If I’m honest with myself…

”

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly “high” and/or
irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal
mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these
changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of
mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

• Increased energy, activity, and restlessness Yup.
• Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood Yup
• Extreme irritability
• Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
• Distractibility, can’t concentrate well Yup
• Little sleep needed Yup
• Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers Yup
• Poor judgment Yup
• Spending sprees Not really, but god I want to.
• A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
• Increased sexual drive Fucking yes.
• Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications If I want to fall asleep at a semi-reasonable hour then I take sleeping pills. I haven’t been drinking much on purpose though. No cocaine.
• Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior Yup
• Denial that anything is wrong

I don’t know if anything is wrong that I could potentially be denying.

A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of
the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If
the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.

”

I’m having a lot of trouble concentrating at work. I know my increased sexual activity is not entirely healthy. I don’t know what healthy is though.

I want to stop fucking up and I’m not sure how to.

“This ones for the girls about 25.
Living in a little apartment just trying to get by.
Living on dreams and spaghetti o’s
Wondering where their life is gonna go.”

When this song came out several years ago I was living with Tom and I felt like I had skipped this stage of life. It’s interesting that I have gotten back here. I had some thought not too long ago that living with Tom was arguably me living with a parental figure. I feel like I have to grow up now and figure stuff out for myself.

I saw him the other night. He was not very polite, let alone friendly. So much for “Let’s be friends.” I was very hurt by his behavior, but there is not much I can do about it. There is no point in mourning him anymore.

I feel like I am working on figuring me out and that is good. I recently asked what is the point of being single and I got some good/interesting answers. I do think that I am vascilating between an odd sort of baseline and relationship behavior. Although I am not entirely sure why I change so much between feeling single and being in relationships.

Lessons to take with me into my life: for some reason when I get into a relationship I start to feel guilty about the things I do when I am single, i.e. casual sex and sex parties. I don’t know that any of my major relationship partners have wanted me to feel this way, it is just something I do to myself. I need to examine this more. I seem to have some preconceived notions that in order to ‘deserve’ a significant relationship I ought to be a “good girl” and for whatever societal brainwashing reason I don’t actually think I am one. So I try to stifle many of the things that constitute me. This is weird though because I really don’t feel like I am poly. Or maybe it is that I am not polyamorous specifically in that having several relationships doesn’t seem to work for me and I resent the shit out of the time they take away from me when I want to be with someone. I just like going to parties and sleeping with people sometimes. I don’t know how to find a partner who would be ok with the level of not-really poly that I want. Hell, I don’t know how to find a partner with a high sex drive period. *sigh* I’m really tired of feeling guilty for having a high sex drive.

I don’t necessarily need public play, I’m not really that attached to it really, but I do want to be part of the scene in some way. I like having friends whom I can share that part of myself with. I like not always feeling like a freak in the circus just because I am kinky. I like the scene more for the friendships than for the hunting and I would like to find someone who feels similarly.

I think one of the hardest things that I still haven’t really managed to internalize is that I need to be more ok with being alone as I do things. I really suck at this. I do have fun when I go places alone, but if I have a partner I will sit at home rather than go out and that creates a variety of problems. I need to stop immersing myself into relationships. I need to maintain separate time and hobbies and friends. I really suck at this though. I’m working on it though.