Several people who are supposed to see this didn’t see it the first time through. Something about me being not safe for at work viewing or something. 😉 I said I would post it again. Hopefully some of you fabulous people who are invited notice and get to come. I did add some people after the most recent DHP. heh. I had to.

Party info

I have been told somewhat frequently lately that I am a super heavy duty masochist. This is something I have trouble wrapping my mind around. So, I want some input from ya’ll out there? Are masochists actually that rare? I don’t think I’m a terribly heavy masochist. Aren’t there lots who are more into it than I am?

I was the pass around party toy. I feel like it was a new experience for me. Stuff progressed to a level of intensity that I have never before allowed with a group of people I don’t know very well. I mean, I allowed some pretty serious sexual contact with people I barely know and not only was I ok with it, but I was clear and direct about what I was ok with, how I was ok with it, and what I didn’t want to have happen. I was able to say when something happened that wasn’t good for me. I was able to say, “hell yeah! Do that again!!” I have never been comfortable being at the center of attention like that. I have always doubted that people are actually interested in me. It was really hard for me to let go and believe that everyone who was participating really wanted to be there. I got all sorts of attention though. I spent a while in the hot tub with different people massaging my feet, hands, shoulders, back, neck…. it was incredible. Then the touching got very sexual. I was fingered. It was really intense. I let myself get very into all of the touching that was going on and not feel any negativity towards/from any of the people or myself. I can’t imagine a more positive experience. It was very affirming. I allowed them to make me feel good without feeling bad that I wasn’t doing more ‘work’. Trippy. I think this feeling of not being able to let people give me pleasure without reciprocating is part of the reason I don’t enjoy receiving oral sex.

Later in the evening I got a really good massage. Oh man do I owe that guy some huge favors. Whew. My neck is not back to normal yet, but it is worlds better. Yay!

Still later, I ended up on the floor in the living room being hurt by several people. It was really weird for me. I liked it and I hated it. I hated that Tom was the one pushing most of the serious pain. I felt like he was pushing just to get a rise out of the audience. Like he was marking his territory and I was just there for him to show off with. I hated that so much. It made processing the pain more competitive. I was not pleased with him fucking up the nice sweet gentle energy that had been going on all night. All of a sudden things became so much more seriously sadistic and it just wasn’t where things had been all night. I hate that I loved it. I loved being hurt like that. I love experiencing that much pain. Tom almost never hurts me and it was really weird. I liked getting hurt even though I was conflicted about the circumstances. *sigh* I hate being divided about it though. I want to just feel what I feel, but it isn’t that simple. *sigh* Oh well.

On the way home I was counting on my fingers the boys I had kissed. How many boys does a girl have to kiss in one day in order for the day to qualify as super fantastic?

I’ve wanted to write about this stuff, so here I go. This is the shortened version because I have to go to class, and I’m really tired and therefore spacey.
Seattle is good stuff.

Allergies are kicking my ass right now. My head is very fuzzy. I’m really tired. I haven’t been sleeping well because I’m coughing all night long. My face feels swollen and miserable.
Gross TMI

“If he fucks you up the ass, it’s a date.”

I’m sitting here typing an email. A cute boy is sitting next to me. I continue typing. He looks at me. I look back. I keep typing. He kisses me. After the kissing he laughs because I never stopped typing. He says, “That’s kind of hot.” “What? That I kept typing?” “That you kept typing something coherent.”

I was just reading a livejournal. Ok, if a daddy can have multiple little girls, why can’t a little girl have multiple daddy’s? Hmmmm. Interesting ponderance.

Invent a memory of me and post it in the comments. It can be anything you want, so long as it’s something that’s never happened. Tell me what you would like to remember of me, only the universe failed to cooperate in making it happen so you have to make it up instead.

boymeat is inspirational…

This is fairly long, so I cut it. 🙂 Or I put it behind a cut, something like that.

Continue reading →

I need to not date Ricky. I have come to this conclusion. It isn’t good for me. I really feel like I am pouring my emotional energy into a black hole when I am with him. He isn’t terribly interested in me and that means I should stop trying. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him–he doesn’t feel much for me. I leave his presense feeling totally rejected. I don’t need that in my life.

Noah rocks. I am so glad I have him in my life. He is sweet and supportive and dominant and sadistic. What a combination! Dude. I’m excited.

Paul: oh wait… uhm, another boy? What the hell am I doing?! Good lord. But he is very cool and we have been decently close friends for years. Now he gets around to telling me he would like to make me cry. Hm. Ok! 🙂

Yeah. stuff. dude.

College Board’s 101 Greatest Works of Literature – italicize/bold those you have read, underline those you want to read.

* – Own, but haven’t had a chance to read yet.

Keep in mind that I am working on a Masters in English, so most of these I will need to read within the next year and half.
Continue reading →

Post a memory of me in the comments. It can be anything you want.

Then, of course, post this to your journal and see what people remember of you.

Was not much different than I expected it to be, except for one crucial thing: mindset. I decided that I was going to not be upset about being alone. I still didn’t manage to sleep very well, but I somehow managed to not be anxious about not sleeping well. I stayed up far too late drinking copious quantities of yummy wine and wrote pages and pages of stuff. I’m well into a story and I am almost 5 pages into something that I am pondering about boundaries. I’m happy with this. It should be ready to post sometime this week. I have no idea how long it will be by then… I have actually kind of enjoyed my morning on my own. I have been extremely productive! Go me! The guest room is significantly closer to being neat and tidy. It isn’t there yet, but I’m really happy with the amount of progress. I have watched a good movie “Enough” with Jennifer Lopez, very much like “Sleeping with the Enemy.” I think Lopez did a good job. It was sad and engrossing. She murdered her husband in most devious fashion and boy did he deserve it by the end. I have listened to music and scanned lj. I haven’t been able to do as much writing as I would kind of like to (I slept a bit late and I have been working! Really! I have!) The kitchen is still a mess and my bedroom is messy and laundry needs to be put away. I have someone arriving any minute. Oy.

Tonight is Gaskell’s. I’m looking forward to it in a passive sort of way. I’m feeling stupid about some lame ass clothing issues. I feel more confident in big swishy skirts and corsets. It is a look that really works for me and I feel less secure in my appearance when I deviate from that sort of look. It is really really stupid and I know it. That doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I have loads of confidence in my looks. Ack. Oh well. I will go and I will dance and I will have fun anyway! I just am less likely to preen. heh. Probably a good thing anyway. 🙂

I didn’t realize until about an hour ago that I am not going to sleep with my love for 4 consecutive nights this week. 🙁 That is a really long time. The first two nights were entirely my fault (I chose to sleep elsewhere) and now he is going out of town. This means that I am sleeping by myself tonight and tomorrow and he won’t be home until very late on Sunday.

I’m not happy about this. It is one of my very lame, yet almost inescapable quirks that I have a fairly serious objection to sleeping alone. I basically don’t sleep. I don’t feel safe when I am alone. I have the most horrible nightmares when I am alone. I have nightmares when there is someone there, but they are really really bad when I am alone. I’m somewhat worried about this. And now I am managing to talk myself into somewhat major anxiety when the possibility of sleep is at least 12 hours away.

I think tonight is a night that I will crack open one of my bottles of wine. Maybe two or three glasses will help me sleep.

Why can’t I handle alone time at night? What part of my psyche am I hiding from? What is going on in the shadows of my brain that scares me so much?

I’ve had a somewhat emotional past 48 hours anyway. I came home this morning feeling all wacky and tense. Now I am about to cry. How can I hide from my feelings today? Must find destraction…

I’m not sure I will survive. I am terrified of the Alaska trip for the sole reason of being off-line for more than 10 days. I think my brain will explode.

Anyway, that isn’t my point right now. I have a point. Really I do. I’m probably not going to be able to check email/lj until Friday. So don’t expect my usual lightning fast (aka: obsessive compulsive freakish) responses. 🙂 Feel free to call me and tell me you love me though. It always makes me smile.

*bounce*

*dance*

The benefits of friendship outweighed the option of doing the polka tonight. I must really like my friend. So now of course I’m all buggy to polka. I will sleep instead… and smile!

You’re never fully dressed without a smile! 🙂

This has come up a few times recently.

If I have a collar on, please don’t touch it unless you put it there. Ok, you can ask to touch it, see the hinging mechanism, the fastner, etc… But don’t just reach out and touch my collar. It really really bugs me.

I’m not accusing anyone, just being preemptive. Thank you.

And this ends our public service announcement. *beep*

So: does anybody out there know anybody who can help me locate a
lender who will finance a co-op in California? More specifically, who
will finance a co-op in California for someone whose credit is, shall
we say, imperfect? (Small business ownership tends to be tough on the
credit score.)

I would love to pass along help to this person if possible. 🙂 Any ideas?

Is anyone interested in Death Guild tonight? I think I would enjoy the energy but I am unlikely to go on my own. I will be online until 2:30ish, so ping me if you want to.

Edit at 2:00: If anyone sees this by 9, call my cell and leave a message. I will check it during the evening. I can’t answer because I will be in class. If you don’t have the number I’m sure you know someone who does. I do hand the number out pretty freely.

Is there any major obvious stuff I should fix? Are there parts of it that don’t flow? Are there concepts that aren’t clear? Is there anything I should explain better? Anything? Anything? 🙂

The most recent paper finished.