I have wanted to do a cross country road trip for years. I’m going to do it in 2012. I have so many people in my life I don’t get to see enough.
Something fun.
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fashion/body image crisis.
SHIT! Noah’s new company is having a party today. It’s a family thing. I’m feeling more than slightly fussed because this guy I had a really hot, intense multi-stage, intermittent fling with over several years works there.
HURRY UP AND STOP BEING ALL LOOSE SKIN LIKE YOU FREAKIN POSTPARTUM BELLY SO I CAN GO FLIRT WITH GUYS AND THEY WILL WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
Not that I’m all that into having sex. See my broken vanity. It is mighty. Erf.
Forgiveness
I guess I’ve been searching for forgiveness for a while.
Changing venues
I am in a place where dealing with a lot of the abuse shit isn’t optional. It’s going to be a while before I am ready for it to be a book but I am feeling increasing urgency in that direction. I am the kind of writer who needs an audience or I don’t write. But I don’t want all the book stuff on livejournal. Mostly because I want to choose what I reveal in it because the audience is different. I’m admitting things in front of people I never would have spoken to about these things now. My lj is a weird space at this point. I know that there aren’t very many readers left but when I friends-lock something here I feel completely comfortable that this is a secure space for me. It’s a different kind of disclosure. I need to have the scary disclosure for a while. I have to say this to people who aren’t obviously safe for me because I have to learn who is actually safe and where there are more safe people.
So I don’t know how much will be new information for people who have been reading this journal for years, but it’s really intense for me. Oh man. www.soggyinmilk.blogspot.com If’n I haven’t pointed you there already.
inner voice
All I’m hearing in my head right now is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. I want today to be over.
This post brought to you by squimishness
Today is officially a Great Day. Both kids went down for their naps without a second of fuss AND I pulled my jeans off without unbuttoning them. WIN. 🙂
And I just couldn’t bring myself to say that in front of all the random asshole guys I know. But funnily enough I don’t worry about saying it on livejournal. I wonder what that says about the quality of the guys I know on facebook. Hm.
Nursing manners
With kid #1 I was willing to nurse however long, wherever, in whatever position, whenever she wants. With kid #2 I say, be polite to my nipples or starve. You do not get to hurt me. 😛 (For the record, once she gets to the stage where she is hurting me she is full. No starving will occur. But much less comfort nursing.)
I guess things do change over time. 🙂
Stomach trouble
I think the problem is that I am overtired and a stress monkey. But I’m really ready to be done with my stomach hurting. I kind of feel like I should go off sugar again because right now when I have something sugary it feels overwhelming and kind of awful in my mouth. I feel intensely overwhelmed by the experience. This is weird for me because I am putting my ‘normal’ amount of sugar on things (oatmeal, tea, pancakes[that one is actually maple syrup, but it is sweet]) and I feel kind of gag-ready. Hm. Interesting body feedback there. Maybe that part of my development cycle is ending and my body knows I really don’t need that kind of massive calorie surge any more.
Bodies are weird.
Upcoming project schedule.
I have a pretty fantastic amount of work to finish and I am running out of time. There are some upcoming tasks that I quite literally cannot do alone because it requires moving big heavy things like furniture so here I am laying out my basic schedule and saying, “Hey! Does anyone have any time to come help on these projects?” I figure it’s worth asking, people frequently say yes. 🙂
4/18-4/24- This week is devoted to getting my house ready for the Easter party. 🙂
4/25-5/1- This week I need to get a move on sorting things from the garage into other parts of the house or getting rid of them. If they are in permanent storage, then obviously we don’t need them.
5/2-5/8- I need to paint Sarah’s room and prep for the hot water replacement and drywall repair over the weekend. A professional will have to do the hot water replacement bit. Oh shit. I think I need to call the city about that. Ok, something just got added to today’s list. The little bit of drywall fixing around the hot water heater I can probably do by myself thanks to Taylor’s excellent instruction. 🙂 But I would take help if someone was bored.
The next week is the most important one that I need help on!
***5/9-5/15- During this week I need to get all of the furniture and fixtures and such out of my garage (big heavy awful lifting), finish painting (there won’t be much left–just about a wall), clean and fix any problems with the flooring that have to be dealt with, install carpet, move furniture and fixtures back onto carpet, and install dryer venting or it’ll never get done.
See why I’d love to have as many people as possible scheduled periodically throughout that week? It’s going to be a really hard job and it pretty much has to be done all in one go like that.
Uhm, anyone? 🙂
The end of the all depression all the time hour.
I mention, in the long serious trauma posts, that I kind of have a split personality thing going on right now. I am sleeping weird hours (but getting more sleep than it probably sounds like) and working constantly on a humongous list of stuff. That’s why I am not posting during the day about all the cheerful stuff going on in my life. I appreciate the phone calls I’ve been getting, but really… it doesn’t matter how suicidal I fell, I won’t allow myself to be the kind of person who hurts my kids that way. That is not my story. So even though I have really bad times I am not going to give in to this compulsion. I have an awful lot of will power. I’ve been using the home improvement stuff to kind of meditate and stay present during the day and it’s really awesome. I may not chop wood and carry water but I do a lot of dig dirt, carry bucket. I say that over and over all day. And I smile while I do it. And I feel at peace with the world. And I enjoy my beautiful children. And I really and truly am genuinely happy.
But! Today is a slack day! Thanks to the efforts of our wonderful friends Paula, Andrew, Alex, and Yani we get to have a day of rest. Noah suggested that folks might find it kind of cool to see what I’ve been up to so here I go. I have thusly updated
Walking between the worlds
I am all over the place tonight. I am writing about stuff that hurts me a lot. I don’t know any way out of this but through it. Getting these thoughts out of my head makes them easier to deal with. But tonight the thoughts and memories are evading me and I am so frustrated. I hate these periods where I feel like I am incapable of thinking. I know it’s there.
I’m terrified and my brain does not want to allow me access to these memories. I don’t understand why I am this paralyzed with fear. I just realized. I found my voice.
major class thing
Sarah just told me that people worry about house maintenance because it is about having something of high value to leave to your heirs. Holy shit. That explains so much!
Shameless begging for love and affection.
I don’t care that you normally go to Burning Man. It’s too big and commercial these days anyway. You want to stay here in the bay. Or better yet, you want to fly from across the country. This Labor Day… imagine a festive get away in the bay area. I want to have a huge birthday party and god damnit people you had better come. I’m only turning 30 once. I’m reserving Labor Day weekend. 😛
Distraction wanted
support
I think I should keep going to the support group. I think I’m not going to get much out of it. When the other folks need to have PTSD defined, we are just not at the same place in our journey. Nice women though. It’s remarkable how overwhelmingly fucking cocky I felt. God damn I like myself compared to them. The group leader asked us to list five things we were proud of/reasons we liked ourselves from the last week. The other two couldn’t come up with stuff. Shit, I can come up with five things in the past few hours. Parenting interactions, marital interactions, finishing the mural… it’s not hard to come up with stuff really quickly for me. The other women couldn’t do it. That was interesting to me. Despite me feeling like I have a lot of self-loathing I’m not sure I really and really and really truly do. (Yes, that was a specific language choice not a typo.)
The words… they are stuck. :-/
Goal progress
I hit this point where I realized that if I try to wait until Sarah moves in to show any pictures I will be overwhelmed and bail on the whole thing, so here are some pictures of current progress. 🙂 The mural painting is done. I have a long long long way till the garage is finished though. I am quite pleased with how the mural turned out given that I don’t have a lot of experience with artistic painting.
PSA: writing time
So I have this super hot girl in Duluth freakin Minnesota that I’m getting to know. It’s a very interesting experience for me. I may not be writing much on lj for a while because every spare minute I have for writing is going towards wooing her. Uhm, talk to y’all later.
gym!
I don’t go to the gym that often. Kids are complicating factors. However I went this morning! And it was glorious! I felt lame because I used to bust out 5 sets of 30 crunches and barely breathe hard. I got through 2 sets of 20 and wanted to die. Ugh. This will be a long road. Alright abdominal muscles, your four year vacation is over.
In other news there was a beautiful older Sikh man across the room from me on the elliptical. He was wearing a Bright Neon Fuck-You-I’m-A-Sikh Turban. He had to have been in his mid 60’s (I couldn’t tell this till the end.) I watched him throughout my workout because his body was poetry in motion. He was so obviously powerful. Me being me, I felt skeezy and creepy because I stared for almost an hour. So I went over and introduced myself. I told him that I was sorry for staring, but he is in such amazing shape that it is inspiring. He smiled and asked me about when I like to come to the gym. I told him it was random because I have young children. He smiled again and told me he hopes he sees me again. 🙂
Not as planned, but good
Yesterday I thought we had a doctors appointment at 10 and a friend coming over for dinner at 4:30. I felt stressed about finishing all the chores I wanted to get done and I was anxious. But it turns out I wrote the date wrong on the doctors appointment (I looked at the card again and it is really hard to read) and that’s the 7th. And the friend who was coming over to dinner forgot. So I got everything done and had time to write a long blog post and a long email to my lady friend! That was way better than I hoped for.
It also looks like the shed and motorcycle ramp will be leaving my yard this weekend. Woo!
I’ve been snapping at Noah like 345% more than I should. I kind of feel like he is the last man standing in terms of people I can take my foul temper out on. It really isn’t awesome. 🙁 On that note, I’m going to go put pants on and go to the gym. Hopefully I can run out some of this aggression. Wish me luck.
smks: deep deep gulp
“May I please have a sip of your water (torani syrup added to sparkling water)?”
“I don’t think you really want a sip.”
“I do! I want a tiny little sip!”
“Don’t you mean you want a gulp?”
“No! I want a tiny little sip!”
“Ok…” Hand off bottle.
*teeny tiny sip* Hand back bottle.
“Thank you for the teeny tiny sip. It was delicious.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
Sly look… “Now may I have a deep deep gulp?” Huge smile!
“Sure.”