Category Archives: Uncategorized

whoo boy that’s a roller coaster.

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So I got to play on Saturday. That was fun. It was a pretty decent scene. We asked one of my dearest friends to join us and it was all happy and fun and such. Except for that crying part. That was less “happy”.

Yesterday was a complete and total roller coaster day and I think it was cause of of playing. I went between angsty and fussy and angry all day. (It didn’t help that my tummy felt awful for a lot of the day and it was 77 degrees so my body was like WTF IS IT SO HOT FOR. I don’t like warmth much.) So I try to process. Cause I’m like that.

I was irritated because yesterday the marks from the scratching (with a knife) made it really hard to sleep after playing so I got almost no sleep Saturday night. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping on my side in one position all night anyway–having to do it on *one* side because the other side was mucho owie just caused problems.

I also found that in retrospect I had a hard time dealing with the fact that Noah and our friend were both trying to push me in terms of how much pain I could handle. When I settled into a given level of ouchie they upped it. Then upped it. Then upped it. Until I broke down crying. Then they went “ahhhhh” and stopped and were lovey and affectionate. Yesterday I felt like, “Why did you need to push until I failed?” So much of what is happening to my body right now is beyond my control and I feel like I am sucking over and over. I’m not sure it was a good thing to push things until I broke. 🙁 I still feel like a failure because I couldn’t handle what they wanted to do to me. Ok, I know that they were going to keep pushing and pushing for a long time, but in my competitive masochist sort of way I don’t like it when I have to cry uncle first. So I’m mad at me and kind of mad at them. (Not real mad. Still glad I got to play at all.)

I’m also fussy because I think I want to fire one of our birth classes. No, I don’t want to come draw a picture and tell you how I feel about it. I did that shit when I was officially crazy as a teenager and I don’t want to fucking do it now. I’m feeling really angry about the lack of information in the class compared to the amount of woo-woo crap. (Uhm, no offense to any woo-woo types reading this. If it works for you, awesome. Is not my thing.) So If feel hostile and defensive when I go. Why am I going then? Oh, we had birthing class last night and I had to go argue with them telling them that no, I am not going to be “drawing my birth landscape so I can tell you how I feel about it.” I also didn’t appreciate being told that since my big focus in birth is that I want to trust my body and my instincts to tell me what is right over the random advice of other people that I should “soften around this idea because I’m not necessarily right”. I wanted to walk out right then. Because you know what you woo-woo bitch, you are exactly who I shouldn’t listen to.

And Noah wisely pointed out yesterday that I probably shouldn’t have any more lumps of lard and meat (but chicken nuggets are SO TASTY) because my stomach hurt massively all day after having it. Which probably contributed to me being such a bitch.

Ok, this roller coaster of emotions is getting old. I want off. And I woke up in a foul mood. I have class tonight. Awesome.

1st draft of critical response

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I’m writing an essay criticizing a piece of criticism. There’s intellectual wankery for you. I’m not satisfied with it yet, but I’m not sure how I want to fix it. I figure that ye olde intarweb often gives me good feedback, so if you are bored and you want to skim it (about 3 pages) I’m not turning it in until Monday. 🙂 Feedback is appreciated.

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fuss

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This morning my back hurts. Many mornings my back isn’t happy, but this morning it really hurts. As a result I want to be massively snippy and nasty. I think I am refraining, but I feel miserable. Sleeping is the main thing that makes my back hurt the most so it is negating a lot of the value of sleep.

However, given the list of potential pregnancy side effects:

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good and bad news.

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My therapist hasn’t been doing so well lately health wise. She just took two weeks off trying to get a handle on it but this much time hasn’t been enough. So she is going on hiatus for a bit until she can get things to a better place. She told me that she had totally expected me to be as supportive as I was, which made me smile. She told me that I could see a replacement person for a while if I needed to but I said that I would just wait until she was better again cause I’m real fussy about who I talk to. Her response:

“Yeah, and you have just about the best support network I’ve ever seen. I don’t actually worry about you.”

I like that even my therapist knows how much my friends rock.

Rob says…

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“‘The moon asked me to meet her in a field tonight,’ wrote mystic poet Hafiz (translated by Daniel Ladinsky). ‘I think she has amorous ideas.’ You might soon feel a similar suspicion, Virgo. According to my reading of the astrological omens, seductive offers will be coming your way, and not just from the moon. Secret suitors may emerge from the shadows. Temptations could lure you toward the far ends of your imagination. The sheer profusion of invitations you’ll receive might make you giddily agitated.”

This cracks me up because I’ve been hanging out on okcupid doing the quickmatch thing. It amuses me how often I get 1 star match ups. 🙂 But uhm–I didn’t actually think it would go anywhere. Maybe I should stop?

First question

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“My question is about your views on Home Schooling vs. Group Schooling. Why did you make your choice to educate in the home? Was this informed by your being a part of the Public School system?”

I have actually been pretty determined to home school as long as I have known I wanted to have children. So this choice predates my teaching experience. I formed my opinions largely as a result of my own experiences in school. I moved around a lot so I never really settled into one school system enough to “go with the flow”. I was always either ahead or behind everywhere I went. I got to see how many other people handled school though. I was always shocked by the people who were never given any individual attention by teachers–kids who weren’t stupid, but needed help. I watched the smart kids get bored. I watched the whole class get derailed by the behavior problems of one or two kids and no learning was allowed to happen. This always offended me on a deep level. I always felt *pissed off* when kids would disrupt the class so that I couldn’t learn. And there was nothing the education system was able to do to fix the problem.

As I grew up and talked to adults about how school worked for them when they were younger I have grown more and more appalled that the ‘smart kids’ just sort of floated through without ever being seriously challenged while the ‘dumb kids’ were never helped enough to allow them to really catch up. What is the point of spending 13 years in a classroom where your needs are never specifically addressed? I’m a damn smart cookie. I’m more than capable of teaching everything that a kid will see up through about 9th/10th grade. I can also do this in a way that is tailored to the needs of my kids so they can either move faster or slower *according to how they learn*. We can spend more time on projects. We can do more cross-curriculum focus. Once they start getting into the highest levels of math and science I am going to struggle, but luckily I believe in asking for help when you need it. Noah can cover any math we need and there is nothing wrong with starting to take classes at a JC at 13/14 if they really want to push into harder science than I can handle.

Then I became a teacher and was repeatedly told to keep pushing through curriculum no matter if I was really serving my students or not. The overwhelming anger I felt at knowing that I was becoming part of the problem is something that I can’t forget. It’s why I made kids come in after school if they weren’t getting stuff. It isn’t possible for me to spend individual time in class with 30 different kids. I don’t think teachers are awful for this–I know it isn’t physically possible. I blame the system. And instead of looking at my kids and trying to figure out who to blame for the gaps in their education I am going to step out of the game and say that the buck stops here. *I* will be the responsible party. I’m good with that.

Less volatile

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I’m tired. Bone weary. I am actually passing out in the middle of the day because I can’t stay awake. This Lizard-hatching business is bloody exhausting. Every day I am grateful that I quit my job. The ability to sleep through the afternoon is a priceless gift.

On good days I read, sleep, and eat. I’m really digging my life right now. (On bad days I have to run around and do a bunch of errands, luckily I don’t have to do that much.) My appointment with my midwife was canceled for this week cause her kidlet is sick. I doubt the next visit will be all earth-shattering anyway. Still trying to gain some weight. 🙂 It’s a nice job to have.

(The tree icon amuses me because I’ve been reading about different critics and their views of signifier/signified and what words actually *mean*. They all use tree as an example.)

In other news I was told to start doing kick counts to see if the babies activity level is going up or down at different points. The thing is–I’m supposed to count how long it takes to 10 kicks. When the kid is going nuts that takes 5-10 minutes. Then there will be nothing for hours. So if I look at a clock early in a tap-dancing session it’s over almost instantly. Or it might take hours. I’m not sure how helpful this metric actually is.

Wasting my degree.

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As I’m sitting down to read some Lacan (mofo is dense) I’m flashing back to a conversation I had last night which was like the 15th time I’ve had that conversation in the past few weeks. What do I want to do with my MA. Be a stay at home mom? But I will be wasting my degree!

*blink*

What the fuck is an MA in English supposed to be used for? Oh, teaching. Well, I know how much time and energy teaching takes and I think that energy would be better spent raising my kids. Oh! That makes me a traitor to feminism! Awesome. I hadn’t heard that feminism means having to tow the party line and work outside the home no matter what I want and no matter what is best for me and my children. I hadn’t realized that it is only ok to be a SAHM if I am uneducated and fit for nothing better. (Better? Is teaching better?) Although I have been assured that I could work at a variety of different jobs. It’s just a matter of finding the right one. But what if the right one for me is staying home with my kids? That’s not good enough.

I feel like asking people if it would make them happier if I just dropped out of school.

Mmmm drama

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Every so often I go through little periods where I get very upset about the fact that people are not honest. Noah takes it a little further and says they all lie. I like to stick with not-honest… it’s giving a bit more credence to their not meaning to do it. What I mean in this case is: people who say, “Oh, let’s hang out some time!” But then when you ask, and ask, and ask when they never want to see you. People who will say they are your friend, but then won’t act like a friend. People who deny the consequences of their behavior and say that “It isn’t my fault” when actually… it is your fault.

I go through cycles where I try to ignore this sort of stuff, but then every so often I get so fucking angry about it I can barely see straight. Usually by the time I get this mad I want to write off everyone in the whole universe. I hate people. Because even the people who are overall pretty decent still do stuff like this sometimes. People just don’t honor their word. I’m sure I’m not perfect about following through on everything, but I try really hard. And if I am not going to be able to do what I say I try not to say it. I don’t get the impression other people care as much.

It’s kind of funny, but when I go through these periods and I start thinking about the behavior of the people in my life I find that the people who actually behave like my friends are not the people one would automatically pick out of a crowd as my friend. They are the ones who show up when I ask them to and actually honor exactly as much of a commitment as they are willing to make. (People who are honest and say, “I would like to, but I can’t” get a lot of points with me because they are telling me the truth.)

I’d rather be told that someone isn’t my friend and deal with the sadness that brings than be lied to. Maybe I’m unique because it doesn’t seem like other people want to operate that way.

Baby Shower

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Bump–I think that there are a few people who would like to go to this who haven’t noticed. Maybe Monday morning is a better time. 🙂

My friend Sarah wants to host a baby shower for me. We are looking at April 12th. This post exists because I have no idea who would be interested in attending. This is one of those weird cultural right of passage things that I don’t think I understand the rules of. (Yeah yeah, dangling preposition.)

So basically–do you want to go? Sarah wants to do formal invitations (cause she’s that kind of girl) so this is one of those gasp mandatory RSVP events. I know–this will be tough for people. 🙂 You won’t even know where the event is unless you consciously opt-in. No evite and maybe/maybe not for you! 😛

I would love it if you told me that you want to come. It is more important that you tell Sarah. You need to email her your snail mail address (Sarah at techbrat dot com) by March 25th in order to receive an invitation. You then need to get off your butt and do the final RSVP thing by April 1st because Sarah is going through a lot of trouble and I don’t want her to be negatively impacted by flakeyness. Otay? 🙂

Dude. I’m not-so-secretly massively excited about this. I haven’t had one of these right-of-passage things before. yay!

(Oh, and don’t take being on this filter as pressure to go. If you don’t want to go that’s ok. I promise I won’t hate you forever.)

Baby Need/Wants

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Diaper situation:
I am interested in using cloth diapers. At this point in time trying to figure out exactly what that means is very confusing and befuddling. What would be awesome is if I get 1-2 of a bunch of different kinds of cloth diapers. I don’t know what is best or why they are best. I’ve read reviews but they are all so contradictory that it seems as if the real difference is in the preference of the baby you put it on. Here are some suggestions of where to start cause they seem neato. If you find something you think sounds neat that isn’t on my list, go ahead and get one if you want to. I’m not picky at this point. 🙂
http://www.tinytush.com/cloth_diaper_package_deals.htm (If people would like to go in on the diaper sample package that would rock.)
http://www.bumgenius.com/one-size.php
http://www.bumgenius.com/bamboo.php (in the newborn size this seems like the kind of thing I would like on my newborn ass. 🙂

cloth baby wipes–bamboo is my preference. It’s nice on the butt. 🙂 I don’t care about color. I’m also open to cloth wipes of other fabrics. I’m just not really interested in disposable.

Blankets:
At this point we don’t have much in the way of good baby blankets. I am not super picky as to cut/design. Honestly, my preference is for home made. One or two neato knitters are making them for me right now (yay!!) and I have a couple that students made. I’m looking forward to wrapping my baby in something that was consciously and deliberately made with love for me and my kiddo. That just makes me happy. So if you are crafty and have that kind of time, I would appreciate that even more than I would an expenditure of money.

So this is what this feels like.

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Someone I love very much is hurting. Lots of different things have hurt her. Mostly it is just existing that is hurting her. She doesn’t like herself very much and she doesn’t see why I adore her so much. She’s talking about not wanting to be here anymore. There’s not really anything I can say or do to make her stay if she really wants to go. But I don’t want her to go. I see such a beautiful, wonderful person who has the ability to do so many wondrous things with her life. I see so much power and strength in her. I wish I had the magic words to entreat her to stay.

This is probably how other people felt about me when I really didn’t want to be here anymore. I wish I understood what it was that eventually got me to stay. Maybe it was just knowing how much people were hurt when my brother and my father killed themselves, maybe that was enough. I don’t really want to share the knowledge with her of how bad that was. I don’t think I actually could.

I want a magic wand. I want to make things better. And I can’t. I feel so helpless.

Cause I feel like it.

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Despite my reputation for embracing confrontation, I am sometimes a wimp.

1. I’m mad at you. I’m not mad at you because your statement was completely wrong, because it isn’t completely wrong. I’m mad because it feels manifestly unfair of you to throw that rock while sitting in a glass house when I don’t want to hurt *your* feelings.
2. Thank you for thanking me. It was really nice to be validated.
3. I want to call and I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to rebuild this bridge. I suck. I’m sorry.
4. Maybe it’s time to move on? Are you really being served by what is happening in your life?
5. I wish you would stop pretending you were my friend. That way I could let go of hope that you will be. You don’t act like my friend. Continuing to hope hurts a lot.
6. I find it odd that you pay so much attention to him still. What would you like to get out of your random public statements that are clearly directed at him?
7. I’m proud of you. You’ve worked so hard to fight these demons. It’s a big deal. You are wonderful.
8. Sometimes I get very frustrated with you. Don’t take it overly personally, I get very frustrated with the whole world. 🙂
9. I wish you would call more. I miss you and it bothers me that you don’t respond to me trying to contact you.
10. It’s been good to talk to you. It’s sad that it has taken so long and that I am leaving so soon.

Talked to mommy again

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Her surgery was postponed so I didn’t get to find out about that. We gabbed about all kinds of baby related stuff. Apparently in several of her pregnancies she only gained 12-15 lbs so I’m feeling a lot more secure in not gaining a lot of weight. 🙂 She had decent sized (all in the 7-8 lb range), healthy babies who were all born on the early-ish side. We discussed her difficulties with breast feeding and how they seem to be really common in the family. Good to be forewarned.

We also talked about some random frustrating things happening in my life and I mentioned that being direct seems to have helped the problem and she said, “Well, it usually does.” I said, “With that as the segue…” Of course she said, “Uh oh, what did I do?” She is very paranoid. I told her that I got very nervous when during the last phone call she mentioned selling her house so she would be able to move. We talked about why she wants to do it. She bought this house so she could be close to Jimmy and his kids. It’s a small town and it is a nightmare commute to where she works. She feels reminded all the time of the loss of the kidlets. She said she has no interest in ever living in a place where it snows. I told her that it is probably for the best. She is kind of sad that I don’t want her to move with me, but she agrees that we get along much better with more distance and that it would probably kill our relationship if she followed me. I don’t think she likes agreeing with that statement, but she knows I am right.

Is good. Now I can stop being nervous about that one. She is going to try and come up here for a visit before her disability leave ends because she would like to see me pregnant. I told her that would be ok. I think it would be ok because she would mostly see Aunt Vonnie and getting a little bit of Mommy-attention is nice.

Much better conversation. Kid in the picture is Jimmy’s oldest son, Koby. I wonder if I will ever see him again.

Interesting.

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One good thing about growing up is: I am starting to be able to step back from situations and recognize how people are responding in ways that are totally typical for them and their reaction has very little to do with whatever stimulus is put in front of them. Some people stop and think, “Ok, what could this mean?” and some people get upset. It’s very interesting.

So, this quote: “The problem with women is that they are not as pathetically grateful for everything you give them as men,” came out of a conversation I had with Noah. It was him mocking me. We were talking about the topping issue and I was specifically listing people and situations that have worked out well for casual play/sex and situations where I have had lots of issues. At one point I was speaking in sweeping generalities (as I am wont to do when really upset) and he snapped that line at me. I had to stop and think about that. It was a really interesting thought provoking thing for me. I stopped and thought about it in terms of a lot of different things in my life. I started thinking of all of my lovely chick-privilege. I started thinking about how men and women are allowed to act in society. Of course there are ways in which women grovel/are more grateful than men and lots of the degrees of this sort of thing are person dependent regardless of sex/gender.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I take for granted where Noah has to be grateful he gets it, if he gets it at all. There’s a lot more of it than first blush made me recognize. The people who thought “sex” first were certainly starting in the right place (and DSH–men are generally *very* grateful for sex, more will admit it than not in my experience) but I think it goes past that.

I don’t really think that, “The problem with women is that they are not as pathetically grateful for everything you give them as men.” But I do think that the statement is harsh and abrasive and makes me stop and think about sex/gender relations. Maybe some of my friends who don’t appreciate sweeping generalizations can be kick-started into thinking about things easier than I can. I need to be smacked in the fact in order to realize where I’m taking things for granted and not looking at my assumptions.