But I’m pretty darn sure I want a food processor for Christmas. Given the ridiculous amount of cooking from scratch I do (daily) the chopping of vegetables is way old. Mmmmm more power.
Of course I am doing research online, but it seems to be a toss up between Cuisinart and KitchenAid. Any strong opinions you want to share with me on this topic?
I appear to have zero interest in Halloween this year. We aren’t doing anything. I think we will probably get some candy and hand it out but I don’t plan to dress up. I have no plans for dressing up the kidlet either. I just don’t care. Meh.
Thanksgiving isn’t feeling particularly interesting either. Just… meh.
But I’m excited about Christmas. I’m thrilled about being able to get Shanna cool toys. I’m kind of weird about buying toys ‘just because’ throughout the year. So this feels like my excuse to get her stuff, which I want to do anyway. I’m kind of weird.
I have invited my bio-family to come over for Christmas dinner but I’m not sure they will do it. I have one whole ‘wing’ of the family who doesn’t like me much and I think they would just skip a family Christmas event rather than come here. If they are going to say no then I am not going to host at all because I would feel bad about keeping them from seeing everyone else. It sucks being a pariah.
So yeah. I kind of wish I had a chosen family thing going these days but that isn’t working out. So maybe Noah and Shanna and I will just stay home by ourselves. That way I don’t have to worry about people hating me or flaking at the last minute.
The problem is that I’m a pretty hardcore extrovert. It takes a lot of people time before my cup feels full. Noah has been trying really hard lately to help meet my needs. I appreciate that. It’s hard for him. He’s not an extrovert. He needs alone time. But he’s paying great attention to me and I need to focus on that for a bit. Best husband ever!
For all that I’m really frustrated with attempting to be social (and boy howdy I am) I’m overall doing ok with my life. I’m not bitter or miserable minute by minute. Just frustrated when I think about how crappy many people are.
So I keep saying that people suck and then other people feel defensive. In the past six days (or five, depending on how you count) I’ve had four people no-show on plans. Just not show up. Not say anything about canceling in any way. I’ve heard from one of those people since saying, “Oops. I fell asleep. I’m sorry.” But the other three? Complete silence. For some reason it seems to be bad form to point out that people are behaving like total assholes. You are supposed to just suck it up or shrug or something. Fuck it.
So this is why I’m pretty hostile about people.
It’s time for a hair cut. I’m looking around the internet and these are the things that are popping out at me. Kind of the point is that I am trying to cut off the damage from dying my hair. Right now it mats so badly in half an hour that I can’t wear it down.
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Cookie season is upon us! It’s the time of year when we must all worship Fat Satan. (Blame Noah for that bit.) Six dozen chocolate chip pecan cookies. Shanna is very much Noah’s daughter. She’s kind of obsessed with the cookie dough. It was cute.
Shanna is currently down for her second nap of the day. We haven’t done that in a while. I think it’s because she woke up at FIVE THIRTY THIS MORNING. Freakin kid. Doesn’t she know I was out late drinking? Sheesh. No respect. 😉
I’m really enjoying the “whoo hoo winter is coming” feeling of the day. On that note, I think I’ll go have some hot cocoa. 🙂
Could you people post a few times today? I really want to get that annoying auto-start video off my main page. Thanks! 🙂
There is this one customer service guy who keeps calling to check up on the computer. The computer that isn’t here. When I tell him it isn’t here he is really snotty and asks when it will be here. When I tell him I don’t know he scoffs. You know that scoffing noise in the back of the throat? I’m really tempted to tell him he is a fucking asshole and I want to talk to his manager. Part of the problem is he is calling from India and I can’t understand him. The problem isn’t his accent, the problem is the quality of the phone call. I can barely hear him and when I ask him to speak up he gets really rude. He has called three times. I think I hate him.
Before people jump down my throat I AM NOT POSTING THIS BECAUSE I AGREE WITH EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF INFORMATION IN THIS POST. Did I say that clearly enough? Please don’t start lecturing me because I am stupid enough to believe something like this, thanks.
But anyway! With that lead up! Here is an article that says we should be grateful to the Duggars because their kids will be paying for our Social Security: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203917304574413792994350108.html
I have this little problem. I have a hard time being bad at things. This is a problem because there are a lot of things I really want to do/be able to do and I have enormous psychological issues getting past the ‘beginner’ stage. I would rather madly love to be able to sew and be crafty. When I run into small issues I more or less stomp my feet and declare that I just can’t do it and I go cry. Very mature and all that. But I don’t exactly want Shanna to be like this because there is a whole world of things she currently can’t do. So I need to start working on this. It’s hard for me.
I also have this problem of feeling like if I take downtime then obviously I am a lazy git and I just suck. This isn’t true, but guilt overwhelms me a lot of the time. This is even worse because I project this onto Noah and treat him like he is a lazy git for wanting down time. It’s not very nice of me. In my defense I have done a lot of work on that and I am way better towards him than I used to be. I can still improve quite a bit though.
Some days I feel overwhelmed by the long list of ways in which I am a deeply flawed human being. There are so many things “I need to work on” that I feel like there isn’t much of a point and I should just quit. I obviously suck. Why bother working on anything? ARGH!
I finally got the Google Reader set up today. This pleases me. Now I can actually keep up with the myriad of neat parenting and homeschooling blogs I like. See, I did something new to me. I realize it wasn’t rocket science or anything but that little hurtle is a big one for me.
We finished doing the insulation! By “we” of course I mean Taylor. I think I owe Taylor something like five years of favors for this project. I do help…a little… but mostly he has been doing the work. Of course I feel a lot of guilt for this. This project has given me some interesting stuff to chew on. I really admire guys who are handy and into household projects. I think that is just fricken awesome. Of course then I married a guy who isn’t like that. It means that I have a hard time appreciating it sufficiently when Noah does stuff because I treat him like he still isn’t doing enough–that’s not exactly incentive for him to try, now is it? Let me be clear here: Noah does a lot of stuff around the house. He just doesn’t do house projects for fun. They are different categories of stuff. Noah’s idea of a fun project is something involving a computer and several hours of me and Shanna leaving him alone. 🙂 It’s different. So if I want house project stuff done I should work on getting better at doing it myself. I am more grateful to Taylor than I can adequately express in this space because fiberglass insulation by myself with Shanna would be an f’in nightmare. Thank God I didn’t have to do that. It would have taken me a year. But I need to stop getting myself into situations where I expect a man to come rescue me. I need to get better at doing stuff myself or not starting at all. Erf.
I’m having a hard time finding balance between social time and time at home. I feel super super busy lately and I’m falling behind on house chores. But if I stay home much more I start feeling depressed and lonely. I don’t know where the ‘just right’ balance is here and it’s hard. Maybe part of the problem is that I spend too much time out of the house being social and almost zero time in my house being social. Hm.
One small problem with finding the kids on Facebook is that it is making me miss teaching even more. It’s been a constant ache since I left almost two years ago. I’m no longer dreaming about teaching several times a week. I think that might get even less frequent once the last of ‘my’ kids graduate at the end of this school year; we’ll see. So I have to remind myself why I am staying home.
I’m staying home because there is a lot of research showing that kids do better with a stay at home parent. Especially given how demanding teaching is of both my time and energy I don’t think I would be as good of a parent if I worked. I was drained every day after teaching. When I got home I was exhausted. I don’t think I would be able to be patient and play with her after work. I don’t think that I am a good enough person to pump for years and I think that breastmilk is a big enough deal that I want Shanna to have it for as long as she feels she needs it. I also think I would be just as crappy at working during the next pregnancy as I was during the last one.
I’ve kind of realized something recently. I’m having a lot of trouble with anxiety and frustration. I’m having a really hard time with mood swings. I think that a lot of the problem is that I am allowing myself to get into positions repeatedly where I feel like I ‘have’ to put up with stuff I don’t like. Where in the hell are my lauded boundaries?! I’m going to stop being in the position where I have expectations of flaky people. It’s bothering me a lot.
Noah has found a way to change some of the stresses within our lives and that’s really awesome. Go him.
I’ve thought quite a bit lately about trying psych meds again because of how bad things have been for me. But I don’t want to be on meds. I know what I need to do if I am going to stay off of meds. It’s going to involve stepping on a few toes and stating some boundaries in ways that might piss people off or hurt feelings but my sanity is worth that. I can’t be a good mom as long as I am blowing in the wind of other peoples indecision and moods.
I need to stop bitching about the people who suck and just cut them out of my life. It isn’t worth going up and down with them. I suffer from it. They aren’t worth it.
I asked Shanna to pick up her books and put them away. And she did.
The rumor is that I’m a smart girl and all… but hey! Lazyweb! I’m sure there is some easy way for me to start following a bunch of blogs on blogspot but I have no idea what that way is. I get kind of annoyed with having to go to each separate url from my bookmarks–if that doesn’t reveal modern laziness I don’t know what does. So, does anyone have a super easy shortcut to tell me about?
Oh, and in other news: you all don’t post nearly enough. 😛
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SO I found a couple of students on facebook whom I remembered particularly fondly. Then the flood came. And more are coming! And they are going on and on about how wonderful I am and how much I impacted their lives. They think I’m funny. They think I’m brilliant. They think I am insightful. I can feel my ego inflating as I read. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately that I practically want to crawl to them and grovel in gratitude.
Despite the fact that most of my ‘friends’ don’t really give me the time of day–my students love me. I’ll take it.
I’m having oral surgery today. I’m still in the process of fixing shoddy dental work done when I was a kid. I’ve been on antibiotics since yesterday. I feel like I was hit by a truck. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I feel dizzy and disoriented. My neck muscles are super tight and painful. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Shanna’s not up for that option though. Man. This almost makes me wish I could use the tv as a babysitter. 😛
Shanna was talking about her vulva this morning and acting questioning (this is where her language skills get a bit muddy) and I said, “Yup all girls have vulvas.” And then I stopped. Actually, no. All girls don’t have vulvas. But most girls do. And very few boys have vulvas. Man. I think things are going to be complicated to explain to her.
I found this chick through mothering.com. As much as MDC is kind of wearing through my patience I have learned some neat stuff there. So here is a really interesting post about how toddlers are/can be triggering to abuse victimes. It gave me a lot to think about: Raising My Boychick
Shanna fell asleep on my lap. She hasn’t done this in a while. My foot is now asleep. I guess she’s gained some weight. 🙂
I discovered this morning that I am in Trouble. I wondered why the ASL class was moving so slowly given that it is a 5 unit course. Now I know. The reason we learn very little new in class is because you are supposed to spend a ridiculous amount of time in the lab learning everything by yourself. Uhm, thanks? Getting enough time in the lab is going to be a serious problem. They are open for very limited hours, 100% of which overlap with Noah’s work schedule. They seem to believe that only full time college students with no jobs or kids should be allowed to take ASL. Fuckers. (Technically it isn’t their fault. The problem is state budget cuts. But I can still feel whiny.)
I went out yesterday! I went to the fair and had a fabulous time. I ran into people from all over the country, many of whom I have not seen in 3+ years. 🙂 I didn’t even make a full circuit of the booths because I got there a bit late and the crowd was getting to me. I had a really great time though and I got a waist cincher from Dark Garden! w00t! I have the most generous of husbands. 🙂 Noah stayed home with the short one and he got to learn firsthand why I believe we need to acquire more board books. 🙂 It gets a bit old reading them over and over and over again. Before anyone suggests the library: Shanna is a book eater. She will grow out of this in time but for now it isn’t cool for us to have books for her that need to be well treated. I would feel horribly guilty about damaging library books. I feel confident that this stage can’t last too much longer. 🙂
I was thinking about it yesterday and I came to the conclusion that I am really glad I didn’t try real hard to have “my own time” when Shanna was smaller. I wasn’t ready. I felt anxious the entire time I was away from her. I didn’t enjoy myself. Now I can take off for a day and have fun and feel confident that it is ok and developmentally good for both of us. Yesterday was probably a bit longer than Shanna is thrilled about, but she didn’t spend the time having a temper tantrum so I think we did ok. I like feeling confident in my parenting choices. I’m super glad I ignored everyone who told me that I ‘had’ to get away from her early on. No, I didn’t. It would have sucked for all concerned. Now I can go do stuff and she does fine and I do fine and daddy does fine. We win!
Noah and I stayed up far far too late talking about all kinds of deep personal scary stuff. I didn’t know we had so much of that left. It was really nice to feel close like that.
And now Shanna is big enough to wear the ubercute clothes she got last Christmas! She’s wearing one of the awesome one-piece outfits she got from her Uncle Ben. 🙂 I should take pictures. 🙂
I should post pictures. Oy. I’ll do it someday.
And then we got a call from our mortgage broker! Whoo hoo! Rates dropped! I’m terribly excited about this.
Shanna is now saying please with very little prompting! She will even cut the whining to say please. Whoo hoo!
And we have a date night tonight! We so win!