Category Archives: Uncategorized

Experiences…

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Last night I had a new experience. I tried something I have never tried before though I have wanted to.

I don’t need to repeat this experience. Once was enough. There was good and bad bits to it. I felt scared quite often in ways that were very overwhelming for me. I decided to go for a walk and about 12 minutes in (Puppy timing) I *freaked* and literally ran home. I spent the rest of the night inside cause I needed to feel safe. There were parts of seeing patterns and the physicality that were very cool. I spent a little time doing mirror gazing while I sat in the bathroom for a while cause I couldn’t remember how to go to the bathroom. I knew from my reading that this could be a bad idea. Instead of seeing anything bad, I saw myself as more beautiful than I have ever seen myself before. This was pretty intense. It carried over into today. When I looked in the mirror this morning I still saw myself as absolutely beautiful. This was awesome. Yay me! 🙂

Last night for a lot of time I was crying. I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t know why I was crying. I wasn’t actually sad. I didn’t know what I was.

Puppy took care of me and it was a good thing. I couldn’t do much of anything and I needed him so desperately. I am really grateful to him.

Kissing was *amazing*. But yeah, don’t need to do it again.

*cough*

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Uhum. *clear throat*

I… am the newest teacher employed at Santa Teresa High School. I was the first interview. My enthusiasm and commitment impressed them so much that they decided they could not risk not getting me.

See, I walked in and told them that unfortunately I need to know today because I am potentially starting at another school on Tuesday and I feel it is unethical to go to a school and meet the teacher, principal, and students and then drop the assignment. Even though I would vastly prefer to a)work at a high school and b) be paid for my labors, I need to be respectful of everyone involved and that mean honoring a commitment if I make it.

So they saw the person who was waiting in the lobby as I left. Then they called me and said that they simply have to have me. If I am willing, welcome to the team. YES!!!

So now I have to send emails to everyone in the credential program letting them know what is up.

SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

Mood+Sex

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Puppy is discovering something. Frankly, that he is just discovering it means he is pretty slow.

I am happier when I am having sex basically every day. The first piece of this is: that means I am in the mood every day. Me being in the mood for sex means that I am feeling up, happy, and much more secure. When I manage to shut my sex drive off, which I can do with conscious effort, I am more depressed, less bouncy, and generally just not “up.” And then there is the benefit of: having sex makes the brain produce all sorts of yummy chemicals which encourage me to feel good generally.

Puppy has made it very clear in our relationship that my sex drive is much higher than his. At times, he expresses this lovingly and just tells me not now. Other times though he gets frustrated with me and has gotten somewhat mean about it once or twice. I get the general impression he will never be mean about it again.

Combined with my last period (he thinks sex during that time of the month is gross) and just generally feeling kind of frustrated I decided to turn it off. That means that in the last week or so, we haven’t been very active. And I have not initiated at all in any way. He has noticed the general drop in my mood and commented on it. He also made note of my off/on switch and thinks it isn’t a good thing. Wednesday night we had a long talk about it after he tried to initiate sex and I did the equivalent of “can’t get it up” and he said that he hasn’t meant to complain about my sex drive nearly as much as I have heard it and really… he would like it to come back…

So I spent some time yesterday masturbating and reading porn and getting myself back into my normal “yayyyy sex” mode. Last night we had some fun. And this morning when I initiated, he took one for the team and put out again knowing that there will be sex tonight too. Twice a day is hard for him and most of the time he isn’t willing. I think he decided that rewarding me for doing what he wanted (turning it back on) was a good thing. I do know that twice in one day is still going to be a once a month or less thing. But it’s awfully fun when I get it.

Blurbiness

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So I hate updating sans client, but my Semagic is still sucking for unknown reasons.

Confusion is still reigning in response to teaching this semester/year. Hopefully there will be a phone call today helping with that. I talked to fin aid. I’ve been approved and such, I just haven’t been sent my check yet. I can float a bit longer.

I have been watching Katrina news more than I have watched anything since 9/11. I am significantly upset by the whole situation and I can’t put my finger on why exactly. Yes, it is a major tragedy–but why do I feel so personally affected by it? Usually I am somewhat more callous than that. I think in order to survive in America you need to be somewhat callous to the atrocities that occur every day somewhere in the world. We can’t help/fix/whatever everyone. But this one I can’t let go of. I’m sending money and I feel pathetic for only doing that. I am sending more than I can really afford, but who in the hell am I to bitch about money concerns when I still have a home and a stable income and…. yeah. Just do it and all that.

My massive cleaning on Tuesday has been somewhat obliterated by the messiness that is the Puppy. *sigh* Oh well. I am going to finish cleaning the guest room today anyway because it may come in useful tomorrow night. Interesting stuff in the works.

Much oddness still happening in the relationship with the Puppy. He complained enough about my sex drive that it seems to be…. gone. Yeah. I haven’t been able to talk myself into being interested in sex in several days. I feel pretty distant from even the idea of sex. He pointed out that I have an issue with always/never. My sex drive is on or it is off. I either want to have sex four times a day or I am not even vaguely interested. I think it has to do with not wanting to deal with rejection; in order to stop feeling rejected I will turn that part of my body off. Not so good.

He is off to a 15 hour day today. Tomorrow is also likely to be a long day. *sigh* Not much time spent with him lately and that is sad.

I am feeling very disconnected right now. Even when I am standing in front of someone I adore and hugging them, I feel kind of panicky and like I have to run away. Yet I miss them and want to spend time with them. Even when I am with someone I miss them. I don’t know what is going on.

And my tummy is hurting and I’m not sleeping well. Blah.

Dorkiness

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I realized that only having 39 pictures out of 100 was a waste. So I added a bunch of pictures. At this time I would like to solicit those of you who like to take pictures. If you can get any good ones of me… feel free. 😉

Interesting…

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I just got a phone call from someone I have not been friends with for nearly a year. This person has very strong (alternative) religious beliefs and has offered up himself as a stand-in for me in a major ritual to help deal with some of my karmic/astral issues. I asked him more than once why he wants to do this for me and he said simply because opportunities to do this kind of healing do not come up very often and he feels compassion for my suffering. As difficult as it is for me to accept at face value help from him I told him that I would be honored to have him do work for me.

He is one of those people that I conflict with significantly and yet… there is some sort of odd connection anyway. I recognize the power in what he is trying to do and I have been astounded at the things he understands about me. I don’t know entirely how to feel about the ritual that will commense in about 45 minutes. Although, frankly, if anything can help me deal with the poison that works against me sometimes in life I am grateful.

Strange as it may sound to people who do not share similar spiritual beliefs, I think there is some sort of karmic involvment/debt between he and I and I still don’t know how things will work out in the long-run. Despite rather serious run-ins/anger/hostility… there is something there. I just don’t know what yet.

I wonder how radically my life is going to be affected, for I do believe in the power of these sorts of rituals.

*happy dance*

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I will now proceed to shriek and jump up and down in excitement like a little girl.

I was just sent an email saying that Milpitas Middle School is happy to take me as a teacher. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy

This means: driving only 50 miles/day instead of 85. That is a Big Difference. I am ecstatic. Ok, so it is middle school, but that’s ok. I can handle kidlets instead of almost fully grown people. It will mean a few modifications in my mindset, but I’m capable. (Middle schoolers need a whole lot more reminding and hand-holding than high school kids do. They also need a great deal more generic support as their bodies are going through hell. They also often are much less mature than you might think based on the fact that they are adult sized. In middle school No Racy comments. I will also have to signficantly bring down my expectations about their ability to analyze because most middle schoolers simply do not understand symbolism yet; their brains just aren’t there yet.)

But I am really really happy. This means driving 175 miles less per week. That is a jump of such magnitude that I sent my advisor an email with a P.S. saying that my car thanks her as well.

*happy dance*

Crying

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I walked her to the plane in Phoenix,
I said: “Say hello to your mama.”
She couldn’t even look me in the eye.
I drove out to the desert,
Just like nothing happened,
But somewhere in the darkness,
I heard her say good bye.

Now I hear voices in the wind,
Sayin’ she ain’t coming back to me.
I look for guidance in the sky,
But the stars have all gone out tonight.
I feel like the love of my life is dying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.

I’m burning up this blacktop,
Headin’ down to Austin.
I wonder if she misses me tonight.
I wish that I could tell her,
How much I love her.
And I wish this damned ol’ Thunderbird could fly.

Now I hear voices in the wind,
Sayin’ she ain’t coming back to me.
I look for guidance in the sky,
But the stars have all gone out tonight.
I feel like the love of my life is dying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.

Now I hear voices in the wind,
Sayin’ she ain’t coming back to me.
I look for guidance in the sky,
But the stars have all gone out tonight.
I feel like the love of my life is dying.
Even the man in the moon is crying.

Even the man in the moon is crying.

Even the man in the moon is crying.

Even the man in the moon is crying.
-Mark Collie

blurbs

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I woke up this morning and checked my email and promptly became a ranting, raving bitch. Well, I finally got my teaching assignment. It is fourty fucking miles from my house. I ranted and was pissy and nasty for a while. Puppy and I went through a debate about whether I should move to SJ and he should move back up to Berkeley basically for the year. This kind of snapped me out of my nastiness. We decided that would suck more than driving and we want to continue living together. I uhhh don’t get to be all nasty about the 9,000 or so miles I am going to put on my car in the next 5 months… I told him that if he thinks he might want to break up with me he better do it now before I go through that or he is going to end up in the hospital because I will beat him so badly he won’t wake up for a week.

Last night I was thanked for driving a friend around on errands yesterday. I literally stopped and blinked. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to do it. What an interesting thought. I wonder how other people’s brains work. (The thank you was very sweet in any case.)

Still no word on financial aid. However, I think that one is going to work itself out eventually and be ok. I am going to take both loans and let one of them sit in my savings account due to my paranoia about my car dying in the next year. Puppy is much more worried about money than I am. I’m actually kind of worried about his stress level above my own. Money doesn’t get to me the way it seems to get to him.

The MA class this semester turns out to be specifically themes in Californian literature as oppossed to American literature overall. Hrm. Uhm, ok. This class is going to be rather difficult and I am always paranoid when I have one term paper that is 40% of my grade. Can we say, “Don’t fuck up.” It’ll be ok though. I am going to get through this with flying colors, damnit. I want to get an A in this class. Just because I want to have another one on my transcript. 🙂

I think my house is going to be messy for the next few months and I could not care less! 🙂 I am actually all of a sudden *so* grateful that I have already made the decision to not do Dickens. The commute and long hours there on top of my already driving sooooo much and working like crazy would be too much. But now I am really happy that I don’t feel like I am making the decision out of last-minute duress. I really like having things be settled already.

I got another good massage last night. Two in two weeks! My life doesn’t suck. 🙂

I have decided that despite the fact that today did not start off on a great foot, I am going to be in a good mood. I have sang the Bumblebee song to myself three times already and I’m still giggling. Now, I am going to make cookies! I’m going to make sooooo many cookies today. I need to have cookies for sarahh and brian1789 so that they can feel the love as they are on their way to Spain. It isn’t easy going far away from your loved ones for a long time. And cause I’m going to make lots of cookies for them I want to bring some to karenbynight and princeofwands too cause they have been including me in their lives more and more and they make me feel very good about myself. Besides, maybe if I bribe them with good enough cookies they will delay moving away from me by another week or so. *sniff* And and and and… the more I think about making cookies, the more people I think need some cookies. I think the cookie fairy needs to visit a large number of households in the next few days… This means I need to get off my ass!

birthday

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I woke up this morning and thought about my upcoming birthday. I have absolutely no plans and I doubt I am going to make any. I thought about the last five birthdays and how I have spent them primarily with Tom and with Anna. And I cried. Where did my life go? I miss them both so much and it feels like neither of them love me at all anymore and it hurts so much.

I will probably spend my birthday hiding in my house with it as dark as I can make it and crying and mourning the fact that the life I thought I was building died. Puppy will go shooting. Apparently the Puppy is more perceptive and caring than I first gave him credit for. Yay Puppy.

sad

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Sometimes something happens. It doesn’t have to be an important something, just random bickering. But it tells you a lot about who a person is and it tells you a lot about who a community is. Today I think I figured out that I don’t belong in a community. The social values of that community are not ones that I respect or can live by and that means I should walk away instead of dealing with continual upset and difficulty.

It’s sad really. I don’t think it will be that hard though. There are some good people in that community. There are probably three or four people that I will continue to include in my life, but I will simply not be part of that overall dynamic.

I’m worth more than that.

Resolution!!

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Ok. I sucked it up and brought up a terrifying subject. I should get some major freakin brownie points for this.

I told him that my instinct is to just say, “Avoid this crazy bitch like the plague.” We agreed that it was not quite reasonable though. We talked for a while about some of the things that upset me and how to deal with them and he explained that between his work/school and her work/school they are unlikely to spend much together anyway. I told him that was not good enough because that is ambiguous and no real solution. He asked me “What restrictions do you want me to have.” AHHH I don’t want that responsibility first of all. I told him that I don’t want any surprises. With the caveat that if she decides to call and say, “I’m on campus, want to have coffee?” that it would be ok and he doesn’t have to call me first or anything. Stuff involving violence or extended visits I would like him to let me know about, but they are well within his rights. We talked about various shooting schtuff. We went through the laundry list of things that can happen to help me feel ok with her being in the same place as a loaded gun with him. But mostly I told him that the idea of him going shooting with her freaks me out in every way that something can freak me out. He is entitled to do whatever he wants–he is a grown up and I don’t get to decide for him. However, I’m going to be fucking upset if he decides to do it. I could view this as manipulative, or I could say that I was being completely honest. I choose to believe I was being honest. I want to make the prospect of him shooting with her unattractive because the results will be unattractive. I said that I would be uncomfortable with them spending a bunch of time in our apartment alone together. I also said that if we have another party and if japlady and angelbob and blacksheep_lj will be there then she has to come. Cause then I can sit on/behind my friends and not worry about her presense. 🙂

This was a calm, rational conversation. I actually gave in on several points (I’m not detailing everything cause it would take a while) and he told me that ensuring that I am comfortable and happy is a very high priority. Ok. We are getting better at this communication and compromise stuff. Near as I can tell (I can’t actually speak for him, but it seems to me) both of us are happy with the resolution. YAY!

Songs meme

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Go to http://www.musicOutfitters.com

In the Search box, enter the year you graduated high school. The first item returned should be the 100 songs from that year. Cut and paste them into your journal.

Bold those you like.
Strike those you loathe.
Italicise those you don’t know.
Underline your favourite.
Add comments after them if you feel like it.

Going through this is funny. I must have been hiding under a rock. I hardly know any of them.
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