Category Archives: Uncategorized

Rejection

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Why is it that I can’t handle disliking someone? I am beating myself up like crazy today over this issue with Puppy’s ex. I’m looking at the situation like crazy trying to figure out how I might be wrong. Maybe she is nicer/better/whatever than I am giving her credit for. Maybe I am just flat wrong. Puppy likes her, why don’t I? I think I want to turn her over to japlady so that I can have validation for my feelings. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like my dislike of her is insufficient.

I do this with people on a regular basis. I hate feeling this way about anyone. I can’t give myself permission to dislike anyone. I think it eats me up inside to feel dislike. It is as if I feel it makes me a bad person to not like someone. I still feel bad for disliking my father. I kind of think that I treat my feelings as if there is only a certain amount of room inside me for feeling at all. If I waste that space on dislike, then it is a bigger chunk of me that is unavailable for liking someone else. But I don’t seem to be able to not dislike some people.

I hate rejecting anyone on any level. It’s a boundary issue and I don’t know how to fix it.

Friends list

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I have agonized over this quite a bit, but I slashed my friends list significantly. School is starting and I’m going to be working. I simply can’t keep up and I can’t handle not doing the reading. I’m overly compulsive that way.

I wish everyone well and I hope I can check in from time to time. I just can’t keep up for now.

I’m fucking open-minded, damnit.

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Ok, I had a margarita yesterday and impulsively decided to do something. I invited the psycho-ex over. Some of you may start going through your mental rolodex now and think…”But… I thought she didn’t have a psycho ex…” You would be so right. I have entirely reasonable, wonderful ex-boyfriends. Puppy has a psycho ex-girlfriend though. And he wanted me to meet her and I am stupid, so I gave in.

I don’t like her. I don’t like her in any way. She is competitive about everything. If she has done something one time she is better than anyone else who has ever done it. I had my friend Mo over as a buffer, and that was a really smart idea. This bitch had the presumption to sit there and lecture Mo on what working theatre is like. For those of you who don’t know Mo (your life is much less amusing, I’m sorry) she has been a working actor for 30 years. Most of that time in theatre. So this stupid little bitch has been doing theatre for two years and wants to lecture Mo? My jaw literally hit my chest. The conversation morphed and I made a comment about loving amazon.com’s used section because I save messloads of money. She then lectured me on why she believes it is better to support local booksellers because real people are behind them. Look bitch, the people on amazon are real people who need to eat as well. And if I had a rich mommy and daddy footing the bill maybe I could afford to be more fucking liberal with my money as well. Mo and I started talking about Andrew (ok the conversation started because we were discussing porn and I brought up “Lusty Lesbians”) and I showed her the books that he gave me before he moved. Two very very very nice books. One is a copy of Milton printed in 1832 and the other is a book on religious discourse in Italian printed in the mid 18th century. I don’t remember the year and I have to stop and think about roman numerals too hard. This prompted this bitch to go off on how she has an extensive collection of old religious books in numerous languages. I think if she hadn’t had a nasty tone of voice I would have felt she was trying to identify with me, but she wasn’t. She was trying to top me and I just don’t play those games. I was just talking about how great Andrew was, not how great I am for having two books. Whoopie. The objects aren’t important in and of themselves and I am not going to play games about who is better for having them.

I want to get this bitch in a room with japlady so bad I can taste it. I even told Puppy that I really want those two to be in a room together. Yeah… it will be funnier than hell. About 15 minutes into the conversation my thought was japlady is going to hate her. I am sick enough that this made my smile go from ear to ear.

She lectured me about Disney. Ok. Stop and think about this one. I am a major Disney-phile who has done more research than a sane person should on the history of the movies and somewhat about the company. AND I did my best to do my focus on children’s literature. Ok bitch, tell me again about how Disney changed the stories? I’m too stupid to understand and I need small words as you tell me this surprising fact. I think this section of the conversation alone would have made me hate her. Do Not talk down to me on one of my pet topics. Just don’t. It is a fast way of earning my emnity.

And those games that japlady predicted? In spades and of course Puppy didn’t notice. Lots of female game playing shit possessive references to him and his family and friends. She has seen him recently and he told me she already asked those questions, but uhm… they had to be said in front of me to indicate that she has some sort of insider knowledge? I don’t give a shit. He looked at something on the computer and then closed the browser. The desktop picture is one of he and I and the rest of his family when we were white water rafting in North Carolina last month. Her eyes narrowed and she asked about the picture in a really nasty tone of voice. I started blinking and felt flat shocked. Dude. At least try to hide your nastiness. I kind of felt like she declared war and I didn’t have to be nice anymore.

And she is very young. We got into a debate on word origin of the word cohort and Puppy pulled out his Latin dictionary. She started thumbing around idly and started doing the Beavis and Butthead laugh when she found the word “coitus.” I couldn’t help myself. I said, “Wow. I feel like I am sitting in a high school classroom.” She didn’t like that at all and was really pissy. She brought it up and was nasty about it four more times before she left.

I feel no need to become friends with this petty, obnoxious, little girl. I gave it a shot. I’m done. And yes, I think she is potentially dangerous. That kind of fierce competition with no filter on her impulsive behavior is dangerous. I don’t think it matters what I think. Puppy is going to do whatever he wants.

good lord

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Today is PMS day. Today is, “I will rip your fucking head off if I don’t like the look on your face day.” Just saying. I was thinking about sOakland, but given how fucking nasty I am being… not a good plan.

Therapy was good. Yesterday was good in general. There is something on my mind that is freaking me out, but there is nothing to do about it but face it.

la la la

I hate the whole fucking world…. la la lala I hate my body la la la la. I HURTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. No la la la. Mother fucking uterus.

Ok, maybe I don’t hate you. Maybe.

Quoteable

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In talking to a friend about negative self-talk and doubt and stuff:
He is going to practice showing me how to deal with it…
C E: “C says – T** rawks!”
C E: “K feels bad because if T** rawks then she must not”
C E: xxx wrong.
C E: Round 2.
C E: “C says – T** rawks!”
C E: “K asks herself, ‘do I rawk?'”
C E: “k answers, “of course you do, silly girl”
C E: K thinks, “alright! I rawk!”
C E: K smiles and nods at C.
C E: How’s that look?
C E: Or…
C E: C says – t** rawks!
C E: K asks herself, do I rawk?
C E: K answers, I think so, but I’m not sure.
C E: K asks C – do I rawk too?
C E: C says, of course you do!
C E: K smiles and bounces “alright! I rawk!

{my shit} First visit goals

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For some reason I feel comfortable enough with you to put you into the filter where I talk about my shit. This is not an opt-in filter. However, please feel free to opt-out if whatever I’m talking about makes you uncomfortable. I won’t be upset at all.

Some of the main points I want to bring up as the biggest stuff that is on my plate at this point in time:

Anxiety in general. When I get upset about things I shut down and don’t seem to be able to make any progress on my own. How can I better recognize anxiety and not get locked into bad patterns?
Anger management. If something/anything at all sets me off I am completely unreasonable and I can’t calm down. I get violent very easily and I lash out constantly. This isn’t ok. I want to figure out how to stop lashing out and feeling inappropriate anger. It isn’t that I want to stop getting/feeling angry. I just want to do it in a way that isn’t psycho and out-of-line.
Hearing negative when none is intended. This is a major problem in any/all relationships for me. I constantly feel criticized and looked down on even when people are not being anything but positive. A subset of this is my major abandonment fears. I always think that people are formulating an “out” plan for getting out of having to deal with me. How do I stop hearing negative tapes attached to any/every thing that people say?
Inferiority complex. I think that pretty much everyone in my life is better than me intellectually/social class wise/spirituality/whatever. If someone has/does anything better than me I think they are a “better person” than me and then I translate that into feeling totally worthless generally. This is totally the suck because I consciously surround myself with highly talented and brilliant people because those are who I admire and relate to. So I set myself up for feeling bad a lot of the time just in who I like. It’s pretty stupid. Especially considering that these same people almost constantly tell me how much they in turn admire me. It’s part of only hearing negative.

I think these are the basics….

Edit for reframing of goals.
I want to feel secure that people are telling me the truth when they say they love me and are going to stay. (In the sense that they are being honest in their intentions. Life happens.)
I want to feel confident that I am equal to my friends.
I want to hear and believe the positives that people say to me. I want to be able to internalize the affection that people are giving to me.
Others to come….

Advice

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Yes. I actually want advice on this one.

So I have an appointment with a therapist. If she isn’t queer, kinky, and poly… at least most of her friends are. She is actually part of “the community” (which means that part of the first session will be seeing if I can actually see her or if there is too close of a contact somewhere).

I haven’t gone to see a new therapist in a long time and the last time I did it was with a specific thing going on. I don’t feel like I know where to begin. I feel overwhelmed by the mess in my head. I need to have some way of presenting things/me to her and I am totally lost. For some reason I just don’t feel like I should begin with the standard dump about my childhood. That is part of my shit, but it isn’t really the part that is the most important right now and it totally gives the impression that I am broken nearly beyond repair. Instead I am just kind of broken. …. I feel really uncertain as to how to approach this.

Any tips, advice, or recommendations?

Hell yeah

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I’m in a really good mood. I visited relatives today and it was entirely pleasant. While I was there I got a call back from the person I would like to see as a therapist and we have an appointment for Saturday. She seems really cool and I am excited.

I’m feeling really happy today. A bit on the edgy side, but for no real reason. My goal is to make it through tonight without a single pissy exchange.

And now, for your entertainment: Go read this site about how real men should be.

Productive

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Many calls/emails sent regarding student teaching. I want to know ASAP people! Jesus. I may have to start on Monday and I don’t even know what city or what school yet. I want to scream.

Fin Aid dealt with as much as it can be. I don’t know where the money is coming from yet, but it is coming. That is some kind of comfort I suppose.

Books ordered for school and I saved $40. Yay Amazon.

A friend is giving me a modem so I don’t have to spend more money. YAY!

Claim form for PG&E filled out and in the mail.

Call out to teacher at Las Positas to find out if I can take the Spanish class I need.

Bills paid.

Email out to find out about one option for therapy. A friend is also trying to find out if another (highly suitable) person is available and someone I can see.

Kitchen clean.

Not bad for before lunch.

Oh yeah

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And I forgot to mention that when we got home late last night it was to a note on our door from PG&E. There was some sort of power fluctuation and if they fried any of our electronics, please call them and order a claim form.

FUCK. Our modem is toast. Our phones are toast. The microwave that I bought on THURSDAY. The answering machine.

Apparently everything that wasn’t plugged in via a power strip. Mother Fucker.

A new modem is going to be ~ $100. I want to cry.

Productivity in spurts.

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I was supposed to do a bunch of stuff yesterday, but scalding myself at around 11:30 ended my desire to get off my bed and instead I lay very still and cried a lot all day. (Oh. The mark on my stomach is still very red but fading. My arm looks normal. My breast is still very red and angry and unhappy looking, but it doesn’t hurt to touch it.)

So today! Today is the day. I am going to do laundry. I am going to make my whole house clean and ship-shape as we run off for several days again. Most of my house isn’t bad, but there are bits of picking up all over and floors/bathroom stuff could really use a good scrubbing. Not to mention cat care. I already paid bills this morning and have got the living room almost up to snuff.

Still debating whether I’m doing S&P tonight. If I do it won’t be for long and I may show up later. I feel like cooking tonight and stuff. 🙂 I’m just not quite at my most social right now and I am going to be in the company of minimally three people pretty much at all times until Sunday night or Monday. Oy. I think I am going to have to practice keeping my mouth shut. 🙂 Doesn’t mean I don’t like all of the people I will be seeing (ok, there is one girl but she is annoying no matter what) I will just be running on maximal people capacity for a while.

To those wonderful people I get to see this weekend that I don’t get to see much: please feel free to give hugs and snuggles and such. But if at some point I kind of go off and sit by myself it is NOT ABOUT YOU HAVING UPSET ME. Cause you rock. 🙂

Usually if one of the other Virgos posts I don’t…

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But this week:
Writing in The New York Times, Nicholas Kristof reported that the media has been as guilty of ignoring the ongoing genocide in Darfur as the Bush administration has been. In June, he said, the main TV news programs collectively ran 55 times more stories about the Michael Jackson trial than they did about East Africa’s crisis. CBS gave three minutes of coverage to Darfur in all of 2004, and NBC five minutes. As soon as you finish reading this horoscope, Virgo, I hope you will take aggressive action to avoid falling victim to equally misplaced priorities in your personal life. Don’t you dare let trivial spectacles divert you from healing the sorest spot in your world.

I feel like this actually means something to me. I ignore Rob most of the time, but I kind of feel like there is stuff I need to do to heal right now.

Last night I cornered Puppy and told him how very upset I am about his inability to compromise. He just doesn’t seem to be able to. He either entirely gives in to appease me or he gets his back up and won’t move. I told him I don’t want either end of this crap. I really really don’t want to deal with him vascilating between the two extremes. I don’t know how I can make this situation any better or any easier for either of us. I am trying to think of the issues that exist in our relationship. We are both very sensitive to being teased and yet we both spend a lot of time teasing. This isn’t a great situation. We are trying to figure out how to understand the teasing as non-hurtful. Every time I am in any kind of a bad mood he is convinced it is all his fault and that I am about to walk out and this escalates any irritability on my end because he gets somewhat dramatic. And I get into bad moods pretty easily: sleep deprivation, hunger, being too hot, not feeling well…. Any can cause me to be really pissy and grumpy. ARGH! I think we need to work on the expression, “Are you mad at me or near me.” Because as soon as someone says this to me (and I have a few friends trained) I realize what I am doing and mellow out conisderably almost instantly.

Compromises we have to work on:
I am moody. It is just kind of unavoidable. I have tried and tried and tried meds to deal with this and I haven’t been successful yet. I will probably try again when I have insurance again because I would like to be less psycho. I get unreasonably angry about simple things and I am very demanding and attention needy. I know these things aren’t easy for him.
He is forgetful and lazy. To the degree that both cause actual problems in my life. If he was only influencing himself it would be a different story. He is very unyielding about difficult issues and continues to push far past where it is ok with me to do so.

I really don’t think either side is any easier or harder than the other, just very different. *sigh* Everything in this relationship is kind of on turbo drive. I kind of feel like we skipped the honeymoon phase (or at least had a very short one) because we are both very conscious of wanting long-term stuff and we want to get started on that sooner than later. The next six months are going to be very telling. We are almost at six months. He commented that he has never had this much trouble learning to communicate with a partner before. I counter that he has never really learned to communicate with a partner before. He believed he knew what was necessary to keep his wife happy, but he also threw down about things and wouldn’t compromise and she left him because of it. I wonder what he has learned from this? He told me last night that there are going to be things that he won’t ever compromise about but he couldn’t come up with examples. That scares the hell out of me.

I {heart} Noah

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He says lots of things to me that make me think. He gives me possibilities and ideas about meeting in the middle on issues that I don’t think up on my own. Then I tell my Puppy. This leads to really good conversations. Really, really, really good conversations.

Then there is massively hot sex.

Noah. I love you.