Yesterday was a very productive therapy session. Lots of looking at shit and why things work out the way they do for me. I really want to talk about it and it is all very disorganized in my head. I want to curl up in bed and talk to someone about all the ways in which I am crazy and there is no one to do that with.
Today isn’t so fun.
http://marnanel.org/joule is a great website for those of you who don’t know about it yet. It tells you who has friended/unfriended you and when. I don’t keep super close track of who does what when but it is cool every now and then to look and find out that a guy I haven’t talked to in probably 6 or more years has friended me in the last week. 🙂
Last night a comment was made that I haven’t been as obsessed with sex in the last few weeks/entries something like that. I couldn’t tell if it was just an observation or a complaint. 😉
Dancing is so wonderful. Everytime I come dancing after any sort of break I remember why I love it so much and I wonder why I stop going at all… Last night involved some lovely flirting. It is always interesting to flirt when it isn’t likely to go anywhere. The entire vibe is different.
I spent a little over an hour last night standing outside the parking garage talking with my poetry prof. (THANK YOU PETER!!!!!!!) I am going to go in next week and talk to him for an hour or so before class.
He is going to help me figure out what book I should read to do the paper for my Cal Lit incomplete. He understands the issue with that prof and was incredibly sympathetic. Guess it isn’t just me that she is a total bitch to.
He is going to bring me information on poetry for my own students as well as talk with me more in depth about the ones I need to know for the comp exams in April
He is going to go over a few novels with me to make sure I am all set for the rest of the comp exams.
Have I mentioned that I have been totally psyching myself out and I have been freaked out about the comp exams? I have been thinking that there would be no way for me to pass because I haven’t read enough novels and I certainly don’t know enough about poetry.
YAY!!!! He is also being encouraging of me writing in general but that is a generic English person thing to do. I am so glad that Peter convinced me to take this poetry class instead of the other one.
I had a weird/pissy exchange with a Pryankster tonight. It resulted in me being sulky for most of the rest of the night. Right before I left we talked a bit about what happened and how we can avoid both of us getting nasty again in the future and basically kissed and made up.
But I still feel all icki inside. I want to cry. I feel very lonely. I don’t know why it hit me so hard. What was so damn triggering about it? We were poking at each other and then he slapped my arm really hard. There is still a faint hand print almost four hours later. When I reacted in a displeased way he said I deserved it. He had started the poking though and I thought it was playing. I feel very rejected and punished for playing. I don’t like this feeling at all. And now I’m crying.
I’m really just not happy right now. And I get to go climb into my bed by myself. 🙁 I want snuggles and I can’t have them. Today, living alone sucks.
Is anyone going up to FNW from the south bay this week?
And my plans for Saturday consist of being a little girl all afternoon and then maybe SFSI, but I’m open to better suggestions.
In the spirit of “Oh baby give me a better offer” I’m screening all replies…
This is also a good time to just tell me something generically dirty and/or fun. 😉
lj is just bloody convenient for some things.
Would it be possible for a Pryankster person to share the schedule of events with me? I would really like to know what is happening when with a bit more advance notice than the list gives us. I didn’t have writing implements with me on Saturday…
Tentative dates for visiting with lovely people and general travel:
February 25-26 Hikers Hut with some high school friends. I’m pretty terrified about this one…
March 24-26 Portland!! I’m going to Kinkfest baybee. This is set cause I have plane tickets and all. 🙂
April 7-9 Eureka. I would drive up early on Friday and home on Sunday. (Would any random people like to go see anyone up there and we could carpool? ribbin you could go see your bro!) If not that weekend the next weekend the 14-16?
May 19-21 Disneyland. I am going to go back and I would love it if other people would come with. 🙂
May 26-28 Chicago for Shibaricon. 🙂
Sometime June 11-30ish I want to go on a backpacking trip. I am really interested in finding people to come with me! I am going to block out this time for that kind of trip whether anyone comes with or not, but it would be far more fun to have friends.
And if I get the job next year at ST I will not be going to Europe in January for a long stretch so I am going to pick a country and go there late July/early August. I am going to shoot for missing faire if possible. I am going to try and find someplace not scorchingly hot as well.
And given that I plan to spend as much of the year at faire as I can… I’m not going to be around much on weekends this year at all. I need to get my ass in gear sewing costumes. Any ideas for patterns that I should buy would be very very welcome. I would also like to come up to Davis sometime in the next month or two and have some down-time with the people I love so much up there.
I could potentially go up to Davis on the 19th of February (Sunday) and come back Monday during the day. Or the 18/19 of March… What do ya’ll think?
Happy.
Tired.
This weekend I had many opportunities to spend time with some people who rock my world. I would name the Pryanksters who make me feel loved and treasured but it would take a long time and I have to get grading done. I am so happy that I have already made the decision that I will be doing Pryanksters this year. Even Guild Mistress took a moment to stop and tell me that she was happy to have me back. I feel really really welcome and it’s a great feeling.
I got to spend time with some lovely burners and they rocked my world in more ways than one.
Therapy is going well. I’m starting to get into some stuff that is really really really hard for me and… that’s hard for me to do. So I’m glad I’m getting there. If I leave therapy feeling scared and somewhat wounded it means I actually found something important. I’m really happy that I am getting there.
I got to see some pervs who let me know repeatedly that they are happy to have me in their lives.
And I got some lovely, delicious down time. I watched three movies this weekend: Dracula (I need to see it this semester for a class), Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, and Adaptation. I really loved Eternal. It got me to thinking about the concept of second chances. Where and with whom would I want to try again? I had a pretty difficult conversation with someone about that topic. I think I hurt the person. I was telling my truth though and to not tell it… well… I suppose I could have dealt with that. But I didn’t. I said what was in my heart and my mind and I am glad that I am at least being honest with myself. Even if I can’t admit that I want the second chance to the person in question. Really, I’m not as brave as people think I am.
But I’m working towards being a better me. It seems to be a theme lately with some of the women I respect the most: boxofchaos, barelyproper, labelleizzy we will get to where we want to be. I have faith in us.
House. Must. Be. Clean.
I have a hot date on Tuesday. You know, with one of those people that actually get to come to my apartment. He might stay…
Must. Clean.
Ack!
But he’s really awesome….
What do I like from your writing? Comment here and I’ll tell you.
And
don’t forget to post this in your own journal!
Post if you want to. 🙂
Ok, so I’m only going to tell some strange little snippets and not give any actual incriminating details.
I am deeply grateful for the people in my life who tolerate that I run hot/cold. Thank you for allowing me to come and go in your lives and continuing to love me even though I am a serious pain in the ass.
I am learning how to go to a party and find play. It is still very hard and very scary, but I am getting better at actualizing what I want.
I miss spending time with my female friends in the bdsm/sex positive communities and I am going to look at my schedule in the next month and make sure that for every two dates I have with boys I have at least one date with a friend so that my life isn’t just about getting laid. I think that is part of why I burnt out so hard a year ago and was ok with running away. Friendships last longer than lovers do usually. I need to go back to my friendships. 🙂
There are some very cool people who have shown up in the scene in the last couple of years and I need to check my assumptions at the door when it comes to talking to them.
I need to have at least one completely vanilla/non-sexual event at least every two weeks. The scene is great, but burn out sucks.
My therapist has recommended that I put some sort of boundaries up around waiting to have sex with people. We discussed the fact that I tend to either think of someone as potentially “serious” and not sleep with them for a while or I think of them more or less as a trick and they don’t last very long (usually three months is around the limit). I don’t know why I do this, but it is how things work out. She asks if I have ever broken this paradigm. Certainly I have not slept with people ever/not had a relationship work out even when I have waited a while but fsvo serious I have not had relationships go on for a long time if I sleep with them immidiately. It kind of seems like starting to deliberately not sleep with people in the first couple of dates would be a good idea. Not sure about this one though.
I have met some remarkably interesting people lately. I am certainly going to enjoy getting to know people more. Yay for flirtations.
In therapy we also discussed that she doesn’t think my behavior is manic at all. She says I’m happy. It’s kind of an odd thought. People who are happy feel this good? This is just “happiness”? Wow. I guess I have always been rather depressed then…
Movie review!
Go. See. Hoodwinked.
It’s a “kid” movie but it has some of the best one liners I have ever heard. I really loved the premise and the entire movie in general.
Really good, I promise. 🙂
I can be cheerful or I can be bitchy!
So. Life has smacked me down a few times recently. Do I sit around and mope and be pissy? Hell no! Instead I think about all the wonderful good things in my life. I have sooooo much good happening. Good people, good circumstances, and I would like to think a good attitude. Yeah, the lovely flirting happening doesn’t hurt. Yeah yeah, I’m not going to spend the rest of my life alone being pitiful with lots of cats. 🙂 Yay.
Oh, and my super power is that I get to decide who is and is not hot. Not a bad super power I say.
My lesson planning is pretty much done through the end of this unit. 🙂 I’m a good teacher! I am looking forward to the two classes I have been to so far. Both sound like a lot of fun and not too terribly much work. 🙂 I may turn out to be not a hideous student! Although, California lit is still hanging over my head. I should have dropped the class last semester…. Oh well. I will somehow come up with a paper soon.
Oooooooooooh!!!!!!!!!!!! I found HAWT geeky librarian type glasses today. I’m excited!
I should stop babbling now. Did I mention that I had a drink tonight when I got home from class. I’m *smashed* and no one here to take advantage of me. So sad. 🙂
I put my new window on my new amazon credit card so I’m now earning points towards free books.
New books won’t suck.
Rope bondage workshop: $5
Gas roundtrip: $10
Munchies: $6
Replacing my window: $250$115
Money stolen that was to buy my new glasses: $300
There goes any chance of me doing fun stuff or getting new dance shoes or new rope or eating out or…
This is going to seriously hurt.
I don’t like humans sometimes.
I am such a virgo. I like to categorize things. I like fitting people into neat little packages. It’s my thing. Well, sort of. I don’t want to put them into a box as to who they are as a person, but I like to see how they relate to me pretty clearly. As I am currently in the process of starting to date again (what in the hell am I thinking?!) I am getting to revisit a lot of my views on what I want and what I am looking for.
I think there is basically a spectrum for how to date. It goes from people who would like to only have one relationship in their entire life and will turn down dates with people who are very likely to not be suitable. These people are very conservative especially in who they will have sex with and won’t give it up until marriage. Then there are those of us who are more into the shotgun approach. We shoot off a load and figure it will hit something. People in this camp can be looking for the “one” or looking for any number of partners who fit in some way or another. I’m more towards the end of looking for a particular person. My wants are so complicated and multi-faceted though.
This leads me to all sorts of thoughts about what “casual” means. Many of the people I am thinking about/starting to date are poly. This is true for several reasons, not the least of which is: that is my main hunting pool. The public sex-positive community is not exactly a breeding ground for monogamous types. And I’m skirting that fuzzy edge of monogamy/poly anyway. So I’m getting involved with people in some fashion or another and I’m trying to set up my expectations and theirs in a fair and reasonable manner. However, I will NOT give anyone “the speech”. My ex’s famous line: “I am looking for the one; the one I will settle down with and have kids with and you will never be it.” I am not that big of a bitch. It is a fuzzy and difficult line to walk though.
I’m not sure where the line of “casual” begins and end. Is kissing casual? Is fondling? Is getting spanked? Is tying someone up? Is fucking? Is anal sex? What about blow jobs? What about golden showers? Submission? What about calling someone Daddy? Where is the line? I want all of these things in my life. I don’t know how “casual” I want to be about any of them but I also don’t know how serious I want to be about them.
Long ago I asked the question: can a girl have more than one Daddy? I think that with where I am right now, what matters is that I am mommy and daddy and little girl all to myself. If I choose to call someone else by any of those names it is just an extension of my loving and taking care of myself in those ways. That means that someone can be my Daddy for a night or a week and have that be all that it is. There can be more than one Daddy in my life because ultimately they are just operating as part of what I need and what I am doing for myself.
Where am I? I am to a place where I am hunting for more knowledge about myself. I am hunting for more ways to pleasure myself and figure out what I need. I am an exhibitionist and this hunt for myself involves other people. I don’t know if/when it will include someone who will be my One. I probably am not ready for that jump yet. I think that for me, the need to be “single” is not about staying home or not having sex. I think it is about knowing that I have to be the one taking care of myself and not asking anyone else for those accomodations.
Today I did something I very rarely do. I did a tarot reading. The cards I drew:
Who am I? – The Lovers
What/Who do I need? – The Chariot
Who/What dont’ I need? – High Priestess
What are my options? – The Emperor
What direction should I head in? – The Sun
But would anyone like to carpool up to the Citadel tonight?
There are times and places and spaces where you connect with someone. You don’t have to understand why. Who knows if the connection will actually last. Yet in that time and place it is important. Whether that time and place is on-linefor five minutes or ten years and multi-citied.
I have to accept the lessons that come to me. But I don’t know if I am strong enough.