Category Archives: adult-only

Published in the adult-only category

If you try sometime

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You just might find you get what you need.

What do I need?

I need to be loved and appreciated for all the various contradictions that make up me. I need to be encouraged to feel no shame for the thoughts, desires, and actions in my life. I need to be loved for my voracious and overwhelming appetites. I need to be allowed to go off and come back and have safety in knowing that there will be a place/person to come back to. I need to not be told that my behavior is ok when it is directed at someone else and not ok when it is directed at you. I need to be listened to and spoken to. I need to be allowed to make mistakes without being told that I am bad for them. I need hugs and kisses without expectation that I have to put out. I need to be asked to put out. I need for it to be understood that it hurts me deeply that I essentially don’t have a bio family, and sometimes I can’t listen to suggestions about how I should fix the situation–there isn’t an easy way to fix it and saying there is demeans me and how much I have struggled to come to terms with my family.

I … I need love. I need to be valued.

I need to thank God for giving me what I need. I am so very grateful for my life and the people in it. I think I am the luckiest girl ever. I have been found.

Blurbs

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I’m tired and cold and really horny.

But what I get to do tonight is get dressed and run off to class. *sigh* I think I will dress weird.

One more day of timed essay writing and then I am free.

Thirty more minutes of class time until I am on vacation from teaching. They will be writing poetry.

Soon I am going to have more time on my hands and I will be able to make plans with friends. In no particular order I want to see:
karenbynightsarahhprinceofwandsrpagebarelyproperribbinloupyonelabelleizzy… so many others. Those just popped into my head right this second. And I need to leave in about 8 minutes and I should get offline…

I have no plans for this Saturday evening. I should call meerkat299. I don’t want to miss this visit!

Sexy

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Portland boy (I need a better nick and I am so not using the one he hands out) decided, rather spur of the moment, to come visit me in May.

Damn this is going to be hot.

*giggle* Yay for crushes! Yay for wonderful boyfriends who think it is cute when I have a crush!

How did this happen again?

Revisiting an old meme

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Because this amused me…

Number of people on my lj friends list: 133

…whom I’ve met in person: 129

…whom I’ve met in person more than once: 126

…whose house I’ve been to: 71

…who have been to my house: 54 (and many of these people it has not been in 8+ years)

…whose full names I know offhand: (I’m just doing first and last) 42

…whom I’ve known for more than 3 years: 30

…whom I’ve known for more than 5 years: 12

…whom I’ve known for more than 7 years: 6

…whom I’ve known for more than 9 years: 6

…whose journal I consider myself “addicted” to: I get upset when brjulia doesn’t post for a long time. Well, not upset… but I miss her. Other than that I read my whole friends list, but I’m not addicted…

…whom I’ve lived with: 3 (I will be living with another one in about 7 months…)

…who I’d do: heh who haven’t I done… 😉 Kidding! There are lots of nice normal people whom I haven’t slept with. Being on my friends list isn’t incriminating… although… there are 19 specific people whom I would really really like to do on my friendslist. Many of whom would be repeats or expanding on previously played somewhat.

I need to go to bed and wank now.

Group work sucks ass.

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I hate group work. Two people didn’t show up until three hours late. We have a six page script–I wrote four pages of it. They wanted me to write the paper as well and I told them that if I wrote the paper then I was informing the teacher that we dropped two people from the group and they had better figure out some way to turn something in on their own by Wednesday.

Assholes.

But I did find out that one of the (considerate) chicks in my group is also a raging pervert. We have plans to go to BaGG together soon. 🙂

Spunk

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I have been reviewing like crazy for my exam. Dude, I so know this stuff… although I know a lot more ancient stuff (a bunch of Greek plays, The Odyssey, Inanna than I will be asked for. Dude. I might actually know stuff!

Yeah, my ego is returning in full force. I am so going to kick ass. 20 hours and counting till I need to arrive for the exam. This will be a cake walk baby. 🙂

(I think I’m feeling so cocky because I have already reviewed 6/10 of the novels I want to review and I remember stuff better than I had thought!!)

Just breathe

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I went and saw my favorite professor today (Thank you for the pointer Peter; my graduate experienced has been enhanced by meeting him–before now I haven’t seriously liked anyone in the department.) and he convinced me to stop stressing over my exams. We talked about what sources I feel very comfortable with and how to approach the exam. Maybe I’m not an idiot. 🙂 He certainly thinks I am extremely bright.

I am finally back on the network and able to use the printer at school. Not having this access has been a nightmare. Major YAY for the day there.

My kids are limping along through the poetry unit. I have started keeping 2-3 of the quiet kids after class every day to ask them how they are understanding stuff in class and what would help them more. I’m getting really good feedback. The loud ones are still whining, but they just do that. 😉 So I’m feeling pretty good about that whole situation.
scheduling babble

Today

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Today I graded 100 papers. *woof*

Today I broke down and wrote something nasty about a friend because I am so angry. I don’t like it when I do that.

Today I had really good, cheap pad thai with no shrimp.

Today I had to go fill out the paperwork for my Victims of Crime benefits for the third time. When I left the office I broke down crying and couldn’t drive for a few minutes. I called my therapist and left a tearful message because I couldn’t think of anyone to call. That was really hard.

Today I attended a group meeting and did more than my share of the work and demonstrated to myself one more time why I hate group work.

Today I feel weak and ineffective and not very smart.

Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about how stupid I feel and how I don’t know that I even deserve to get a Masters degree. I certainly haven’t done enough to earn it.

Today is suicide Tuesday. I need to remind myself of that. This too shall pass. I will be ok. It’s just suicide Tuesday. I’m not stupid. I’m not useless. I’m not pathetic.

It just really feels like it.

{school babble} Irritation.

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Friday is a god damn rally. Monday is a fucking minimum day. Tuesday and Wednesday are the fucking Star tests. Why in the hell wasn’t I told more than a week in advance that they are shortening my days and eliminating minutes for almost a week?

When in the motherfuck am I supposed to be teaching exactly?

Impulsive questions..

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From the community…

1. How impulsive are you?

Incredibly. I am insanely impulsive.

2. What is the most impulsive thing you’ve ever done?

I have a couple of things… it’s hard to determine what is the “most” impulsive. Going to Australia with teamnoir when I didn’t really know him was impulsive. When I dropped out of high school. Recovering from that was significant. Saying yes when my best friend asks me if I want to try again and see if we can figure out a relationship that will include marriage and kids and M/s. That is… impulsive. But good. Maybe it isn’t impulsive because I have been thinking about it for a long long time–I just didn’t think I would have this chance.

3. What is the most unimpulsive (i.e., deliberative) thing you’ve ever done?

Going to school has been a big thing. I jones on planning though. Just for the hell of it. I planned my Europe trip down to the smallest detail.

4. How easy do you usually find it to make decisions about what you want to do?

Fairly easy. I know what I want and what I need. Once in a while I have trouble following through on it because I feel guilty about how I will affect other people.

5. What was the last impulse that you had? Did you act on it? Why or why not?
My last impulse was to jump back into the deep end of a relationship with Noah. It’s scary for a variety of reasons. The biggest drawback in doing this has been the hurt caused to the woman he has been involved with for most of the last year. I haven’t wanted to ask him to be involved with me again because I know how selfish it is to ask him to leave her for me. So I didn’t ask. But I wanted it and he knew I wanted it. Eventually it has reached a point where he made the decision to leave her. She is hurting now and I feel enormous guilt because my happiness is dancing on the grave of her relationship. I didn’t want this. I don’t get to pick how everything is going to work in life though. I believe strongly enough that he and I can figure it out that I am willing to give this a full shot though. So much has changed in the last year and a half for both he and I. What didn’t work then has changed drastically. I’ve always loved him. We want the same things. We get along so well.

So I did it. I said yes when he asked me to give him another chance. He said yes to my silent begging that I don’t have to lose the best person in the world for me.

I wondered why he was being so discouraging about the idea of me potentially moving out of state…

I don’t wanna

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I don’t wanna go home. I don’t wanna not see my friends up here for a long time. I don’t wanna miss the connection I have with some truly amazing women. I don’t wanna go a while without having bruises so big I can’t cover them with my hands. I don’t wanna go another couple of years without getting to really delve into the depths of my mind. I don’t wanna lose me and I had me this weekend.

I don’t know if I am going to be coherent or not, but I have another hour until my flight and I want to babble and no one is required to read this so I can babble all I want. 😛
Portland

Greed

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I have spent probably four out of the last eight hours fucking. Apparently I am not so high and mighty about the whole “younger guy” thing. He is pretty freakin amazing in bed and in order to get me into bed he has already seriously impressed me as a person. *sigh* Too bad Portland is so far away. Somehow I have a suspicion that my 2 times a year visiting may become 3 or 4. 🙂 He’s really really hot…

But uhhh… when I checked email and saw one from Google boy asking me about what it is that I am going to tell him about the weekend and he wants to hear about it if it will make me horny… yeah. I want to fuck again. Even though I am sore and tired from lots of hot sex.

Insatiable. That’s what I am. I LOVE MY LIFE.

Teaser

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I want to get laid. A LOT. Being beaten turns me on. In the past two nights I have been punched lightly and heavily. I have been caned. I had a sjambok (spel?) used on me. I was tied up in a very D/s sort of head space. I have gotten to talk to old friends. I tied up a hot (YOUNGER!!!!!) guy who had the audacity to tease me about being an older woman while he was hanging. Dumb ass. 😉 I have missed the world of heavy play. I have bruises on my shoulders, back, thighs, and ass.

You know… I think Kinkfest was a good choice. 🙂 I can’t imagine being happier doing anything else this weekend.

Haven’t been suspended though. Bummer.

I hate the CAHSEE

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I am wasting my time enforcing rules I don’t agree with anyway. I am tired of kids telling me off and calling me names. I just want to go home and I can’t because I have to stay. Today I am very unhappy. I have so much stuff to get done and I am wasting my time yelling at assholes.

I feel like shit. I really want to leave.

Choices

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In order to do what I have to do, I sometimes am not capable of doing all that I would like to do. And further: even some of what I have to do I am going to let slide for another time. I have the lesson for tomorrow done. Jesus it took hours. Tomorrow will be yet more review and games. *sigh* They are not going to be doing the test while I am gone. They aren’t ready. Instead–back to back writers workshop. It will be a break for them and easy for my sub. I’m ok with that. Then when we come back we need to finish up grammar. Woof. I am the only teacher in my department who can rattle of what a participle or a gerund is and gosh-darn-it… my students will be able to do so as well. They are SO CLOSE.

Lesson planning vague basic outline:
Wednesday- final presentation and go over the homework (ha) exercises and start working on diagraming sentences. They will get the basics of the concept tomorrow.
Thursday- play games and diagram some more. Show them how the different parts of speech really work together.
Friday- WW
Monday- WW
Wednesday- come back to YET MORE DIAGRAMMING. Oy. They will need this much practice. It’s sad. I need to find some more games for them. Any tips?
Thursday- maybe the test?
Friday- move on to poetry.

Tomorrow I have to:
pack, finish lesson plans for when I will be gone, clean cat box, deal with school stuff, take a bath. All of that is going to take way too long. *sigh*