I’m feeling pretty stupid/lame/out of place right now. I am going on a little hiking thing/overnight trip tomorrow with people I knew in high school. I’m kind of freaking out. It’s all tied in with a lot of other basic insecurities.
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With the hard drive crash I have lost The List.
I bet I could recreate it without a problem (Yes, I *do* remember everyone I have had sex with but it would take some thought) but I don’t know if I want to.
Is this maybe God’s way of telling me that the number shouldn’t matter?
(Opinions welcomed.)
Yesterday the hard drive on my laptop died. I have been assured that this isn’t my fault by no less than three very very talented computer people so I don’t feel guilty anymore. Needless to say, I kind of freaked out though. I feared all was lost as far as my data goes and that is scary shit.
This situation led to a major pity party on my part. There was no one to hold my hand as I fearfully sat in the waiting room of the computer repair place and there was no one to pat my head when I almost started crying when the computer place said they can’t do anything for me. I was all mopey and sad and felt really shitty. However, when I stop to think about it…
Ok, I don’t have one partner to sit there and hold my hand. What do I have instead? I have some fucking amazing friends who are a phone call away, and those friends can/choose to do things that are far more useful than merely holding my hand.
M was my first phone call and he told me where to go to deal with having my computer fixed and we discussed how I need to get a backup computer so that this isn’t such a problem in the future. Then he offered to build me one. YAY!!!!
K was my second phone call and he explained the hard drive problem in a way that I can understand (he is capable of talking down to me without making me feel stupid and that takes serious skill) and then he offered to lend me a laptop until mine can be fixed.
R was my third phone call because I just needed to vent and I knew he would be home and willing to at least listen for a few minutes. He told me to bring my laptop over and he would see what he could do with it. I brought it up there and…. HE RECOVERED THE MOST IMPORTANT FILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is now a GOD in my eyes and he can have just about anything he wants. And of course going over to his house involved snuggling and watching some Hawt porn so the night turned out well in general.
I may not have “a special someone” but I have so many people who are willing to support me and help me. I am so grateful for my friends.
So now it is a serious pain in the ass to deal with fixing my computer, but I’m not freaking out. 🙂
I’m not particularly filtering this one even though normally it would go on my therapy filter. It’s kind of weird and disconcerting to be more open about this but I think there are people who are only more loosely part of my network who might be interested in this and maybe it might spur some thoughts and/or discussions that are positive.
As I am trying to get my thoughts in order I thought I would ask ya’ll some questions. This is one of those times when I want as much feedback as I can get. Given the nature of polls, it is hard to get nuanced answers so I encourage, nay beg! you all to comment with your individual perspectives and opinions.
Cause I’m one of those people who work best if I am held accountable. 🙂
Today I would like to:
pick up all the clutter around my apartment.
do all of the homework due this week.
Take a bath.
That is probably all I have time to do in the next 4 hours. And I’m hoping I get through it all. *cross fingers*
This week:
Scrub the bathroom from ceiling (if you work down the drips matter less).
Clean my kitchen from top to bottom.
Buy an ink cartridge so that I can freakin print at home.
Go through fabric stuff and figure out what I need to buy in order to get started on faire stuff. I need: two skirts, bloomers, and a bodice. I can do it. Damnit. I WILL learn how to sew.
Figure out all the stuff I am going to do in the grammar unit for the kiddos. I would like to have that finalized before I go back to school.
Cook something interesting just to prove that I can.
Me time. 🙂
Create multiple music playlists for different moods so I don’t have to sit here thinking about it so often.
Read through a novel and take notes for the comp exams.
Read at least one psych book on sexual assault recovery and start figuring out a syllabus for the class I want to teach.
Figure out how to write about the stuff on my mind about being perceived as a slut.
I think that is all I know about right now. 🙂
Therapy went well. I snuggled with some fun people. Then just as I was pulling into my driveway it hit me.
Happy Birthday Tommy. I hope you aren’t hurting anymore. I miss you.
I want to call my mommy and I can’t.
Today I have had three people announce events for March 4th. This is on top of the four events I already know about.
I can’t be everywhere. 🙁
So, I went and talked to the main teacher of the nasty girl from yesterday and got permission to talk to the kid for a few minutes at the beginning of the period.
When she saw me standing there she tensed up visibly and I could see the hostile energy starting but I managed to stay totally positive. I asked her what was going on yesterday because we just seemed to escalate nastiness and it made me feel really awful when I left the class. I talked about my inappropriate escalation and how as a teacher I am not able to give in to power struggles in class and why I have to stand my ground on issues. I talked about how to approach me to explain (in a nice way) that I might want to give them some slack because they are working and I don’t need to come down so hard. We talked back and forth about tone of voice and how often it isn’t what you say, but how you say it that is a problem. We shared that we are both OTR and prone to being nasty and how that isn’t really an excuse but it is a factor. We discussed how we can both try to stop nastiness from occuring in the future (I will be subbing for her class again).
I am jubilent. I feel really happy that I managed to talk it out with the student and probably lessen any potential future conflict.
You know what, I may be growing up.
Last night I made a chart for my students so that they can compare the novel to both movies in terms of sequence of actions as well as the mood of said scenes. I also put together a study guide of the most significant quotes from the novel. And today they are making comic strips to help them illustrate the mood in the novel so that they can have a more visual representation to take with them into vacation.
It is amazing how we don’t realize the energy we are putting off into the world sometimes. Today I had to deal with a student (I’m subbing–no comments about the word) who is one of the most hostile people I have had the misfortune to encounter in a very long time. She is just a total nasty bitch. Being in the room with her makes me feel angry and aggressive. I don’t like the feeling at all. It was quite a stretch for me to go back to my happy-cheerful attitude with the next period but I’m doing ok.
I don’t understand the point of sending that energy out into the universe. For all that people tell me that teenagers are just awful and why do I want to work with them–it is freakin unusual to see that kind of hostility. Most of the kids are bright and positive and willing to participate. I really love my job. Once in a while, I don’t love a kid though and that is really hard.
🙁
It is really funny how many of you want me to clean your house.
Some of you are some seriously twisted motherfuckers. Damn are your fantasies hot.
The slumber party sounds fun. I have lots of nail polish and pedicure stuff.
Mmmmm cheap hooker.
Mutual masturbation.
Yes please, Sir.
And damn that ass fucking sounds hot.
Any other takers? I need more wank material. 😉
If you had me alone…locked up in your house for twenty-four hours and I had to do whatever you wanted me to, what would you do with me? All posts will be permanently screened because it’s a secret. Then repost this in your LJ- or don’t. You might be surprised with the responses you get.
Anyone have an interest in hitting 24 hour fitness tomorrow? Around 3:30?
(Must get buff for backpacking trips…)
Remember, step two is the most important step. 🙂 Repeat it often.
Step one: Go to the store and buy half priced candy.
Step two: Go home and raucausly masturbate.
Optional step three: comment here and tell me that you did this because it will make me smile. 🙂
Rob says for this week:
“The elegant, shimmering fabric known as silk is obtained from the cocoon of a worm larva. Typically the cocoon is dunked in boiling water to kill the pupa inside before it can chew its way out. Another precious material with gross origins is ambergris. It’s a foul-smelling excrement that sperm whales vomit. After years of exposure to the sun while floating on the ocean, it transforms
into an aromatic, waxy substance that’s used as a major ingredient in perfume. Silk and ambergris are your personal power symbols in the coming weeks, Virgo. I predict that you’ll turn crap into treasure.”
He is an odd man, but we’ll see.
Hopefully the server load is smaller now.
Note about the Nohari: yes, I do want to see this. No, I will not get mad at anyone for what they choose (if they choose to do it). If my feelings are hurt that is something that I need to think about. What am I getting out of what people see in me? That’s about me not about you being bad/awful/wrong/whatever. 🙂
I love my friends.
Snuggles rock!
Today I am seriously pissed off that attractiveness is so strongly linked to weight.
No no no not that V-day crap.
Half-Off Heart Shaped Candy day.
Part one: Go to the store on the 15th and buy heart shaped candy half off.
Part two: Raucous and lusty masturbation.
Who’s with me?