Category Archives: adult-only

Published in the adult-only category

Mmmm drama

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Every so often I go through little periods where I get very upset about the fact that people are not honest. Noah takes it a little further and says they all lie. I like to stick with not-honest… it’s giving a bit more credence to their not meaning to do it. What I mean in this case is: people who say, “Oh, let’s hang out some time!” But then when you ask, and ask, and ask when they never want to see you. People who will say they are your friend, but then won’t act like a friend. People who deny the consequences of their behavior and say that “It isn’t my fault” when actually… it is your fault.

I go through cycles where I try to ignore this sort of stuff, but then every so often I get so fucking angry about it I can barely see straight. Usually by the time I get this mad I want to write off everyone in the whole universe. I hate people. Because even the people who are overall pretty decent still do stuff like this sometimes. People just don’t honor their word. I’m sure I’m not perfect about following through on everything, but I try really hard. And if I am not going to be able to do what I say I try not to say it. I don’t get the impression other people care as much.

It’s kind of funny, but when I go through these periods and I start thinking about the behavior of the people in my life I find that the people who actually behave like my friends are not the people one would automatically pick out of a crowd as my friend. They are the ones who show up when I ask them to and actually honor exactly as much of a commitment as they are willing to make. (People who are honest and say, “I would like to, but I can’t” get a lot of points with me because they are telling me the truth.)

I’d rather be told that someone isn’t my friend and deal with the sadness that brings than be lied to. Maybe I’m unique because it doesn’t seem like other people want to operate that way.

Baby Shower

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Bump–I think that there are a few people who would like to go to this who haven’t noticed. Maybe Monday morning is a better time. 🙂

My friend Sarah wants to host a baby shower for me. We are looking at April 12th. This post exists because I have no idea who would be interested in attending. This is one of those weird cultural right of passage things that I don’t think I understand the rules of. (Yeah yeah, dangling preposition.)

So basically–do you want to go? Sarah wants to do formal invitations (cause she’s that kind of girl) so this is one of those gasp mandatory RSVP events. I know–this will be tough for people. 🙂 You won’t even know where the event is unless you consciously opt-in. No evite and maybe/maybe not for you! 😛

I would love it if you told me that you want to come. It is more important that you tell Sarah. You need to email her your snail mail address (Sarah at techbrat dot com) by March 25th in order to receive an invitation. You then need to get off your butt and do the final RSVP thing by April 1st because Sarah is going through a lot of trouble and I don’t want her to be negatively impacted by flakeyness. Otay? 🙂

Dude. I’m not-so-secretly massively excited about this. I haven’t had one of these right-of-passage things before. yay!

(Oh, and don’t take being on this filter as pressure to go. If you don’t want to go that’s ok. I promise I won’t hate you forever.)

Baby Need/Wants

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Diaper situation:
I am interested in using cloth diapers. At this point in time trying to figure out exactly what that means is very confusing and befuddling. What would be awesome is if I get 1-2 of a bunch of different kinds of cloth diapers. I don’t know what is best or why they are best. I’ve read reviews but they are all so contradictory that it seems as if the real difference is in the preference of the baby you put it on. Here are some suggestions of where to start cause they seem neato. If you find something you think sounds neat that isn’t on my list, go ahead and get one if you want to. I’m not picky at this point. 🙂
http://www.tinytush.com/cloth_diaper_package_deals.htm (If people would like to go in on the diaper sample package that would rock.)
http://www.bumgenius.com/one-size.php
http://www.bumgenius.com/bamboo.php (in the newborn size this seems like the kind of thing I would like on my newborn ass. 🙂

cloth baby wipes–bamboo is my preference. It’s nice on the butt. 🙂 I don’t care about color. I’m also open to cloth wipes of other fabrics. I’m just not really interested in disposable.

Blankets:
At this point we don’t have much in the way of good baby blankets. I am not super picky as to cut/design. Honestly, my preference is for home made. One or two neato knitters are making them for me right now (yay!!) and I have a couple that students made. I’m looking forward to wrapping my baby in something that was consciously and deliberately made with love for me and my kiddo. That just makes me happy. So if you are crafty and have that kind of time, I would appreciate that even more than I would an expenditure of money.

So this is what this feels like.

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Someone I love very much is hurting. Lots of different things have hurt her. Mostly it is just existing that is hurting her. She doesn’t like herself very much and she doesn’t see why I adore her so much. She’s talking about not wanting to be here anymore. There’s not really anything I can say or do to make her stay if she really wants to go. But I don’t want her to go. I see such a beautiful, wonderful person who has the ability to do so many wondrous things with her life. I see so much power and strength in her. I wish I had the magic words to entreat her to stay.

This is probably how other people felt about me when I really didn’t want to be here anymore. I wish I understood what it was that eventually got me to stay. Maybe it was just knowing how much people were hurt when my brother and my father killed themselves, maybe that was enough. I don’t really want to share the knowledge with her of how bad that was. I don’t think I actually could.

I want a magic wand. I want to make things better. And I can’t. I feel so helpless.

Cause I feel like it.

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Despite my reputation for embracing confrontation, I am sometimes a wimp.

1. I’m mad at you. I’m not mad at you because your statement was completely wrong, because it isn’t completely wrong. I’m mad because it feels manifestly unfair of you to throw that rock while sitting in a glass house when I don’t want to hurt *your* feelings.
2. Thank you for thanking me. It was really nice to be validated.
3. I want to call and I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to rebuild this bridge. I suck. I’m sorry.
4. Maybe it’s time to move on? Are you really being served by what is happening in your life?
5. I wish you would stop pretending you were my friend. That way I could let go of hope that you will be. You don’t act like my friend. Continuing to hope hurts a lot.
6. I find it odd that you pay so much attention to him still. What would you like to get out of your random public statements that are clearly directed at him?
7. I’m proud of you. You’ve worked so hard to fight these demons. It’s a big deal. You are wonderful.
8. Sometimes I get very frustrated with you. Don’t take it overly personally, I get very frustrated with the whole world. 🙂
9. I wish you would call more. I miss you and it bothers me that you don’t respond to me trying to contact you.
10. It’s been good to talk to you. It’s sad that it has taken so long and that I am leaving so soon.

Talked to mommy again

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Her surgery was postponed so I didn’t get to find out about that. We gabbed about all kinds of baby related stuff. Apparently in several of her pregnancies she only gained 12-15 lbs so I’m feeling a lot more secure in not gaining a lot of weight. 🙂 She had decent sized (all in the 7-8 lb range), healthy babies who were all born on the early-ish side. We discussed her difficulties with breast feeding and how they seem to be really common in the family. Good to be forewarned.

We also talked about some random frustrating things happening in my life and I mentioned that being direct seems to have helped the problem and she said, “Well, it usually does.” I said, “With that as the segue…” Of course she said, “Uh oh, what did I do?” She is very paranoid. I told her that I got very nervous when during the last phone call she mentioned selling her house so she would be able to move. We talked about why she wants to do it. She bought this house so she could be close to Jimmy and his kids. It’s a small town and it is a nightmare commute to where she works. She feels reminded all the time of the loss of the kidlets. She said she has no interest in ever living in a place where it snows. I told her that it is probably for the best. She is kind of sad that I don’t want her to move with me, but she agrees that we get along much better with more distance and that it would probably kill our relationship if she followed me. I don’t think she likes agreeing with that statement, but she knows I am right.

Is good. Now I can stop being nervous about that one. She is going to try and come up here for a visit before her disability leave ends because she would like to see me pregnant. I told her that would be ok. I think it would be ok because she would mostly see Aunt Vonnie and getting a little bit of Mommy-attention is nice.

Much better conversation. Kid in the picture is Jimmy’s oldest son, Koby. I wonder if I will ever see him again.

Interesting.

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One good thing about growing up is: I am starting to be able to step back from situations and recognize how people are responding in ways that are totally typical for them and their reaction has very little to do with whatever stimulus is put in front of them. Some people stop and think, “Ok, what could this mean?” and some people get upset. It’s very interesting.

So, this quote: “The problem with women is that they are not as pathetically grateful for everything you give them as men,” came out of a conversation I had with Noah. It was him mocking me. We were talking about the topping issue and I was specifically listing people and situations that have worked out well for casual play/sex and situations where I have had lots of issues. At one point I was speaking in sweeping generalities (as I am wont to do when really upset) and he snapped that line at me. I had to stop and think about that. It was a really interesting thought provoking thing for me. I stopped and thought about it in terms of a lot of different things in my life. I started thinking of all of my lovely chick-privilege. I started thinking about how men and women are allowed to act in society. Of course there are ways in which women grovel/are more grateful than men and lots of the degrees of this sort of thing are person dependent regardless of sex/gender.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I take for granted where Noah has to be grateful he gets it, if he gets it at all. There’s a lot more of it than first blush made me recognize. The people who thought “sex” first were certainly starting in the right place (and DSH–men are generally *very* grateful for sex, more will admit it than not in my experience) but I think it goes past that.

I don’t really think that, “The problem with women is that they are not as pathetically grateful for everything you give them as men.” But I do think that the statement is harsh and abrasive and makes me stop and think about sex/gender relations. Maybe some of my friends who don’t appreciate sweeping generalizations can be kick-started into thinking about things easier than I can. I need to be smacked in the fact in order to realize where I’m taking things for granted and not looking at my assumptions.

Looking at options.

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On day four of being so sick that getting out of bed is entirely unreasonable…

I need to reduce stress in my life. This pregnancy is kicking my ass and then some. What can I do to reduce stress though? Have I ever had a reduced stress life? What does that look like?

Selling the house is a very passive sort of background stress that I don’t think I can change. The house will stop being “staged” this week sometime. Have I mentioned how much I am looking forward to it? It’s not like I can start living like a slob, but I can leave towels in the bathroom. Hooray!

I need to finish these two classes for my degree. It’s not really an option to put them off.

However, the two exams left for my degree (language proficiency and general comprehensive knowledge of literature) *can* be put off. I can’t graduate this year no matter what. (I wasn’t enrolled early enough to file for candidacy anyway.) So if I take those two exams next year then I have a lot more time to study and a lot less on my plate in the next 7 weeks. Trying to be fully ready for the exams in the next 7 weeks would probably result in a lot of anxiety, stress, and sleep less nights. I don’t think the Lizard is up for it.

Other than two classes and selling the house all I have to deal with are baby prep classes, midwife visits (every two weeks now), therapy, pictures with Chris, and acupuncture. Alright, there is still a bunch of driving around, but it isn’t super stressful driving around…

Wow. Ok, maybe my life is lower stress now. I don’t think I recall having this little to do since oh… 2003?

Book recommendation

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I just finished Herland for class. I rarely really enjoy mandatory reading, but I loved this book. It is a feminist, less satirical, version of Utopia. It is a very interesting view on what would happen if a society grew lacking all men. How would women change. How would society change. It’s very interesting. Of course the book is more than a little misandrist, but given that it was written in 1860 I’m not surprised that the author is a bit hostile to men. The author, Charlotte Perkins Gilman, wrote my favorite short story of all time–“The Yellow Wallpaper” which is short and out of copyright so easily found on the web. If you have any interest in cultural development I highly recommend this book. It’s neato.

My favorite section from the book is about religion:
“You see, we are not accustomed to horrible ideas,” she said, coming back to me rather apologetically. “We haven’t any. And when we get a thing like that into our minds it’s like–oh, like red pepper in your eyes. So I just ran to her, blinded and almost screaming, and she took it out so quickly–so easily!”
“How?” I asked, very curious.
“Why, you blessed child,’ she said, ‘you’ve got the wrong idea altogether. You do not have to think that there ever was such a God–for there wasn’t. Or such a happening–for there wasn’t. Nor even that this hideous false idea was believed by anybody. But only this–that people who are utterly ignorant will believe anything–which you certainly knew before.’
“Anyhow,’ pursued Ellador, ‘she turned pale for a minute when I first said it.”
This was a lesson to me. NO wonder this whole nation of women was peaceful and sweet in expression–they had no horrible ideas.
“Surely you had some when you began,” I suggested.
“Oh yes, no doubt. But as soon as our religion grew to any height at all we left them out, of course.”
From this, as from many other things, I grew to see what I finally put in words.
“Have you no respect for the past? For what was thought and believed by your foremothers?”
“Why, no,” she said. “Why should we? They are all gone. They knew less than we do. If we are not beyond them, we are unworthy of them–and unworthy of the children who must go beyond us.”

Very interesting reading…

Very odd.

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This morning I woke up to see a twitter post about how there was a Jonathan Coulton concert last night. I did not know yesterday there was going to be a concert last night. Yet, in my dream there was a Jonathan Coulton concert and all of my friends were going and I wasn’t allowed to have a ticket. Everyone stood on the balcony and jeered me.

How very odd.

Bummer.

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Yesterday Noah was ultra-poopy-feeling and I was mildly poopy feeling. Today he is mostly ok and I feel absolutely awful. And as a result I feel angsty and whiny and fussy. The internet is not doing sufficient tricks.

So, tell me a story? Could be funny/silly/random/sad/deep/superficial, whatever you are in the mood for. I just wanna feel like people will do the pat on the head thing when I feel icki and Noah is off doing that work thing. 🙁

yuck

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My baby is curled up on the couch sleeping. He’s got a fever. He is generally feeling poopy. I have a cough. I feel kind of dizzy and out of it. No fever though.

Talked to my mommy. Uhm–can I just say that her dropping in the conversation casually that she is selling her mobile home so that she will have the ability to move “Wherever they transfer her” bothers me? She moved down there to be near my brother and his kids. She’s pretty desolate now that she isn’t allowed contact with them. My aunt told me that me having a child is the reason my mom hasn’t killed herself in the past few months because she really was hitting bottom. Oh god. Our relationship is better than it was, but I think that her following us out of state would harm our relationship and not help it.

Of course, I can’t tell her hell-fucking-no right now because she fell off a ladder at work and shattered her shoulder and fucked up her hand really badly. She’s really loopy and out of it on meds. She is having surgery next week. Not a good time to also destroy her hopes and dreams. I’ll wait till she is feeling better to do that. 🙁

Ahhhh man….

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Well, let me proudly display my gold metal. I won an argument on the internet. Person who said I was bashing people backed down really fast when I went through point by point giving background explanation.

I joined a mailing list for an argument and I only got in one round? Dangit. Oh well. Guess I’ll have to give up being fussy on that one. 🙂

The Lizard

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Went to the midwife today. Uhm, only two weeks late. I’m measuring at 30 weeks. Uhm, I’m only 26 weeks. Looks like I may be getting another ultrasound cause this kidlet may be bigger than earlier believed. It’s important to have as accurate as possible of a due date because if the kid comes more than two weeks early then it is a mandatory hospital birth. 🙁 So! If my due date is really a week or so earlier than I think right now then I should hurry the freak up and get stuff done at school.

The head is down. Heartbeat is still way fast (girl?). She wants me to start eating food 4-5 times a day. She’s not thrilled that I’m not eating much. But I’m not hungry. I’m up about 7 pounds. I’m three days away from the third trimester.

Have I mentioned that the Lizard has/had the hiccups? It feels neat. I was wondering what that feeling was…

Ye olde intarweb tells me that at 26 weeks:
By this week, your baby’s crown-to-rump length is approximately 9.2 inches. Remember, that is only from the top of his head to his bottom and does not include his leg measurements! Your baby weighs almost 2 pounds and is beginning to put on weight. Your uterus is about 2.5 inches above your bellybutton and you will continue to grow approximately 1 cm each week. If you have been eating a well-balanced diet, you probably have gained about 16-22 pounds so far. Because your baby has moved further up, you may get occasional pain underneath your ribs.
After a month of having his eyelids sealed shut, your baby begins to open his eyes again this week. Your baby’s eyes are almost completely developed. Your baby’s eyes are blue in the womb and may change colors later in life. This is true for all races because the pupils do not have their final color until a few months after birth. However, some babies are born with darker or lighter shades of blue. Your growing baby will continue to put on layers of fat until he is born. He is still lean at this point of the pregnancy though. By the time your baby is born, he will assume the typical newborn’s plumpness. Your baby’s skin will still be wrinkled and red, but the fat continues to fill the skin out.

Finger and toe nails continue to grow.

Blood vessels start to develop in the lungs to prepare the baby for life outside the uterus.

Your baby’s blood circulation is completely functional. The umbilical cord system continues to grow and thicken as blood travels with considerable force through the body to nurture the baby. The placenta is now almost equal in size to the baby.

Even though it is still way too soon for your baby to be born yet, the chance of survival without severe abnormalities is now 70% provided it is born in a hospital.

[x-posted] TNG4 wrap up

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(I posted this around a few places. I find it amusing that I am posting it publicly in other places and behind a filter on my journal. Silly students.)

TNG4 was this last weekend and it was pretty dang awesome. Now that it is over I can confess to my serious trepidation surrounding the event. I have never been a real gung-ho member of a TNG group and I was concerned about us pulling this off. We had about 100 people throughout the weekend and that felt pretty perfect. Some of the classes were so full that we would not have been able to put more bodies in the room anyway so it is better that we didn’t have people who were frustrated by inability to attend the class of their preference.

The con was attended by people from all over the country. I was a little bit surprised by the low local turnout, but I got to meet lots of cool new people this way so I’m not complaining. It turned into a LLC-TNG light because this con was primarily TNG group leaders from across the country. I got to see a lot of new-to-me presenters, some of whom haven’t taught much anywhere yet. I highly recommend all of the presenters we had. If any local class organizers want contact information for them I will happily hand it out because I saw some of the best classes I have ever seen at this event. I’m kind of jaded and cynical about classes because I have seen a lot, but I was pleasantly surprised repeatedly all weekend. For the record, we had (in no particular order): Zuchtiger (Ohio), Sir Michael (New Jersey), Jae Januze (Colorado), Rita Seagrave (Ohio), Coral Mallow (Oregon), Tim (DC), Boymeat (NYC), Mr. Michael (Kentucky), Lee Harrington (Maryland), Jen and Pepper Mint (SF), Madame Lark (Humboldt), Cygnet (SF), Ryan (Oregon), Psychokitty (SF), and Rae Goldman (SF).

Personally I got a lot out of this event that I didn’t expect to get out of it. There was a lot of sitting around discussing why TNG groups exist. Given my own mixed feelings on this topic it was really neat to hear from the leaders of the TNG community why they started groups, why they think groups should happen, what the reception is like in different parts of the country, and how each of us individually have/have not benefited from TNG groups. Many of the answers surprised me. A number of people (including myself) were pretty open about the fact that we don’t get involved with TNG groups for personal support–we do it to encourage other people to feel more comfortable. It was nice to be able to hear at least a little open acknowledgment that we mostly know that TNG stuff is ageist, but so is the rest of society so we don’t feel too bad. Given how prevalent the attitude is among older members of the community that obviously the young’uns need to learn from their elders because the young’uns don’t know shit–no wonder we want to go do our own thing. Actually, we know a lot. And it was nice to see that focused on this weekend. Now that I have seen it demonstrated so clearly how much this particular little group knows I want to share that with the community at large because I’m not much of a separatist in general.

I’ve never been a leader in the TNG community and I doubt I will start now, but this was a good experience and now that it is over I’m glad I helped organize this event. I hear that Dallas is talking about hosting TNG 5. I’ve gone to 2/4 of the events so far and Boymeat isn’t going to any more so maybe I should make the next two just so I can tell him that I’ve been to as many as him. 🙂

Lenora

PS–I would be thrilled if this was cross posted elsewhere. If people have any feedback they want to give me directly, feel free to send me email at: boot_slut AT bigrock DOT com

{dirtier} Surprisingly good

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I played! Three times! Noah and I had a pretty good scene on Saturday that didn’t end spectacularly well because my stomach decided I was Done. Now. 🙁 Other than my body sucking it was good. Noah is hot. Then on Sunday I played with 2 (two) girls. One tied me up and the other wanted me to play with her girly bits. So I spent a lot of time introducing her to the wonders of girl-on-girl sex. I haven’t played with a bicurious girl in a long time. I will confess that I am not-so-secretly grateful that I ended my monogamy streak. I’ve felt very bizarre and angsty about not being desired and *that* fear is gone. I think she will be calling me back as well. 🙂

The con was really awesome. I had fun. The classes went pretty fucking well except for one hitch that was the result of a mistake. It was recovered from and no harm was done. People complimented me/us over and over. I’m pretty sure we made all the money we needed to make. Yay!!!

We win!!

Now we sleep.