Lack of sleep catches up with me and leads to feeling really really shitty. Today’s bad loop tape: all the people who hate me.
I wish there weren’t so many of them. I wish I didn’t feel so responsible for them hating me. I wish I didn’t feel like they hate me because I am just such a horrible/bad person and I deserve to be hated.
So little time and so much to do. I actually do this sort of thing to myself on purpose. Many of the things on my To Do list have been there for months, but I only get around to doing them when I have a huge bunch of people who will notice if I have done them or not. The funny thing is–people will notice the really drastic stuff (the house being painted a bunch of very different, very dark colors) but no one but me will notice many of these things. I still care that I want to hang the pictures before the party. I want to feel settled in that way at the party. There is no way that we will be finished with painting before the party, but Noah has requested that I fix the bathroom because it is really badly painted. (The kids just skipped parts they didn’t feel like doing. The paint is incredibly uneven and you can see white wall through big chunks.) Looks like I will spend tomorrow doing that.
Noah told me last night that I should take today off and rest but I fiercely argued with him that if I take today off and I start running behind later in the week then I won’t be able to finish on time and then I will be not sleeping the nights before the event as I try to finish and… All bad. But then we didn’t get out of bed today until around 10. It is very rare for us to stay in bed so long. I’m exhausted and there aren’t very many parts of me that don’t hurt. I have a list of stuff to get done that is growing instead of getting shorter despite the fact that Noah rocks and has been working like mad.
Side bar–Noah and I don’t have the same values or priorities about housekeeping even slightly. Nevertheless he has been working very hard lately to meet and exceed my desires for our house. I’m deeply grateful that he is stretching himself in this way because it means I don’t have to do everything. It is a weird cognitive thing to wrap my head around that he is doing this stuff for *me* instead of just because it “should get done.” He is such a lovely boy.
Anyway, so I’m exhausted and grumpy and fussy and there are miles to go before I sleep.
that all of my significant ex’s are coming to the reception. Stephen, Tom, and Puppy represent the serious long-term relationships where we lived together and were monogamous. Then I have James, Anthony, and Erik representing the shorter term more serious attempts at poly. Then there are the myriad of people I dated/slept with who are coming.
The less funny part is that not many of Noah’s ex’s are coming. Uhm, I mean one is coming. Yeah. See, my ex’s are all non-drama and friendly and good-natured about just about any/every thing. Noah’s ex’s…. not so much. Of course I feel guilty anyway. (Not every single one of his ex’s are drama, but the ones who aren’t drama either don’t want to come to our house or aren’t interested in this event or aren’t in the area.)
I haven’t hosted a party this size in… well… ever. I’m getting nervous.
After my stressing and freaking out, the house is painted. It isn’t painted *well*, but I had high school students doing it, some of whom had never painted before. They made more of a mess on my carpet than I am thrilled about. But you know what? It’s freaking painted. I need to go back through and do a lot of touching up and I’m good with that. I can handle that. I’m still overall happy the kids came and did so much work.
I’m waiting a few days before I put furniture back and it will be longer still before the bathroom is actually perfect, such is life. Hopefully I will manage the rest of the touch ups and finish the cabinets on Sunday. Holding my breath would be a bad idea though. I have just seven days left till the reception. Sunday will be insanely busy, but I think I can do this.
Today I had one kid and my former boss come help me. I’m uhm… getting somewhat nervous again. However, I’m choosing to not freak. I will have a minimum of two kids tomorrow and my former boss. I have promises of three other kids, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m not 100% certain we will finish tomorrow, but at the very least we will get quite close. The kitchen is going to be the most suckful room. The living room and hallway are done and a really neato shade of purple.
Have I mentioned that it rocks that my husband is happy to let me paint the house cool colors? Yay!
Shower folks: will be calling ’round tomorrow. 🙂
As of Monday I was ready to cry because only one kid showed up and I was terrified that we would never get even close to my schedule. On Tuesday four kids came and it turns out that one of the parents of one of the kids has a paint spray machine that he will let me borrow. So we got all of the hole filling and wall washing done and we can do all of the primer today in about two hours. Then we can do all of the painting on Thursday. And me and one kid will be doing that bit while another kid does the bathroom and two or three kids work in the kitchen. Did I mention there will be one to two more kids doing yardwork today and tomorrow? I’m terribly excited. We are so going to finish on time.
However, this means we are sleeping in a tent in the back yard for a few days because the spray machine requires so much fucking plastic wrap over everything it’s just not funny. We also shouldn’t use the shower because the paint in there requires drying before it is water resistent. I’ll deal with smelling funny for a day or two, but it seems impolite to go be social on Saturday without a shower. Does anyone have a shower they are willing to let Noah and I come use on Saturday morning? We could just go to 24 hour fitness, but this gives us the mixed excuse of maybe grabbing breakfast with someone. 🙂
I do declare that the gods of Home Depot hate me. But! I do finally have paint and all necessary equipment to start painting my house. I have about 10 days in which to paint my house and get completely ready for the reception. I can do this. I painted each room in Tom’s house, by myself, in a day. I have 4-6ish students who will be here helping me. No sweat.
The plan:
Monday- do all of the pre-painting stuff (cleaning walls, removing blinds/outlets, fixing drywall, filling holes) with maybe doing some primer, but it isn’t mandatory it would just be nice. The last hour or so of kids being here will involve at least one or two of them doing a bunch of yard work so we can fill the green waste bin for this week before filling it again next week.
Tuesday- primer the whole house and do more yard work.
Wednesday- paint at least half the house and maybe yard work (depends on painting).
Thursday- paint the last bits of most of the house with probably some kitchen stuff remaining.
Friday- finish the kitchen and do yard work.
This way, if I slip I will be slipping with time on the weekend and next week to finish. I don’t think I will slip much with the painting, if anything the yard work will get pushed back. That way next week will be spent getting the house in perfect order before the party. I can do this. I can so do this.
Because I realize that a long explanation isn’t going to happen. I had (mostly) an exceptionally good time. I loved getting to see people I haven’t seen in a long while. I had some really intense personal conversations with some of the most inspirational and fabulous women I have ever met. I enjoyed most of the drive through pretty country, eventually I did get bored though. I got to show Noah around Portland and Seattle a little which was really neat because I have always thought of them as Tom-places and now I realize that they are me-places too. That was a nice feeling. That was partially nice because it helped me step back a bit from a bit of my baggage around Noah sharing things with me he has shared with other people and that is persepctive I really need.
It was a good trip north. The only thing that was consistently a little hard was that from when Noah arrived we never had a good night’s sleep. Various things were a problem every night and that was totally suckful. Which means that by the time we got to the camping/backpacking part of the trip we were already very sore and sleep deprived. I need good, consistent, quality sleep or I am just not really a good person to be around. I know this about myself and I try very hard to ensure this need is met. I’m quite sad that it became a problem on this trip. So we hiked out about two miles (a very solid uphill the first mile then down hill the second mile) in the heat when we were already sore and uncomfortable in general. We were actually having fun talking about how each of us is the other’s favorite person to hate backpacking with ever. We camped next to a very pretty lake that night and had fun playing at camping stuff before the sun went down. But the next morning he noticed that my attitude had taken a turn for the worse mainly because my entire body hurt. We decided to just go home so we could sleep in our comfortable bed. Oh my god is this bed awesome.
And so, we came home and have been doing house work and spending lots of good quality mellow time together. Last night we went out for a ridiculously decadent evening with some of our very favorite people. It’s been a lovely little vacation.
Maybe someday I will get around to telling ya’ll about the white trash Mondavi commercial, but then again… maybe not. 🙂
I made Noah come with oral sex! … Wait, you say so what? No no no…. you don’t understand. Noah is one of those, “I don’t come from oral sex” people. The kind who says, “It’s happened a few times ever but those times were flukes and there isn’t much point in trying.” Well, HA! I’ve totally been paying attention and playing with technique and it worked! I did it!
I am no longer inferior!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
And now I go off to therapy where my therapist will congratulate me for overcoming this obstacle. (Dude, it’s kind of sad how much time in therapy has been spent talking about how pathetic I have felt for being inferior in this area.)
http://www.shnsf.com/shows/show.asp?key=18&subkey=664 is a link that will hopefully work to direct you to the website. I would really like to see this show in SF and I’m hoping to arrange a group outing. Anyone have a date that works best? I would quite cheerfully buy a block of seats if people can commit to going…
August 7-September 2
Tue – Sat eves at 8pm
Wed, Sat and Sun mats at 2pm
I have the best husband ever. He dotes on me and loves me and treats me very well. That said…
I have a hard time not liking people. When I dislike someone or feel angry at them I tend to feel intense, overwhelming guilt so strong it sometimes almost chokes me. I don’t feel like it is ok for me to dislike or, worse yet, hate anyone. There are people in this world who have given me good reason to dislike/hate them and yet… when I experience those emotions I generally end up crying and feeling like I am a terrible person for feeling that way. What is interesting is that I know I have wronged people in my life–I’m no ones idea of perfect–but the people I have the strongest negative reactions to aren’t people I have seriously wronged. It seems as though the people who have given me the most reason to dislike them are people I have never done anything to or at least I don’t feel that I have done anything to them. There are always people who feel I have wronged them merely by existing. I’m never entirely sure what to do about that. Would they really feel better if I killed myself? It isn’t really an option at this point since I promised Noah I wouldn’t during a particularly bad spell a while ago.
Yet there are still these feelings. It would be easier if I could just excise these people from my life entirely, but I can’t. So here I am left with my frustration and anger and sadness that I am such a bad person that I hate other people. These negative feelings sort of seep out into other parts of my life in sucky ways. Whenever I have cause to think about the people I particularly dislike I tend to feel like I am just a terrible, awful person for hours if not days. But I can’t really make them go away. And I can’t avoid the people unless I just drop some of the people I want to have in my life.
So… yeah. Something was triggery earlier today and I haven’t been able to ditch the funk. Despite just being back from vacation with my wonderful husband where we had lots of fun and saw many friends. Despite hiding from the heat in Chevy’s with margarita’s and then watching *two* movies in one day. Sometimes I hate my brain.
I haven’t caught up on LJ, but this seems a good thing for the Californicators to see:
Pacific Gas & Electric Co., our utility provider, has informed us that Thursday, July 5, 2007 will be a Heat Alert Day. What this means is electricity and gas costs hourly will increase significantly between the times of 12:00pm and 6:00pm tomorrow. Please shutdown and turn off any unnecessary appliance or equipment during this time period. If you can reduce or shutdown the A/C unit, please do so.
So… what can you turn off? 🙂
We are totally going to the movies. And then maybe out to have drinks. Then maybe back for another movie.
Oh! BTW, we’re home. I’ll tell you about wussing out later. 🙂
There are days when not killing someone is an accomplishment.
Cause they have wifi at the rest stops. This so rocks. 🙂
I got to see a wonderful, gorgeous woman last night and talk to her for hours. I have lots of appreciation for such rare visits. Tonight I get to see *another* wonderful, gorgeous woman. My life–it does not suck. 🙂
Much missing of my Noah. Much thinking and smiling and enjoying the beautiful road. I am taking 101 all the way north instead of cutting over to 5 early on cause it’s prettier. There are still a bunch of Portland and Seattle folks I haven’t heard from so it looks like a bunch of this trip may consist of hanging out in random public places in Portland showing Noah around. I hope my memory is up to the task…
Today I run away from home. I’m going north. I’m only go to be there for three days before Noah joins me. I think that is for the best because more than three days and we are pretty pathetic. I look forward to the time I am going to have with friends. I look forward to taking Noah on his first backpacking trip. I look forward to showing him Portland and Seattle as I feel very comfortable in both towns. Look! Stuff he hasn’t done! Squee! Maybe feeling consciously the things I am sharing will make me feel less twitchy about the stuff that he shares. Here’s to hope!
I will be back though. California, and specifically the bay area, is home. But running away from home can be fun at times.
Alright. It’s done. I’ve freakin registered. We are registered at Target and at Crate and Barrel. Target has stuff that is more day-to-day useful and C&B has the perty stuff I would really like to have, but will probably never buy for myself because I am too practical.
I would like to say at this exact moment that I am not expecting anyone to buy us anything. I registered because people have been pressuring me to do so. I have a strong dislike of the societal rules that dictate that we should expect gifts just because we were foolish enough to get married. The entire gift giving culture is one I have a hard time with. I love to give presents; it makes me happy to see people enjoy the things I give them. However, when I give someone a present it is 99.99% of the time with no expectation of reciprication or of particular acknowledgment. (I expect Noah to give me Christmas present–but he and I are clear on that so I’m ok with that exception to the normal rule.) I believe that Thank You notes are neat things that are fun to give/get sometimes but should in no way be mandatory. I was not brought up in a family where such things were standard and I have been shocked as an adult by the number of people who have told me that I am rude for not sending them. ?! Wait–aren’t *you* the rude one for rebuking me for the behavior based on my culture?!
So I will say this: I made gift registries because I know that giving presents feels good. However, keep in mind that your culture around gift exchange and my culture around gift exchange may be very different. If it is important to you to get a thank you card, tell me and I will make an effort in that direction for you because I make efforts to accomodate/appreciate my friends as they most appreciate. DO NOT EXPECT ONE AS A MATTER OF COURSE. That custom is not part of my life. If you will feel like I am ungrateful/unappreciative if I do not respond in a certain way, just don’t give me a fucking present because I don’t need more guilt in my life.
(Oh: event date is July 21, 2007. If you don’t know the last name ask me.)
I think that: http://www.nps.gov/lavo/index.htm looks like a lovely place to go spend our honeymoon. 🙂
*bounce*
This may offend you. I’m kind of rambling and trying to figure out my own judgments about a bunch of different societal things around weight. If you think you are likely to be offended, just don’t read it–please.
I slept for just shy of 10 hours last night. That is highly unusual for me. Normally I wake up around 7 1/2 hours. I think I am making up for the school year.
I’m reading a lot, both on the internet and actual books. It feels really nice to not be pressured or on a deadline.
My lovely husband rocks so hard. He came home from work last night and did most of the work to make dinner. Then we had a fabulous date night. I married the best perv ever! (Ok, so there are still a few skillz I would like him to develop but he is coming along nicely…) This “communication” stuff is really handy.
I’ve been talking to Tom more and feeling more comfortable about it. I still feel a bit tense when I watch him playing (I don’t spend much time doing this) but there is less tension and more happiness that he is happy. I really do love him and want him to be happy and I know that he never would have had all that he needed with me. And I really am better off with Noah so it’s a win all the way around. I think I feel so connected to him still because he was the first person to love me so much or so well and I try very hard to appreciate what people do for me. The fact that what he had to give ended up not being enough in the long run is really not his fault.
Alright, I’ll say it. Off birth control. Don’t know when anything more interesting is going to actually happen as I have no control over that. Lots of looking down and chanting “ovulate!!” I amuse me. The first two weeks I was pretty batty and all over the place emotionally but that has passed and I’m feeling generally pretty cheerful. The fact that it coincided with lots of job stress and then no job stress probably helps.
Still having a hard time believing that I am not too difficult to put up with. Noah says I’m ok, but it’s hard. I’m so scared of pushing him away and I know I am tempermental. Gah. Have to just accept that I’ll never be placid or even tempered. Suckful acceptance.
My body is being weird. I think it is mostly that I am sitting on my ass too much. I’m stiff and sore most places most of the time. I’m also a wee bit chunkier than is optimal for normal usage. (My jeans don’t really fit.) Other than that: my hair is freshly red and my jaw hurts all the time. Looks like braces are mandatory. Damnit! I really hate dental stuff.
Family stuff continues to suck. I’m thinking that I should do another six months or so without talking to any of them. My mom recently asked me to have dinner so she could give me my baby pictures because she doesn’t want them. This following on the heels of her telling me that my bio-family isn’t my family, my chosen family is along with her threatening to sue me if I publicly disclose stuff about my life… yeah. I think maybe it’s time for some non-talking. My sister doesn’t even want me to know where she lives–as in she has told her children they are not to give me their address. Awesome. Jimmy still doesn’t want to speak to me and may never again. My aunt doesn’t believe me about the stuff that has been happening because she has never heard about it before from anyone else. Yeah. Just… yeah. That’s ok. I have a Mom who wants to be part of my life. I have a Dad and a Daddy both of whom love me and dote on me and give me the kind of support I need. I have people all over the country who love me and support me. I suppose my mother is right. I do have a family and she isn’t part of it.
Computer woes continue. At least this time I managed to back everything up. Heh. Still thinking about buying an Apple instead of a PC. Luckily, I have my work computer to use over the summer so it isn’t mandatory yet.
Given the impending kidlet situation, having two vehicles that don’t place one of us at serious risk of injury daily is a mandatory situation. I’ve been looking around and I’m pretty sure I want a Mazda 5. (The Prius was supposed to be Noah’s car from the start…) I have wanted an Element for years, but seeing as there could be three booster seats in our future, a four seater vehicle is just not an option. *sigh* There goes that dream. Is ok. Babies are more interesting than a vehicle I can clean with a hose. 🙂 It’s going to be a bit more expensive than we were hoping for, but it will be doable.
My student loan debt will be gone before school starts again. We will have just the mortgage in debt and that is such a nice feeling.
Kids are scheduled to come paint the house when I get back from the honeymoon. I’m actually looking forward to it. 🙂
I leave on Monday to see my friends and Noah is joining me on Thursday. We are going to be backpacking for a week. I’m so excited!
Life… life is not completely 100% perfect, but life is good.
| Your Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 Score Is… | ||||
| Your Score: | Average For All Users | Average For All Sluttily Opportunistic Human Liberal Married Pink-Skinned 22 to 28-Year old Females (17 total) |
||
| Dating | 0% | 34.26% | 11.99% | Gone steady |
| Self-Lovin’ | 10.61% | 61.19% | 34.58% | I wouldn’t shake hands, if I were you |
| Shamelessness | 24.19% | 77.52% | 43.26% | For Christ’s sake, put your clothes on! |
| Sex Drive | 21.43% | 75.21% | 42.44% | Humps fire hydrants when nobody’s looking |
| Straightness | 0% | 39.6% | 4.9% | Knows the other body type like a map |
| Gayness | 0% | 78.46% | 25.6% | Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame |
| Dominant | 16.67% | 86.92% | 60.49% | Master of everyone’s domain |
| Submissive | 9.52% | 87.29% | 55.18% | Feels uncomfortable without manacles on |
| Fucking Sick | 44.9% | 89.98% | 67.53% | Don’t look in the basement |
| Total Score | 17.49% | 73.96% | 42.83% | |
| Take The Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 and see how you match up! (By The Ferrett) |
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