“Just because a woman comes easily does not mean she does not deserve just as much time and effort as a woman who doesn’t orgasm easily.” –
Rebecca.
Sometimes this woman is so right it hurts. Please people. Pay attention to this one!
I realize that asking if anyone wants to come is necessarily only aimed at the people on my friends list who are under 35. Yes, I know that some of you feel discriminated against. You have already whined at me about it.
Moving along.
So, I have had conversations with two people in the last two days so I’m not the only one.
Have other people been thinking about family since Memorial Day?
*humming American Pie*
Well, I’m not sure what is going to happen this summer anymore. I’ve had so many plans come and go. I’m not going to Burning Man and I’m pretty happy about that decision. The trip back to DC to see Puppy’s family is bouncing around and I hate that. It looks like me stopping off for a week with Julia isn’t going to happen and I am very sad about that. Getting to see her last month was a brief taunt to remind me of how very much I miss her and love her. I’m still not sure exactly when we are going or when we are coming back. Oy.
I’m thinking a lot about family. Puppy and I were talking about family and I said that my family consists of the people I will call when I want to cut. The people that if I was truly in need I would suck it up and ask them for help. There is a very small group of people that I would allow to help me–I simply have too much pride to allow someone casual in like that. The people who are invited to my house for Christmas. The people who can call me at any time of night or day and I will do whatever needs to be done to help them. It is this complicated mess of interwoven willingness to allow support that makes family. I would help my blood relatives if they needed something–but I will not allow them to help me. I wouldn’t even dream of letting them know that I need help, let alone allow them to supply it. It is amazing that they aren’t really my family in the sense that I mean when I talk about family. Puppy would call his blood relatives and has very few truly close friends. It baffles me.
In the past few days it has come up with in conversation with multiple people that they are all astounded by just how many people I know. Yes, most of them are acquaintances–but I know things about the people I know. I store up details in my head about them. Even when they have not crossed the line into the murky waters of friendship, I still care about them. I think the thing that worked best for me about poly was the greater recognition of my love for the people in my life. I don’t know if the love I feel for my friends is any different than the love most people feel, but I know that I have been much more devoted and fierce in my love and connection to my friends than anyone I have ever been involved with. (For shorthand: the people I have been “involved” with are Stephen, Tom, and somehow Noah–they are the ones who have had the most long-term impact on me.) When I saw Julia I was absolutely floored by the depth that my feelings for her still have. And though I was very happy that we got to play and share that connection, it didn’t need to go all the way to sex.
It seems that once I let someone in to that depth that I don’t get over them. It is both a blessing and a curse. I am more hesitant than some to apply the word “family” to people who are close to me. Because I really and truly am saying that I am choosing them for life. If Tom called me and needed pretty much anything from me, I would do it. He is family–even though our relationship has changed so much. I treasure my family. In the past year I have made some connections that are very intense and amazing. I am so grateful for the love I have been gifted with. I think… maybe my family is growing.
Herpes Epidemic Rise
“Oral herpes, an infection caused by the herpes simplex virus, is estimated to be present in 50 to 80 percent of the American adult population. 20 percent, over 50 million people, are infected with genital herpes, also caused by the herpes simplex virus, and the majority of these cases may be unaware they even have it. Studies show that more than 500,000 Americans are diagnosed with genital herpes each year, and the largest increase is occurring in young teens.
There is no cure for herpes to date. Efforts to develop a herpes vaccine by biotechnology companies are ongoing. Until an effective herpes vaccine or cure for HSV infection is found, the prevailing approach to treatment continues to be suppressive antiviral therapy. ” — http://herpes.com/
Have you asked your doctor for a herpes test lately? You should. Just so that you know what you are dealing with. No one is a bad person for having it, stuff happens. Once upon a time a really wonderful woman told me that she had herpes and I reacted very negatively. I pretty much shunned further sexual contact with her because I was ignorant and judgmental and really I was just a bitch. I should not have been. It was totally inappropriate. I would like to believe I have grown up a bit in the last few years. HSV in either form is not the end of the world. It isn’t fun, but it can be handled. I really wish that everyone would get tested so that there would be less stigma attached to it because the statistics indicate that more people have it than are aware of it. If you know that you have it, find out as much about it as you can (www.cdc.gov is only marginally helpful on this one.) There is actually a pretty good paper that is linked to from: http://sanfrancisco.tribe.net/thread/9f4c52a8-d6a8-4a14-9e26-4a9964117426?tribeid=3acd1a3d-6988-4bbb-aefa-c6d8ab098454&r=10535 and I recommend reading it. I liked the paper.
You aren’t dirty or bad if you get it. You are just a person. It’s just a virus. It is no reflection on who you are as a person.
Play safe.
I’m moving on the 11th, this coming Saturday. We are getting a uhaul truck and loading it at Puppy’s place in Oakland and then going to my place in Castro Valley and then unloading in Hayward.
Anyone want to/willing to help? Ping me for addresses and such. 🙂 We will be getting started early in the day (I call on Friday to find out when I can pick up the truck) and I don’t think it will take long. I’m willing to bet that with a few dedicated people we will have the whole process done in four or five hours. 🙂
Puppy just left to go shooting with Ken and two friends from work. Having all of them in this house was… yeah. Overwhelming. *shiver* Ok, I need to stop doing chain maille and go find something really feminine to do for a little while…
I like that I can get even the most reticent of students to participate in class and feel good about having done so.
I like that people know within just a few minutes that my praise is never hollow flattery–I mean exactly what I say and say what I mean. If I tell you that something is good, it is.
I like that when I bake people exclaim constantly over how good it is… whatever it happens to be.
I like that I have managed to maintain friendships with people who are far away, who have moved, who have had every reason to stop talking to me–but I won’t let them leave my life. Because people matter.
I like that I pick up on dance stuff rather quickly. I like that I can follow. I like that I can lead. (Ok, so I’m not that great at leading yet–give me time!)
I like that I can read quickly and remember almost everything.
I like that I no longer allow my family to abuse me. It was difficult to stand up to them, but I feel like I have saved me.
I like that I can talk about having been assaulted. It has been an incredibly scary thing but talking about it has not only helped me heal, but my openness has helped quite a few other people feel like they can tell me their story and that helps them heal.
I like that I can faciliate people having cathartic experiences through bdsm. I feel that it is a different skill set than just beating the hell out of someone and I am specifically good at helping people work through difficult emotions.
I like that people trust me with their secrets. I feel like I am trustworthy.
I am proud of myself for prosecuting my father despite all the difficulty it caused and the fact that it lead to both his death and my brothers. Neither death was my fault, but all those events were related. I am still glad I did it. I needed to.
I like that someone can tell me that when they look at me they see a scared little girl and I am not insulted. Because I know that little girl. She is my friend. She is not as scared as she used to be and she is becoming more friendly all the time. I am glad that I am not ashamed of her.
Liking me can’t be just about my looks.
=======================
Now, you. Yes… you. The one reading this. What do you like about you? You know that this got you thinking, so share.
It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. My favoritest Xtyn came with me and pursuaded me that a grandma bathing suit was not a good selection. (You think I’m kidding, don’t you. No really, that is what I will buy if left to myself.) I have a very cute two piece. The bottom has fairly decent coverage of my ass and cuts in a not disgusting way on my belly. The top says, “Hello–these are my breasts.” And it is long enough to cover enough flesh that I don’t feel horrible in it. Well, I felt a whole lot better in it when I was in the dressing room and showing it just to Xtyn.
I came home and Puppy asked to see it. I made him beg a little, just cause that’s fun. When I put it on he said it was cute and he was appreciative of the breasts. I told him it was funny because as I was trying on suits Xtyn asked me what part of me does he like, so we can go for emphasizing what part of me he likes the best. He likes my breasts (mostly that they are now large) and… I can’t really speak to anything else about my body that he likes. He thinks I have a pretty face. Isn’t “You have such a pretty face” kind of the death knoll for someone being attracted to a fat girl? We are pretty up front about the fact that I am heavier than he is particularly into, but he is really into me as a person so it doesn’t seem to count for that much. This lead to a conversation in which he said, “Well, you have nice calves… and your shoulders are nice…” and he kind of stammered looking for something else to say. I covered his mouth and told him that he wasn’t making me feel any better. I went and put on a baggy shirt and somewhat baggy pants and proceeded to feel like shit. He tried to tell me that he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, but yeah. Whatever.
I miss feeling sexy. I miss feeling like my body is something that someone is really into. I miss having people tell me how much they love my legs, or that they think the swell of my belly is sexy and very womanly. I feel fat again in a way I haven’t in a long time. I came home from the store hungry and because I feel fat and unattractive and so very undesireable, I haven’t eaten. I wonder if I will eat today.
It is funny that I am reading a book on the self-esteem of girls and how our society should work towards helping them to value themselves. What a timely read. How can I help increase the likelihood that anyone else will feel good about themself when I feel about as awful as I can possible feel?
I have to go shopping for a *cringe* bathing suit. I currently technically own two, but they are both two sizes too big and that is… problematic.
I am NOT looking forward to this. Puppy wants me to go to some pool party that his group lead is throwing and it kind of necessitates a bathing suit. I haven’t gone in any sort of water where I needed a suit in a while… heh.
Is anyone interested/willing to go with me? I could go today, Sunday in the morning or in the late afternoon/evening (I have something in the middle of the day that will take up probably 3-4 hours), or pretty much anytime next week. I know it is an evil thing to do, but flashing his coworkers would be worse…
Recently a friend told me that what he liked about me was that he is confident if he ever crossed one of my boundaries or did something inappropriate that I would tell him… wouldn’t I?
In all honesty I had to tell him probably not. It would depend on what boundary he crossed and how I was feeling at that particular time–I would almost certainly just keep my mouth shut and take it. For me it largely depends on how close I am to the person. The more I love them and think highly of them, the less likely I am to tell them that they have hurt me. This causes issues. I have no trouble telling a stranger or someone I am not close to that their behavior isn’t ok–I take it considerably too far on a regular basis even, I wonder if I push so hard with them because I don’t stop a lot of things that I would like to and the wanting builds up.
Sometimes I later think about/write about my own frustration with myself for not stopping something and the person in question takes my navel gazing as a rebuke towards them. It isn’t. No one should “just know” where my comfort levels are, it is my job to enforce my boundaries and I don’t. And it is harder and harder the more I love the person.
I don’t really know how to feel more safe about telling people to stop. I have been enforcing Puppy’s boundaries for my behavior and that isn’t hard for me to do–because there is someone else who is “important” and I need to not do something bad because of his feelings. My feelings just seem to rank at the very bottom. I really wish I could work on this more, but I don’t know how. Either I completely shut someone down and I am a bitch and I probably hurt their feelings, or I just put up with almost anything. 🙁
Yeah, my boundaries still suck.
Yeah, the one that I was totally sick and I didn’t turn in the final project for? Well, I finally really did the unit plan I needed to do (on The Hobbit) and the teacher said it was a truly amazing unit plan and he is very impressed. I get an A- for the class. *bounce*
I am really freakin proud of the unit plan. I worked very hard on it and put together a lot of resources and activities that are not usual. Lizzie–I should probably send you the final copy. It is much more interesting now. 🙂
Yayyyyyyy
I am so glad that he liked it. He was very discouraging about me doing a plan on The Hobbit. He wanted me to stick with lame-way-over-done Romeo and Juliet. I’m glad I didn’t!
It was pointed out to me that I should skip tonight’s social engagement due to my apparent illness. 🙁 Bummer.
But yeah. I should. Maybe I’ll watch a movie.
I am now holding the keys to a brand spankin-new-to-me apartment.
Frightning.
So I effectively have a new phone number and address. I will be sending out a mass email type thing giving people this information. If you do not receive this email you can send me an email at boot_slut AT livejournal DOT com and I will add you to the dis list. 🙂
Carry on.
I have a stupid quiz thing.
http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050531204017-475930
It’s pop-up central, but I don’t think there are any bugs on the site.
And cause my niece is the one who wanted it… it’s very vanilla. 🙂
I just sat down and went through my journal over the last year or so. Almost every single time I have my period (I keep track of it) I write something horribly depressive/suicidal/upset either the day before, the first day, or the second day. I wonder if I should start keeping those writings private, just because I know that it is strongly correlated to my cycle. I don’t find many other super depressed posts and the upset ones are generally tied to something pretty significant.
I agree with karenbynight all things done while on my period should be announced with a loud booming voice that I did it “WHILE MENSTRUATING!” Cause Jesus Christ. It seems like getting out of bed and not killing myself are accomplishments on about three days of the month. *sigh*
hurting. why? I have friends. I have family. I have love and support.
casual insults. if you are an emotional masochist and that is why you know me, why in the hell should we continue this relationship? it isn’t good for you or me.
why doesn’t “you are wonderful and I love you” sink in when any level of “you suck” is around?
up. down. happy. crash.
I’m going to go cry some more. it will be hard to do so without my scalpel.
You have got to be the most whiny, self-absorbed, pretentious idiot
I’ve come across at SJSU. Please, for the love of god, don’t be come
a teacher. You suck.
–tim