Tag Archives: friends

Postcards and phone calls and mess, oh my!

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Ok, if you see this post you need to send me your address today in an email. PLEASE assume I don’t have it. (Hard drive crashes, rebuilds not happening… all suck.) If you have an email, use whatever you have. If you haven’t got one: this nick @ livejournal DOT com works. 🙂

And a request: I’m going to be sending little pieces of travelogue to different people in postcards. It would be really cool if people would copy that portion onto their lj with a tag: Krissy’s travelogue. 😀 How’s that for a meme? When I get back I will cut’n’paste the stuff I sent to everyone and put it all in a big nifty piece for me to keep. 🙂 Perty please!

Yay!

*bounce*

Oh, and I plan to be off-line for the next three weeks. I plan to check email no more than once a week (it will mean I actually go do things) so even when I do check it I probably won’t respond. I won’t be checking lj or anything at all so if you want me to see something eventually shoot me an email with the link and I’ll make sure I check it when I get home.

Additional note: this whole going offline thing is hard and scary for me. For the first 9 days I really am going to be on my own as the NY people I know may not really be up for much. Phone calls would be great. If you think of me and want to say hi: just call and say that. I would really appreciate feeling loved sporadically throughout the trip. In case you don’t have it, my number is: 408-202-4083. If you call I will give you a suuuuuuper detailed description of what I am looking at so that you can feel like you are with me. 🙂

Oh! And! If you come over to the house to see Noah, please ignore the mess. I have had about three days to unpack and I just haven’t been able to get much done. 🙁

Pieces of the picture.

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People have pictures of me, of my past. Abuse, poverty, moved a lot, bad family. Here’s another piece of that.

My father had money. A pretty fair amount of money. Part of that was inherited. So why did I grow up in poverty then? Because accepting his money meant playing by his rules. It meant playing those stupid, vapid, bullshit games that rich people play. It is more about who you know than what you know. It is more about sucking up to people you don’t respect than about being honest.

My mother couldn’t psychologically handle my father’s games–she wasn’t brought up in a world where she even knew such things existed. I think that is a lot of why she is so fractured now. I just refused. I won’t kiss anyone’s ass. I won’t play the game your way. I won’t act like your behavior is ok when I believe it isn’t. Does this make me a bitch? I don’t think so but apparently other people do. I call bullshit because I have to call bullshit. Yes, I know I need to work on my tone of voice. I am still reacting with almost two decades of pent up hatred and rage towards all of the things that are so fucked up about my early life. I am trying so hard and it feels like I will never get far enough. I don’t want to stop saying my truth but I hope that someday I don’t sound so angry that the message is lost.

I have a problem with people who think things shouldn’t be said. I don’t respect that attitude or behaviour. I need to work on how I am saying things but I don’t want to ever stop saying them. If that means I am not someone that should be introduced to family, fine. I don’t agree with the hypocracy that my words are fine in one context and not in another but I don’t actually get to decide what all people put up with.

I’m angry and I don’t entirely know what about. I know I am reacting to age old baggage and I need to stop but I don’t know how. I don’t think I was wrong but my tone of voice was.

Something I don’t understand: if my behavior and attitudes are so fucking unacceptable, why do people want me in their life? It isn’t as if I am sitting at home alone because people hate me. There doesn’t seem to be any way that I can really be that bad or wrong. I am tired of being treated like I am though.

Shibaricon

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Let me explain, no–there is too much. Let me sum up.

Travel was a nightmare. There were so many delays that it was just un-fuckingbelievable. I don’t want to ever fly to Chicago again. The place is cursed. You can’t get in and you can’t get out.

Noah and I traded off being cranky and traveling together seems to work very well–yay! Yeah, he’s the right one.

The con itself was very eh. The classes were not particularly inspiring. I felt that there wasn’t much that challenged me.

I got to see some really wonderful people that I rarely see and that was cool. I met more new people at this con than I probably ever have before.

I got to see my Julia and my Bridgett. Ok, the travel was worth it.

I got suspended and I tied up a hot boy and I kicked around another hot boy. Not a bad weekend.

I was a complete and total bitch to japlady and her father. *sigh* Will I ever grow up?

I am really sick of waking up with the sun no matter what timezone I am in.

I missed Google Boy something fierce. I am so happy I get to see him tonight.

Chicago food does *not* agree with my tummy. Next time I am at the food mercy of japlady I need to put my foot down about not so much greasy meat. Ugh. My stomach still feels disgusting. 🙁

But overall I had fun and I’m glad I went. I am mostly sorry about the days missed from work but such is life.

Family and Grief

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I went to a funeral today. Anna’s grandmother died. They were very close and this has hit her like a ton of bricks. I thought I wouldn’t be particularly affected. But I was. I cried through almost the entire thing. I cried for the grandparents I never knew. I cried for my father and for my brother and the funerals I was not able to go to. I cried because I am afraid I will never have a relationship with my mother again. I cried out of jealousy. Bess, Anna’s grandmother, was a very pushy, efficient, no-nonsense, loving and caring person. She has a large family who all adore her and went to great lengths to always have relationships with her as she did with them. I watched the grief of Anna’s family and cried because I don’t have a family.

Today I grieve for all the things that never were and can never be. Tomorrow I need to stop looking back. I need to instead look towards the future that I have. I have the most amazing chosen family I can imagine. My chosen family would back me and support me through anything at all. They will be my mourners. I will have children and with the grace of god I will manage to not totally fuck them up and maybe they accept and return the oceans of love I have to give. I have Noah. This man loves me more than I ever dreamed I would be loved–I am so incredibly lucky.

Yeah, I have things in my past that deserve grief. But I have an amazing future ahead of me. I even have a really great present.

To my family: thank you for loving me.

brain dump

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I love my friends. Especially the ones I have to go very far in order to see. Ya’ll are wonderful.

Twin beds aren’t that bad for snuggling/sleeping but pillows really are my friend. Owie neck.

I am seriously cranky and emotional and I’m not sure why. For the last hour or more I have been fighting off tears and not terribly successfully.

I have such a horrible case of senioritis that it is unreal. I have exactly 11 more class sessions to attend and getting through them is going to be a nightmare. I am starting to hate grad school with a passion. I am chanting in my head that I have one more month before classes end. Then the kiddos only have three weeks past that. In seven weeks I have freedom. Yay.

I passed the first round of my comp exams. I think I deafened the department chair when he called to tell me.

I feel like I am stuck between worlds. I want to be a dancer. I want to be a pervert. I want to be a Burner. I want to hang out with the poly people (for lack of a better way of defining that group). I can’t do everything. I just can’t. There isn’t enough time in the day. I don’t want to give anything up and it is making me very very sad. I don’t know how to juggle my time any better. My blessings are so profound and overwhelming that I am incapable of properly embracing them all. *sigh*

I want to make that stupid pop up thing on the bottom of my screen go away and I can’t figure out how to do it.

In the next five weeks I need to find time in the insanity of my life to make a bodice. I want to scream.

And yet… my life is good. I’m just feeling the stress a bit too much today. It’ll all be ok. Just have to get through some of the harder stuff. Life will figure itself out. In not very long I won’t be able to run around like a mad woman all the time. I can get through two years. Then things have to calm down whether I like it or not. 🙂 But I’m looking forward to it.

A weekend (almost entirely) at home.

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So I have to run out on Saturday for therapy and then a little bit of other stuff in parts north so Saturday isn’t part of this… (What a weird exception…)

But I will be spending this coming Friday and Sunday in my house. I’m NOT leaving. So I would like to invite people to drop by as they see fit. 🙂 Some notice of what day/time-ish to expect you would be awesome but I am going to be generally hanging around my house doing homework, watching movies, cooking, probably baking, and generally slacking from about 3pm on Friday until 10:30 am Saturday (feel free to spend the night). Then I run north for an undetermined period of time so I am just saying that you can show up whenever you like on Sunday cause I can promise that I will be awake before just about anyone on my friends list. 🙂 Ok, maybe James will be up at the same time–but I’ve been freakish lately about 6:30 and he usually sleeps at least a little more than that…

This post is not going to exist forever because it has personal data in it, but if you want this information in general consider this your opportunity to copy it into your address book. 🙂

5259 Camden Ave #69
San Jose, CA. 95124
408-202-4083

Parking is a bit strange. There is lots of unmarked spaces in the back of the complex but then finding my apartment is complicated. If you are coming down Camden from 85 make a right on Merrill Ave. Take the… fourth or fifth driveway… it’s the last one into the big apartment complex. Follow the ugly chainlink fence down almost to the very end. Park in any of the unmarked spots. Then walk down the driveway thing (as straight as possible) until you run into a wall. Walk just a bit to the right and you should see a stairway. Walk up and the building you see across from you is mine. I’m down almost at the very end. Please feel free to call me and tell me that my directions suck ass and where the hell are you. 🙂

The good, the bad, and the scheduling.

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Bad first:

I had a conversation today that attacked my faith in humanity. Someone that I have liked expressed some opinions that go beyond me disliking them. My friends have opinions I dislike on a regular basis and I deal with that. However, someone believing that doctors and pharmacists should be allowed to not treat patients if they don’t want to I… it’s beyond dislike. Should teachers be able to say they don’t like a student and will not teach them? Should police officers only protect and serve people they like? The idea of people in service jobs only serving people they like/want to serve offends the very core of me. Does that mean that schools should not have been integrated? Should women still not be allowed to attend college or hold jobs of their own or…

I believe that this person is childish and immature and selfish and self-centered in ways that could be potentially harmful to other people. I’m glad I learned that before I developed any real affection for her because now I know that I don’t want to. I feel kind of sad that there are such people in my general circle though. 🙁

Ok, that was the bad bit of my day.

There were many good bits though. I found out that it isn’t “necessary” for me to go visit the most wonderful fairy I know next weekend because technically she doesn’t “need” my help. Instead, I get to go visit her because she is wonderful enough to want to see me and I get to spend time with one of the most amazing women I know. I think that deserves a big fat YAY!!!

I got a lovely massage from a dear man and I feel more grounded and centered and happy. Also sleepy. 🙂 I might actually sleep tonight!

I got to spend time with the new partner of a dear friend and it was awesome. She is smart and funny and interesting and not psycho and not a bitch and not a whiney dependent dipshit. I am so happy his taste has improved since me. 😉 Seriously though, I really need to spend more time with her while she is here because I think she is that rare kind of person that I will actually like *and* respect. 🙂 Another definate yay!

I’m really happy that I don’t feel as sad as I did last night.

Scheduling!!! What in the fuck is happening this weekend? I haven’t figured out what the freak I am doing and I know I am swimming in options so please help me out here! 🙂 If you don’t want to leave a comment send me an email. Thanks! 🙂

Interesting trip

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I noticed a lot of things this weekend. I used to feel bad that I didn’t follow/couldn’t follow their conversations about computer games/geeky stuff. Now I realize I just don’t give a shit and it isn’t a reflection of my intelligence. YAY!

It was very interesting. I bet I would have had fun talking with more of the SO’s of the geek boys, but I was being shy and I didn’t initiate many conversations. I had a great time talking with the host though–she’s a sometimes dancer and all-around nifty person. Catching up with her was probably worth the hike and being bored a lot of the time. I played a couple of games and did ok most of the time. I broke my boycott of Scrabble. I am more than somewhat amused that the entire situation felt like stepping into a time warp. They are the same people dressing in basically the same clothes doing the same things and having the same conversations. Ok, so they now intersperse comments about work instead of classes… but it was odd.

I no longer feel hated or rejected, but I am a bit more comfortable in knowing that it just isn’t my crowd. That is some lovely closure for me. 🙂

Catastrophic!!! Oh, maybe just obnoxious…

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Yesterday the hard drive on my laptop died. I have been assured that this isn’t my fault by no less than three very very talented computer people so I don’t feel guilty anymore. Needless to say, I kind of freaked out though. I feared all was lost as far as my data goes and that is scary shit.

This situation led to a major pity party on my part. There was no one to hold my hand as I fearfully sat in the waiting room of the computer repair place and there was no one to pat my head when I almost started crying when the computer place said they can’t do anything for me. I was all mopey and sad and felt really shitty. However, when I stop to think about it…

Ok, I don’t have one partner to sit there and hold my hand. What do I have instead? I have some fucking amazing friends who are a phone call away, and those friends can/choose to do things that are far more useful than merely holding my hand.

M was my first phone call and he told me where to go to deal with having my computer fixed and we discussed how I need to get a backup computer so that this isn’t such a problem in the future. Then he offered to build me one. YAY!!!!
K was my second phone call and he explained the hard drive problem in a way that I can understand (he is capable of talking down to me without making me feel stupid and that takes serious skill) and then he offered to lend me a laptop until mine can be fixed.
R was my third phone call because I just needed to vent and I knew he would be home and willing to at least listen for a few minutes. He told me to bring my laptop over and he would see what he could do with it. I brought it up there and…. HE RECOVERED THE MOST IMPORTANT FILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is now a GOD in my eyes and he can have just about anything he wants. And of course going over to his house involved snuggling and watching some Hawt porn so the night turned out well in general.

I may not have “a special someone” but I have so many people who are willing to support me and help me. I am so grateful for my friends.

So now it is a serious pain in the ass to deal with fixing my computer, but I’m not freaking out. 🙂

Scheduling

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lj is just bloody convenient for some things.

Would it be possible for a Pryankster person to share the schedule of events with me? I would really like to know what is happening when with a bit more advance notice than the list gives us. I didn’t have writing implements with me on Saturday…

Tentative dates for visiting with lovely people and general travel:
February 25-26 Hikers Hut with some high school friends. I’m pretty terrified about this one…

March 24-26 Portland!! I’m going to Kinkfest baybee. This is set cause I have plane tickets and all. 🙂

April 7-9 Eureka. I would drive up early on Friday and home on Sunday. (Would any random people like to go see anyone up there and we could carpool? ribbin you could go see your bro!) If not that weekend the next weekend the 14-16?

May 19-21 Disneyland. I am going to go back and I would love it if other people would come with. 🙂

May 26-28 Chicago for Shibaricon. 🙂

Sometime June 11-30ish I want to go on a backpacking trip. I am really interested in finding people to come with me! I am going to block out this time for that kind of trip whether anyone comes with or not, but it would be far more fun to have friends.

And if I get the job next year at ST I will not be going to Europe in January for a long stretch so I am going to pick a country and go there late July/early August. I am going to shoot for missing faire if possible. I am going to try and find someplace not scorchingly hot as well.

And given that I plan to spend as much of the year at faire as I can… I’m not going to be around much on weekends this year at all. I need to get my ass in gear sewing costumes. Any ideas for patterns that I should buy would be very very welcome. I would also like to come up to Davis sometime in the next month or two and have some down-time with the people I love so much up there.

I could potentially go up to Davis on the 19th of February (Sunday) and come back Monday during the day. Or the 18/19 of March… What do ya’ll think?

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Happy.

Tired.

This weekend I had many opportunities to spend time with some people who rock my world. I would name the Pryanksters who make me feel loved and treasured but it would take a long time and I have to get grading done. I am so happy that I have already made the decision that I will be doing Pryanksters this year. Even Guild Mistress took a moment to stop and tell me that she was happy to have me back. I feel really really welcome and it’s a great feeling.

I got to spend time with some lovely burners and they rocked my world in more ways than one.

Therapy is going well. I’m starting to get into some stuff that is really really really hard for me and… that’s hard for me to do. So I’m glad I’m getting there. If I leave therapy feeling scared and somewhat wounded it means I actually found something important. I’m really happy that I am getting there.

I got to see some pervs who let me know repeatedly that they are happy to have me in their lives.

And I got some lovely, delicious down time. I watched three movies this weekend: Dracula (I need to see it this semester for a class), Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, and Adaptation. I really loved Eternal. It got me to thinking about the concept of second chances. Where and with whom would I want to try again? I had a pretty difficult conversation with someone about that topic. I think I hurt the person. I was telling my truth though and to not tell it… well… I suppose I could have dealt with that. But I didn’t. I said what was in my heart and my mind and I am glad that I am at least being honest with myself. Even if I can’t admit that I want the second chance to the person in question. Really, I’m not as brave as people think I am.

But I’m working towards being a better me. It seems to be a theme lately with some of the women I respect the most: boxofchaos, barelyproper, labelleizzy we will get to where we want to be. I have faith in us.

Calendaring

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Remember that psycho schedule I once had? Damn. Life sure is different now! 🙂

I’m putzing around trying to pretend I have a life and such and I thought I would toss a few things out into the air just to see where they land.

This week I have to finish grading. It is just non-negotiable and I suck and I need to stop fucking procrastinating. So what am I doing? Procrastinating. *sigh* I don’t know when I will finish…
Friday is the TNG party though. That should be fun! I’m going to be all pervy and schtuff. Yay!
Saturday-Tuesday I think I am doing a road trip with Japlady down to D-land. Yay! (Hey sweetie… uhhh are we doing this still?!)
I’m thinking about hitting BaGG on the 11th and/or the 18th. Is anyone else interested? I will also be trying for S&P attendance ’cause classes start soon.
19th: Anyone want to hang out? *bat eyes*
20th: I will either be going to FNW or the kinky chicks movie night in the city. Depends on if Mo wants to see the movie. Otherwise I won’t drive up cause I’m lame.
Uhm… a work thing in the morning on the 21st and that’s it. Any ideas/invitiations???

I can fill most of the Friday/Saturday nights in February but I have this wiiiiiiiiide open Tuesday thing going on. I don’t work or have classes on Tuesdays this semester. Anyone want to spend any time with me? *bat eyelashes* Come on people, save me from a fate worse than death: trolling for dates on craigslist. And Sundays are going to suck. 🙁

I propose (generically): movies, hiking, gym, I would love to get a bicycle and start riding it with someone, any dance events you think I don’t know about, just hanging out and talking, coming over so that we can cook/bake nifty things together cause I really love doing that, game nights…. ok. That’s a few ideas. Any takers?!

wake up, little Susie…

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AWAKE!!!!!!! I am awake. Like, very awake. Like… ready to bounce off the walls… But I am still in bed cause it is warm here. It is also way too early. I fell asleep at 11 last night cause that is as late as I could keep my eyes open and I woke up at 7:30. This would be great only my body thinks it was 8-4:30. Cause I know this doesn’t feel like 7:30 to me.

I spent lots of time yesterday with my Julia. It was lovely and fabulous. We got to talk how we haven’t been able to talk in person in a very long time. Have I mentioned that I have really missed her? She challenges me in all sorts of good ways. We talked about what we each want out of life. Talking with her about that feels different than it does with most people. I feel like I am talking to someone who has dealt with the same shit, so is coming from the same starting place. I don’t know if it is awful of me, but I get kind of pissy when I talk to people who have had life very easy who want to talk to me about where my goals are. Fuck you. Don’t tell me what I should be striving for. I’m really kind of awful like that. Julia can question me; she has the life experience to do so.

I had a weird dream about running away to home early. I got on a bus because I *just had to leave*. Which I can’t imagine because I feel more comfortable here than I have on a vacation in a very long time. I used to feel this comfortable at Max’s house in Seattle. Other than that… I can’t remember feeling this comfortable outside my home. I’m willing to bet that right now it has to do with the fact that I might as well be here because I don’t feel super comfortable at home yet anyway.

Still up in the air as far as NYE goes. I have several options. I can get into Debaucherama free cause I won the slut contest last year–but I really don’t think I want to go. I can go to a birthday party where I will sort of know the birthday girl and her partner and no one else. I think my current plan is to go to a party that a bunch of college friends host every year… but I didn’t go to college with them. I will know about four people at that one. Although I have met most of the people there a few times cause I have been dropping in on this party for years, I just normally only spend a little bit of time there.

I started rambling about sex. So I’ll close this entry and start one behind a different filter…

Today I am grateful for…

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Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.

Have I mentioned Julia yet? I am not going to sit here crying the whole week before Christmas now. I am going to be in Boston seeing one of the most wonderful women on the planet. I am so grateful for my friends.

the fact that I am so healthy that my doctor will remark how unusual it is.
Jamba Juice once again. I tried the other cherry one…. I’m going to stick with the orange mix.

*gasp*

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He responded to my message *and* my email. The he in question is Tom. I haven’t really sat down and had anything resembling a conversation with him since the Ireland trip in January. He said that we could remain friends… Maybe we are ready to start that part? We have been broken up for almost 14 months. How much is it still hurting?

It will be good to see him. I miss him fiercely.