Tag Archives: life

It is 8:10 pm

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And I am at school. Admittedly mostly because of the internet access, although I have been making copies for the last 45 minutes. Today I graded papers and puttered around getting my apartment together and did the lesson plans for tomorrow. I am not getting ahead on lesson plans. I suck. I do always prepare the day in advance though. Further than that seems to be beyond my abilities right now. 🙁 I still haven’t cried. My cat is still being odd. She spends most of her time hiding in the closet, but she comes out and bugs the crap out of me when I am trying to sleep.

Now it is 8:20. I’m stapling together my huge pile of copies now. I haven’t seen anyone I would consider a friend in more than 48 hours and I am unlikely to see a friendly face until Friday. More than 48 hours ago and on Friday that face will be Puppy’s. I’m once again doing as Rebecca says and working hard, but it is lonely. This Friday is the end of the grading period and I am pretty buried under paperwork. Woof. I did get both sets of essays graded today. I feel good about that. I have a bunch of reading quizzes and vocabulary to grade. Blah. I might tackle more of that when I go home tonight. Maybe. If I am a good girl. I am getting internet at my house tomorrow. YAY!

Now a teacher is here talking to me. I’ll be social.

I’m a loser baby

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(Not really, but since I’m on a song lyric naming scheme.)

Today went better than I thought it would. I am nearing completion on packing. I am not 100% done on my unit plan, but close enough that I am going to seriously impress my master teacher. I haven’t done any grading though. I suck! I was in a horrible horrible mood for most of the day, at least until about 2:30. Crying and generally being a total spaz. Then we had sex. (First time in a week.) Now I’m in a good mood and feeling ok and more stable. I really wish he understood this correlation better and volunteered sex more regularly. It is a whopping 8pm and Ken has left. (The annoying best friend was here for dinner and a movie; we all played nice and got along well.)

I’m tired. I think I am going to pass out by about 9:30 and pray I sleep until 6. I am going to go into work early and get some stuff ready for my kids. Oh! I need to go create a pop quiz for my stupid seniors! They pissed me off on Thursday. It is horrible that having sex makes me feel like I can actually handle all that is on my plate.

Oh! And the teacher I hate will be absent on Wednesday. We are just watching a movie in class. 🙂 The week won’t suck!

Frustration

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My new laptop behaved poorly today. It would not transfer the image to the projector and it is being funky about returning from sleep mode. Mother Fucker. And it won’t connect to the network at my house. It hasn’t since I got on Kevin’s network. Or rather, it gets on and then disconnects every five minutes. This means I: use Puppy’s computer (with the keyboard that seriously sucks) or I sit on the floor in the cold gun room. I am not thrilled with either option. I hate netgear.

My seniors are little bastards and I think I am going to have a pretty heavy duty drink in about five minutes.

Puppy wanted to stay at lab tonight so that he could spend the time with Ken. But that isn’t what he told me originally. Just that he though he should test run it. I feel like he isn’t being up front. Why do I have to play 20 fucking questions.

I have not gotten any packing done recently and I am upset with myself for it.

I’m actually thinking about going and looking at a bunch of apartments tomorrow and basically signing a lease and starting to move next week. This commute is just horrible. I feel like I am wasting soooo much time.

I have to do two unit plans basically within the next week. I have two new units starting in 10 days and I am freakin out. The two units are on poetry and The Mayor of Casterbridge my least favorite part of teaching English (poetry) and a book I sort of read once last year. No one else in the school has taught it before so I get to make it all up from scratch. This is good and bad.

I need to get started on my seminar paper the sooner the better. I have about a month left on that.

I have something like four books that I should read in the next two weeks.

My juniors are doing well though.

I think tonight will be lesson planning and crying.

I have these plans of being social this weekend. Uhm, it may not happen. Depends on how much I get done tonight. 🙁

If you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

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“If you need something, ask for it.” Easier said than done, lemmetellyou. A lot of what is going on with me lately is feeling scared and lonely and trapped and helpless. For me a lot of this manifests as feeling little. But my relationship with Puppy is firmly “big” and so I don’t have much space to work through those feelings in my current environment. So I’m creating a space where I can be little for at least a couple of hours this weekend. I am so grateful to and for my friends. When you think about it, it is kind of odd to talk to a friend and say, “Can I come over and be little this weekend?” I miss my Daddy right now. I have sent Tom a couple of emails and he is ignoring them. I know he is overwhelmed at work though so I’m trying not to take it personally. The last time he and I talked about it I asked him if he would still be my Daddy and he said yes, but that was well over a year ago.

I don’t know what I want or what I need right now. Today I’m not feeling well–tickly throat and achey stomach–and it is contributing to me just not feeling big. I know what I ‘need’ to get done for school but I just want to hide under the covers. I hear a visit from the waaaaaaaaaambulance coming.

*sigh* Must be productive today. This morning even. SUCK.

stuff to do and stuff to not want to think about

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Tomorrow my goals are:
Make the guest room neat. It doesn’t really matter that it is a mess, but I hate it and want the mess to go away.
Lug all of the bags out of the gun room down to the garage.
Start sorting out books that I will not need in the next year and pack them.
Finish grading the papers for the seniors and get mygradebook up to date for the juniors. Which means checking their WW, reading quiz, and vocabulary tests. I should put in their some of their upcoming points.
Put together lecture on suffering.

Stuff to not think about:
Why am I staying in this relationship?
Why is he completely unwilling to defend me when his family says rude/mean/hurtful things about me?
Where am I going to spend Thanksgiving?
Where am I going to spend Christmas?
Where will I be living in a year?
Why do I pick men who are unwilling to pay attention to me?

prep for moving

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So far I have collected 24 grocery bags worth of books to get rid of (maybe half of one of those bags is Puppy’s stuff) and I have a lawn trimming bag of clothes. We are going to be getting rid of a bunch of kitchen stuff as well. I can feel my belongings cry as they think of going away. 🙁

But Jesus Christ on a pogo stick by the third move in just over a year it is time to pare down.

hope?

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I’m having a lot of trouble with hope right now. I had a bad day yesterday–ok, I had one bad period and it wasn’t that bad. But I feel like a failure. And I feel like I will never be successful at a relationship. Part of my problem is exhaustion and I know it. I finished my unit plan last night for Mans Search for Meaning. I will have something to show in my meeting this afternoon.

This weekend I need to catch up and even get ahead on my masters class. I am slipping further and further behind and that isn’t ok. I need to figure out what I want to do my main paper on. I have no freakin ideas. *sigh*

I need to start packing. Maybe I will get busy on that this weekend. I’m not terribly optimistic about it, but it could happen…

I feel lonely. I feel like I can be in the middle of a crowded room and still feel completely alone. Yesterday several of my students touched me to try and get my attention and I freaked out. I started chanting, “Don’t touch me.” I walked out of the classroom to calm down before I could handle them again.

I didn’t get pictures. By an hour into the day I wasn’t feeling very princess-y anymore. 🙁

I need to figure out how to challenge my students more. I feel like I am sucking.

Therapy went well I suppose. She is a very active, action oriented person and I appreciate that. She immidiately recognized some concrete ways that both of us will have to adapt if we are to stay together and made no bones about it. I’m scared though.

sooooooo tired

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I want to go to sleep right now. That’s all I want to do. I don’t want to write my lesson plans for tomorrow and Friday. I don’t want to go to this stupid class. (I really want to drop this class. I hate it and the teacher but if I do there is no way to graduate next semester.)

I felt all positive and accomplished yesterday. Today I can barely bring myself to do the basics. I am such a slacker that it isn’t funny. I’m not proud of myself right at this moment.

There is so much to get done I feel like I will never catch up, let alone get ahead. If I had two “good” (read: productive) days of lesson planning I could get a months worth of lesson planning done and not have to even think about it for a long time, but I can’t seem to manage that and I feel really bad about myself.

My goal for this weekend is to not leave my house and get shit done. *sigh* I hooooooope it works out. 🙁

Tomorrow Puppy and I have an appointment with a therapist. I’m scared.

The good, the bad, the ugly

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Everyone who talks to me immidiately says, “What is going on?” My most common answer is, “I don’t know.” Thus: I haven’t been posting much.

Right now we have reached the conclusion that we don’t really want to break up but we are terrified that this relationship won’t work out long term. So we are taking a step back to “dating” (whatever the fuck that means). I am moving to San Jose and he is moving into his lab because he can’t really afford rent. The plan will be for him to spend weekends with me. The purpose of this insanity one might ask? Commuting is killing both of us and we are so tired at nights that we aren’t exactly getting any “quality” time during the week anyway. He spends enough time commuting instead of working that he goes into work at least one day during the weekend and I don’t see him anyway. This means that our evenings/weekends in the next few weeks are going to be spent packing. SUCK!

Yeah, he dumped me. He dumped me hard and I freaked out. I am still not exactly happy. What happened is that he dumped me and we spent last Saturday apart as I freaked out and cried on the shoulders of some friends. I called some other friends later and several of them asked me questions that actually made me think. When he got home from work I asked him if he really meant to break up with me or was he just kind of freaking out and it got said and he didn’t really mean it. His reply was that he is scared and he isn’t sure if he means it or not. So we are talking and talking and talking. What is he afraid of?

He is afraid: that I am unstable enough that I need a truckload of emotional support that he can’t give me (We are having ongoing conversations about the concept of ‘boundaries’ and how no one can/should ever be all of my support and it is ok for him to say that he needs more space than I am automatically giving him), that I will never get along with his family and his family is very important to him (while complaining about how I don’t get along with his siblings–the same siblings who IM me every day because they like me and want to talk to me), that we don’t have enough in common (we have more in common than anyone else I have dated and I think we pretty much always have fun–ok, I don’t shoot), that a couple of places where we clash will be insurmountable eventually (though he concedes that these have in fact become significantly less as we have adjusted to one another), that he needs a partner who handles crisis very well because he freezes (I want to tell him to go talk to Noah about the accident), that I have a martyr complex (I totally do, but I have been actively working on it for a while)… Those are the main things. Maybe I am over-rationalizing but I think these things are all part of growing pains and not deal breakers. I don’t know if I am just being idiotic and looking at the relationship through rose colored glasses or what.

He wants to know why I want to be with him at all. He seems to be terrified that I will decide that I deserve better and leave him. AHHH. He seems to be doing a premeditative dumping because that is better than me leaving him and I am not thrilled.

So we are following the advice of a friend. We are removing a lot of the external pressure from our lives in general (crappy commutes and not enough time spent on work stuff) and seeing if we really are interested enough in this relationship to make it work despite the inconvenience of living ~60 miles apart. We are also going to try and find a therapist. Any recommendations? Pretty much anywhere between Hayward and San Jose is good for me and I am going to make him drive further than me. HA! I am absolutely terrifed and we are talking about that. He and Rebecca are both right though. Removing pressure and working through issues will decide if this relationship has a future a whole lot better than me buring my head in the sand and destroying my back will. Commuting is killing me and my car. 🙁

My life is going to be changing a lot. I don’t even know how yet. I’m really really nervous and scared. If this works out then our relationship probably will go the distance. If this doesn’t then it probably wasn’t meant to at all. I’m scared to find out which it will be.

*gasp*

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He responded to my message *and* my email. The he in question is Tom. I haven’t really sat down and had anything resembling a conversation with him since the Ireland trip in January. He said that we could remain friends… Maybe we are ready to start that part? We have been broken up for almost 14 months. How much is it still hurting?

It will be good to see him. I miss him fiercely.

why

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Why do people that I live with prefer masturbation to sex with me within 6 months?
Why do people that I choose as long term partners feel that I am simply too much to deal with?
Why do people that I fall in love with appreciate how physically affectionate I am in the first few months and then complain that I am too clingy?
Why am I apprently such a drain on people’s resources that they simply cannot abide my presense?
Why do I date?
Why do I keep wanting a relationship?

Why fucking bother.

life and stuff

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I’m not going to go into depth about school because I am still pissed off at my district. My kids are great and I am really starting to find my groove.

In totally vain news: I stepped on the scale today and it said 154.5. I am now within my doctors recommended range for me. Doing WW a couple years ago I got down to 157, but I never managed to get to 155. The only thing I’m doing right now is moving a lot more than usual (I am now teaching and running around campus all day) and I am not eating as much or as often because I have serious time contraints and stress.

I’m mostly happy and feeling relatively stable today. *breathe*

Dear God

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I want this day to be over. I am exhausted. This weekend was a mixed bag of good and bad–though mostly good. I am *exhausted* and I just want to fall down. I don’t have class until 7 though. 🙁 I’m being a stupid baby and feeling sad that Puppy makes plans to have dinner with other people but never manages to come home when I can be there. (It’s cause we have the crappiest schedules ever. I have class Mondays and Wednesdays and he has class or group meeting Tuesday and Thursday.)

This weekend was psycho busy. We played a bit and had fun together. I mostly avoided the people I don’t like. The psycho ex was not a problem at all. Though she did set up camp and watch us play on Friday. That was slightly creepy.

I feel utterly without energy. I don’t have the energy to input grades or contact parents or… I don’t fucking care.

Ok. Yeah. End of me whining for today now.

Good grief.

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Ok, the problem with filters is, I want to write about school. That means school filter. I want to write about my upcoming therapy appointment today. That means therapy filter. I want to talk about some of my insecurity filter stuff.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH Fine. I will either write three posts or none at all. Guess we’ll see.

Oh! New icons. Much awesome stuff. Much love to Noah for letting me have these in the first place. 🙂 (Though I have now paid for my own thankyouverymuch)

uhm, uhm uhm…

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Well… I finished my lesson for tomorrow and read the book for the other class and all that mess…

So now I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs. It is 8:30 on a Thursday night and I feel like I want someone to pay attention to me. Puppy is still at work and will be for a while longer (TA duties). I am noticing that teaching means putting a great deal of time and focus outside of me and onto other people. When I finished the reading tonight I stopped and considered the fact that other than eating, the need for sleep, and bathing I haven’t paid attention to myself in the last 48-ish hours. That is a long time for me to not have any personal thoughts! I tried hitting a social event last night for a bit but I was so wrapped up in what I needed to accomplish in planning that I got snappy and impatient immediately and just came home. It’s a weird feeling. I want attention, and yet I know that I have no energy to give to anyone at this point so I’m not seriously thinking about doing anything with anyone else. I feel totally selfish and self-absorbed. I hate that I feel bad for that. I need to be asleep in about an hour and a half and I haven’t noticed myself in more than two days and I feel guilty for wanting to focus on me for what time I have until I sleep? I really am weird.

Or maybe I’m not. Do other people feel guilty when they want to only pay attention to themself? (I’m sure my self-absorbtion of the moment is also related to my speedy reading of Siddhartha tonight.)

I think I should put on a cheesy kids movie, make myself some comfort food that I won’t feel guilty about, and crawl into bed.

I can’t even bring myself to seriously look at what has happened on lj since this weekend. My brain considered it and discarded it out of laziness. I do love you all; I’m just fried.

Drowning

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Wow this week has been brutal!

I haven’t read lj really. I tried skimming… but my brain is fried and there is a novel I have to read tonight because I take over teaching the class tomorrow.

I may still end up teaching another section. Oy. I want them to decide already.

My class is going fairly well. I have next week planned entirely and I am putting finishing touches on the following two weeks. YAY!

I love my Puppy. He has been stepping up in a number of ways that really impress me. I feel very lucky to have him even though having him means I have an evil commute.

I had dinner with a cool guy from school on Tuesday. That was a highlight of the week. 🙂

Still running a defecit on sleep and sex. DAMNIT!!!

Blurbiness

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So I hate updating sans client, but my Semagic is still sucking for unknown reasons.

Confusion is still reigning in response to teaching this semester/year. Hopefully there will be a phone call today helping with that. I talked to fin aid. I’ve been approved and such, I just haven’t been sent my check yet. I can float a bit longer.

I have been watching Katrina news more than I have watched anything since 9/11. I am significantly upset by the whole situation and I can’t put my finger on why exactly. Yes, it is a major tragedy–but why do I feel so personally affected by it? Usually I am somewhat more callous than that. I think in order to survive in America you need to be somewhat callous to the atrocities that occur every day somewhere in the world. We can’t help/fix/whatever everyone. But this one I can’t let go of. I’m sending money and I feel pathetic for only doing that. I am sending more than I can really afford, but who in the hell am I to bitch about money concerns when I still have a home and a stable income and…. yeah. Just do it and all that.

My massive cleaning on Tuesday has been somewhat obliterated by the messiness that is the Puppy. *sigh* Oh well. I am going to finish cleaning the guest room today anyway because it may come in useful tomorrow night. Interesting stuff in the works.

Much oddness still happening in the relationship with the Puppy. He complained enough about my sex drive that it seems to be…. gone. Yeah. I haven’t been able to talk myself into being interested in sex in several days. I feel pretty distant from even the idea of sex. He pointed out that I have an issue with always/never. My sex drive is on or it is off. I either want to have sex four times a day or I am not even vaguely interested. I think it has to do with not wanting to deal with rejection; in order to stop feeling rejected I will turn that part of my body off. Not so good.

He is off to a 15 hour day today. Tomorrow is also likely to be a long day. *sigh* Not much time spent with him lately and that is sad.

I am feeling very disconnected right now. Even when I am standing in front of someone I adore and hugging them, I feel kind of panicky and like I have to run away. Yet I miss them and want to spend time with them. Even when I am with someone I miss them. I don’t know what is going on.

And my tummy is hurting and I’m not sleeping well. Blah.