I just got a message on okcupid:
Heya,
I recognize you from the dancing community. It’s fun hearing about the ways your life has been evolving lately. Let me know if you’d like to meet one another in person to get to know one another more.
J.
PS I’m good with you being into country :o)
Wow. I don’t think he has any idea who I am. Or that we have been on more than one date.
After being gone for a week we are now home again. Did I miss anything super cool and exciting?
Oh! I am leaving in the morning. I will be mostly offline until next next Friday/Saturday. I hope y’all have a great week without me. 🙂
I realized that I have gotten to have four dates in the past three weeks. (Ok, two of them are technically happening this week.) That’s amazing. I remain absolutely convinced that as wonderful as Noah is to be married to, he is even better to have an affair with. I have played with people who might have more technical skill in some specific area of bdsm but no one who has ever been able to climb inside my head and fuck with me the way he can. He is hands down the best lover I have ever had. He is attentive and sweet and a mean son-of-a-bitch. I so win. I get to keep him forever.
(Oh, and that cryptic entry… geez folks. Yes the sex will be with Noah. :P)
And it wasn’t a big deal. I went hiking with Laura in the afternoon and came home after he left. Shanna and I snuggled and played and went to sleep reasonably early. He woke me up accidentally when he got home and we talked and figured stuff out and then had the hottest sex we’ve had in years. I guess feeling competitive is good for my drive.
I’m really surprised that I’m not upset. Now that it is over with and done there is nothing to anticipate and get nervous about. What’s done is done; there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk and all that. That’s really interesting to learn.
So much for the filter…
See, this is why I married him. We spent hours and hours talking last night. We went through all of the things that are bothering me, all of the myriad of ways that I’m upset/nervous/insecure. It was really good. He listened when I was ranting and gave me constructive feedback when I calmed down. We talked more specifically about why this is happening. It took coming up with some silly examples before I could get him to understand what this feels like. He’s a big foodie. I asked him how he would feel if I went up to The French Laundry with someone else and left him at home. He said that would upset him a lot. Ok, now you have some idea of how I feel. It’s not really as bad as all that but this is really hard. I feel like if I can get through this to the other side things will be ok. Let me rephrase: things will be ok when I get through this. No doubt in there. It’s like freaking out about getting blood drawn. It’s not my idea of a good time but afterward there won’t be a problem anymore.
Why do relationships have to be so complicated?
In general I don’t make posts that Noah can’t see. This is one of those times though. I feel like I’m going to puke. I’m so angsty and upset and freaked out. Noah has a date on Friday. When we originally started negotiating this it was stated as a “play date” and I come from the bdsm community where that frequently doesn’t include sex–that is my base assumption. But they are negotiating whether or not to use barriers on oral sex and he plans to fuck her.
I am so freaking out. My stomach is a ball of knots and I want to vomit. I hate this feeling. It doesn’t help that Shanna is having a hard day and I’m having a terrible time being patient with her. I was very open to the idea of playing but it snowballed so fast. We were supposed to have sex last night (yes we schedule these things) but I just couldn’t do it. The idea that he is anticipating and planning sex with someone else made me feel really revolted by the idea of him touching me. I don’t know how I am going to manage to have sex with him on Saturday at a play party when we’ve scheduled that.
This is so hard for me. I feel so completely inadequate and pathetic.
I’m doing at least some processing with him but it feels like a full dose of it wouldn’t be fair. This is the result of a lot of negotiation because it really sucks that he has to compromise on his needs so much.
But god I don’t have patience for Shanna right now and she’s been crying all day. AHHHHHHHHHH
So I never posted acknowledging the fact that seven days ago Shanna turned one year old. I continue to be impressed and delighted with her. The day after her first birthday she decided, “Enough of this crawling business–that’s for babies and now I’m a toddler.” It’s been remarkable.
She is now saying something that sounds a lot like “up” when she wants to be picked up. When she eats food that she thinks is especially tasty she goes “Mmmmmm!!!” She babbles pretty much non-stop when we are home alone but she is somewhat more shy when around people she doesn’t know well. She now understands and correctly follows the command, “Gentle” when touching people or animals; it’s quite sweet.
She is nursing substantially less though her last round of teething screwed up her sleeping through the night and she is back to at least one nursing session in the middle of the night. We are unlikely to stop nursing any time in the foreseeable future as the continued benefits of nursing far outweigh the fairly minor inconveniences of nursing (for us–I am not judging other people who choose to wean I swear).
She is only up to five teeth and I have no idea when she will be getting more. Lack of teeth doesn’t seem to slow her down much in eating just about everything she wants to eat. She has favorite foods, of course, namely: bananas, dried cherries, ice cream (duh), mini-meringues, sharper cheeses, and all things bread.
She is playing with her toys more and more. She cuddles her dolly. She adores the dump truck that sings a song when you push a button. I kind of want to throw it out the window, but she’s having a blast so instead I just pray for the batteries to die. 🙂 She loves her xylophone and ball smacker thing.
She noticeably recognizes Sarah the best and she treats her as a perfectly adequate mommy-substitute in crowd situations. This pleases me enormously for many reasons. I love that her monkey sphere is expanding because it means that she is developing actual attachment to someone other than me and that shows me hope that she will stop being as dependent on me soonish. 🙂 At this point I’m not sure she has “stranger anxiety” but she no longer eagerly goes to all people she meets as a matter of course. She has a strong preference for people who are familiar and it takes her a bit to warm up to new people.
She now shows a decided preference for going in the potty and will hold her bladder/bowels for a bit trying to get a chance. Unfortunately she isn’t signing consistently yet so we still have a lot of misses because I don’t offer enough. I should start working on this because she shows all the signs I can see of wanting to be done with diapers. It’s really cool.
She shrunk back into 12 month clothing. This is cute and kind of neat only… I sent pretty much all we had to Texas for the arrival of Noah’s brother’s child because I thought we were done with it. Oops. Luckily I have friends with kidlets and we received another batch and some of hand-me-downs so she is certainly not running around nekkid (well, at least not more than she would be any way).
She starts vaccinations next week. Of course I am nervous about this, but I’m going to hope that the universe sees fit to keep her out of the group of kids who has side effects. Before the hysterical pro vaccination people start harping on me about mercury and autism (neither of which hit my radar in terms of worry) I will point out that the package inserts for vaccinations mention Guillain-Barre syndrome, Encephalitis, Encephalopathy, SSPE, and death. There are other serious reactions to vaccinations like Lupus, MS, arthritis, blood disorders, seizures, diabetes, pneumonia, life threatening rash, paralysis, and a few others mentioned on the package inserts. None of these things are hysterical reactions from ill advised people reading faulty medical information. Yes they are by and large rare; I don’t think I will feel comforted by the thought, “Well it’s only about a 1 in 100,000 chance that a child will have a severe reaction to a vaccination” if my kid is the one damaged by a vaccine. So I’m nervous. It’s time to start though. She is starting to get out and actually interact with the world and that means she needs more protection than just my milk. Though my milk continues to be awesome for her, of course.
She loves to “read” her books and she goes back and forth between her board books and older picture books. She is rather gentle with our books at this point so I don’t feel cranky when she pulls down a grown up book or two to play with.
I think that is about all I have the gumption to write about right now. Maybe I’ll put up pictures later (and hopefully I will be sent pictures from the birthday party. 🙂
I’m cleaning out the memo section on my phone. We found a bunch of neat bracelets in New Zealand that struck me as potentially interesting incognito collars: http://www.f3design.co.nz/cms/index.php?page=browse&key=/BODY_ADORNMENT/bracelets
I failed.
I am so angry. I am angry at all kinds of stupid, petty things. I want to hit people and not in that fun way. I want to scream. Everything is irritating me. I feel like I am almost vibrating with negative emotions. I feel almost psychotic. This is the kind of irrational anger people get medicated for.
I yelled at Noah. 🙁 Ok, so maybe the stuff I was yelling at him about was stuff that deserved a conversation but not my foul language and temper.
I don’t know how I have managed to keep it together with Shanna. This sucks.
But I’m curious nonetheless. I’ve been reading up on astrology stuff (hey, that’s as good of a basis for when to try to conceive as anything else) and I’m not sure what I think about some of the signs. We are probably looking at kind of the middle half of the year: maybe Pisces, more likely Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo and I’m not sure how I feel about most of them. One brother was a Pisces and we had a lot of conflict. It’s hard for me to judge how much was about our astrological differences and how much was because we came from an abusive home and were really fucked up kids. The same statement can be applied to Gemini except we are now adults and he hasn’t dealt with his shit. Noah and Shanna are both Gemini’s (God help me). My niece, nephew, and a close cousin are all Leos and they drive me batshit; just too lazy and immature for me. Other than that I don’t know too much about these signs and I’m not sure who else I know in them. (Ok, I know the obvious Geminis but that’s it.)
Any feedback?
Hm. I’m not sure second kid should be known as Lizard as well but I can’t think of a good nickname. I guess I’ll go with Noah’s suggestion for the tag.
Lots of the uber-crunchy folks are against Tylenol. I was a nasty, cranky bitch for most of the morning because I am having a really rough period. I took two Tylenol and I am down to being a little fussy. It’s worth losing the crunchy points. 😛
I have all this stuff I want to talk about. Moving. Houses. Writing. Evolution of sexuality.
But I don’t seem to have any energy to write about any of it. Even when I have uninterrupted time to sit down with the keyboard (or paper) I just… can’t do it. But I’m thinking about a lot of things. I’m thinking all the time. I just… can’t write.
We had no internet access for over 24 hours. Our DSL provider is being kind of a butthead about it. It’s been going down intermittently for the past couple of weeks. This blows. If you are trying to get in touch with me maybe you best call. 🙁
I think one of the most significant benefits of being married to Noah is just how enthusiastic he is about my looks/body. My friend Marcie took some pictures of Shanna and I recently and I was actually pretty surprised by how big I am. I don’t feel that big, but I guess I am. They are really cute pictures and I don’t think I look bad I just look heavy. No wonder I’m getting asked so often if I’m pregnant. 😀 I expressed to Noah my surprise at how heavy I look and he said, “Mmmmm. Yeah, you are totally hot.”
If I were really concerned about being thin he would be the worst person to be married to. I’m not that fussed though so he’s just awesome.
So I was feeling all grumpy and cranky for a bit. Then we had sex. Then I was miraculously in a good mood. I think there is some sort of correlation there. 😛
Yesterday during Tango class I started having significant pain in my right buttock. Like a muscle spasm. It really sucked. Luckily I married the best boy ever and he worked on my thigh/butt/back and it stopped being agonizing pain. Now it is merely discomfort. It’s progress!
On the dance class front: mostly I’m having a great time. Last night I had a series of guys who had no frame so I started feeling a little frustrated with them. Luckily I kept managing to get the same specific guy over and over and he actually had frame so that was nice. 🙂 Noah is doing far better than he gives himself credit for. I think he has to overcome his mental block around “I’m a bad dancer” because when he’s not stressed out and freaking out he does alright. 🙂
I’m getting to socialize a lot lately and that is really awesome. It’s really wonderful that I am spending so much time with lots of friends. w00t!
In general things just feel so much better. I hate the hormones that come along with being a chick sometimes.
There are a bunch of other benefits brought up in the article as well. Nature is kind of neat. I like seeing how things interact.
+ Getting to go visit friends yesterday. It was a great day.
+ Having a friend who is going to help me make my yard look better.
+ Shanna is starting to walk longer distances!
+ Having a husband who is willing to listen to criticism and look for the bits of truth instead of ignoring me because of course things aren’t that bad.
– Multiple internet outages in the past few days.
– Feeling stupid pressure about money. It’s all my fault and I need to get over it. erf.
– Lots of weird/awkward/bad/uncomfortable emotions lately in general. The past few days have been a roller coaster and I’d like off, thanks.
Looks like the +s outnumber the -s but the -s feel stronger. I need to do something about my attitude. I’m not sure will help me feel less angsty.