Tag Archives: life

What the freak

All of a sudden I am getting nervous.

I don’t know why. I like flying. I am fine with flying alone. I like Julia and I am excited to see her. I have done everything I need to do. I’m even packed with more than an hour to spare!

Why am I nervous? I don’t get it. In about 9 hours I will be able to snuggle my girly. That will be lovely. Nothing nervous making in that…

I feel like I need to memorize my house and I don’t know why. I guess I could do more futzing with stuff to bring. I haven’t actually decided yet if I want to bring grading or not. I kind of think that I should give myself permission to not have to carry the *weight*. I will have more than a week when I get back to grade. I will just bring a couple of books. I am going to read Huck Finn for the first time (I’m going to teach it in about 6 weeks–I should read the freakin thing) and I should bring one or two that are just candy for me. Ok, picked them out and they aren’t pure candy but they sound good. The Bonfire of the Vanaties and Tom Jones. It’ll be good. 🙂

I’m trying to convince myself that I am independent and that I like alone time. It hasn’t worked yet.

Today I have:

Completely updated my grades for both classes and given the seniors the opportunity to make up a bunch of points.

I am currently substituting.

I sent an email to the parent I needed to give makeup work to.

I updated the assignment information to the website.

When this period ends I need to:
Go pick up my paycheck.
Drop off all the crap I am *not* taking home over break.
Clean up my desk.
Turn in the attendance sheet.

Then I need to go home and do laundry and pack. I am getting picked up at 6. I will have around 4 hours to get ready. I can do it. 🙂

I am amazed that I have actually managed to get everything done!

{my shit} family blow up

So my sister has some serious problems. She is a drug addict and an alcoholic. She was doing well for several years and now she is off the wagon again. She is choosing to host parties for her children’s friends in which many teenagers get very drunk and often there is a lot of pot involved. As a mandated reporter, I have a problem with this. I also have a problem with the abusive environment in which she is raising her children. She is an alcoholic, with all the erratic behavior that entails. I believe it would be best for her children to be taken away from her.

Let me try to start the story of yesterday from the beginning.

My mom called yesterday morning just to chat and the topic of my sister eventually came up. I expressed my concern about the parties that my sister hosts and told my mother the stories that my sister has relayed about some of the parties. (A 12 year old with severe alcohol poisoning and a 14 year old girl taking on multiple guys at once and having it be photographed and then put on the internet being the stories that bother me the most.) There was to be a party last night and legally I have to report it. I just wasn’t sure how hard to push it. My mother encouraged me, nay–begged me to call the police and do anything in my power to have my sister’s children taken away. I felt rather conflicted and I didn’t decide what to do while on the phone with her. I talked to my brother about it and he thinks that anything that could cause my sister to lose her children would be for the best. A little while later my mother called back and told me she has been thinking about the situation like crazy and she has to tell me that if I decide to do this and my sister ever finds out that it was me who turned her in I cannot let on that my mother knew about it. My mother explicitly told me that she would call me a liar if I ever said she knew anything about it. I got rather hysterical and yelled, “Just like my father called me a liar?” and hung up the phone.

The rest of the day was a series of overly frantic and urgent phone calls to various friends who have knowledge of the legal system and a family friend who is a lawyer and my brother. My brother and I had some really hard and crappy phone calls. Eventually I decided to go over to my sister’s house and check the party out for myself before I decided what to do. By 7:30 they were out of beer and the people who bring the hard alcohol and pot weren’t at this party. This would not be the time to call the police in my opinion. Very little would happen. I still have to file a report with CPS, but that can be done as a teacher and my name won’t be involved in the investigation. My sister will think it is one of my niece or nephew’s teachers.

So there was this huge, nasty, dramatic day for… not much of anything. I hate my family. I will not be spending Christmas with my mother. My brother is going to be talking with my mother today and he told me that if she does not show a rather drastic change of attitude she will no longer have access to his children either because she is perpetuating the cycle of alcoholism and abuse. It is going to be difficult to explain to my sister what is going on and why I am not going to be there, but oh well.

I don’t have a father. I don’t have a mother. My sister is an alcoholic, abusive person who cannot seem to break the cycle she is in. She is headed for another downward spiral and I cannot and will not be a part of it nor condone it. My brother is a controlling, belligerant asshole and talking with him always leaves me more frazzled and upset than I was before. As much as I don’t want to, I need to completely cut my bio-family out of my life. They are destroying themselves and they want to take me down with them. I simply do not have the strenth to be involved with them and maintain appropriate boundaries for myself.

I am tired of this whole mess. I can see no way in which I have benefitted. I feel so incredibly alone and it hurts.

distracted

Today the things I could do include: Dickens Fair, kinky flea and/or fandango, and helping friends move.

I think I will stay home and catch up on all the crap I have to do. My lesson plans have to be so detailed that it will blow the mind of my supervisor when she shows up on Wednesday. I assume they are all going to be 2-3 pages in length. 🙁 I need to do the take home final for my assessment class. I need to catch up on grading because I am woefully behind. I need to finish cleaning my kitchen and do dishes. I need to spend some freakin time with my cat. I need to finish up The Mayor of Casterbridge and write all of the reading quizzes for the week. I need to figure out what activity I am going to do with my Gatsby kids the week after Christmas break to help them become more involved in the book and wrap up their understanding.

I would like to bake cookies. I would like to start cinnamon rolls, but I don’t think that will happen this year. Cookies are doable though. I feel disappointed by the acknowledgment that I simply will not be able to get to cinnamon rolls this year. It is a time and energy and even a space thing. Maybe I will make some after Christmas just for the hell of it? I also don’t need to make a triple batch. Just one batch for me. It would take less time, energy, and space. Hm. Think about that later.

I want my house completely tidy today. I am very close to tidy right now, but I’m just not there. I also need to vaccuum somewhat desperately.

Oh, btw… I changed my plans for this weekend radically from what I thought I was going to do.
It all started when Marcus flaked on me.

Craziness

So, this weekend is going to be pretty psycho.

This afternoon my goal is to finish cleaning up my house because it is craptastic and it is really making me go nuts. If I get a hold of my friend Marcus I am going to head up to the city this evening and see him. I decided that it would be a good thing. He has been a friend since I was 17 and we have gone through different phases of closeness but he has been doing his best to step up to the plate lately. I will be crashing at his house tonight. In the morning I am going to head over to Hayward to help my lovelies with packing theirtruck so that they can move. Then I will trot up to therapy. 🙁 We’ll see how well I manage after that. If I am still feeling buff and strong and such I will go back to help my friends move. It may not happen though because I am already feeling very fragile emotionally and if I am not up for it I can’t force myself. 🙁 Saturday night my friend is having a housewarming and I haven’t seen him in forever. I will probably go over cause he lives about a mile from me.

Sunday I am grading and doing lesson plans and helping my friends unload their hot tub in the afternoon.

I haven’t decided if I will let Phil come down. I do have his Christmas present…

🙁

ow.

This morning I am so tired I hurt. I will somehow manage to get through today… I don’t really know how… but I will. Then as soon as I finish teaching I am going home and I am sleeping. I am on the verge of loosing my voice too. 🙁

My throat hurts and what I did yesterday

I wanted to go back to Fezzi’s and help out today because they are terribly short staffed, but my throat has picked today to give out on me. This sucks in terms of helping Fezzi’s because it is far more important that I rest my throat so that I can work this week. It is better for my ability to get the work done today that I wanted to get done though. A mixed bag of results I suppose.

Yesterday was interesting. I was incredibly productive first thing in the morning and then I went to a friend’s house because she is moving and getting rid of a bunch of stuff. At her house I acquired enough knitting stuff to satisfy the Christmas wish that I had and then some. She also gave me a freak load of candles, which I appreciate cause I am getting into them in a big way again. Then I went to Noah’s ex-girlfriend’s garage sale. (It has been interesting meeting her in general. It is solidifying some of what I know/believe about Noah.) She is getting rid of basically everything she owns because she is going to be living in Japan and will have no room for it. I got a bunch of clothes, some movies, and a bread machine for $33. Dude. I have always wanted a bread machine…. 🙂 The back of my car is stuffed to the gills and I didn’t have the energy to unload it last night.

Cause after the garage sale I went up to Dicken’s and spent around six hours there. I watched shows and danced and talked to people that I like and miss. It was weird being there. I felt like I belonged there and yet like an outsider. I miss working a great deal. Thus I offered to come help and work today, but that is not to be. 🙁

Then I went to my sister’s party. I felt like a judgmental, uptight prig. Apparently she has tossed the concept of “sober” to the winds and I wasn’t actually aware of that. They all got high and sat around drinking while bitching about their dead-end, mindless jobs. I was really glad that I had a friend show up. What in the hell am I going to talk to them about? The pressure of grad school and having a job that demands so much time and energy that I am about to drop from exhaustion when they are bitching about not being allowed to work remotely so that they can actually not work instead of having to mask their not-working in the office? Uhm, yeah. Not exactly the brightest lightbulbs in the box. And my cousins were there with a bunch of their friends and I have no respect for any of them. The one who is doing ok and is somewhat successful is now an assistant manager at Burlington Coat Factory. The other two don’t manage to hold a retail job for very long without getting fired. All of the girls in the group looked like they starve themselves in order to not get fat. It was kind of gross watching the guys chow down and the girls were standing off to the side staring at the food with longing. I didn’t have anything to drink and I don’t really like pot much anyway so I skipped that. It was mindless escapism and I don’t want to do that. My day-to-day life is not something I need to run away from. It is a crazy amount of work and pressure, but I am happy with what I have worked for and achieved. One of the adults there was the father of my cousin’s boyfriend and his other daughter was there as well. He was talking about his prison time and how his third wife is 28 right now. He is 42. He bragged about how he may have to get older but he doesn’t have to grow up. I am a judgmental bitch and I thought he was pretty pathetic. In fact, I think I should avoid my sister’s events in the future because I don’t really contribute positively to the environment…

This morning I have…

Cleaned my kitchen and dealt with packaging and freezing all the food I needed to deal with. It’s about damn time (the stuff is still ok… I ate some…).
I cleaned my room and put away all of the clothes that have been accumulating.
I put away all the toys.
I sorted a bunch of stuff for me to list on freecycle tomorrow.
I hung my pink fuzzy shower curtain over my window in the living room.
Cleaned up my bathroom and put away all the stuff that Puppy dumped on me.

What I still have to do in my house:
clean off the coffee table
list all the stuff on freecycle and get it out of my house
organize some paperwork
hang all of my pictures
figure out some sort of ritual to make this space less toxic for me. I don’t like that I walk in here and feel empty and vulnerable and sad.
do laundry
little pick up stuff
clean the toilet and shower, vacuum… I think that is it. I think I can get most of that done this weekend even with the fact that I won’t be home for the rest of today. 🙂

Although–tomorrow I have to do lesson planning like crazy. And the scary lady is going to be observing my class. 🙁 I’m willing to bet that I will spend about three hours on that. I also need to finish my paper for assessment. I’m trying to decide if I am going to decorate for Christmas. Actually, that might be the very ritual I need to make this my home. Christmas is a huge deal for me personally and I have been building up a lot of negative associations over the last few years. I am single this year. I haven’t actually been ‘single’ through Christmas before. I have always been involved with somoene and my enjoyment was tied up in whether or not they were around/doing what I wanted to do. This year I get to figure out what matters to me and what rituals and traditions are just for me. That is both freeing and terrifying. Who am I?

Today I am grateful for…

Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.

Have I mentioned Julia yet? I am not going to sit here crying the whole week before Christmas now. I am going to be in Boston seeing one of the most wonderful women on the planet. I am so grateful for my friends.

the fact that I am so healthy that my doctor will remark how unusual it is.
Jamba Juice once again. I tried the other cherry one…. I’m going to stick with the orange mix.

*grrrr*

My doctor says that I am remarkably, almost freakishly healthy. Everything is as optimal as can possibly be hoped for. She thinks I should go see a gastro-intestinal specialist and I don’t have insurance for that until January, I think most of the way through January. Although Jamba Juice has helped remarkably and I think I may be able to get my calorie count to a reasonable level with a shot of that every day. Yes, I should buy the fruit and make it at home. I’m too apathetic and I just won’t get around to eating at all that way.

It is strange how my body and my emotions are just completely fucked over and upset and yet I’m doing really well at teaching. I am somehow managing to suck it up.

Today I am grateful for…

cherry orange whatever from jamba juice. It was soooooooo good and it stayed down.
Peter because he told me to try jamba juice and he listened to me whine and freak out and just generally have panic attacks.
my California Lit professor because she granted me an incomplete so that I can do my paper for her over Christmas break instead of while I am tearing my hair out.
Marcie because she has endless patience with my whining and misery.
Angela because she is willing to be mommy.
Rebecca because she is going to Dickens with me and my sisters party and invited me to do something with her on Friday. She is on a one woman compaign to keep me from calling Puppy in tears and I appreciate it.
J because he has called and emailed and is trying to be so very supportive.
my seniors because they told me that they really liked the lesson on Monday that I was ripped apart for and they think I am doing a great job and they said that they are going to be very unhappy to lose me at the semester because I am a great teacher.
my juniors because I ripped them a new one and was really harsh today and the end response was them telling me that they know they are hurting themselves and they are going to try harder.
having my experiment with wait time pay off. 1st period started off deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead and then I just sat there and stared at them and they eventually had a brilliant discussion!
my master teacher for rocking my socks off every day with her support and encouragement.
my coworkers for entertaining me till so late at night so I don’t feel like I have to go home alone and feel shitty.

It is 8:10 pm

And I am at school. Admittedly mostly because of the internet access, although I have been making copies for the last 45 minutes. Today I graded papers and puttered around getting my apartment together and did the lesson plans for tomorrow. I am not getting ahead on lesson plans. I suck. I do always prepare the day in advance though. Further than that seems to be beyond my abilities right now. 🙁 I still haven’t cried. My cat is still being odd. She spends most of her time hiding in the closet, but she comes out and bugs the crap out of me when I am trying to sleep.

Now it is 8:20. I’m stapling together my huge pile of copies now. I haven’t seen anyone I would consider a friend in more than 48 hours and I am unlikely to see a friendly face until Friday. More than 48 hours ago and on Friday that face will be Puppy’s. I’m once again doing as Rebecca says and working hard, but it is lonely. This Friday is the end of the grading period and I am pretty buried under paperwork. Woof. I did get both sets of essays graded today. I feel good about that. I have a bunch of reading quizzes and vocabulary to grade. Blah. I might tackle more of that when I go home tonight. Maybe. If I am a good girl. I am getting internet at my house tomorrow. YAY!

Now a teacher is here talking to me. I’ll be social.

I’m a loser baby

(Not really, but since I’m on a song lyric naming scheme.)

Today went better than I thought it would. I am nearing completion on packing. I am not 100% done on my unit plan, but close enough that I am going to seriously impress my master teacher. I haven’t done any grading though. I suck! I was in a horrible horrible mood for most of the day, at least until about 2:30. Crying and generally being a total spaz. Then we had sex. (First time in a week.) Now I’m in a good mood and feeling ok and more stable. I really wish he understood this correlation better and volunteered sex more regularly. It is a whopping 8pm and Ken has left. (The annoying best friend was here for dinner and a movie; we all played nice and got along well.)

I’m tired. I think I am going to pass out by about 9:30 and pray I sleep until 6. I am going to go into work early and get some stuff ready for my kids. Oh! I need to go create a pop quiz for my stupid seniors! They pissed me off on Thursday. It is horrible that having sex makes me feel like I can actually handle all that is on my plate.

Oh! And the teacher I hate will be absent on Wednesday. We are just watching a movie in class. 🙂 The week won’t suck!

Frustration

My new laptop behaved poorly today. It would not transfer the image to the projector and it is being funky about returning from sleep mode. Mother Fucker. And it won’t connect to the network at my house. It hasn’t since I got on Kevin’s network. Or rather, it gets on and then disconnects every five minutes. This means I: use Puppy’s computer (with the keyboard that seriously sucks) or I sit on the floor in the cold gun room. I am not thrilled with either option. I hate netgear.

My seniors are little bastards and I think I am going to have a pretty heavy duty drink in about five minutes.

Puppy wanted to stay at lab tonight so that he could spend the time with Ken. But that isn’t what he told me originally. Just that he though he should test run it. I feel like he isn’t being up front. Why do I have to play 20 fucking questions.

I have not gotten any packing done recently and I am upset with myself for it.

I’m actually thinking about going and looking at a bunch of apartments tomorrow and basically signing a lease and starting to move next week. This commute is just horrible. I feel like I am wasting soooo much time.

I have to do two unit plans basically within the next week. I have two new units starting in 10 days and I am freakin out. The two units are on poetry and The Mayor of Casterbridge my least favorite part of teaching English (poetry) and a book I sort of read once last year. No one else in the school has taught it before so I get to make it all up from scratch. This is good and bad.

I need to get started on my seminar paper the sooner the better. I have about a month left on that.

I have something like four books that I should read in the next two weeks.

My juniors are doing well though.

I think tonight will be lesson planning and crying.

I have these plans of being social this weekend. Uhm, it may not happen. Depends on how much I get done tonight. 🙁

If you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

“If you need something, ask for it.” Easier said than done, lemmetellyou. A lot of what is going on with me lately is feeling scared and lonely and trapped and helpless. For me a lot of this manifests as feeling little. But my relationship with Puppy is firmly “big” and so I don’t have much space to work through those feelings in my current environment. So I’m creating a space where I can be little for at least a couple of hours this weekend. I am so grateful to and for my friends. When you think about it, it is kind of odd to talk to a friend and say, “Can I come over and be little this weekend?” I miss my Daddy right now. I have sent Tom a couple of emails and he is ignoring them. I know he is overwhelmed at work though so I’m trying not to take it personally. The last time he and I talked about it I asked him if he would still be my Daddy and he said yes, but that was well over a year ago.

I don’t know what I want or what I need right now. Today I’m not feeling well–tickly throat and achey stomach–and it is contributing to me just not feeling big. I know what I ‘need’ to get done for school but I just want to hide under the covers. I hear a visit from the waaaaaaaaaambulance coming.

*sigh* Must be productive today. This morning even. SUCK.

stuff to do and stuff to not want to think about

Tomorrow my goals are:
Make the guest room neat. It doesn’t really matter that it is a mess, but I hate it and want the mess to go away.
Lug all of the bags out of the gun room down to the garage.
Start sorting out books that I will not need in the next year and pack them.
Finish grading the papers for the seniors and get mygradebook up to date for the juniors. Which means checking their WW, reading quiz, and vocabulary tests. I should put in their some of their upcoming points.
Put together lecture on suffering.

Stuff to not think about:
Why am I staying in this relationship?
Why is he completely unwilling to defend me when his family says rude/mean/hurtful things about me?
Where am I going to spend Thanksgiving?
Where am I going to spend Christmas?
Where will I be living in a year?
Why do I pick men who are unwilling to pay attention to me?

prep for moving

So far I have collected 24 grocery bags worth of books to get rid of (maybe half of one of those bags is Puppy’s stuff) and I have a lawn trimming bag of clothes. We are going to be getting rid of a bunch of kitchen stuff as well. I can feel my belongings cry as they think of going away. 🙁

But Jesus Christ on a pogo stick by the third move in just over a year it is time to pare down.