s scary. Well, yes that does sound scary. Until you go to the CDC site and look at more information. One person died. One. And she had asthma which is a known complication that makes it more likely you will die. And the regular flu vaccine? 90% of people who die from normal seasonal flu are over 65. The other 10% usually have some sort of other medical complications.

Here are some shots I’m skipping, thanks.

It’s official

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I’m going to Portland. Just to visit people, I’m not moving or anything. 🙂

On the 16th of November I leave my house and drive to Eureka. I will be staying with a friend overnight and chit-chatting. 🙂
On the 17th I drive to Eugene and stay with a different friend. We have lots and lots to talk about because I haven’t seen her since before I got pregnant.
On the 18th I drive up to Dad’s in Vancouver. I am staying there till the Friday after Thanksgiving. It means I am missing Turkeyfest, which is very sad. Noah is thinking he might go without me. 🙂

So, would anyone like to see me up in Portland?

Ladder!

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So next Tuesday we will be putting drywall up in my garage. This is very exciting to me. I am curious if anyone has a ladder I can borrow. Probably not more than 8′ and 6′ would be better.

In addition to generically begging for a ladder, if you have time on Tuesday during the day this is the sort of project where additional help could be really really handy. 🙂