Still looking for balance

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I have this little problem. I have a hard time being bad at things. This is a problem because there are a lot of things I really want to do/be able to do and I have enormous psychological issues getting past the ‘beginner’ stage. I would rather madly love to be able to sew and be crafty. When I run into small issues I more or less stomp my feet and declare that I just can’t do it and I go cry. Very mature and all that. But I don’t exactly want Shanna to be like this because there is a whole world of things she currently can’t do. So I need to start working on this. It’s hard for me.

I also have this problem of feeling like if I take downtime then obviously I am a lazy git and I just suck. This isn’t true, but guilt overwhelms me a lot of the time. This is even worse because I project this onto Noah and treat him like he is a lazy git for wanting down time. It’s not very nice of me. In my defense I have done a lot of work on that and I am way better towards him than I used to be. I can still improve quite a bit though.

Some days I feel overwhelmed by the long list of ways in which I am a deeply flawed human being. There are so many things “I need to work on” that I feel like there isn’t much of a point and I should just quit. I obviously suck. Why bother working on anything? ARGH!

I finally got the Google Reader set up today. This pleases me. Now I can actually keep up with the myriad of neat parenting and homeschooling blogs I like. See, I did something new to me. I realize it wasn’t rocket science or anything but that little hurtle is a big one for me.

We finished doing the insulation! By “we” of course I mean Taylor. I think I owe Taylor something like five years of favors for this project. I do help…a little… but mostly he has been doing the work. Of course I feel a lot of guilt for this. This project has given me some interesting stuff to chew on. I really admire guys who are handy and into household projects. I think that is just fricken awesome. Of course then I married a guy who isn’t like that. It means that I have a hard time appreciating it sufficiently when Noah does stuff because I treat him like he still isn’t doing enough–that’s not exactly incentive for him to try, now is it? Let me be clear here: Noah does a lot of stuff around the house. He just doesn’t do house projects for fun. They are different categories of stuff. Noah’s idea of a fun project is something involving a computer and several hours of me and Shanna leaving him alone. 🙂 It’s different. So if I want house project stuff done I should work on getting better at doing it myself. I am more grateful to Taylor than I can adequately express in this space because fiberglass insulation by myself with Shanna would be an f’in nightmare. Thank God I didn’t have to do that. It would have taken me a year. But I need to stop getting myself into situations where I expect a man to come rescue me. I need to get better at doing stuff myself or not starting at all. Erf.

I’m having a hard time finding balance between social time and time at home. I feel super super busy lately and I’m falling behind on house chores. But if I stay home much more I start feeling depressed and lonely. I don’t know where the ‘just right’ balance is here and it’s hard. Maybe part of the problem is that I spend too much time out of the house being social and almost zero time in my house being social. Hm.

Saying this for me.

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One small problem with finding the kids on Facebook is that it is making me miss teaching even more. It’s been a constant ache since I left almost two years ago. I’m no longer dreaming about teaching several times a week. I think that might get even less frequent once the last of ‘my’ kids graduate at the end of this school year; we’ll see. So I have to remind myself why I am staying home.

I’m staying home because there is a lot of research showing that kids do better with a stay at home parent. Especially given how demanding teaching is of both my time and energy I don’t think I would be as good of a parent if I worked. I was drained every day after teaching. When I got home I was exhausted. I don’t think I would be able to be patient and play with her after work. I don’t think that I am a good enough person to pump for years and I think that breastmilk is a big enough deal that I want Shanna to have it for as long as she feels she needs it. I also think I would be just as crappy at working during the next pregnancy as I was during the last one.

Boundary stuff

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I’ve kind of realized something recently. I’m having a lot of trouble with anxiety and frustration. I’m having a really hard time with mood swings. I think that a lot of the problem is that I am allowing myself to get into positions repeatedly where I feel like I ‘have’ to put up with stuff I don’t like. Where in the hell are my lauded boundaries?! I’m going to stop being in the position where I have expectations of flaky people. It’s bothering me a lot.

Noah has found a way to change some of the stresses within our lives and that’s really awesome. Go him.

I’ve thought quite a bit lately about trying psych meds again because of how bad things have been for me. But I don’t want to be on meds. I know what I need to do if I am going to stay off of meds. It’s going to involve stepping on a few toes and stating some boundaries in ways that might piss people off or hurt feelings but my sanity is worth that. I can’t be a good mom as long as I am blowing in the wind of other peoples indecision and moods.

I need to stop bitching about the people who suck and just cut them out of my life. It isn’t worth going up and down with them. I suffer from it. They aren’t worth it.

I could probably figure this out

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The rumor is that I’m a smart girl and all… but hey! Lazyweb! I’m sure there is some easy way for me to start following a bunch of blogs on blogspot but I have no idea what that way is. I get kind of annoyed with having to go to each separate url from my bookmarks–if that doesn’t reveal modern laziness I don’t know what does. So, does anyone have a super easy shortcut to tell me about?

Oh, and in other news: you all don’t post nearly enough. 😛

I needed this.

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SO I found a couple of students on facebook whom I remembered particularly fondly. Then the flood came. And more are coming! And they are going on and on about how wonderful I am and how much I impacted their lives. They think I’m funny. They think I’m brilliant. They think I am insightful. I can feel my ego inflating as I read. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately that I practically want to crawl to them and grovel in gratitude.

Despite the fact that most of my ‘friends’ don’t really give me the time of day–my students love me. I’ll take it.

*whine*

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I’m having oral surgery today. I’m still in the process of fixing shoddy dental work done when I was a kid. I’ve been on antibiotics since yesterday. I feel like I was hit by a truck. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I feel dizzy and disoriented. My neck muscles are super tight and painful. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Shanna’s not up for that option though. Man. This almost makes me wish I could use the tv as a babysitter. 😛

Wow, this is going to be complicated

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Shanna was talking about her vulva this morning and acting questioning (this is where her language skills get a bit muddy) and I said, “Yup all girls have vulvas.” And then I stopped. Actually, no. All girls don’t have vulvas. But most girls do. And very few boys have vulvas. Man. I think things are going to be complicated to explain to her.

Stuff and such

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Shanna fell asleep on my lap. She hasn’t done this in a while. My foot is now asleep. I guess she’s gained some weight. 🙂

I discovered this morning that I am in Trouble. I wondered why the ASL class was moving so slowly given that it is a 5 unit course. Now I know. The reason we learn very little new in class is because you are supposed to spend a ridiculous amount of time in the lab learning everything by yourself. Uhm, thanks? Getting enough time in the lab is going to be a serious problem. They are open for very limited hours, 100% of which overlap with Noah’s work schedule. They seem to believe that only full time college students with no jobs or kids should be allowed to take ASL. Fuckers. (Technically it isn’t their fault. The problem is state budget cuts. But I can still feel whiny.)

I went out yesterday! I went to the fair and had a fabulous time. I ran into people from all over the country, many of whom I have not seen in 3+ years. 🙂 I didn’t even make a full circuit of the booths because I got there a bit late and the crowd was getting to me. I had a really great time though and I got a waist cincher from Dark Garden! w00t! I have the most generous of husbands. 🙂 Noah stayed home with the short one and he got to learn firsthand why I believe we need to acquire more board books. 🙂 It gets a bit old reading them over and over and over again. Before anyone suggests the library: Shanna is a book eater. She will grow out of this in time but for now it isn’t cool for us to have books for her that need to be well treated. I would feel horribly guilty about damaging library books. I feel confident that this stage can’t last too much longer. 🙂

I was thinking about it yesterday and I came to the conclusion that I am really glad I didn’t try real hard to have “my own time” when Shanna was smaller. I wasn’t ready. I felt anxious the entire time I was away from her. I didn’t enjoy myself. Now I can take off for a day and have fun and feel confident that it is ok and developmentally good for both of us. Yesterday was probably a bit longer than Shanna is thrilled about, but she didn’t spend the time having a temper tantrum so I think we did ok. I like feeling confident in my parenting choices. I’m super glad I ignored everyone who told me that I ‘had’ to get away from her early on. No, I didn’t. It would have sucked for all concerned. Now I can go do stuff and she does fine and I do fine and daddy does fine. We win!

It’s going to be a great day.

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Noah and I stayed up far far too late talking about all kinds of deep personal scary stuff. I didn’t know we had so much of that left. It was really nice to feel close like that.

And now Shanna is big enough to wear the ubercute clothes she got last Christmas! She’s wearing one of the awesome one-piece outfits she got from her Uncle Ben. 🙂 I should take pictures. 🙂

I should post pictures. Oy. I’ll do it someday.

And then we got a call from our mortgage broker! Whoo hoo! Rates dropped! I’m terribly excited about this.

Shanna is now saying please with very little prompting! She will even cut the whining to say please. Whoo hoo!

And we have a date night tonight! We so win!

Finally writing about the tattoo

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Quite some time ago (more than three years) I embarked on the journey of permanent body modification. I didn’t start the project lightly. I assumed for most of my life that I would never get a tattoo because they were usually a bad idea. But I started dreaming about this tattoo and I decided that I wanted to do it.

So here is the story, once again, including pictures. Continue reading →

Brain dump

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-I got some plants from essaying in I think January (maybe early February) and planted them pretty randomly in my yard. They are still alive and thriving with inconsistent watering using only gray water from washing dishes. I think that is pretty rad. Of course my yard still looks like shit but that’s because of all the huge expanses of bare dirt between the small pockets of healthy thriving plants. 🙂 I need to plant more stuff out there.

-By contrast my food plants in the back yard aren’t doing so hot. I water them using fresh water because I have concerns about dumping that much soap on food plants. I don’t water them very consistently. oops. I did get a lot of tomatoes and they are all still alive so I feel like that was an ok first growing season of my life. 🙂

-Noah and I had a “conversation” *cough* this morning about how we each need to take responsibility for own happiness. Mostly this consisted of me being very upset about how hard I have tried to make him happy but my efforts have failed. So forget that noise. That strategy is obviously not working and it is time to try a new one. My wonderful husband managed to stay calm and collected and not bent out of shape when my tone of voice sucked. I’m so lucky to have him.

-Shanna went out back and played in her sand box for over half an hour this morning with no prompting from me. This getting bigger business is awesome.

-I keep thinking that I should track my emotions over a few months and see how it coincides with my cycle. I have been pretty upbeat and cheerful and energetic today and far more willing to put out energy in a social way than I was a few days ago when I whined about how no one loves me. I think that a complete lack of menstrual cycle was a lot of why I was in such a good mood for the whole first year of Shanna’s life. I stepped off the roller coaster and it was so nice.

-I think that the reason I feel so alienated in mom groups is because I am not there because we have much in common other than spawning. I feel like it is the worst parts of going to public school all over again. You are together with people you may or may not like for an arbitrary reason. Wow does that not work for me. I wish more of my friends would spawn. And then have the energy to be at least a little social. 😛

And now Shanna needs a nap. So I run off. 🙂

Holy shit.

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Facebook has been one long series of surprises today. This is actually really awesome. I have plans next Thursday evening with a girl I was good friends with in junior high. I spent a while messaging back and forth with another chick I knew from junior high; this is the one who introduced me to goth and vampires and all that shit. She’s now a lesbian living in London. I think that is pretty awesome. 🙂 A guy I started being friends with in junior high and it continued through high school is hitting on me. A guy that I admired a lot in high school for his brains is in grad school at UC Berkeley after graduating from Harvard and man did he get hot. He grew into his face. 🙂

And… my brother accepted my friend request. This is a HUGE deal. My brother hasn’t spoken to me in years. I get to see pictures of his kids. He has been unwilling to allow pictures to circulate in the family. I almost cried when he said yes. His kids are so big. The oldest is in fourth grade, the middle is in first, and the baby is four years old. I’ve never met the youngest and I haven’t seen the middle child since he was a few months old.

Holy crap. Ok, I’m glad I joined Facebook.

Damn you all

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It seems that all of the social traffic stuff I used to get from LJ has moved on to Facebook and Twitter. I fucking hate Twitter so that is right out. I guess I have to do Facebook. I’m not happy about this. I totally resent their policies. But it’s awfully lonely on the internet with only LJ these days. (I really need to ditch MDC so I’m not counting it.)

Post-Pity Party

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After writing about how upset I was with putting in all the effort I had a day where I had a bunch of stuff pre-scheduled. All of it was at my initiation (See KJB–I do try) and things went extraordinarily well. Noah and I ran around all day starting at 9:30 in the morning and not getting home until 1:30 in the morning. That is a flippin long day for us. We went from event to event. I started off the day with a major temper tantrum about stupid shit. In the midst of my temper tantrum I whacked my head on a wall and that managed to reset my mood completely. The throb demonstrated how truly ridiculous my whining was. We had a wonderful day and it was largely because I stayed upbeat and positive all day long. I really don’t want my method of self-help to become whacking my head against a wall but it was surprisingly effective.

And have I mentioned that my husband is amazingly hot? Thank you to the people who contributed to me having such a good day.

 

Two things

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Noah’s parents sent us a box of stuff for Shanna. She loves the duck. The book is a bit over her head so it will go on the shelf for later reading. The clothes are all very adorable. There is something funny about the clothes though. They sent a mix of sizes. As in: 6/9 month, 12 month, and size 5. She wears 18 month and is rapidly heading towards 24 month. I find this kind of funny. 🙂 The too small stuff will go into the baby clothes box and Little TBD might wear it. Luckily we have a box of WAY too big stuff (started with that excellent juggling shirt from Andrew) so we can store stuff for later. 🙂 At least his parents send clothes I like unlike my mother. 🙂

I think I need to give up on having friends. My life is pretty lonely and I need to figure out how to come to terms with it because fighting against it is making me really miserable. Very few people are willing to make any effort to see me and even those people are too busy to do it often. I’m tired of being the one to put in 100% of the effort in relationships. I’m tired of trying to make new friends and having it go pretty badly. Like driving 30 minutes to south San Jose for a play date only to find that the mom I am meeting brought a friend and they sit there talking to each other…in Russian. I feel like going through a list of the things I try to do is a comedy of errors but it’s gone on long enough that I’m not laughing anymore. Scene people have dropped me completely. Shanna goes to sleep at 8/8:30 so dancing just isn’t an option. This is my life. People don’t want to visit me. I need to stop fighting it and just accept it so that maybe I can stop crying.

Cranky

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I have been in a flamingly bad mood lately and I don’t entirely understand why. I’m normally somewhat caustic but lately I’m being a total bitch and it’s not cool. I’m trying to monitor my tone of voice but I’m not being perfectly successful. I apologize in advance if I snap at you, I probably don’t really mean it. 🙁