I was supposed to stay at my Aunt and Uncle’s house tonight so that I don’t have to drive all the way to Santa Cruz in the morning for class. Apparently they aren’t going to be there and they didn’t tell me.

I am really not going to handle sitting in the car for 4 1/2 hours tomorrow in addition to being in class for 8 hours. I am really upset. I hate my family so much. Why do they have to do this to me? I asked them if I could sleep on the fucking couch. It isn’t as if I asked them for something significant. And so they decide that after saying yes that they will take off and go camping instead. Without even telling me.

When I was young my mom read a book about sun signs and it said that Virgoes are usually more susceptible to complaints/illnesses/etc of the stomach. This is interesting to me right now because one of the main ways I am manifesting the mono is all over body soreness and my stomach is hurting really bad. The pain is bad enough to make me feel like I should throw up even though I don’t have any other sensation of nauseau.

How do other Virgoes manifest stuff? Does your stomach get most of your ickiness?

So uhm… Puppy’s illness….

Mono. And I’m pretty sick already.

Shit.

Cause I do that. Puppy and I are flying out of Oakland on July 13th at 10:45pm.
We are arriving at SFO on July 22nd at 11:00pm.

I would appreciate anyone who would be willing to give rides. We could take BART to Oakland, but even getting to BART would be a hassle.

Pooooooor Puppy.

He’s sick. And really dragging.

And I am dancing around the kitchen shaking my ass and singing “carbohydrates” while dancing approximately the salsa.

He kind of looked at me and blinked.

I think that I deserve a little oddness. It has been multiple days since I have had sex.

I have more friends on various anti-depressents/anti-anxiety/etc drugs than I can possibly name. But I wouldn’t call any of them crazy. I have been diagnosed as bipolar (which I would actually like to talk to someone about cause I’m not 100% sure it is an accurate diagnosis) but I don’t really think I am crazy.

So I really don’t think that all people who take such meds are nuts. But there are people who take those meds who are insane.

Where is the line? How totally inappropriate does someone’s behavior have to be before you will consider them unsafe and insane?

Edit:
I am not looking for comments about me. 🙂 I’m pretty comfortable with me right now. I have recently had reason to wonder about a woman who is going to be impacting my life and I am NOT happy about it.

This weekend did not go how I had planned. But such is life. I didn’t make it to the wedding ceremony I meant to go to. I didn’t go to the SF FFF. But my apartment is now suitable for company… well… as long as we close the door to Puppy’s crap in the back room cause he hasn’t unpacked much at all. I swear that he is one of the slowest moving creatures ever born. It took him about three hours to hang pictures on the walls. I didn’t feel the need to tell him that it would have taken me about fifteen minutes. I have no idea why things take him so long. I really just don’t get it.

I am sooooo excited that my apartment is almost clean. Living in a mess makes me crazy. oooh! We also went and got my motorcycle! And it turns out that one of our neighbors is huge into motorcycles and fixing them up and racing and such. He volunteered to help me clean it up and fix all the stuff that needs fixing. YAY!!!!!!! {Side note of snarkiness: Yeah Ken, all Californians are self-absorbed rude twats. Uh huh.) So I have a lovely summer of motorcycle work ahead of me. I am thrilled.

Puppy is Mr. Cranky Pants. He is sick and stressed out by many things right now. I am managing to make him grin every so often and that is good. It’s interesting to adjusting to things between us. In some ways this relationship feels so very comfortable and right and I’m really happy with him. Then we run into a wall of “Oh… actually we haven’t known one another that long…” I found out something about his history on Saturday night that freaked me out. In a big way. He touched on one of my very biggest hot buttons. It resulted in me not really sleeping and being upset. I called Japlady in the morning for a sanity check and she helped me sort out my thoughts a lot. Thank you honey. This lead to a long, productive conversation with Puppy in which we cleared up several issues that have been building. I set up very clear boundaries for myself in regards to someone in his life and clarified the boundaries I have with his other friends. It was necessary.

I hope today isn’t as cranky as yesterday. I’m getting sick too. This does not bode well.

Got crappy news last night. Spent night fussing and not sleeping. Today Puppy and I are both fussy and at odds and ends and we can’t seem to find even keel.

I don’t think they have days like this in Australia. I’m going to go there.

You wake up and you just know that you are a punk princess.

So you get dressed.

In a black and white checkered body stocking. And a blue hand knitted mini-skirt with a nifty zig-zag hem and the skirt is held on entirely by safety pins. And a black t-shirt with a monkey and pink writing that says “I know you are but what am I?” And pink socks that say “Boys Stink” and tri-tone pink sneakers.

Oh. And my hair is extra fluffy and fun and I have lots of glitter on and eyeliner and silver eye shadow.

It is a good day to be a punk princess.

who is currently freaking out because I can’t find a memory box. The one that contains every birthday card I got before I was 19. The one that has invitations to weddings and my grandfather’s funeral and every letter from Brittney and Michael and…

I will be horribly upset if it is gone. I have no idea where it could be. I’m starting to verge on frantic.

I have the box that is stuff from the last 4 years. So I still have the contract that Tom signed and post cards and letters and stuff from Julia…

I hate being so attached to things.

I am a lazy git. It is getting very sad. If I manage to really move, I can probably finish pretty much everything today. If I manage to move. *sigh*

One of my parties on Saturday cancelled. Another one changed what time it starts. I am starting to feel more lazy about the round of party hopping that I had planned. *sigh* I really suck.

I will make Caylin’s birthday party though. NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

*smooches for the girly*

So we are going back east to see Puppy’s family. I’m terrified. My background of crappiness with Tom’s family and Stephen’s family mean that I am petrified of meeting yet more people who hate me and will make my life a living hell.

Yeah, and there is constantly a problem with Puppy having to balance his time between his parents. I’m nervous about dealing with the balancing act between them. I’ve never been great about divided loyalty crap, when people tell me to choose I choose neither. But there is already some friction between his parents about who we are spending which day with and I feel somewhat bewildered by the hostility. We are going to spend a freakin week camping with his father and his dad is being snippy because we are coming in a day early so we can spend two days with Puppy’s mom?! I don’t get it. Puppy spent most of his time growing up with his mom and yet basically all of his stories are about his father’s family. I asked him about that–he said that his father’s family is the one that traumatized him and what can you really say about happy day to day life? He was trying to be funny…. but there is an undercurrent there that worries me.

He told me that there is a 90% likelihood that his aunt or his grandfather will make a nasty crack about my weight. Since forewarned is forearmed I am already thinking about exactly what kind of response I want to give. I told him that I will not be nice and he said that is fine. It makes me really nervous to know it is coming though. *sigh*

Speaking of families… my mom has sworn up and down that next week she will be giving me back the money she owes me (her inheritence check should be arriving). I’m not sure how much I believe her, but we’ll see… It would be nice. I would be able to pay the deposit for the kitty and pay for the plane ticket for the trip east. Yay. I am not quite as nervous about money as I once was. It’s a good feeling.

I have some people that I am grateful to.
Flint, Kevin, Marcie, Donna. I’m sort of grateful to that twat Mark (Puppy’s idiotic, incompetent friend).

Those people came through in the most amazing ways possible. I am so grateful for my friends.

I hurt. My foot hurts, I don’t know why. My back hurts. I’m not sleeping enough.

I seem to have lost the power adaptor for my router (I am such a moron) so internet is not up at my house yet. Puppy is going to try and set it up tonight. For now, more gratefulness to princeofwands. I {heart} him. See, I needed to stay near him. Cause it makes my life better. 🙂 I am going to finish unpacking today and tomorrow is officially my Slack Day. I intend to sit on my ass and watch movies and maybe read and eat something very tasty and high in fat to replace all the not-eating I’ve been doing as I obsess myself into unpacking and not eating.

Oh, quotable from Puppy? “Having an obsessive compulsive service submissive really pays off.” He’s a shit. And lazy. And I’m about to go crazy cause he isn’t doing stuff at the rate I would like. But that is something we will have to adjust to.

Overall, he is making me really happy. If I ask him to move stuff for me he does (cause my back is hating me–oh, is tingling around my shoulder blades bad?) and he is letting me be a psycho bitch as I obsess over getting stuff done. He is also calling me mid day and telling me to eat. And he snuggles me at night and tells me I have to go to sleep and he strokes my hair and tells me how much he appreciates all the work I have done and he is very proud of me. I really like this boy.

U-haul has made my life suck today.

There is no truck available for tomorrow. The local office called us to tell us. They told us we have to call the regional office and see if any office anywhere can let us have a truck. We have been calling and calling and calling regional for oh… 3 hours. I was on hold for 45 minutes. Puppy was on hold for 45 minutes. I have two pretty hostile complaints in with their customer service department (which can’t do a fucking thing) and when Puppy finally did get a person his cell phone dropped.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I want to shoot someone. And that isn’t like me. So uhm, I am asking a friend if he is willing to come by and take a load south tonight, I’m probably going to do two more trips tonight in my car. We might only need one car load and one pickup load from Oakland tomorrow. And at my house the only thing I really need a truck for is my mattress and boxsprings.

I want to kill. I’ll see who I can call up to try and move stuff tonight. *sigh*

Edit: Uhaul was reached. Reservation is cancelled. Fuckers. Please people, if you love me: never call these bastards again.

I hate eating crow. Really. I do. It doesn’t taste good–it’s tough and stringy and I’m usually pretty hostile about it. So now… yeah. I get to face eating some crow and I’m not happy about it.

What in the hell am I babbling about? Well… Puppy wants to go to Folsom Fringe. He went last year and thought it was just awesome. Of course he wants me to go with him. The event is sponsered by http://www.smodyssey.com and I have not only avoided their events for years I have been pretty loud and vocal about avoiding their events and swearing up and down that I will never support Odyssey. *sigh* Some day I will learn to not use the word “never.” So uhm, now I feel like I am crawling back to Odyssey with my tail between my legs. I fully expect many people to give me shit for being there. I have been too much of a bitch for too many years for my presense to be overlooked. Although I could cop out and state that my reason for avoiding Odyssey is gone (which is largely true–Morgan isn’t involved anymore) and lots of people would understand boycotting that bitch. (She actually did extremely unpleasant things to me personally several times. It is a personal conflict not just disliking her in general.) Yeah. But this is going to be difficult.

But the funny thing is: I am actually looking forward to the conference. I only went to Thunder last year and I am not going to be at any other con’s this year and I am really missing the people I see at the big events. I actually did start making friends in the circuit of people who do the con’s and they are awesome people that I am unlikely to really see anywhere else given their geographic distribution. For at least a few more years I am unlikely to be able to afford many con’s so I guess that means sucking it up and doing the one that exists right in my area. *breathe*

In anticipation of this con I contacted one of the women I had a really nice interaction with at Thunder last year and asked if she would be coming with her Owner to Folsom (he’s presenting) and she is! Yay! She is very cool and we have now exchanged several emails and I am looking forward to the conference even more. Granted I am a wee bit nervous because I was silly enough to mention one of my big fears in an email (there was a reason to bring it up) and she said that she would really like to share that information with her Master. I about choked. He’s a very scary man. He is one of the few people that I would look around the scene and say, “He scares me,” while also knowing that I would love to play with him. Most of the people who scare me do so because they are unstable and I wouldn’t play with them. This man is completely in control and just that mean and that’s kinda hot. (He’s also really nice and very grounded. I don’t want to paint any sort of negative picture of him.)

So yeah. I’m looking forward to it and dreading it. Such is life I suppose. I get to see all sorts of cool people though!

Oh. Yeah. Something I forgot to mention. Part of why this is on my mind is the discussion group I went to. Puppy knows some of the people who were in attendance and when I told them that I am dating Phil they said, “Of Phil and Charis?” ouch. I’ve never before had a partner identified as part of a unit with someone else. That was kind of hard to swallow but I stayed nice about it. It is interesting how some people become known as part of a unit and some people are known as individuals. Tom and I were together for four years and I don’t think people really thought of us as a unit. We were both very firmly individuals who were known for ourselves. Puppy is pretty quiet and doesn’t seem to strike people as strongly. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. Yeah. I’m feeling kind of intimidated about meeting her though. I’m trying to figure out why. They only dated for like three months, it wasn’t that serious of a relationship and he is the one who ended it. But I am petrified. I really do like to make things difficult for myself. She should be back in the country soon. oy.

The class I liked with the teacher who loved me: A
The class I hated with the teacher who hated me: B (He gave me a B for a 93%. I think his scale is fucked up but whatever.)
The grad class that I did a pretty bad job in because I just had trouble being engaged: B+

Overall total grad school GPA so far: 3.454

One credential class left to take and I’m taking it with my favorite teacher.
Student teaching. (I don’t even think I get a grade I think this is pass/fail.)
Three masters classes.
Two sections of working on my thesis.

Think I’ll be able to bring it up to a 3.5 if I actually buckle down and do more work next year? (Yeah–most of my grad career has been very lackadaisical [I am so proud that I got the spelling of that right on the first try!] and I’ve been scattered and unfocused for the last two semesters.)

Certainly not as good as I could do, but really I don’t think I should be ashamed of my performance to date. Although let me tell you, my inner perfectionist sees a 3.4 as being almost as bad as a 2.0. It’s pretty sick.

I’ve never gotten tagged for a meme before! It’s kind of sick… but I feel special. {insert hearts here} Thank you malixe.

Eight songs I like. I can do that. I’m sure I will get mocked for it though because I have some really freakin odd taste in music. Oh… for the record the meme is: “List eight of your favorite songs and then ‘tag’ a similar number of people to do the same. Note that it does not have to be your eight *top* favorite songs, because I know some people who would give themselves a nervous breakdown trying to narrow it down to only eight. And I could be one of them…so just eight of your favorites.”

“American Pie” by Don McLean. I really like this song. I stole an album that had this song on it from Stephen during our relationship and I wouldn’t let him have it back when I moved out. (Hey–he got other things.) Yeah, this was picked first because Puppy and I have been trying to get the lyrics right in our head for a few days. Getting all those freakin verses in the right order is a bitch. (Have I mentioned that I am really happy that he will sing along when I start singing at night in bed? Dude. He rocks my world.)

“We All Sleep Alone” by Cher. I like this song. Given my absolute terror of sleeping alone it is actually fairly comforting for me. The first few nights I slept alone after moving out (it felt more scary sleeping alone in the new apartment than it had in Tom’s house) I would put this cd into my player and tell the player to play it like five times in a row. Then I could fall asleep. I like both the original version and the more modern version.

“Holes in the floor of heaven” by Steve Wariner. This song came out right around when my brother died. I have never bought the album because I know that when I am depressed I would put this song on and not leave my room for days. I have pulled off the road when I am driving when this song comes on because I cry so hard that I can’t see anymore. I think this song will always remind me of my brother and despite the fact that it is a beautiful, moving song I just can’t hear it much.

“Happy Girl” by Martina McBride. I really love this song. It is cute and bouncy and fun and I always feel cheered up. 🙂
“Oh watch me go / I’m a happy girl / Everybody knows / That the sweetest thing you’ll ever see / In the whole wide world / Is a happy girl”

“Tomorrow” by Avril Lavigne. I went through my obsessive Avril phase when things with Tom were kind of rocky, but not anywhere near the end. I remember that right after a driving trip with Max and Deborah we were back at our house… I don’t remember what was going on exactly. But I was in our bedroom folding laundry and Tom came in and promised something about the next day and this song came on. And I started singing along quietly with tears running down my face but I never looked up. Tom didn’t notice. He made his promise about the next day and left the room. Yeah, it didn’t happen. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget that moment. I really love the song. It is about more than just Tom though, it reminds me of my mother.

“Even Hampsters Fall in Love” by Hampton and the Hampsters. I fucking love the song and this list is too depressing, so here it is.

“Affirmation” by Savage Garden. I love it. “Trust is more important than monogamy” and “I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem” how could anyone not love this song? Seriously.

“Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts. Yeah. I bought this album (I hardly ever buy cd’s) right as I started dating Puppy so it was living in my car on repeat during the first few weeks we were dating. This song was on when I stopped the car and we sat there singing along for another minute or so. He informed me that it was our song. 🙂 *sniffle*

Jesus Christ it is hard to stop there!!! 🙂 Songs good. Should I tag or just say “Do it if you want to.” Naw. I liked being tagged.

boxofchaos, boymeat, brehen, ditenebre, japlady, polly_perverse, porgypie, tigman

If you please… 🙂 (Obviously none of you have to, but I am interested in what you would put down.)

Some people know about this, some people don’t. If you don’t… yeah… ignore it.

I don’t like screened responses. So in response to an asshole slamming someone that I care about I wrote:
“”In tainted inkwells” is that how you now think of your partner? Is she a tainted inkwell? Or is she a person who has had something bad happen to her because life is just like that.

It is HPV not fucking HIV. Japlady’s statistics are correct. If you are going to be so incensed over this infection then you should be mad at most of the fucking world. How do you know that you weren’t the vector of infection? You very well could be and YOU WILL NEVER KNOW because the medical community considers HPV such a non-threat that there is no test in men.

Go ahead and be angry–but if you are going to slam insults give a bit more details. Like the fact that I sincerely doubt he said “I was once exposed” seeing as I have been on the receiving end of his disclosure. Apparently there was not clear communication going on but don’t act like he is a fucking monster. How many people has he passed this infection on to? Oh how about women who WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT ANYWAY. Statistically speaking, those of us who fuck multiple people are going to have it. Period. There is no avoiding it. There is also lots of treatment and in about a year it won’t matter to the rest of her life that she has it.

What lifetime of inconvenience, annoyance, and pain? Disclosure is the only annoyance. I get the same number of check ups I would anyway. There were six months of serious suck as I dealt with it, but that is the risk that is taken in having multiple partners in a lifetime. It is not lifelong pain.

I am not saying it doesn’t suck. It does. I’m very sorry she has it and that it is a malignant strain. But quite frankly, that is how the cookie crumbles. I got it from a long-term monogamous partner who lied to me. Does that make me a bad person? Or a “tainted inkwell” or does it make me a person who had something bad happen to me.

Get off your high horse.”

7 Deadly Sins Protected

SAVE THE DATE

July 30th. There is nothing on that date. It is MINE!!!!! (insert maniacal laughter here)

Uhm. Housewarming notice. Yeah. 🙂

details to come…

(I like how the icon picture is from my last housewarming. heh)