Years ago, well, five years ago at least, Stephen and I deliberated on what size of bed to buy. We decided that a queen size bed was big enough and wouldn’t overwhelm the room we had. I’m really glad we made that decision. Sleeping alone in a king sized bed sucks ass. You always feel alone. Well, at least I always feel like I am always on my side of the bed and there is still always room for another body, a body that isn’t there. In a queen sized bed I can sleep on the diagonal and then there wouldn’t really be room for anyone else. It can be just my bed.

I have only slept alone a handful of times in the past three years. It has been very rare. If I sat down I could probably count all of the times on my fingers. People who have been reading me for any length of time are sick of my anxiety around sleeping alone. 🙂 Thanks for your patience darlings. I slept alone last night. In my bed. In the bed that I purchased all by myself. Strange as it sounds, that is a deal to me. Tom’s bed had become “our bed” but it had to become something. It was his. Now it is his again. He has always slept on his side of the bed anyway without regard to being alone or with someone. I slept ok. I snuggled up to the boys. I mentioned splitting custody with him and he told me that they were gifts for me and he doesn’t want to take them from me. I appreciate it. I’m going to put the body pillow on one side and absolutely overwhelm myself with snuggles on the other side. I was smashed enough last night that I passed out without a problem. It is going to be a little harder when I’m sober. I have to get over my anxiety though. This is going to be good for me. I am going to learn how to sleep alone damnit. I haven’t slept alone consistently since I was… 13? 14? It’s about time.

I don’t give a shit about bowling.

My legs look really skinny when held above my leg for a while.

What is up with this fucking bowling crap?!

I’m trying to stay distracted. I cried the first day and I don’t really want to spend all my time crying. In lots of way the relationship has been morphing for a long time and this isn’t really that big of a change. In other ways this is the most catastrophic thing that has happened to me in the past 5 years. Breaking up with Stephen was nothing. Finding out about the HPV was nothing. God. I never thought I would say that. Perspective is everything.

I love him very much. I hope he will always be one of my closest friends.

Now I get to go make dinner for our anniversary. Wow. This is really fucked up. But yet ok.

Thank you all for your love and support. I appreciate it more than I can express. I have learned that more people care about me than I knew. Not a bad thing to find out.

I’m an idiot. I lost the address for the location of the class on friday. It is being requested again from the person who is hosting. Please send me an email (pick an email of your choice) so that I can respond to it with directions. I will be away from my computer for a few days and I won’t have everyones address with me. I’m just having issues right now.

Somehow yesterday I hit a wall. I went and saw the movie, “What the Bleep” and one section was talking about how we stay in patterns because we are addicted to the chemicals produced, even when they suck. I’ve stayed with Tom for a lot of reasons, most of them aren’t good.

I hated saying those words to him. I hated having to say them over and over because he didn’t understand what, “I’m breaking up with you” really meant. God I hated having to say it over and over. I cried so much. And he held me. And he told me he loves me. And I love him. How can I walk away? We aren’t right for each other. He asked me why. I told him some of the reasons on my side and I told him that I need to leave him because I’m not right for him and he will never try to find someone who is as long as I’m here. The horrible thing is, that is one of the most compelling reasons for me. I love him. I want him to be happy. In big ways he isn’t happy with me. He is tolerating my poly, but it really doesn’t make him happy. He wants someone with different kinks, and different hobbies, and really a different personality.

I want him to find that person.

I have no idea yet what is going to happen. I don’t know when I’m moving out. I have something potentially on the table, but it would only work if I can stay here till January. That might be asking too much. I don’t know.

I hurt.

Ok, so it is barely the middle of the night. But I can title my journal any bloody thing I want.

Hussy: Adjective
Used to describe a person and/or their behavior (hussy-ish) when they are flirty and sexual in a way that is not actually going to lead to sex.

Slut: Adjective
Used to describe a person and/or their behavior (slutty) when they are flirty and sexual in a way that will lead to sex.

And this ends your public service announcement for the day.

Thank you Lolita I quite agree. If she kicks her heels and squeals delightedly, she’s a keeper.

Brezsny says:

“In his book, Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood, Wayne Muller traces many of our psychological ills to the bad habit known as “repetition compulsion.” After growing up, we unconsciously recreate the situations that damaged or addled us as children. In this way we hope to find the healing we couldn’t find when we were young. We choose friends and lovers and employers who inadvertently play the roles of our original family members as we continually restage our old imprints in search of some feeling of resolution that will set us free. That’s the bad news, Virgo. The good news is that the next six weeks will bring the best opportunity ever to escape from repetition compulsion.”

I’m cautiously optimistic about this. Letting go of stuff would be nice. Let’s see if I manage.

Noah is very interesting to talk to. He can tell me “what is wrong with me” without offending me. I didn’t know this was possible! Wow. I admire his tact.

I had a great great night. Lots of snuggling and foot massage and general happy attention. I was feeling great. More goodness happened. Like, come out of my skin goodness. *swoon*

Then I was talking with someone this morning and I was told that he had been “warned off” me. This is somewhat ironic seeing as I have been “warned off” him as well. He couldn’t/wouldn’t volunteer who did it and I didn’t really ask because whereas I was burning with curiosity–somehow I didn’t want to know. I have a serious complex around being disliked. I am incredibly paranoid and I will hyperventilate if I allow myself to dwell on the possibility that I am disliked. Ok, it is technically more than just a possibility; it is inevitable. Everyone is disliked by someone. I just don’t really want to know about it. Only I do. I can’t help wanting to know.

So of course I had a long chat with Noah about this. We talked about my social filters and how I present myself. A lot of what he told me was just reiterating many things that I already know. Such as, I don’t come across well upon first impression in a group setting. Yeah, I knew this. I do not however understand quite why it is so. I will be pondering this more cause I want to be a deliberate person and not a slap-dashed one. hrm. I’m not quite sure what to do about negative impressions. I dislike them. *grrrrrrrrrr*

But I’m still in an overall good mood. I had a melty good-time. I get to have great chats with Noah. I’m really tired though. I neeeeeeeeeeeed sleep. Soonish.

“Before you can move on to your next exciting challenge, you’ll have to answer a few hard questions about the life you’ve lived since your last birthday. The object of this test is not to make you feel guilty, but to help you take inventory of your gaffes and indiscretions so you can make atonement, thereby clearing a path to the future. Have you purposely caused anyone pain? Did you tell any big lies? Did you commit any unethical acts? Have you revealed information told to you in confidence? Do you owe money or energy to anyone you have no intention of paying back? Confess everything, Virgo–to the mirror. Then go set things right, or at least as right as possible.”

Interesting. This is going to sit in my craw all night long.

You know, life is certainly a roller-coaster. Last week was the suck. No one can argue with that. It was a craptastic week for me and just about everyone I know. It was amazing how much horrible shit happened last week. And then the week ended. And I had a fan-freakin-tastic weekend. I am a happy girl. I am spending loads of good, quality time with Noah. In some awful, horrible way I can appreciate him being stuck in the house and mostly incapacitated because I get to spend massive amounts of time with him!!! *weg* He really rocks. We are talking loads and loads and that is fabulous. He isn’t in pain, and his recovery is really only a matter of time so I’m just not that concerned. Yeah. And we figured out sex. Excellent. I was feeling a little nervous about my lack of getting any potential. I am so selfish. It helps that he is one of the most good-natured patients I have ever seen. I’m not sure it would be possible to have a happier person around. I don’t know what makes him so happy all the time, but if I could bottle it I would.

Ok, enough blathering about my boyfriend. I will go on to blather about some of the other people in my life. I went up to Davis on Saturday for a friends birthday party. I had an amazing, holy-cow, dude this rocks so fucking hard good time. Fucking GU people. *sigh* Why do you have to rock so hard!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!! *pout*

A good time was had by all at Great America and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the Weird Al concert. I created some sort of messiness with a friend because we had one ticket purchased that I didn’t want the birthday boy to have to eat so I invited a friend and I didn’t extend an invitation to his girlfriend, who is also a friend. I was too tired to do damage control at the actual time, but soon I will have to. I don’t want to hurt her feelings long term. Well, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings at all, but I’m afraid I did.

(We are back to “Wow, it is sexy that you can kiss me and keep typing at the same time.”)

In the past few days I have gotten massively teased sexually and fucked soundly twice. I really can’t complain. I am getting loads of great conversations in as well. I have somehow managed to turn up a new flirtation as well. Hm. We’ll see. I gave my standard disclaimer of “I have NO time” but he’s persisting. Hmmmm. Messy potential. Happy potential. Life is all about potential. I’m not making any decisions about anything.

Life doesn’t suck. I’m still working on that optimism stuff. Right now, it’s easy.

Class will be at 4. Someone volunteered a space. Directions will be sent in a bit. Email me with your RSVP or you ain’t goin. 😛

Uhm on the 20th. I should add that part.

“I got to the hospital and desperately needed a hug; he couldn’t hug me, but she could.”

“I know that I have a tendency to get over-involved in my relationships and lose myself and I was worried that I would be doing that if I drop most of my activities to stay at Noah’s and take care of him. Then I thought, this is for a limited period of time in a crisis situation and I will not allow it to continue forever. This has a finite life-span. I decided it is ok and healthy for me to do.” “Wow, I had that conversation with myself last night and came to the same conclusion.”

In response to inquiries from the nursing staff about who the other woman is, “Oh, that is his other girlfriend.”

Telling his mother that we can take care of him without a problem because there are many many people here who love him and will be happy to do whatever needs to be done to take care of him. Seeing it be true.

Calling Tom on the way to see Noah in the hospital and having him tell me to pass along his concern and please keep him posted as to Noah’s condition.

It has been a rough week, but it’s getting better already.

I flunked Spanish. The teacher was not willing to allow me any leniency when I missed class this week. C’est la vie.

I may be posting, but I’m not reading…. if anything major has happened please send me an email. (Dude! Apparently boot_slut@livejournal.com now works in addition to my prefered email.)

Ok, two people don’t prefer it on the 20th, but put it as their second choice. I listed dates praying to god that this would be the case. I have to be in Sac on the 21st, so it is most convenient for me to just come up on the 20th and spend the night.

Now, who is willing to host?

Oh, btw- the class is bondage, since I was asked. Although it won’t be a strictly structured class like I am doing for Janus. I will be bringing some gear and teaching ya’ll knots and ties and talking about sm in general. Very informal getting-to-know-you sorts of stuff. If there is anything in particular anyone would like to learn about, let me know and I will do my best. Any materials? Any other kind of sm? I’m willing to talk about anything I know, which is a lot…

Since I am already so out it isn’t funny, if you are willing to host you can invite people. I want a pretty firm head count before I come up there just so I know what to expect. 16 days and counting to that class.

There are lots of people on my friends list who don’t know/read angelbob, so I will tell people all over again that he is ok. I am so so so so so so happy. May his recovery be swift and relatively painless! 🙂

Who in the hell is broadcasting to Plough people that I am teaching an “interesting class” up in Davis? Uhm… whoever is announcing it bloody well better be prepared to host because I have no idea where this is happening still.

I woke up crying. A friend tried to cheer me up. Then I get a call saying my boyfriend is in the hospital. They wouldn’t give me any details over the phone.

What a day. *sigh*

Thank goodness he is ok. And I’m really thrilled about his amazing girlfriend. She rocks all. Thanks Raven.

I didn’t sleep much last night. I couldn’t stop thinking. On many levels. I went to Plough because I didn’t want to stay home and in my head. I had an interesting conversation at Au Coq last night with a fellow who told me I spend too much time in my head and I need to be more “present in the moment.” I understand where he was coming from, but it felt so much like “just get over it” that I couldn’t accept it on face value.

I had friends tell me that they understood yesterday and I believe that in the main they did. I was told that they had trouble getting over what happened to them, that the event was something they couldn’t forget. In no way shape or form do I mean to denigrate that. Abuse, sexual violence in any form is just plain awful and wrong and horrible no matter how much or how little of it occurs. I realized that almost no one really knows what happened to me. I told Noah pretty much the whole story, but he is the only person who has ever asked. Tom doesn’t know and doesn’t want to. Anna doesn’t know and doesn’t want to. Miss Jenny knows big chunks, but not everything. Last night I was thinking about my stance on “No secrets” and I realized I’m not terribly honest because I’m not as up front as I pretend. I’m very private about my abuse. I argued with a woman in her journal yesterday because she doesn’t feel that people should “come out” about what happened to them that there should be no shame and it isn’t a big deal. It is a big deal to talk about abuse. There is shame. I don’t know how to just get over it or talk about it or… But I want to.

Several years ago I was at a women’s discussion group and I made a comment about how happy I was at that stage in my life, and I knew how horrible life could get and that made me even more appreciative of my happiness. The leader of the group stopped me and said, “With all due respect honey, you have no idea how bad life can be. I was raped by my step-father when I was 16 and you have no idea how bad that can be.” I bit my tongue off not responding. I almost said, “Wow! Someone waited until you were 16! And there was no actual blood in common! That’s pretty cool.”

No one waited till I was 16.