Category Archives: adult-only

Published in the adult-only category

Fear

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Sometimes it feels as if being a woman is synonymous with feeling fear.

Last night as I was walking from class to my car a couple of Mexican guys pulled over next to me and asked me for directions to 3rd street. Uh, straight ahead of you. Then they offered me a ride. They were really pushy and aggressive. I felt my adrenaline start pumping. I had this really awful moment where I wondered if I would be able to outrun them if necessary. I walked fast and ignored their comments. I got into the parking garage and bolted up the stairs.

I hate that I feel so powerless sometimes. I hate that I feel like being female is enough to make me a target. The funniest part is: I never get harassed like that when I dress like a slut. Instead it happens when I am wearing frumpy jeans and a big baggy sweat shirt and sneakers and my hair is up in a very boring bun.

There are moments when this amorphous category of “men” is not a happy thing. I have so many wonderful guys in my life as individuals who are not scary, but “men” are.

Yeah, that’s right baby–stroke it.

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Stroke my ego.

I just had a conversation with a parent about her kid’s grade. He has a 77% and at first she was kind of fussy about it being that low. Then we talked a bit longer about how I don’t think an A is something that should be expected … ever … and she started to see that the kiddo is doing pretty well. Then I pointed out a couple of areas where he is missing lots of points because he missed a few key assignments. Oops.

By the end she told me that she has actually been surprised because she hasn’t heard from me much. Normally he is a serious discipline case (hmmm … I suppose I do see him sitting in front of the VP’s office a couple times a week …) and does significantly less work than he does for me. She was fussy at first because he has been claiming that he hasn’t missed an assignment at all. Then we checked attendence versus missed assignments. Oops. He just doesn’t deal with stuff from when he gets sick. Then she asked how often he ditches. Uhhh… I don’t think he has ever ditched my class. Apparently this is shocking. He has been sick a few times, but not much.

Further conversation lead to the disclosure that he normally is nasty and belligerent with his teachers and ditches a couple of times a week. She says I am probably his favorite teacher so far in high school based on his behavior in class, his attendance, and his willingness to do as much work as he has done.

*blink*

YAY!!!!!!!

I don’t know why he likes me, but it’s great! I think he is an incredibly bright kid and he has always been very sweet with me. When I snap off my normal, “Shut up!” he grins and quiets down. He takes most notes (not all, but only the Asian kids take notes all the time) and contributes great stuff to class discussions. My ego is so incredibly stroked. Yay! Yay! Yay!!

Very amusing.

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Google boy just asked me for a copy of my Users Guide. I think he feels all sassy after his first time ever of tying a girl up.

It’s so cute. I no longer believe I am going to break him easily, but I’m still being gentle with him. 🙂 That might change next Friday. We are going to have our first weekend night date where we get to spend a lot of time together. Yikes! He is really into the idea of me seriously dressing up. This is going to be a lot of fun. Yay!!

Busy!

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I have a to do list longer than my arm. Do I want to do anything on it? NO!!! So. I suck.

How are ya’ll doing? I’m curious. Most of you rarely post anything so I feel like I am just stuck in my own little narrow field of vision. Especially if I haven’t seen you lately, consider this a request for an update. 🙂

Rob says

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In early spring, some of our forebears made love in newly seeded fields, hoping to magically propitiate the growth of the crops. Right now would be an excellent time for you to perform a similar ritual on behalf of what you love. If you’re game, find a secluded outdoor spot on a warm day. Bring a partner if one’s available, or take the earth or sky as your lover. Then carry out a rite of pleasure in which you offer up the spiritual essence of your bliss to the health and success of a beloved person or creature or situation that you want to thrive in the coming months.

Uhm. Hm. I should look around for someone to help me with this.

brain dump

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I love my friends. Especially the ones I have to go very far in order to see. Ya’ll are wonderful.

Twin beds aren’t that bad for snuggling/sleeping but pillows really are my friend. Owie neck.

I am seriously cranky and emotional and I’m not sure why. For the last hour or more I have been fighting off tears and not terribly successfully.

I have such a horrible case of senioritis that it is unreal. I have exactly 11 more class sessions to attend and getting through them is going to be a nightmare. I am starting to hate grad school with a passion. I am chanting in my head that I have one more month before classes end. Then the kiddos only have three weeks past that. In seven weeks I have freedom. Yay.

I passed the first round of my comp exams. I think I deafened the department chair when he called to tell me.

I feel like I am stuck between worlds. I want to be a dancer. I want to be a pervert. I want to be a Burner. I want to hang out with the poly people (for lack of a better way of defining that group). I can’t do everything. I just can’t. There isn’t enough time in the day. I don’t want to give anything up and it is making me very very sad. I don’t know how to juggle my time any better. My blessings are so profound and overwhelming that I am incapable of properly embracing them all. *sigh*

I want to make that stupid pop up thing on the bottom of my screen go away and I can’t figure out how to do it.

In the next five weeks I need to find time in the insanity of my life to make a bodice. I want to scream.

And yet… my life is good. I’m just feeling the stress a bit too much today. It’ll all be ok. Just have to get through some of the harder stuff. Life will figure itself out. In not very long I won’t be able to run around like a mad woman all the time. I can get through two years. Then things have to calm down whether I like it or not. 🙂 But I’m looking forward to it.

If you try sometime

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You just might find you get what you need.

What do I need?

I need to be loved and appreciated for all the various contradictions that make up me. I need to be encouraged to feel no shame for the thoughts, desires, and actions in my life. I need to be loved for my voracious and overwhelming appetites. I need to be allowed to go off and come back and have safety in knowing that there will be a place/person to come back to. I need to not be told that my behavior is ok when it is directed at someone else and not ok when it is directed at you. I need to be listened to and spoken to. I need to be allowed to make mistakes without being told that I am bad for them. I need hugs and kisses without expectation that I have to put out. I need to be asked to put out. I need for it to be understood that it hurts me deeply that I essentially don’t have a bio family, and sometimes I can’t listen to suggestions about how I should fix the situation–there isn’t an easy way to fix it and saying there is demeans me and how much I have struggled to come to terms with my family.

I … I need love. I need to be valued.

I need to thank God for giving me what I need. I am so very grateful for my life and the people in it. I think I am the luckiest girl ever. I have been found.

Blurbs

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I’m tired and cold and really horny.

But what I get to do tonight is get dressed and run off to class. *sigh* I think I will dress weird.

One more day of timed essay writing and then I am free.

Thirty more minutes of class time until I am on vacation from teaching. They will be writing poetry.

Soon I am going to have more time on my hands and I will be able to make plans with friends. In no particular order I want to see:
karenbynightsarahhprinceofwandsrpagebarelyproperribbinloupyonelabelleizzy… so many others. Those just popped into my head right this second. And I need to leave in about 8 minutes and I should get offline…

I have no plans for this Saturday evening. I should call meerkat299. I don’t want to miss this visit!

Sexy

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Portland boy (I need a better nick and I am so not using the one he hands out) decided, rather spur of the moment, to come visit me in May.

Damn this is going to be hot.

*giggle* Yay for crushes! Yay for wonderful boyfriends who think it is cute when I have a crush!

How did this happen again?

Revisiting an old meme

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Because this amused me…

Number of people on my lj friends list: 133

…whom I’ve met in person: 129

…whom I’ve met in person more than once: 126

…whose house I’ve been to: 71

…who have been to my house: 54 (and many of these people it has not been in 8+ years)

…whose full names I know offhand: (I’m just doing first and last) 42

…whom I’ve known for more than 3 years: 30

…whom I’ve known for more than 5 years: 12

…whom I’ve known for more than 7 years: 6

…whom I’ve known for more than 9 years: 6

…whose journal I consider myself “addicted” to: I get upset when brjulia doesn’t post for a long time. Well, not upset… but I miss her. Other than that I read my whole friends list, but I’m not addicted…

…whom I’ve lived with: 3 (I will be living with another one in about 7 months…)

…who I’d do: heh who haven’t I done… 😉 Kidding! There are lots of nice normal people whom I haven’t slept with. Being on my friends list isn’t incriminating… although… there are 19 specific people whom I would really really like to do on my friendslist. Many of whom would be repeats or expanding on previously played somewhat.

I need to go to bed and wank now.

Group work sucks ass.

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I hate group work. Two people didn’t show up until three hours late. We have a six page script–I wrote four pages of it. They wanted me to write the paper as well and I told them that if I wrote the paper then I was informing the teacher that we dropped two people from the group and they had better figure out some way to turn something in on their own by Wednesday.

Assholes.

But I did find out that one of the (considerate) chicks in my group is also a raging pervert. We have plans to go to BaGG together soon. 🙂

Spunk

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I have been reviewing like crazy for my exam. Dude, I so know this stuff… although I know a lot more ancient stuff (a bunch of Greek plays, The Odyssey, Inanna than I will be asked for. Dude. I might actually know stuff!

Yeah, my ego is returning in full force. I am so going to kick ass. 20 hours and counting till I need to arrive for the exam. This will be a cake walk baby. 🙂

(I think I’m feeling so cocky because I have already reviewed 6/10 of the novels I want to review and I remember stuff better than I had thought!!)

Just breathe

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I went and saw my favorite professor today (Thank you for the pointer Peter; my graduate experienced has been enhanced by meeting him–before now I haven’t seriously liked anyone in the department.) and he convinced me to stop stressing over my exams. We talked about what sources I feel very comfortable with and how to approach the exam. Maybe I’m not an idiot. 🙂 He certainly thinks I am extremely bright.

I am finally back on the network and able to use the printer at school. Not having this access has been a nightmare. Major YAY for the day there.

My kids are limping along through the poetry unit. I have started keeping 2-3 of the quiet kids after class every day to ask them how they are understanding stuff in class and what would help them more. I’m getting really good feedback. The loud ones are still whining, but they just do that. 😉 So I’m feeling pretty good about that whole situation.
scheduling babble

Today

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Today I graded 100 papers. *woof*

Today I broke down and wrote something nasty about a friend because I am so angry. I don’t like it when I do that.

Today I had really good, cheap pad thai with no shrimp.

Today I had to go fill out the paperwork for my Victims of Crime benefits for the third time. When I left the office I broke down crying and couldn’t drive for a few minutes. I called my therapist and left a tearful message because I couldn’t think of anyone to call. That was really hard.

Today I attended a group meeting and did more than my share of the work and demonstrated to myself one more time why I hate group work.

Today I feel weak and ineffective and not very smart.

Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about how stupid I feel and how I don’t know that I even deserve to get a Masters degree. I certainly haven’t done enough to earn it.

Today is suicide Tuesday. I need to remind myself of that. This too shall pass. I will be ok. It’s just suicide Tuesday. I’m not stupid. I’m not useless. I’m not pathetic.

It just really feels like it.

{school babble} Irritation.

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Friday is a god damn rally. Monday is a fucking minimum day. Tuesday and Wednesday are the fucking Star tests. Why in the hell wasn’t I told more than a week in advance that they are shortening my days and eliminating minutes for almost a week?

When in the motherfuck am I supposed to be teaching exactly?