Wow. Ok, so I was telling Noah that there just weren’t any problems with Puppy that I knew about. Well, now I’m starting to learn about some problems and the vast majority of them can be summed up as, “Wow is he young.” I really have no experience dealing with someone who is as young maturity-wise as Puppy is, I think that is making things harder.

What was last nights bump you ask? Well. It was related to my gun squick. Most people don’t know much about my gun squick, owing mostly to the fact that I am a semi-rabid libertarian and I am very firmly pro-gun rights. I believe that people have the right to bear arms. It is in the Constitution. End of story. Now, we get on to my personal feelings… guns freak me the fuck out and I hate hate hate hate hate them. I can handle brief theoretical conversations about them, but I can’t do graphic or in depth conversations about shooting. I just can’t handle it. I will freak out. My father held a gun to my head when I was a child and asked me if I really deserved to live. He was a psycho gun collector in general so I just don’t have positive associations with guns. I think I tolerate the fact that there are fourteen guns in this little apartment pretty well. I haven’t had a total panic attack–I just don’t think about it. la la la I don’t see anything.

So anyway, last night Ken was over (Puppy has this friend. I’m having problems with the guy because he is racist, homophobic, and sexist… not to mention that he rants fucking constantly about how all people who were born/raised/choose to live in California are stupid, rude, assholes who should all be shot to make the world a better place. Great guy, huh? I don’t know what Puppy sees in him.) and the first while was fine. They were watching the dvd of a tv show that I think is stupid “Sledge Hammer”–anyone heard of this piece of shit? I ignored the idiocy and tried to be vaguely social and polite, well at least until they switched to talking about the machine gun shoot that they are going to. There is some event in Nevada that they are going to attend where you get to shoot a bunch of really serious assault weapons and I don’t know what all psycho crap. Ok, those two sentences are about all that I want to know about this event. Guess how long they talked about it. Guess how long they both actively were trying to provide me with excruciating detail of what you can do to someone with most of these weapons. 🙁 At one poing I looked at Puppy and told him to stop the stream of horrible shit coming out of his mouth and he didn’t understand. I told him that no really, I’m done just stop. I called him by his name and asked him to stop. One of our agreements is that I won’t use his name in front of people–he didn’t catch on though. I got up and went in his bedroom and shut the door. I picked up a cd so that I could play it in my computer so that I wouldn’t hear their conversation. I should have just walked out of the apartment and gone home.

After Ken left Puppy and I had a long serious talk. He had not understood what I meant when I previously said that I have gun squicks. He apologized over and over again. He asked me to commit to taking him aside in the future when he is doing such complete asshole things and let him know that he is doing them. He doesn’t seem to want to be an asshole, it just kind of happens sometimes because he is an oblivious boy. I don’t know that I can commit to telling him to stop when he is being a dick. My response is entirely to walk away and take responsibility for my feelings that way. I don’t want to tell him how to behave. But it seems like it is more fair for me to talk to him when I am upset about stuff–that is just so freakin hard for me. 🙁

He won’t let me stew when I am upset. He asks me questions until I talk to him. I have managed to train him basically entirely out of “you” statements–which I consider really amazing. He talks about his feelings and why he is behaving the way he is without blaming me for anything. If he fucks up in any way he is very ok with accepting responsibility for that and he tries to rectify the situation. I’m really impressed by that.

He is still young, and he fucks up quite a bit… but I don’t think he will do the same thing twice. That counts for a lot, right?

As I ponder all alone
Sitting here in my home
What this morning should I eat?
Cereal? Or should I have meat?
I ponder all the options I can
Until I think of green eggs and ham.

(I made this up as I did dishes)

Sometimes I just like my breakfast to be… more colorful than usual…

Puppy is leaving for 10 days in Nepal in 12 days. In those days I have:
2 dinner dates planned
2 actual dates planned with the two women who still have all the priveleges they want to have (some people apparently are going to be grandfathered in)
A party that is going to kill most of a weekend.
A visit to see my mother.
A groino appt to redo my pap (the lab lost it somehow?)
A presentation on this huge Victorian poetry collection thing.
A unit plan to polish up (I am basically turning in the same one I have turned in twice this semester. No one in the ed department cares.)
An interview and write up to do.
A 12-15 page paper to write.
And I need to decide if I am going down to another party in SC.

Dude. I haven’t been busy in a while. This all exploded right now.

Ahhhh I love pressure. I perform better.

It’s been an eventful 24 hours. I have driven to Davis and returned to Oakland. From Oakland I drove to Campbell at around midnight. I went from Campbell to Mountain View and then on to South San Jose this morning. I have been back in Oakland for less than an hour. I really needed to shower and brush my teeth.

I went to a BM camp meeting and that was good stuff. I had a conversation that had been scaring the crap out of me and it was received very positively showing me once again that I have picked some stellar people to know. I came back to Puppy’s after the meeting and he and I talked again. We processed a bunch of stuff about how we were each not being good about staying in the realm of “my shit” and that lead to neither of us getting what we needed. We reached a compromise that I am happy with and then we did some really really really hot play. This isn’t the dirty filter so that’s all I will say about that. After that I did homework while he made me dinner and ice cream with home made caramal. Have I mentioned that he likes to spoil me? When I finished my homework I set off for San Jose.

To back track slightly, early yesterday afternoon I got a call out of the blue from my friend Marcus. We did theatre together at West Valley for years and I am extremely fond of him. He said that it was his birthday and he had decided at the last minute to have a party–would I be able to come? I knew I would be showing up late, but I wanted to go. I haven’t seen him in over a year and wow is his hair long now. He seems to be doing pretty well and he is very happy. Most of the party was trying to talk me or him into the idea that we should sleep together. I told a few of the well meaning friends (his, I didn’t know anyone) that he had had a window of opportunity about 6 years ago and he wasn’t interested. The window is now closed. 🙂 But we actually ended up cuddling in his bed last night–fully dressed of course. It was cool. I have missed him a lot. I woke him up way early with me and we had a really awesome conversation. I remember why I always liked him so much and why I maintain contact with old friends. I am truly blessed in my friendships.

Then this morning I headed up to Tom’s house to pick up my cat. Tom was wearing a t-shirt of mine. oops. I guess it somehow got mixed in with his stuff when I left. He took the shirt off and handed it to me and the cat stuff was loaded up and off I drove. I was there for about 3 minutes. It didn’t hurt as much as it did the last time I was there. Poor Puff cried loudly the entire way to my mom’s.

And then I got to my mom’s and unloaded Puff and her stuff and mom and I sat down to talk. Uhm. I had a really difficult conversation with her. I told her about the stories I have written. I told her that my sister had asked to see stuff and that my sister had told me not to tell her (mom). I said that until Sissy said that I probably wouldn’t have shown mom but being told that I shouldn’t because she would feel too guilty just made me crazy.

I told my mom everything. I sat there and I told her about all of the rapes. She knows pretty much everything about all the molestations apparently because of when I prosecuted. We talked about the things that were going on around all of these events. My mother apologized to me and broke down crying telling me that she knows that she failed to protect me and she feels really bad about it. My mother explained how and why she behaved the way she did. She said that my sister knew I was molested the first time I remember it happening–she could tell by my father’s behavior. My sister didn’t say anything to me at all or to my mom for years. My mom told me how much she has missed me in the past few years and how she has wanted so much to close the gap between us but she hasn’t known how. She doesn’t know how to talk to me without me flying off the handle. Which is something that will probably be on my mind and the subject of many posts to come. I have an unreasonable temper and I need to start controlling it better.

I am absolutely exhausted. I have gotten just over 8 hours of sleep in the past two nights. Puppy and I had a major up and down. Talking to my mom was sooooo hard. Puppy just walked in. I need snuggles.

tenacious_snail–I’m sorry I missed hiking. Today just kind of went in a direction I didn’t expect.

I have lots of mood swings. Everyone will agree on this one, right?

Yeah. Anyway

So. I think that part of the reason I have so many mood swings is because I am continually striving to be happy. There are frequently reasons to be irritated or sad or upset, and I work really hard at not staying in those emotions. So it seems like I go in and out of them often. Other people often/usually carry these feelings for much longer periods than I do.

So really–my mood swings are more a symptom of me trying to be happy than of negative stuff. Given that I am going to try and have this perspective on it, I guess my next goal is to try and not let the icki things whack me quite so hard. You can never get rid of bad things or feelings, but I do try to not wallow in them. 🙂

In trying to explain something to Puppy about my processing of pain I figured something out.

It isn’t that I can’t handle pain. I can take some serious pain. It is that my skin is extremely sensitive and I get overwhelmed by sensation very easily–even sensation that isn’t very painful. I HATE taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap with a cane. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Even if the sensation is pretty subtle. I will do anything to get away from that feeling.

I need to have a few seconds between impacts, but if you build slowly I will take far harder strokes than you thought I would be able to. Just let me breathe.

The “freak out” that most people don’t know what to do with is just me being overwhelmed. It’s not that I’m in pain. So let me breathe, and then hit me again.

I want to get it out. But I don’t think I can find the words to flesh it out. Bare bones:

Yes, we brought the liquid nitrogen. Yes, it was a very spectacular scene to watch. It was on ok scene to be part of. It was a really shitty scene by the end as he got caught up in the ‘audience’ and forgot I existed. And then, cause I was upset he spent the rest of the night beating himself up and being upset. So I’m trying to talk him out of a temper tantrum when I feel shitty anyway.

There were several shitty hours in the middle. Then we tried to play again to see if we could end the night on a better note. It went pretty well. But he can’t push me. He reads all of my ‘in pain’ signals as distress and stops. And he is still upset and beating himself up.

Now, I can’t really sleep to make up for the very little sleep last night and I feel shitty. I think this qualifies as a bump. 🙁

Advice for 15 year old girls.

http://thestranger.com/current/savage.html

http://www.thestranger.com/specials/savage/15.html

He has extra stuff too.

I will be at this party tonight. If you have been thinking about going to a kink event, but you are nervous for whatever reason…. this is a great night to go. The party should be awesome!!! Not to mention that you will get to see the spectacular sight of me having liquid nitrogen poured on me while I am suspended. (Dude. You seriously have to see this.) This is my journal. I get to pretend that the party is about me here…

If you live near the bay… I’m sorry I didn’t announce sooner… but yeah. Come anyway. 🙂 *smooches*
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SF Citadel presents:
San Francisco: The Next Generation’s

Return to Eden
a Whippersnappers play party hosted by PurrVerse

Friday, April 29th
9 pm til 2 am
$20 admission

Spring has sprung… the weather is warmer, flowers and trees shower us with color… and thoughts turn to… another play party at the Citadel, of course! Please join us for the second TNG party, Return to Eden, a celebration of spring, shamelessness and kinky play. The SF TNG is a youth run and organized group for kinky people between 18 and 35. Dryads, fauns, goddesses and gods, come welcome in the spring with Adam, Eve, the Serpent, and the apple of your eye at the SF Citadel!
Youth energy and creative attire for this event are encouraged but not required.

245 8th street
between Folsom and Howard
(the white building with the big red heart on 😉

visit- www.sfcitadel.org/

I am quite sad. I took my piercings out. They are infected. I have been cleaning and doing what I was supposed to for 9 weeks. I’m done. I’m sick of them hurting all the time and being gross.

I really don’t seem to be meant to have metal.

I have been posting stuff about my relationship to my highest level sex filter. I decided that may not be the best option.

I am going to have a filter that is my schmoopy-love-sex-bdsm relationship building stuff with Puppy. This is your chance to opt in. Speak now, or miss all the juicy stuff. (Hey lurkers, this means you.) I will screen the comments so that those of you who are shy don’t have to feel bad about saying that you want in. And no one should feel bad about not wanting in. 🙂

These entries will probably be noted by the new icon. 🙂

Excitement! I feel excitement!

First off: I had one of the most thrilling nights I can imagine. I was in the middle for a while, then on the end of a fabulous pile of amazing people who did lots of fun stuff. I am polite enough to not detail what though. Suffice to say that I came home horny.

Ate, talked with my Puppy a bit in a somewhat idle fashion. Eventually he had me sit down across from him and he said that there was something he wants to give me. But he is really nervous about it. Uhm… (I think it is going to be my collar. So I just sit there all quiet like.) He pulled it out of his pocket. He said, “I know how you feel about reusing things (hot button) and I know how you feel about symbols (very important to me) so I’m worried that you will think this is bad.” It was a gold ring on a leather cord. Obviously his former wedding ring. “When I took this ring off I thought it would kill me. It is the symbol of my love and fidelity and I thought I would never give those things to anyone again. But in you I have found more than I ever thought I could find. I would like you to wear this as a symbol of our relationship.”

There were a few more things, but you guys don’t get to hear about everything. Uhm. Yeah. I’m pretty happy to wear it.

This morning we had a conversation about reusing things and how that kind of plays out in my head. I told him that I probably would have been upset if he had given me her ring, because that was something that had belonged to someone else. He was instead giving me something that was only his and had been part of him. This seems ok with me. I didn’t have my instant recoil that I usually have when I feel like something is being recycled. It really was his symbol and I don’t feel bad about that.

I’m going to monitor my feelings about this for a while.

Then other things happened. But you knew that.

Ok, I know I have at least a few people who do fetish stuff on my friends list.

This is from a message I got today:
I do mostly custom work right now which is why I don’t have a pricelist on my site. basic dresses start around $250, tops and skirts around $150 for latex. Cinchers run $200, overbusts $350.

I should have a lot more photos up next month of new designs, so make sure to check back.

I am currently working on a line that will be available through my site in standard sizes (up through 1X) hopefully by Christmas.

Thanks!
Penny
www.lustdesigns.com

Her work is really good. I am impressed. Please, pass along her info. 🙂

He went and took a shower while I typed up that post and I started breakfast. When he came out we talked again.

I told him that I don’t want him “sucking it up” because he thinks it will make me happy. If he really has a problem with something I would rather he tell me about the problem and we can deal with that.

He then admitted to a couple of different things. Hhe has a scene planned with his ex that he agreed to about five months ago. He knew that he would have one or two play dates with another friend because they had already discussed them. Outside of that he doesn’t intend to or want to negotiate for any other play outside of our relationship. He feels sad that I am enough for him but that he doesn’t seem to be enough for me. Here we get to the standard mono/poly difficulty.

First off: I don’t actually bottom to people often. I have done a little bit of rough sex with most of my partners in the last year but it wasn’t what I or Puppy would consider “bottoming.” Actually bottoming has been done with ten people including Puppy. And of those people, six of them it was only one scene and two of them it was two scenes. It isn’t as if I bottom very often or very casually. Ok, and Dad put four needles in my breasts as we sat around his house one day. I suppose that is bottoming as well. And I demo’ed in Fifth Angels class. I guess that might count too if we are really pushing shit.

Dude. It isn’t as if playing with a lot of people is a major part of my life. I would love to continue to have a once a year scene with Boymeat (next time no one will be interfering, I promise!). I am going to play with Julia, which about rocks my world. I would play with Bridgett if she asked. I am willing to bet I am not going to any cons or up to Seattle anytime soon so that leaves out a whole mess of people. I would play with Dad if he wanted to. I really can’t think of anyone else who is on my “I need to play with them” list. There are lots of people with whom it is fun, but that is far from mandatory.

So of the people that I believe I will probably play with at some point I can think of: Julia, Boymeat, Bridgett, and Dad. No one else gets an automatic pass. None of these people live in the same state as me so they aren’t exactly likely to be a constant source of stress for him. Playing with Julia will be the first time in several years. Bridgett and I play about every 18 months or so. Boymeat and I have managed once a year for the past two years. I play with Dad about once a year. I think these exceptions would be ok with Puppy.

I think I’m going to stop negotiating for bottoming to men other than the two listed exceptions. He doesn’t seem to feel any anxiety at all about me playing with women, but it really bothers him to think about me bottoming to other men.

I don’t think it is unreasonable. It isn’t as if he is trying to shut me off entirely from my friend network. It isn’t as if he wants me to stop being friends with the men in my life (I mean dude: he came home and Noah was in my bed. Not exactly a serious stress case.) he just wants our play and sex to be special. I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around why that is wrong.

And yes Pandora, I really would be happier if he is happy. If my behavior is causing him stress and anxiety and misery I will not be happy with it. Especially a consideration that really won’t hurt me to give.

Tonight is NIN night at BaGG.

There is significant commentary that multiple members of the band will be there and potentially Trent.

Uhm. Was anyone planning to go? I’m not actually a NIN groupie… but it could be kind of cool…

Puppy and I talked this morning about limits with other people. After about half an hour he just wanted the conversation to end. I am starting to feel kind of bad for bringing up so many options of things to do with people that he has never even thought of.

Sexual limits with girls: everything is fine except them using a strap-on to fuck me in the ‘boy’ method. He wants that method of sex to be special to him. Yes, using the dildo by hand is fine.

Sexual limits with boys: nothing exists below my belly button. And I’m not supposed to touch anyone else “down there” either. Ok, maybe feet. But not knees or calves. Except in very specific cases of massage and those he should know about in advance. *sigh*

He wants to talk to people before I play with them, just to get a feel for them. Then he wants to talk to me privately about it. All negotiating after that is done with me.

He doesn’t seem to want to put restrictions on what kind of play I am allowed to do, but he is also really easy to upset in thinking about it. 🙁 I talked about things like D/s, humiliation, significant pain, aftercare stuff… He doesn’t want to disallow anything, but it is really obviously hurting him to just think about it happening. It might be easier if he just said no.

I really get the impression that we will both be happier if I just don’t play with other people.

I was feeling idealistic about poly at one point. Heh. I like this story and I want to be able to locate it online.

I had no title for this. (Happy poly stuff with sex and bdsm)

As good of a transcription as I came up with of when I told Noah the things from my childhood. It was the first time I had really sat down and tried to tell all of the details like this.

Disturbing content.

I have been thinking lately that I should have some of this stuff posted. So here it is. This is a story that I wrote last year. I call it a “story” but really it is the best retelling I can make of what happened to me. Call it creative fiction. I put a frame on it that is “story” just because I didn’t know how to launch into it.

Seriously disturbing content.