Category Archives: Uncategorized

Looking at options.

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On day four of being so sick that getting out of bed is entirely unreasonable…

I need to reduce stress in my life. This pregnancy is kicking my ass and then some. What can I do to reduce stress though? Have I ever had a reduced stress life? What does that look like?

Selling the house is a very passive sort of background stress that I don’t think I can change. The house will stop being “staged” this week sometime. Have I mentioned how much I am looking forward to it? It’s not like I can start living like a slob, but I can leave towels in the bathroom. Hooray!

I need to finish these two classes for my degree. It’s not really an option to put them off.

However, the two exams left for my degree (language proficiency and general comprehensive knowledge of literature) *can* be put off. I can’t graduate this year no matter what. (I wasn’t enrolled early enough to file for candidacy anyway.) So if I take those two exams next year then I have a lot more time to study and a lot less on my plate in the next 7 weeks. Trying to be fully ready for the exams in the next 7 weeks would probably result in a lot of anxiety, stress, and sleep less nights. I don’t think the Lizard is up for it.

Other than two classes and selling the house all I have to deal with are baby prep classes, midwife visits (every two weeks now), therapy, pictures with Chris, and acupuncture. Alright, there is still a bunch of driving around, but it isn’t super stressful driving around…

Wow. Ok, maybe my life is lower stress now. I don’t think I recall having this little to do since oh… 2003?

Book recommendation

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I just finished Herland for class. I rarely really enjoy mandatory reading, but I loved this book. It is a feminist, less satirical, version of Utopia. It is a very interesting view on what would happen if a society grew lacking all men. How would women change. How would society change. It’s very interesting. Of course the book is more than a little misandrist, but given that it was written in 1860 I’m not surprised that the author is a bit hostile to men. The author, Charlotte Perkins Gilman, wrote my favorite short story of all time–“The Yellow Wallpaper” which is short and out of copyright so easily found on the web. If you have any interest in cultural development I highly recommend this book. It’s neato.

My favorite section from the book is about religion:
“You see, we are not accustomed to horrible ideas,” she said, coming back to me rather apologetically. “We haven’t any. And when we get a thing like that into our minds it’s like–oh, like red pepper in your eyes. So I just ran to her, blinded and almost screaming, and she took it out so quickly–so easily!”
“How?” I asked, very curious.
“Why, you blessed child,’ she said, ‘you’ve got the wrong idea altogether. You do not have to think that there ever was such a God–for there wasn’t. Or such a happening–for there wasn’t. Nor even that this hideous false idea was believed by anybody. But only this–that people who are utterly ignorant will believe anything–which you certainly knew before.’
“Anyhow,’ pursued Ellador, ‘she turned pale for a minute when I first said it.”
This was a lesson to me. NO wonder this whole nation of women was peaceful and sweet in expression–they had no horrible ideas.
“Surely you had some when you began,” I suggested.
“Oh yes, no doubt. But as soon as our religion grew to any height at all we left them out, of course.”
From this, as from many other things, I grew to see what I finally put in words.
“Have you no respect for the past? For what was thought and believed by your foremothers?”
“Why, no,” she said. “Why should we? They are all gone. They knew less than we do. If we are not beyond them, we are unworthy of them–and unworthy of the children who must go beyond us.”

Very interesting reading…

Very odd.

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This morning I woke up to see a twitter post about how there was a Jonathan Coulton concert last night. I did not know yesterday there was going to be a concert last night. Yet, in my dream there was a Jonathan Coulton concert and all of my friends were going and I wasn’t allowed to have a ticket. Everyone stood on the balcony and jeered me.

How very odd.

Bummer.

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Yesterday Noah was ultra-poopy-feeling and I was mildly poopy feeling. Today he is mostly ok and I feel absolutely awful. And as a result I feel angsty and whiny and fussy. The internet is not doing sufficient tricks.

So, tell me a story? Could be funny/silly/random/sad/deep/superficial, whatever you are in the mood for. I just wanna feel like people will do the pat on the head thing when I feel icki and Noah is off doing that work thing. 🙁

yuck

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My baby is curled up on the couch sleeping. He’s got a fever. He is generally feeling poopy. I have a cough. I feel kind of dizzy and out of it. No fever though.

Talked to my mommy. Uhm–can I just say that her dropping in the conversation casually that she is selling her mobile home so that she will have the ability to move “Wherever they transfer her” bothers me? She moved down there to be near my brother and his kids. She’s pretty desolate now that she isn’t allowed contact with them. My aunt told me that me having a child is the reason my mom hasn’t killed herself in the past few months because she really was hitting bottom. Oh god. Our relationship is better than it was, but I think that her following us out of state would harm our relationship and not help it.

Of course, I can’t tell her hell-fucking-no right now because she fell off a ladder at work and shattered her shoulder and fucked up her hand really badly. She’s really loopy and out of it on meds. She is having surgery next week. Not a good time to also destroy her hopes and dreams. I’ll wait till she is feeling better to do that. 🙁

Ahhhh man….

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Well, let me proudly display my gold metal. I won an argument on the internet. Person who said I was bashing people backed down really fast when I went through point by point giving background explanation.

I joined a mailing list for an argument and I only got in one round? Dangit. Oh well. Guess I’ll have to give up being fussy on that one. 🙂

The Lizard

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Went to the midwife today. Uhm, only two weeks late. I’m measuring at 30 weeks. Uhm, I’m only 26 weeks. Looks like I may be getting another ultrasound cause this kidlet may be bigger than earlier believed. It’s important to have as accurate as possible of a due date because if the kid comes more than two weeks early then it is a mandatory hospital birth. 🙁 So! If my due date is really a week or so earlier than I think right now then I should hurry the freak up and get stuff done at school.

The head is down. Heartbeat is still way fast (girl?). She wants me to start eating food 4-5 times a day. She’s not thrilled that I’m not eating much. But I’m not hungry. I’m up about 7 pounds. I’m three days away from the third trimester.

Have I mentioned that the Lizard has/had the hiccups? It feels neat. I was wondering what that feeling was…

Ye olde intarweb tells me that at 26 weeks:
By this week, your baby’s crown-to-rump length is approximately 9.2 inches. Remember, that is only from the top of his head to his bottom and does not include his leg measurements! Your baby weighs almost 2 pounds and is beginning to put on weight. Your uterus is about 2.5 inches above your bellybutton and you will continue to grow approximately 1 cm each week. If you have been eating a well-balanced diet, you probably have gained about 16-22 pounds so far. Because your baby has moved further up, you may get occasional pain underneath your ribs.
After a month of having his eyelids sealed shut, your baby begins to open his eyes again this week. Your baby’s eyes are almost completely developed. Your baby’s eyes are blue in the womb and may change colors later in life. This is true for all races because the pupils do not have their final color until a few months after birth. However, some babies are born with darker or lighter shades of blue. Your growing baby will continue to put on layers of fat until he is born. He is still lean at this point of the pregnancy though. By the time your baby is born, he will assume the typical newborn’s plumpness. Your baby’s skin will still be wrinkled and red, but the fat continues to fill the skin out.

Finger and toe nails continue to grow.

Blood vessels start to develop in the lungs to prepare the baby for life outside the uterus.

Your baby’s blood circulation is completely functional. The umbilical cord system continues to grow and thicken as blood travels with considerable force through the body to nurture the baby. The placenta is now almost equal in size to the baby.

Even though it is still way too soon for your baby to be born yet, the chance of survival without severe abnormalities is now 70% provided it is born in a hospital.

[x-posted] TNG4 wrap up

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(I posted this around a few places. I find it amusing that I am posting it publicly in other places and behind a filter on my journal. Silly students.)

TNG4 was this last weekend and it was pretty dang awesome. Now that it is over I can confess to my serious trepidation surrounding the event. I have never been a real gung-ho member of a TNG group and I was concerned about us pulling this off. We had about 100 people throughout the weekend and that felt pretty perfect. Some of the classes were so full that we would not have been able to put more bodies in the room anyway so it is better that we didn’t have people who were frustrated by inability to attend the class of their preference.

The con was attended by people from all over the country. I was a little bit surprised by the low local turnout, but I got to meet lots of cool new people this way so I’m not complaining. It turned into a LLC-TNG light because this con was primarily TNG group leaders from across the country. I got to see a lot of new-to-me presenters, some of whom haven’t taught much anywhere yet. I highly recommend all of the presenters we had. If any local class organizers want contact information for them I will happily hand it out because I saw some of the best classes I have ever seen at this event. I’m kind of jaded and cynical about classes because I have seen a lot, but I was pleasantly surprised repeatedly all weekend. For the record, we had (in no particular order): Zuchtiger (Ohio), Sir Michael (New Jersey), Jae Januze (Colorado), Rita Seagrave (Ohio), Coral Mallow (Oregon), Tim (DC), Boymeat (NYC), Mr. Michael (Kentucky), Lee Harrington (Maryland), Jen and Pepper Mint (SF), Madame Lark (Humboldt), Cygnet (SF), Ryan (Oregon), Psychokitty (SF), and Rae Goldman (SF).

Personally I got a lot out of this event that I didn’t expect to get out of it. There was a lot of sitting around discussing why TNG groups exist. Given my own mixed feelings on this topic it was really neat to hear from the leaders of the TNG community why they started groups, why they think groups should happen, what the reception is like in different parts of the country, and how each of us individually have/have not benefited from TNG groups. Many of the answers surprised me. A number of people (including myself) were pretty open about the fact that we don’t get involved with TNG groups for personal support–we do it to encourage other people to feel more comfortable. It was nice to be able to hear at least a little open acknowledgment that we mostly know that TNG stuff is ageist, but so is the rest of society so we don’t feel too bad. Given how prevalent the attitude is among older members of the community that obviously the young’uns need to learn from their elders because the young’uns don’t know shit–no wonder we want to go do our own thing. Actually, we know a lot. And it was nice to see that focused on this weekend. Now that I have seen it demonstrated so clearly how much this particular little group knows I want to share that with the community at large because I’m not much of a separatist in general.

I’ve never been a leader in the TNG community and I doubt I will start now, but this was a good experience and now that it is over I’m glad I helped organize this event. I hear that Dallas is talking about hosting TNG 5. I’ve gone to 2/4 of the events so far and Boymeat isn’t going to any more so maybe I should make the next two just so I can tell him that I’ve been to as many as him. 🙂

Lenora

PS–I would be thrilled if this was cross posted elsewhere. If people have any feedback they want to give me directly, feel free to send me email at: boot_slut AT bigrock DOT com

{dirtier} Surprisingly good

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I played! Three times! Noah and I had a pretty good scene on Saturday that didn’t end spectacularly well because my stomach decided I was Done. Now. 🙁 Other than my body sucking it was good. Noah is hot. Then on Sunday I played with 2 (two) girls. One tied me up and the other wanted me to play with her girly bits. So I spent a lot of time introducing her to the wonders of girl-on-girl sex. I haven’t played with a bicurious girl in a long time. I will confess that I am not-so-secretly grateful that I ended my monogamy streak. I’ve felt very bizarre and angsty about not being desired and *that* fear is gone. I think she will be calling me back as well. 🙂

The con was really awesome. I had fun. The classes went pretty fucking well except for one hitch that was the result of a mistake. It was recovered from and no harm was done. People complimented me/us over and over. I’m pretty sure we made all the money we needed to make. Yay!!!

We win!!

Now we sleep.

Day one: survived.

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I’m tired. I’m tired how I usually am after several days of really serious sleep deprivation and that is just not the case. The Lizard is draining the life out of me. I’m going to find a way to come in a little later tomorrow or I may not make it till Monday.

It is going well so far. 60/over 100 people showed up last night and enjoyed the first night. It was a good crowd. It was awesome getting to see people I don’t see often. Cons always remind me that no–really I’m part of this extended community. It’s really cool.

Two sucky things though. Miss Bre got sick and can’t be here. Miss Julia is not here. Julia has been at most of the cons I have been at in the past few years and I miss her fiercely. *sigh* Can’t have everything I want. But really, if the absence of these two is the worst stuff about the con, I will get through. 🙂

Just another day in paradise.

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Our only concession to VD was to give one another silly cards. Technically, I do this randomly sometimes so it isn’t that big of a stretch. He did bring home flowers, but…. he does that every so often too. (I REALLY like getting flowers, so he probably does it in the neighborhood of once a month.)

We had pizza bites for dinner. I made brownies so we had brownies a la mode for dessert. We danced around the living room when silly music came on. I won my first game of Monopoly ever!!! (I’m kind of excited about this. I *always* lose.)

It’s probably time to call it a night so we can rest up for the long, long, long……. weekend. 🙂 Hope to see lots of people this weekend! Maybe I’ll even be in a good mood! Offer me food. 🙂 I like chips and chocolate right now. 🙂

Clucking Chickens

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I’m not going to be nice for a few minutes–try to contain your shock.

There is something that has always bothered me about being an English major. I can’t tell if it is worse in grad school or not. It is certainly more noticeable in grad school.

The makeup of the department (student-wise) is: a few guys, a few older women, and the clucking chickens. The clucking chickens are generally on the younger side in at least behavior and usually in age as well. These are the (mostly white) girls who are studying English because it is a genteel, proper, middle-class sort of thing to study. I can’t tell what most of them want to *do* with the degree. Some of them want to be teachers because it is a genteel sort of occupation. It is really fucking obvious that many of them consider teaching a reasonable thing to do before they get married. (*cough* I’m going to sit in my glass house and enjoy the weather now.)

But the point is that sitting in class with these chicks is often painful. They don’t talk, they squee in high pitched voices about, “OHMYGOD THE CRUISE I AM GOING ON THIS SUMMER IS GOING TO BE SO COOL SO I AM GOING TO THE GYM SEVEN DAYS A WEEK SO I CAN LOOK GOOD IN A BIKINI AND OHMYGOD I’M TOTALLY GOING TO STARVE MYSELF FOR A WEEK BEFORE THE CRUISE BECAUSE THAT WAY I CAN HAVE WAY TOO MUCH ALCOHOL AND NOT LOOK LIKE A BLOATED COW AND…” I don’t think they ever pause for breath. They make me twitch. (This was a conversation I had no choice but to listen to this week.) The room is generally divided into the silent half (the guys, the older women, and uhm… me) and the way-too-talkative half. The clucking chickens also have side conversations while the teacher is talking and that drives me batshit insane. It is so rude. I think this would bother me less if they were actually stupid, but they aren’t. They have interesting and insightful things to say during class. Why do they have to mix it with being the worst stereotypes of females possible?

*sigh*

Yay productive and House Guest Information

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Today I have done a bunch of reading. For the record: Northrop Frye may have one or two points that are interesting, but in the main he is a twat. The other critics I read today bothered me far less. I have also folded the laundry, made the bed (Arbus–I don’t know why you like making the bed, I hate it), cleaned up the kitchen after a weekend of use, and did a bunch of random picking up to allow the house to once again look “staged”–aka, boring. I’m all proud of me.

I have also been thinking about how I want to do more actual cleaning this week, partially in preparation for the open houses next weekend and partially because we will have a fabulous house guest. Very excited about hosting Brehen. 🙂

Which brings me to my point about house guests. I have had a number of people (it’s got to be close to 20 at this point) mention coming to visit us in Pittsburgh. This is awesome, wonderful, thrilling news for me to hear–but it also freaks me out and terrifies me. I’ll explain why. I am massively territorial about my space. I want things to be set exactly so, cleaned exactly so, and I want to feel like *I* have more history in my space than anyone else. This leads to all kinds of weird things about guests in my house in general. It’s part of the reason that I freak out about hosting events. I have slowly been coming to understand the depth and breadth of my neurosis on this topic as time goes by and more people want me to host parties/weekend stays/etc. I am not complaining about people wanting to visit me or stay with me or what have you. Really, I’m not. What I am saying is that in order for me to feel fully comfortable with that I need to be respectful of my own needs for boundaries.

Which brings me to the blunt part. I don’t want to host anyone for an entire weekend for the first six months we live in Pittsburgh. I may make an exception if there is some kind of emergency situation–but it would take something pretty damn extreme. I know that sounds like a long time, but it probably won’t feel that way to me. I want to settle in to my house slowly and feel like there is no pressure around needing to entertain anyone. I will also be settling into seeing how things work with the Lizard because if things go according to plan, the end of the six month period will mean the Lizard is only about eight months old. After that six month period I will probably be missing people like mad and I will be begging people to come stay with me. It’s just very important to me that I have it. I’ve told a number of people this individually, but I think that a couple of people felt like it was a personal rejection and it really isn’t. If I don’t want *you* to come stay with me ever I’ll bloody well tell you that. 🙂

So if you tell me “I want to come visit you” anytime soon I may cringe and say “Not until spring.”

Oh… unless you mean coming to stay at the Disaster House. Feel free to ask for that. I have all kinds of feelings about this house that mean I am not real attached to who stays here. 🙂

Stir crazy

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I think I am starting to have cabin fever. I went from a job where I saw at least 100 people a day to not interacting with anyone but Noah for days on end. I really like Noah, don’t get me wrong, but I can tell that I am wearing him out. I need too much attention. The problem is, I don’t really know what to do about it. I have tried scheduling dinner with someone and due to her having a severely impacted schedule and me having a few random things on my schedule (I’m busy 2, maybe 3 nights in a week) I’m not seeing her till the 29th. That isn’t feeling helpful at the moment. I don’t feel comfortable asking people to do things for some reason. All of the more ‘drop in’ social events don’t seem like a good idea. My friends groups revolve around dancing, sex, or drinking… none of which I am particularly up for at the moment. It doesn’t help that the idea of going to someone’s event means driving for a really long time so I can sit in the corner at the event and not really talk to people. I’ve noticed that most social events I only know 20%-30% of the people there and I am just not up for the emotional pull of trying to be outgoing and charming. That is hard for me. I’m not good at it.

It doesn’t help that by the time I hit the point where I am I am so completely overwhelmed by the base amount of effort of going out that I can’t bring myself to ask for help or for someone to met me halfway. I don’t have the energy for lots of effort and I don’t know how to have any other kind of interactions with people.

Maternity clothes

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It is starting to warm up a little and I am completely sick of wearing stretch pants and t-shirts every single damn day. Maternity jeans are not terribly comfortable. I want dresses. Before you tell me ebay–I’ve looked. I don’t like the selection in my size. Which means I am looking around online because every store I walk in to has 2-3 dresses and they’re ugly. I have a pretty good idea of what styles/cuts work on my frame but I’m having trouble justifying this outrageous cost to myself. Yet… dude. Some of these are damn cute.

Thoughts?

Dress #1 (Versatile and cute)
Dress #2 (So my style)
Dress #3
Dress #4 (Mouse over to see the other color)

Just noticing

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I met Noah just shy of four years ago. (It’ll be four years in another week or so.) He asked me to marry him ~ 23 months ago, so close enough to two years. Besides, even that time period where I wasn’t dating him I was still obsessed with him and writing g-blog entries about how in love with him I was.

I’m still giddy when I see him. I pine for him if he works too long on a given day. We still talk for hours and hours and hours about nothing at all. Pregnancy complications aside, I’m still madly in lust with him.

Is this still NRE? Or is this just our relationship? I don’t take him for granted. I’m soooooooo grateful that I have him.

I win.