Tag Archives: life

hope?

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I’m having a lot of trouble with hope right now. I had a bad day yesterday–ok, I had one bad period and it wasn’t that bad. But I feel like a failure. And I feel like I will never be successful at a relationship. Part of my problem is exhaustion and I know it. I finished my unit plan last night for Mans Search for Meaning. I will have something to show in my meeting this afternoon.

This weekend I need to catch up and even get ahead on my masters class. I am slipping further and further behind and that isn’t ok. I need to figure out what I want to do my main paper on. I have no freakin ideas. *sigh*

I need to start packing. Maybe I will get busy on that this weekend. I’m not terribly optimistic about it, but it could happen…

I feel lonely. I feel like I can be in the middle of a crowded room and still feel completely alone. Yesterday several of my students touched me to try and get my attention and I freaked out. I started chanting, “Don’t touch me.” I walked out of the classroom to calm down before I could handle them again.

I didn’t get pictures. By an hour into the day I wasn’t feeling very princess-y anymore. 🙁

I need to figure out how to challenge my students more. I feel like I am sucking.

Therapy went well I suppose. She is a very active, action oriented person and I appreciate that. She immidiately recognized some concrete ways that both of us will have to adapt if we are to stay together and made no bones about it. I’m scared though.

sooooooo tired

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I want to go to sleep right now. That’s all I want to do. I don’t want to write my lesson plans for tomorrow and Friday. I don’t want to go to this stupid class. (I really want to drop this class. I hate it and the teacher but if I do there is no way to graduate next semester.)

I felt all positive and accomplished yesterday. Today I can barely bring myself to do the basics. I am such a slacker that it isn’t funny. I’m not proud of myself right at this moment.

There is so much to get done I feel like I will never catch up, let alone get ahead. If I had two “good” (read: productive) days of lesson planning I could get a months worth of lesson planning done and not have to even think about it for a long time, but I can’t seem to manage that and I feel really bad about myself.

My goal for this weekend is to not leave my house and get shit done. *sigh* I hooooooope it works out. 🙁

Tomorrow Puppy and I have an appointment with a therapist. I’m scared.

The good, the bad, the ugly

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Everyone who talks to me immidiately says, “What is going on?” My most common answer is, “I don’t know.” Thus: I haven’t been posting much.

Right now we have reached the conclusion that we don’t really want to break up but we are terrified that this relationship won’t work out long term. So we are taking a step back to “dating” (whatever the fuck that means). I am moving to San Jose and he is moving into his lab because he can’t really afford rent. The plan will be for him to spend weekends with me. The purpose of this insanity one might ask? Commuting is killing both of us and we are so tired at nights that we aren’t exactly getting any “quality” time during the week anyway. He spends enough time commuting instead of working that he goes into work at least one day during the weekend and I don’t see him anyway. This means that our evenings/weekends in the next few weeks are going to be spent packing. SUCK!

Yeah, he dumped me. He dumped me hard and I freaked out. I am still not exactly happy. What happened is that he dumped me and we spent last Saturday apart as I freaked out and cried on the shoulders of some friends. I called some other friends later and several of them asked me questions that actually made me think. When he got home from work I asked him if he really meant to break up with me or was he just kind of freaking out and it got said and he didn’t really mean it. His reply was that he is scared and he isn’t sure if he means it or not. So we are talking and talking and talking. What is he afraid of?

He is afraid: that I am unstable enough that I need a truckload of emotional support that he can’t give me (We are having ongoing conversations about the concept of ‘boundaries’ and how no one can/should ever be all of my support and it is ok for him to say that he needs more space than I am automatically giving him), that I will never get along with his family and his family is very important to him (while complaining about how I don’t get along with his siblings–the same siblings who IM me every day because they like me and want to talk to me), that we don’t have enough in common (we have more in common than anyone else I have dated and I think we pretty much always have fun–ok, I don’t shoot), that a couple of places where we clash will be insurmountable eventually (though he concedes that these have in fact become significantly less as we have adjusted to one another), that he needs a partner who handles crisis very well because he freezes (I want to tell him to go talk to Noah about the accident), that I have a martyr complex (I totally do, but I have been actively working on it for a while)… Those are the main things. Maybe I am over-rationalizing but I think these things are all part of growing pains and not deal breakers. I don’t know if I am just being idiotic and looking at the relationship through rose colored glasses or what.

He wants to know why I want to be with him at all. He seems to be terrified that I will decide that I deserve better and leave him. AHHH. He seems to be doing a premeditative dumping because that is better than me leaving him and I am not thrilled.

So we are following the advice of a friend. We are removing a lot of the external pressure from our lives in general (crappy commutes and not enough time spent on work stuff) and seeing if we really are interested enough in this relationship to make it work despite the inconvenience of living ~60 miles apart. We are also going to try and find a therapist. Any recommendations? Pretty much anywhere between Hayward and San Jose is good for me and I am going to make him drive further than me. HA! I am absolutely terrifed and we are talking about that. He and Rebecca are both right though. Removing pressure and working through issues will decide if this relationship has a future a whole lot better than me buring my head in the sand and destroying my back will. Commuting is killing me and my car. 🙁

My life is going to be changing a lot. I don’t even know how yet. I’m really really nervous and scared. If this works out then our relationship probably will go the distance. If this doesn’t then it probably wasn’t meant to at all. I’m scared to find out which it will be.

*gasp*

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He responded to my message *and* my email. The he in question is Tom. I haven’t really sat down and had anything resembling a conversation with him since the Ireland trip in January. He said that we could remain friends… Maybe we are ready to start that part? We have been broken up for almost 14 months. How much is it still hurting?

It will be good to see him. I miss him fiercely.

why

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Why do people that I live with prefer masturbation to sex with me within 6 months?
Why do people that I choose as long term partners feel that I am simply too much to deal with?
Why do people that I fall in love with appreciate how physically affectionate I am in the first few months and then complain that I am too clingy?
Why am I apprently such a drain on people’s resources that they simply cannot abide my presense?
Why do I date?
Why do I keep wanting a relationship?

Why fucking bother.

life and stuff

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I’m not going to go into depth about school because I am still pissed off at my district. My kids are great and I am really starting to find my groove.

In totally vain news: I stepped on the scale today and it said 154.5. I am now within my doctors recommended range for me. Doing WW a couple years ago I got down to 157, but I never managed to get to 155. The only thing I’m doing right now is moving a lot more than usual (I am now teaching and running around campus all day) and I am not eating as much or as often because I have serious time contraints and stress.

I’m mostly happy and feeling relatively stable today. *breathe*

Dear God

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I want this day to be over. I am exhausted. This weekend was a mixed bag of good and bad–though mostly good. I am *exhausted* and I just want to fall down. I don’t have class until 7 though. 🙁 I’m being a stupid baby and feeling sad that Puppy makes plans to have dinner with other people but never manages to come home when I can be there. (It’s cause we have the crappiest schedules ever. I have class Mondays and Wednesdays and he has class or group meeting Tuesday and Thursday.)

This weekend was psycho busy. We played a bit and had fun together. I mostly avoided the people I don’t like. The psycho ex was not a problem at all. Though she did set up camp and watch us play on Friday. That was slightly creepy.

I feel utterly without energy. I don’t have the energy to input grades or contact parents or… I don’t fucking care.

Ok. Yeah. End of me whining for today now.

Good grief.

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Ok, the problem with filters is, I want to write about school. That means school filter. I want to write about my upcoming therapy appointment today. That means therapy filter. I want to talk about some of my insecurity filter stuff.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH Fine. I will either write three posts or none at all. Guess we’ll see.

Oh! New icons. Much awesome stuff. Much love to Noah for letting me have these in the first place. 🙂 (Though I have now paid for my own thankyouverymuch)

uhm, uhm uhm…

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Well… I finished my lesson for tomorrow and read the book for the other class and all that mess…

So now I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs. It is 8:30 on a Thursday night and I feel like I want someone to pay attention to me. Puppy is still at work and will be for a while longer (TA duties). I am noticing that teaching means putting a great deal of time and focus outside of me and onto other people. When I finished the reading tonight I stopped and considered the fact that other than eating, the need for sleep, and bathing I haven’t paid attention to myself in the last 48-ish hours. That is a long time for me to not have any personal thoughts! I tried hitting a social event last night for a bit but I was so wrapped up in what I needed to accomplish in planning that I got snappy and impatient immediately and just came home. It’s a weird feeling. I want attention, and yet I know that I have no energy to give to anyone at this point so I’m not seriously thinking about doing anything with anyone else. I feel totally selfish and self-absorbed. I hate that I feel bad for that. I need to be asleep in about an hour and a half and I haven’t noticed myself in more than two days and I feel guilty for wanting to focus on me for what time I have until I sleep? I really am weird.

Or maybe I’m not. Do other people feel guilty when they want to only pay attention to themself? (I’m sure my self-absorbtion of the moment is also related to my speedy reading of Siddhartha tonight.)

I think I should put on a cheesy kids movie, make myself some comfort food that I won’t feel guilty about, and crawl into bed.

I can’t even bring myself to seriously look at what has happened on lj since this weekend. My brain considered it and discarded it out of laziness. I do love you all; I’m just fried.

Drowning

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Wow this week has been brutal!

I haven’t read lj really. I tried skimming… but my brain is fried and there is a novel I have to read tonight because I take over teaching the class tomorrow.

I may still end up teaching another section. Oy. I want them to decide already.

My class is going fairly well. I have next week planned entirely and I am putting finishing touches on the following two weeks. YAY!

I love my Puppy. He has been stepping up in a number of ways that really impress me. I feel very lucky to have him even though having him means I have an evil commute.

I had dinner with a cool guy from school on Tuesday. That was a highlight of the week. 🙂

Still running a defecit on sleep and sex. DAMNIT!!!

Blurbiness

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So I hate updating sans client, but my Semagic is still sucking for unknown reasons.

Confusion is still reigning in response to teaching this semester/year. Hopefully there will be a phone call today helping with that. I talked to fin aid. I’ve been approved and such, I just haven’t been sent my check yet. I can float a bit longer.

I have been watching Katrina news more than I have watched anything since 9/11. I am significantly upset by the whole situation and I can’t put my finger on why exactly. Yes, it is a major tragedy–but why do I feel so personally affected by it? Usually I am somewhat more callous than that. I think in order to survive in America you need to be somewhat callous to the atrocities that occur every day somewhere in the world. We can’t help/fix/whatever everyone. But this one I can’t let go of. I’m sending money and I feel pathetic for only doing that. I am sending more than I can really afford, but who in the hell am I to bitch about money concerns when I still have a home and a stable income and…. yeah. Just do it and all that.

My massive cleaning on Tuesday has been somewhat obliterated by the messiness that is the Puppy. *sigh* Oh well. I am going to finish cleaning the guest room today anyway because it may come in useful tomorrow night. Interesting stuff in the works.

Much oddness still happening in the relationship with the Puppy. He complained enough about my sex drive that it seems to be…. gone. Yeah. I haven’t been able to talk myself into being interested in sex in several days. I feel pretty distant from even the idea of sex. He pointed out that I have an issue with always/never. My sex drive is on or it is off. I either want to have sex four times a day or I am not even vaguely interested. I think it has to do with not wanting to deal with rejection; in order to stop feeling rejected I will turn that part of my body off. Not so good.

He is off to a 15 hour day today. Tomorrow is also likely to be a long day. *sigh* Not much time spent with him lately and that is sad.

I am feeling very disconnected right now. Even when I am standing in front of someone I adore and hugging them, I feel kind of panicky and like I have to run away. Yet I miss them and want to spend time with them. Even when I am with someone I miss them. I don’t know what is going on.

And my tummy is hurting and I’m not sleeping well. Blah.

blurbs

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I woke up this morning and checked my email and promptly became a ranting, raving bitch. Well, I finally got my teaching assignment. It is fourty fucking miles from my house. I ranted and was pissy and nasty for a while. Puppy and I went through a debate about whether I should move to SJ and he should move back up to Berkeley basically for the year. This kind of snapped me out of my nastiness. We decided that would suck more than driving and we want to continue living together. I uhhh don’t get to be all nasty about the 9,000 or so miles I am going to put on my car in the next 5 months… I told him that if he thinks he might want to break up with me he better do it now before I go through that or he is going to end up in the hospital because I will beat him so badly he won’t wake up for a week.

Last night I was thanked for driving a friend around on errands yesterday. I literally stopped and blinked. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to do it. What an interesting thought. I wonder how other people’s brains work. (The thank you was very sweet in any case.)

Still no word on financial aid. However, I think that one is going to work itself out eventually and be ok. I am going to take both loans and let one of them sit in my savings account due to my paranoia about my car dying in the next year. Puppy is much more worried about money than I am. I’m actually kind of worried about his stress level above my own. Money doesn’t get to me the way it seems to get to him.

The MA class this semester turns out to be specifically themes in Californian literature as oppossed to American literature overall. Hrm. Uhm, ok. This class is going to be rather difficult and I am always paranoid when I have one term paper that is 40% of my grade. Can we say, “Don’t fuck up.” It’ll be ok though. I am going to get through this with flying colors, damnit. I want to get an A in this class. Just because I want to have another one on my transcript. 🙂

I think my house is going to be messy for the next few months and I could not care less! 🙂 I am actually all of a sudden *so* grateful that I have already made the decision to not do Dickens. The commute and long hours there on top of my already driving sooooo much and working like crazy would be too much. But now I am really happy that I don’t feel like I am making the decision out of last-minute duress. I really like having things be settled already.

I got another good massage last night. Two in two weeks! My life doesn’t suck. 🙂

I have decided that despite the fact that today did not start off on a great foot, I am going to be in a good mood. I have sang the Bumblebee song to myself three times already and I’m still giggling. Now, I am going to make cookies! I’m going to make sooooo many cookies today. I need to have cookies for sarahh and brian1789 so that they can feel the love as they are on their way to Spain. It isn’t easy going far away from your loved ones for a long time. And cause I’m going to make lots of cookies for them I want to bring some to karenbynight and princeofwands too cause they have been including me in their lives more and more and they make me feel very good about myself. Besides, maybe if I bribe them with good enough cookies they will delay moving away from me by another week or so. *sniff* And and and and… the more I think about making cookies, the more people I think need some cookies. I think the cookie fairy needs to visit a large number of households in the next few days… This means I need to get off my ass!

birthday

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I woke up this morning and thought about my upcoming birthday. I have absolutely no plans and I doubt I am going to make any. I thought about the last five birthdays and how I have spent them primarily with Tom and with Anna. And I cried. Where did my life go? I miss them both so much and it feels like neither of them love me at all anymore and it hurts so much.

I will probably spend my birthday hiding in my house with it as dark as I can make it and crying and mourning the fact that the life I thought I was building died. Puppy will go shooting. Apparently the Puppy is more perceptive and caring than I first gave him credit for. Yay Puppy.

sad

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Sometimes something happens. It doesn’t have to be an important something, just random bickering. But it tells you a lot about who a person is and it tells you a lot about who a community is. Today I think I figured out that I don’t belong in a community. The social values of that community are not ones that I respect or can live by and that means I should walk away instead of dealing with continual upset and difficulty.

It’s sad really. I don’t think it will be that hard though. There are some good people in that community. There are probably three or four people that I will continue to include in my life, but I will simply not be part of that overall dynamic.

I’m worth more than that.

Oh yeah

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And I forgot to mention that when we got home late last night it was to a note on our door from PG&E. There was some sort of power fluctuation and if they fried any of our electronics, please call them and order a claim form.

FUCK. Our modem is toast. Our phones are toast. The microwave that I bought on THURSDAY. The answering machine.

Apparently everything that wasn’t plugged in via a power strip. Mother Fucker.

A new modem is going to be ~ $100. I want to cry.

Productivity in spurts.

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I was supposed to do a bunch of stuff yesterday, but scalding myself at around 11:30 ended my desire to get off my bed and instead I lay very still and cried a lot all day. (Oh. The mark on my stomach is still very red but fading. My arm looks normal. My breast is still very red and angry and unhappy looking, but it doesn’t hurt to touch it.)

So today! Today is the day. I am going to do laundry. I am going to make my whole house clean and ship-shape as we run off for several days again. Most of my house isn’t bad, but there are bits of picking up all over and floors/bathroom stuff could really use a good scrubbing. Not to mention cat care. I already paid bills this morning and have got the living room almost up to snuff.

Still debating whether I’m doing S&P tonight. If I do it won’t be for long and I may show up later. I feel like cooking tonight and stuff. 🙂 I’m just not quite at my most social right now and I am going to be in the company of minimally three people pretty much at all times until Sunday night or Monday. Oy. I think I am going to have to practice keeping my mouth shut. 🙂 Doesn’t mean I don’t like all of the people I will be seeing (ok, there is one girl but she is annoying no matter what) I will just be running on maximal people capacity for a while.

To those wonderful people I get to see this weekend that I don’t get to see much: please feel free to give hugs and snuggles and such. But if at some point I kind of go off and sit by myself it is NOT ABOUT YOU HAVING UPSET ME. Cause you rock. 🙂

woof

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And that is a deadpan, non-emotive woof. I am freakin exhausted. I slept for a couple of hours tonight and I still hurt from exhaustion. I actually got an almost-normal amount of sleep this weekend so I’m not completely sure why I am this tired.

I had quite the weekend. I went down to Santa Cruz with my nephew for the beach burn. During the weekend he did something stupid (he is 15 after all) and I said, “Good going genius.” For the rest of the weekend everyone there called him Genius and it was put on his name tag. He told me he likes it and wants it to stick as his nickname. Odd boy. He was surprised at my ability to track exactly how much alcohol and pot he did over the weekend. I kept telling him, “Dude–these are my friends. Of course they will rat on you.” He stayed at a moderate level though and given that his mother is ok with him using both substances, I kept my mouth shut. I did ask him to stop mid-way through Friday night because I felt he was at the limit of what he should do in a night and he stuck with my recommendation. I was glad. It was interesting taking him down there because he got to see examples of people who use responsibly and people who use irresponsibly and it was kind of cool to see the dichotomy up close. He also handled the sexual innuendo pretty well and told me that the party will be a whole lot more fun when he is over 18 and the girls don’t avoid him like the plague. I can see that….

I learned some lessons this weekend that I have learned before so I feel like a schmuck for not having actually absorbed them before. I don’t like loud, large, anonymous parties. I just don’t. I don’t have fun; I don’t feel safe; I don’t relax. So why do I go to them? I think I believe that they should be fun, or maybe I believe that since I am so much of an extrovert that I must like large parties… right? Well I just don’t. I hate them. And loud music makes my stomach hurt and I get grumpy. I need to not go to them anymore. It isn’t that I am a stick-in-the-mud, I just prefer smaller gatherings.

Puppy and I had a couple of blow-ups and two long and hard discussions. There are things in this relationship that are very hard for me. We really do have trouble communicating. He pointed out that a big part of our problem is that we are too much alike. We are both extremely sensitive and emotional. We both take teasing too seriously and get upset and we both feed off of one another’s upset. ugh. It is like he is a cross between Noah and Tom. He has many of the qualities that I loved so much about Tom, but he wants to process… a lot… Yeah. That is straight up Noah territory. Ostensibly this should be the best of both worlds… if we can figure one another out… I’m scared because I want to run more than I have wanted to run in a very long time. This relationship is absolutely terrifying to me on a basic level and I can’t entirely figure out why.

Introvert v. Extrovert

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I have always thought of myself as a rather extreme extrovert. I could never seem to get enough attention/interaction… you name it. I NEED to be around people.

But… I wonder if I have always felt this way because I was operating from a defecit. I never did get much time with people. I was alone because I had no choice–not because I wanted it. I didn’t have friends consistently until my late teens because we moved so often. I spent most of my childhood alone reading a book–kind of the model of introvert, but I was never happy about it. Starting with when I got involved with theatre at LGHS I fought being alone with all of my strength and energy. I kept up the fight until some ways into my relationship with Tom. I often complained about how boring he was because he wanted to sit at home and watch tv, but I was really part of the problem. I wanted him to stay home, but I wanted him to pay more attention to me. It was a difficult arrangment to figure out.

Now, I have been out and out and out and out for the past few months. I have been out so much that Miss Jenny has complained that I am gone far more than I am home–and it has been true in the main. But I returned from Ireland 26 days ago and I have slept somewhere other than my bed 7 times and no one has slept here. This is a rather drastic shift from how things had been happening in the previous three months. And they are shifting because I want them to. I have essentially turned down sex because I knew the person would want to spend the night/snuggle afterwards and I just wasn’t in the headspace for it. I am sleeping alone because I want to. I am breaking dates and staying home because I don’t want to deal with people. It is weird. This is entirely counter to the image I have of myself. I have even skipped some dance things because I just didn’t want to deal with people. I am having more and more trouble getting out of the house on time for dates/events because I just can’t bring myself to face the people. It really isn’t that I don’t want to see/don’t like the people–because I do. I really love and treasure the people in my life. But I’m feeling very overwhelmed by them.

For a while I’m going to try to go to events on my own rather than have a date. If I already have a date with you scheduled, I’m going to try to keep it–but please don’t take it personally if I cancel. I just feel over peopled right now. It’s like I am caving in under the pressure. The semester has begun and despite the fact that my grades weren’t that bad last semester, I need them to be higher this semester. This is going to necessitate more time spent on school.

I don’t know how this is going to play out. But I’m beginning to think I might actually be an introvert who manages to survive fairly well in an extrovert world rather than the extrovert I have always believed.

Very odd.