“They can always get a translator for your ass.”

Thank you so much.

I had a very interesting conversation with a couple of friends yesterday about the concept of manipulating people and friendships and associations based on social perks. It was very odd. The book Les Liaisons Dangereuses came up more than once. It was very interesting to me to think about people consciously trying to manipulate their friendships. I started to wonder if I do it without noticing. I’m not sure I liked what I figured out. I’m not sure I choose my friendships based on what I can get from them. I do seem to gravitate towards people who know a lot of people though. I think I really like being someone who knows a lot of people and can arrange to get things done when I want them done. I’m not yet very good at implementing this, but it is something I have somewhat consciously worked towards. I do give myself a little bit of slack because I have years left to perfect this skill.

I don’t need to be the most popular person, goodness knows that with my mouth and lack of tact I never will be, but I sure like knowing the most popular people. Probably because the most popular people are popular because they are fun. A friend has told me recently that he thinks I know everyone, I don’t think it is true… yet. I’m working on it though. I know that within the little worlds I move in there is almost no one I can’t get an introduction to within 2 degrees. I like talking to people and I seem to do a better than average job of remembering people and details about them. I wish there was some way to turn “knowing people” into a career. I could do well.

I was noticing yesterday that even when I am very happy with one person and enjoying their company and it is really great, I am still capable of missing someone else. This seriously blows my mind.

Noah told me that he has missed me. We haven’t spent one-on-one time in more than a week. I noticed upon seeing him that I have been seriously missing his energy as well. I felt overwhelming happiness that I got to experience his presense.

When he runs through my mind (which is somewhat frequently) I feel like a hole has been cut out of me where only Ricky fits. I miss him so much! I haven’t spent time with him individually in over a month. I feel like there is a huge void in me.

Even when I am with Tom sometimes I feel like I miss him. I miss the energy of what we used to share. I miss his attention. I don’t know how to fix the situation anymore.

I feel like I miss a lot about of people right now and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I sent Julia a card. I miss having her as a friend. I miss Anna. I feel like I miss my mother as well. 🙁

Waaaaaaaa!!!!!! Damnit I want to feel better already. What the fuck is up with my brain chemicals?!

Tom wants me to give additional information that is part of the real invitation as oppossed to the pre-preplanning stuff.

Fridays are generally not the most popular days for parties, but life is a bitch.

I invite everyone to ask me 3 questions. Any 3 questions. I promise to answer honestly. Caveat: If I believe something is too personal to be answered in public I will either e-mail you or move my answer to a filtered list you are on and anyone else I feel comfortable knowing the answer.

If you ask 3 questions, it is requested that you place the invite for others to ask in your own journal. Thanks.

I asked, so I should put it out there.

mortalcity gave me another meme to steal! Yay!
Three’s

Thanks, tsgeisel

The Alphabet o’ me.

Brezsny says:

It’s time for a check-in, Virgo. What progress have you been making in your work on this year’s big opportunities? As I suggested last December, you’ll attract unexpected help in 2004 by growing the parts of your life that are small and timid and immature. Likewise, you’ll generate good luck any time you enlarge your sphere of influence and energize your ambitions. Thirdly, you’ll feel more and more at home in the world if you aggressively seek out interesting responsibilities that liberate you from your old images of yourself. My sense is that you’ve been doing OK in all these tasks, but there’s room for improvement. The coming weeks are the perfect time to kick your efforts into high gear.

What progress have I made this year? Well, I have finally started working. I have started grad school. I have been pursuing additional relationships. I have gotten into dancing. I have significantly expanded my social network in the last 4 months. I have begun interacting with people in ways that signifantly bolster my self-esteem.

Damn. I still need to work more on these areas? Woof. Ok, I guess I can do that.

My wonderful friend Mollena http://www.mollena.com/ is acting in a show: Slaughter City http://www.crowdedfire.org/currentshow.shtml and she wants me to come see her. Of course I want to help her out here by supporting her art. *flip through date book* Jesus Christ. I guess I’m going up on May 6th because it is the only night… I…. can….

Anyone want to come with me? It is a Thursday night and thus pay-what-you-can (read: poor people come see our show). I’m available for carpooling and such. Yay. Curtain is at 8, which means I would like to be in the city no later than 7:30 including dinner stuff. There or before is ok with me. Lets go support the arts….

Oh, as a teaser–the show contains:
blood play
knife play
Mo in a slip and big rubber boots
racially charged verbal humiliation
face slappin’
ass kickin’
necrophiliac bestiality
cross dressin’
men in their undies
girl and boy titties
fireplay
transvestism
tales of body modification

Who wouldn’t want to go?

Edited cause I’m on crack and don’t pay attention to what I’m writing.

A stolen meme.

Although in a much more tightly released filter I will obsessively mull over my relationships. Gah!!!

Anthony is finally fully cognizant of the whole “breaking up” thing and it is ok now. It was rocky. I think we are going to be friends, which makes me incredibly happy. I value him as a person so much, the sex part just wasn’t working for me. I actually think it is a major defect in my wiring that I can’t handle egalitarian sex. Well, handle might be too strong of a term but there it is. It just doesn’t do anything for me to have someone gently stroke my body. Being nice to me in bed just… ugh.

Noah rocks. He really does. He is working up to being a serious sadist and he is naturally incredibly dominant. !!!!!!!!!! It is pretty rare that I find someone who won’t back down when I push. *giggle* *bounce* *swoon* He is really into me and even though I find myself wanting to be the responsible party and keep a little bit of distance… I also don’t want to. [Responsible party in the sense that I am much more experienced with D/s and I am very aware of the intense emotions that come up with a new partner and how engrossing they can be–he has almost no experience with this stuff and is probably being sideswiped by the experience of D/s in general more than just how fabulous I am. Although I would like to believe that I am fabulous as well.] So that is going, and going well! Yay. Although, dude. It has only been 6 weeks. I’m trying so hard to keep this in perspective…

My other 6 week deal (stacking the first dates is so dangerous) is even more complicated in my head. I can’t bring myself to keep proper “distance” and god I love him. Shit. Who the hell am I to think myself experienced or capable of keeping distance. Shit shit shit shit shit shit. I did finally stop being a tweaker and ask him if he is ok with me being overly interested in him or if I should continue to pretend that I am a normal person who isn’t smitten. Heh. It’s ok with him that I’m twitterpated. He is still asking me for dates. Because I like him so much I can’t bring myself to ask him for dates. It is entirely up to him if I get to see him again. This can’t be healthy.

I have no shame about asking Noah for time and trying to work him into my schedule. I think I am less afraid of Noah rejecting me. Rejection sucks.

Tom is Tom. Hm. It kind of sucks that I think of my primary that way. Yeah, he is just sort of there. Life plods along… nothing particularly happens… Heh. We spend time together and it is enjoyable. A few girls are popping up finally that he is paying attention to. I’m coping better than I thought I would. It helps that they are all people that I am already friends with. *phew* I am such a fucking control freak.

These are the boys that are significant in my radar at this point. Of course I flirt like a shameless hussy with a few dozen others. But they are just people that I run into… 🙂

http://cosmicbabe.diary-x.com/journal.cgi?entry=20040408

This website talks about levels of poly, I will basically copy it here so that I can talk about it. 🙂

Poly-ness

I came home early from class because I have a nasty headache. I feel somewhat groggy and disconnected. I have had a few things running around in my head today though that I want to try and express. Maybe I will do a good job, maybe I won’t.

I don’t know how to flirt. NO SNICKERING!! I say this because I think of flirting as people behaving towards one another in a pseudo-sexual way that doesn’t have to lead anywhere. I don’t let myself behave in a sexual way unless I am willing to follow through with it. Or, what is more problematic, if I start to be flirtatious with someone I decide really quickly that if they push that I will let them do whatever they want. This is part of my “problem with saying no.” I had several situations come up at the party this weekend that were really odd for me. I find myself wanting to play with sexual energy more often lately, but if I permit myself to follow up on that interest then I feel like I am required to completely follow through. I don’t like feeling compelled this way. I want to be able to enjoy the energy of flirting without having to fuck anyone who wants to flirt with me. I hate feeling this way! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

This is crappy in my head. I know a lot of it comes back to being assaulted. Even though I would never tell another woman that it is her fault that she was assaulted, even though I don’t ever believe that it is another woman’s fault that she is assaulted–I feel like I was culpable. I feel like I somehow caused it by being suggestive or by acknowledging that I am sexual in general. I still feel like I am to blame. I still feel like if I flirt without intending to follow through that I am inviting being hurt. I am inviting having someone violate my boundaries. So I say “yes” because my “no” won’t be respected. I think talking about this is becoming a theme for me. I’m trying to work on this issue though, I’m sorry if I’m being repetitive.

I’m trying to learn to say no. I’m also trying to learn that it is ok to enjoy the energy of flirting. This means that I am trying consciously to flirt when I feel like I want to. Now I’m starting to feel guilty because it has come up that people feel sad when I don’t follow through. Fucking A!!! I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m really not. I’m trying to figure out where the boundaries are for what is good to do in flirting and what is bad to do in flirting. If you are reading this, and I have been flirting with you lately or if I start fliritng with you… I am not trying to hurt you. I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m not trying to lead anyone on. I’m not trying to just gratify my own ego. I think flirting feels good. I hope it feels good to the people I am flirting with as well. If it doesn’t feel good, let me know and I will back off. I don’t know how to deal with deciding who to go further with though. I’m probably going to be backing off of going further with anyone for a while and just trying this flirting business. I really want to believe that it is ok and safe for me to flirt. Ok, let the experiment begin…

Yesterday was a rather cool day! I had brunch with a cool guy. I think we have been fairly decent friends for the last few years even though we don’t get together in person very often. Ok, so our gap for hanging out together has been almost a year this time. So he was rather shocked when he saw me. I guess I have changed a lot more than I thought. He hit on me like mad, which rather surprised me. And he called me 30 minutes after I dropped him off to me how much fun he had and how he wants to do it again soon. I was amused. Yay.

Corset shopping with the girls was pretty fun. I got to spend some time with women I want to know better. This is good. After the main portion of the day was over I spent close to an hour talking one-on-one with one of the women. I learned some very personal things about her and I feel really happy that she thinks I am trustworthy enough to share things with. It is quite a compliment from her.

The DHP rocked! I had so much fun. I drank a lot and flirted even more. I knew the latex cheerleader outfit would be a hit. There were moments that weren’t quite as happy and many more moments that were just great. I can’t make everyone happy at all times though and I need to be ok with that in my head. The Boy tied up the girl I played with at the last DHP. I’m glad she decided to come. 🙂 Yay happy stuff.

This morning I have had a conversation that makes me sad. I don’t want to be the kind of person who “dumps” people. I think that being honest with myself and with someone else about the fact that we aren’t compatible for a variety of reasons isn’t “dumping” them. I think it is just trying to accept the level of relationship we can share. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I’m going to the drive-in tonight! Anyone want to come?

So far I have talked people into the combination of:
Ella Enchanted and The Prince and Me

I can’t believe the boys are letting me pick movies that are this freakin girly.

The first movie starts at 8. If you want to come, give me a call/email/comment and I would love to meet up with people!!

This is kid friendly.

pondering. That’s what I’m doing… pondering….

*giggle*

I don’t suppose anyone would like to go to the gym today? I would like to be home by 7, but other than that I can go at any time.

I feel like my head is exploding. I am really in an odd mood this morning. Last night I had a very intense conversation with Noah. It turns out he is a lot more into me than I thought… I have already been surprised by this once I’m not sure why I am surprised again. I’m not entirely sure how to react.

I believe that a big part of why he feels so intensely about me is because this is the first time he has been able to explore bdsm with a heavy emphasis on D/s with a partner. Finding someone to explore the darker parts of your psyche with is incredibly powerful and I think part of what is so stimulating to him is simply that. More than being me, which is apparently working for him in general, I am his first submissive. That is pretty intense. I can certainly understand the emotions. That being said I feel some responsibility to be the more level headed person about the situation. I have more experience with these activities and how incredibly emotional they can be. I’m not in love with him. But if things continue with the intensity that they have had…. I will be. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. He is climbing inside my head in a way that few people can. I make minor off-hand comments about stuff I like and he remembers and follows through later. And then he steps it up a notch. I am seriously impressed with how well he handles D/s. He is very interested in learning more about pain play and I am looking into taking him to some classes in the next few months. I am fully capable of teaching him almost all the skills I would appreciate him knowing, but I don’t really want to be topping from the bottom that much. I have considered doing a few co-topping scenes and teach him on someone else, but I’m really not comfortable telling him how to hit me while he is hitting me…. That is just way too controlling.

So things are going on with Noah. I’m somewhat overwhelmed there. Ricky is coming home this weekend. I have no idea when/if he is going to want to see me. I think things escalated with Noah partially because I was trying to get over Ricky. I’m not over him. I have missed him like crazy. I have not had a day go by without thinking about him and missing him and wanting him.

I’m a fucking drama queen.

I may have an uncle. How interesting. I have a friend in the dance community who seriously looks like the stereotypical “Daddy” figure. He is just so cute. I mentioned this to him a while ago and every single time I spend more than five minutes with him he mentions it. He is starting to do extensive research on it. He isn’t really kinky but he is extremely kink aware. With how often he brings it up and how much he makes comments about what I “can or cannot” do…. I think he is looking for a paternal role. We discussed tonight at Pryanksters how I already have a Daddy and a Dad and a third person would be incredibly over-commiting that role for me. (Although Dad and Daddy play very different roles in my life…) So we decided that he can be my uncle. After coming up with this in conversation I of course had some additional thoughts about it. I take my family roles pretty seriously. It was a big deal for me to accept Guy as my Dad. I almost think this thing with Jeremy is moving too fast for that kind of role. I’ve only known him for 4 months. Hm. I feel pretty deeply commited to Dad, would I be ok with being more casual with an uncle?

Any thoughts from those of you with extended families would be great!

I did West Coast swing last night–it was pretty fun. I spent a significant portion of the class dancing with someone who does a lot of West Coast swing and is very good at it. He led me through some rather sophisticated turns and odd contortions. I wasn’t doing them correctly but I was doing them. He was very impressed that I managed to follow him. 🙂 I caught the last bit at St. Stephen’s Green on the way home. I was pulled into my very first polka set!!! I sucked, but it was so much fun!!!! I didn’t actually suck that bad considering that I have never done a polka set before, and I haven’t been doing Irish for two months, and I have only been dancing at all for a few months. Then I did the last waltz. I was very happy.

Tonight was Pryanksters. I carpooled over with Jeremy and mitrian. Jeremy and I tortured her on the way home singing along with Disney songs. It was great!!! He is probably the only person I know who is consistantly as hyper as I am. This is great.

I can’t believe I’m listening to the Hampsterdance Christmas album. This is so odd.

The weekend is going to be insane!!! Tomorrow night is a party. Friday night I want to go to the drive-in, anyone interested? It is a rather mellow way to be social and such. Saturday: brunch with fun guy, shopping with girls, DHP. Sunday: flea & Fandango. yay. Much fun shall be had!!! Yay! *bounce*