Category Archives: Uncategorized

Pissy

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The next hippy-bitch who tells me that I should relish my period because it connects me with the flow of life?

Yeah. I’m going to break your fucking nose you god damn moron.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I hate my body today. And I hate that my uterus is trying to climb through my gut.

{Therapy filter}

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I didn’t get around to navel gazing on what I thought I wanted to bring up. That is probably good, it meant I was more ok with the topic wandering around a lot.

Some things looked at:
Relationships within my family
How I handle verbal boundaries with friends
My birthday
The touching thing that has been happening lately and the resultant near agoraphobia
Follow up on the moving thing with Puppy

That was a lot to cover in 55 minutes and I feel a little overwhelmed by it. I still feel like she and I are getting up to speed with one another and that means we are doing a lot of very surface-level discussion of things.

In mulling over the touching thing after therapy by myself a couple of things occured to me. At this point in time I am no longer comfortable with allowing anyone to treat my body as if it is something they have a right to touch. This is manifesting in a few ways. The vast majority of my friends are people whom I have given explicit permission to and I am not upset with my friends. However, the fact that my friends touch me so casually and so constantly means that people who do not have permission to touch me feel that it is simply an ok thing to do. I have been trying and trying and trying to figure out how to deal with this. My reaction of just not going out where there might be people who don’t have permission isn’t really working out. It means I am missing chances to see my friends and that is hurting me.

For a while I think I need to revoke all standing permission. In no way is this a criticism of anyone who has standing permission or an implication that you do/have done anything wrong. For whatever reason, at this point in time I need to have a lot more control over access to my body than I have had for a while. I really need to have everyone try to be conscious enough to ask me specifically and verbally if it is ok to touch me right now. I’m going to do my level best to be gentle in reminding people if they forget, because it isn’t a normal part of most peoples’ interactions with me. I don’t know how long this will last. I just can’t deal with constantly feeling out of control anymore. I can’t handle the fact that my feeling at this point in time is that I am better off not going to anyones’ event because I will have to be defensive of my body and potentially hostile. And by defensive of my body, I do mean my shoulder, my head, my arm… I’m not just talking about the sexual parts of my body.

I explained to her that at this point when someone touches me without permission (someone I don’t really know, I’m not referencing friends) my response is to get rather hostile. I told her how very upset it makes me that I get hostile because it is surely over the top. She said it is perfectly ok and she is really happy that I am defending the boundary for myself, however I need to do it. This was my first almost-crying moment with her. I have been feeling so very bad lately that I get so upset about something that other people seem to shrug off. Having so many people tell me to just get over it has made it even worse. I talked to Puppy about it last night too and he said he agrees with her. I am going to make a hugely judgmental statement now and say: Thank god that for once it isn’t me that is broken in an exchange. The people who are telling me that I am wrong for having boundaries are not perfectly ok. It’s stupid and awful that I need other people to tell me this. It isn’t that I think that it is wrong for other people to not have boundaries for themselves, but they are wrong in telling me to get over what I need for myself. [attempt to be funny]I had suspected this.[/attempt to be funny]

I really like this therapist. I think this is going to work out.

School stuff

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I will write the school update though. Cause yeah… I just will. 🙂

I had a gnarly situation this week with a student that lead to considerable angst. For the first several days in class he announced loudly that he wasn’t going to read and he didn’t care what I said about it. I tried calling his mom after class on Monday but she wasn’t home and he took a message. I called back on Tuesday… she hadn’t gotten the message. Turns out his mom is a wacko and before I could explain to her why I was calling she started yelling at him and I listened to a screaming match between them. I felt awful. He wasn’t actually in trouble with me. I was calling to ask him mom if she could please check with him in the evenings to see if he had reading homework and ask him to please do it. That was all I wanted to get across.

Wednesday and Thursday in class was a nightmare. The kid was willfully defiant and rude and just plain awful to me. He made a huge point out of letting everyone in the room know that he hated me and he wasn’t going to do the work. Friday started out even worse. He asked me a question in a nasty tone of voice and I let my temper get the better of me and I wasn’t very helpful in response. I had sent in a referal to the student/family center (our counseling center) the day before because I didn’t want to give him a referal for detention and just as he called me a bitch for not being helpful with his question in came a TA with a pass for him to leave class to talk to the student/family center. I gratefully handed him the pass and sent him out of class. Multiple students told me that he didn’t have the right to treat me that way and that he was not adequately provoked for that kind of behavior.

He came back into class with about 15 minutes left obviously with a huge chip still on his shoulder. The class was working silently on writing so I pulled him out of class. The first words out of my mouth were an apology. I told him at length why I called his mom, what my intentions were, and why I now know that it was a horrible idea and I feel really bad. He was visibly shocked. We talked for a few minutes about the mistakes I have made with him and I apologized again. He apologized for his behavior and explained why he was lashing out at me (his mom really is pretty crazy) and we agreed to start over with one another on Monday. I gave him permission to stay in at break any time something comes up that he is upset about. He was really surprised that when I do something that is messed up he can call me on it. I think things will be ok now. He really is a nice kid and I had been looking forward to working with him.

In other news:
My unit plan for short stories is basically done and I have figured out almost everything that I am doing for every other unit other than poetry. Poetry isn’t my thing and I am having a bitch of a time figuring out that unit. I also took over the senior class Friday. AHH!! For the next three weeks I am doing exactly what my master teacher wants done because I don’t want to change approaches with the kids mid-way through a book. That wouldn’t be fair. Then I take over and have them on my own for 12 weeks. 🙂 That is… if my school doesn’t add on another English class… and it looks like they will. oy. All of the senior Enligh classes have 34-37 kids in them and the teaching contract says 33 kids. This is a problem.

I started writers workshop this week and I am really blown away by how personal a lot of the writing was! I thought it was weird that I volunteered so much personal information with people I didn’t know well. Yeah right! I’m apparently normal. It is really cool to get to know the kids and I think this year is going to be so much fun!

This weekend my goal is to get all of the assignments and rubrics done for this unit so that I can make all of my overheads and copies on Tuesday when I will have extra time on campus. Then I won’t have to be so worried about arriving as early in the mornings. 🙂

Good grief.

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Ok, the problem with filters is, I want to write about school. That means school filter. I want to write about my upcoming therapy appointment today. That means therapy filter. I want to talk about some of my insecurity filter stuff.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH Fine. I will either write three posts or none at all. Guess we’ll see.

Oh! New icons. Much awesome stuff. Much love to Noah for letting me have these in the first place. 🙂 (Though I have now paid for my own thankyouverymuch)

uhm, uhm uhm…

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Well… I finished my lesson for tomorrow and read the book for the other class and all that mess…

So now I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs. It is 8:30 on a Thursday night and I feel like I want someone to pay attention to me. Puppy is still at work and will be for a while longer (TA duties). I am noticing that teaching means putting a great deal of time and focus outside of me and onto other people. When I finished the reading tonight I stopped and considered the fact that other than eating, the need for sleep, and bathing I haven’t paid attention to myself in the last 48-ish hours. That is a long time for me to not have any personal thoughts! I tried hitting a social event last night for a bit but I was so wrapped up in what I needed to accomplish in planning that I got snappy and impatient immediately and just came home. It’s a weird feeling. I want attention, and yet I know that I have no energy to give to anyone at this point so I’m not seriously thinking about doing anything with anyone else. I feel totally selfish and self-absorbed. I hate that I feel bad for that. I need to be asleep in about an hour and a half and I haven’t noticed myself in more than two days and I feel guilty for wanting to focus on me for what time I have until I sleep? I really am weird.

Or maybe I’m not. Do other people feel guilty when they want to only pay attention to themself? (I’m sure my self-absorbtion of the moment is also related to my speedy reading of Siddhartha tonight.)

I think I should put on a cheesy kids movie, make myself some comfort food that I won’t feel guilty about, and crawl into bed.

I can’t even bring myself to seriously look at what has happened on lj since this weekend. My brain considered it and discarded it out of laziness. I do love you all; I’m just fried.

Drowning

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Wow this week has been brutal!

I haven’t read lj really. I tried skimming… but my brain is fried and there is a novel I have to read tonight because I take over teaching the class tomorrow.

I may still end up teaching another section. Oy. I want them to decide already.

My class is going fairly well. I have next week planned entirely and I am putting finishing touches on the following two weeks. YAY!

I love my Puppy. He has been stepping up in a number of ways that really impress me. I feel very lucky to have him even though having him means I have an evil commute.

I had dinner with a cool guy from school on Tuesday. That was a highlight of the week. 🙂

Still running a defecit on sleep and sex. DAMNIT!!!

weird

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I have managed to wear out my eyes. I have been reading pretty much non-stop for the last 6 hours. Now I can’t seem to focus.

I have the year outline done and I am set for Monday. I’m going to call it a day and give my eyes a break.

(Read this cause there is a poll for an opt-in filter at the end.)

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Yes. I really am a morning person. I woke up (without the alarm) at 6:20. I could have gotten ready for work in that time, but I need to try and encourage my body to get up a little earlier. By the end of next week I won’t need an alarm again.

I have already sent numerous emails that are work related and now I am going to start grading. When I finish: curriculum! I have a whole year to plan. My goal is to have the rough sketch for the entire year done by 10 so that I can be done before I go hiking with friends today. 🙂 Yes. I am a nerd. And an over-achiever. What is your point?!

Tomorrow I get to put together my next two unit plans. Short stories for the next three weeks and The Crucible for the six weeks after that.

I am going to be babbling about school a LOT. Do you actually want to hear this? I will be merciful and let people opt-in at this point. 😉 Standard disclaimer: If you don’t OPT IN you won’t be added. I’m kind that way.

 

email spam

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A teacher friend sent me this. It makes the rounds in education pretty frequently. I like it.

———————————————————————————————-

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the “Peanuts” comic strip. You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you’ll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care.

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already
tomorrow in Australia.” (Charles Schultz)

Hmmmm A question…

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I’m not going to do this as a poll, because… well… I don’t feel like it.

What songs do you associate with “America?” With places or ideas or just something that feels overwhelmingly “American” to you?

My first ideas:
American Pie
Motownphilly
Sweet Home Alabama
Summer of ’69

oh yeah!

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I didn’t say how much my happiness is also a result of just being happy with my life. I have great friends who give me wonderful support. It was on my mind today kind of generally and I was thinking about how I don’t acknowledge the greatness of my friends enough.

I am touched and honored by the wonderfulness of the people in my life. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. Thank you for the phone calls yesterday and the emails and the comments. I really appreciate the support.

tiredness

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Day two was really awful until about 2:00. See, I thought I crashed and burned in a horrible way during class today because the kids were quiet and apathetic and one boy was kind of snotty. Well, I managed to talk to the boy who was snotty and one other boy from class at around 2 and it turns out that the other boy thought the class was really great and the snotty boy clarified was his issue had been and he stressed multiple times that *it was not about me*. He said I did fine, he was just not into that type of writing and he is sorry he hurt my feelings.

Yay! Ok, I love this class and especially that boy.

I have a huge stack of folders to go through this weekend as I try to formulate my unit plans for the whole year. Info from other teachers you see, because my department RAWKS!!! My student teaching supervisor is being bitchy, but I am finding ways around that. I have shitloads of paperwork to do in the next few days for the district and for my department at SJSU. I also need to find time to do reading homework for my classes. Oy. OH! And the scary part is, I have to take the language exam for my MA on October 19th. You heard that right. Oh My God. I’m scared. And I have to file for graduation by the 9th of October. And I have to take the MA exams in early November. Can we say “overload”?

Yesterday I was out of the house for 11 hours. Today I was out of the house for 10 hours. I want to continue the downward trend… There is still the possibility that I am going to need to pick up another period of teaching, which will mean that I don’t do the student teaching I currently have lined up. That would suck because the teacher I am currently observing is AMAZING. She actually taught a unit for my methods of teaching English class last year and I loved her enthusiasm then.

I am busy and very stressed, but my reaction to being very stressed is to become hyper-organized. I laid all of the groundwork today and I am really excited about the challenges that this year is presenting. So far I have done fairly well in the classroom and my kids are responding well to me and are very willing to work for me. I look forward to getting to know them better in the coming weeks. It is kind of sick, but I am also kind of happy to be back on a morning schedule. I never feel as good when I am forcing my body to stay up late at night. I woke up 20 minutes before the alarm this morning. (Falling asleep at 9:20 will do that for you.) And I felt pretty good! I had a pretty high amount of energy today, which is incredible considering that I am running at a cummulative sleep dep for the week.

Now, I have used up my alloted time for decompressing (I sorta caught up on lj–love to those of you who are stressing, and there are a lot of you). Now I get to put comments on the kids in-class writing today. *beem*

Anne Rice speaks…

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I haven’t said much about Katrina, though I have been reading every article I can get my hands on. I am deeply disturbed by this event in ways I cannot accurately say. I just read an open letter from Anne Rice and I found it to be quite good. I hope that other people enjoy it as well.

http://www.wwltv.com/topstories/stories/wwl090305annerice.21ad697f.html

*sigh*

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I want this weekend to be over already. I am tired of arguments. I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of the shift key on my keyboard not working properly.

And I am fucking tired because despite the fact that I was in bed really early last night I just couldn’t sleep. Starting this week I have to be out of my house an hour or more before I have been waking up for the past year. I am trying to switch my schedule around now so that I actually function this week.

I am tired of being the grown up. I am tired of having to always be the one to apologize. I am tired of constantly being fucking wrong. I’m starting to think I’m not fucking wrong. Maybe someone needs to get their god damn head out of their ass.