Tag Archives: life

Just another day in paradise.

5 Replies

So I’ve been feeling boring lately because all I write about is complaining about boredom. So I’ve been thinking about things.

This is what it feels like to have everything I always wanted. I have the best husband ever in the history of the world. He is supportive, communicative, willing to do anything I ask, and he’s the best sex partner I’ve ever had. That’s not a combination I thought existed. I win.

I’ve wanted to have a baby for a long time. Ok, so I haven’t had the easiest pregnancy in the history of the world–but by and large it’s not so bad. I’ve actually been aware of the bedrest risk since before I got pregnant. I have Menieres and it’s super common to end up on bedrest. It gets increasingly common as you get older which is why I needed to start having babies fairly young. (I don’t actually think that my preterm labor was related to the Menieres, but the risk was present for me anyway so I’m not as shocked as I could be.) And for all that my pregnancy isn’t the easiest it hasn’t actually been that hard. Given the prize I have at the end of the journey it’s been worth absolutely all the difficulty.

I may not live in the house of my absolute dreams, but I live in a comfortable house. We own this house and can afford the mortgage. We have all the financial safety I ever frantically aspired to. Sure, as soon as my ability to eat settles down we need to go back to cooking and stop eating out all the time, but I won’t want to go out with a baby anyway. 🙂 For now I am getting to eat out as much as my poverty-stricken-inner-little-girl wants to. This is cool.

I have amazing friends. They are supportive and awesome. When I put up a message asking to borrow DVDs within 24 hours I had more than 50 of them delivered to my house. If I were up for being social I could see people seven days a week and have good quality time with each person if I wanted. That’s really amazing to me.

So yeah. I’m happy. My life is really great. Yeah, I get angsty sometimes but that’s becoming a lower a lower percentage of my time because when I stop to think about what I have I am blown away by how awesome my life is.

And now I go snuggle my Noah.

3 Replies

Wow did I hit done with bed rest today. I’ve been up and about too much. Luckily I haven’t had a problem yet. I should stop before I do.

But uhhh some of the cupboards in my kitchen are now much more organized. It was the only thing I could think of to do while sitting relatively still and not lifting anything heavy.

And I’ve folded a freakload of laundry. I no longer have this amusing image in my head of my kid being naked for the whole first week of life. 🙂

I need a house boy/girl for a while. Then I could sit in one place and direct. Then I wouldn’t be driving Noah nuts. Have I mentioned that I love and worship my husband? Have I mentioned that he is the best thing ever? He is so patient and helpful and awesome. But I’m really overwhelming him right now. I need to chill out.

Doesn’t help that I’m not sleeping well right now. The past few nights have involved a lot of nightmares. So I’m all weird and buggy anyway. This too shall pass.

bits and pieces

4 Replies

-I’m tired. I’m always tired. But it’s nap time now and instead of curling up for my (almost) daily nap I have to go get in the (rental) car and drive to school. Does anyone else see why this is bad? I’m in class until 9:45 tonight. Then I get to drive home. No really. Does anyone else see why this is bad? Considering that I am driving a rental car cause I rear ended someone while falling asleep? Awesome.

-For some reason LJ isn’t showing me icons. Not mine, not anyone else’s and I don’t know why.

-The continued evolution of sex during pregnancy is confusing and difficult and complicated by a few very specific things right now. I really wish I could feel more secure right now.

-I messed up giving Puff her medicine this morning. 🙁 I was overzealous and I managed to push the medicine out harder and faster than is good and I think I sent it “down the wrong pipe.” She struggled to get away after that and was pretty miserable as she kind of coughed/sneezed for a while. I feel bad.

-I’m overall not feeling very intellectually with-it right now. Although, I have to say, despite feeling like I am walking in a foggy haze I like Derrida. He’s a snotty French Deconstructionist. Now I have a name for the pedantic over-analyzing that I like to do! Yay! You can’t take things at face value because language is inherently flawed. This rocks my socks off.

-Including today I have six days of class left. That’s it. Period. That’s the end of my classes for my degree. That’s pretty intense. Of course, I still need to pass the comp exam and the language test. I’ll worry about that later.

-Still feeling kind of sad and withdrawn. I’m sorry I don’t have more to give anyone.

-My therapist should be calling in the next day or two to schedule an appointment. Have I mentioned that I’ve missed her?

-Freaked out about selling the house now. I don’t know how I really feel about the possibility of not moving any year soon because we missed the housing market bubble. It isn’t worth it to sell our house at a really low price. It will mean staying for a while, maybe quite a while. I was really adjusted to the idea of leaving so now I don’t know how to reconcile staying. There are good things about staying, but in my head I was already half gone…

Worth mentioning

9 Replies

Lately I am sucking ass at responding to people or giving them feedback/attention. Many of my friends could really use some feedback and/or attention right now and I’m just unable to give it. I feel like I am being terrible and selfish but there’s just not much there to give. I’m only responding to emails if I can do it in one line. I was super social for a little over a week and now I’m not making more plans because people need actual attention.

I’m sleeping all day and then I’m still tired enough to rear end someone at 5pm. Those long blinks are a serious problem. (Insert swear words of choice here.)

I need to pull out of this depression jag soon.

Snippets

14 Replies

We went down to Monterey on Saturday. The day didn’t go how I expected, but it was good anyway. I got to walk on the beach and that was mostly what I was jonesing for.

I haven’t called Katie cause I suck. I know it.

Because of weird holiday-ness I don’t have class tonight so I effectively get two full weeks off from school. This is nice because I don’t want to work and this is bad because it lets me procrastinate on the seminar papers I need to write. Erf.

Today I will go help Miss Jenny pack. Sometimes you just need a little help from your friends. I asked Noah if he was comfortable with me going because I would probably be pretty physical. He’s been very concerned about me not pushing myself too far cause I tend to do that sort of thing physically. Though not this pregnancy. Man am I a slug.

I like to complain. I know this about myself. The thing is–I don’t have much to complain about these days. This is totally awesome on one hand, but it means that I am bitching about stupid shit. Like the fact that I have only gained 12 lbs, but I am still to the point where I have outgrown most of the fucking maternity clothes. I am feeling quite fussy that maternity clothes makers claim that you should keep buying your pre-pregnancy size. BULLSHIT!!!! Right now I am wearing size 18 in maternity clothes. Only it’s hard to bloody *find* size 18 maternity clothes. Maybe I just have no clue where to look? That’s up two full god damn sizes from normal. I don’t understand. And my belly is big enough that my midwife is commenting that I look full term. WTF?! WHERE IS IT COMING FROM?!?!! I’m very confused. And I’m carrying really low. So the “below the belly” maternity pants cut in the middle of the belly and hurt. So I’m rolling them down. This leads to lots of clothing-malfunction-anxiety. Mostly I’m wearing mens XXL pajama bottoms. And feeling like a cow. It’s awesome.

(It’s worth pointing out that I don’t mind being the size I am. I mind that in order to be comfortable I am wearing the ugliest, most shapeless clothing made. I would really appreciate it if I could still wear something cute once in a while. I have some dresses, but then I need to shave my legs [sorry, American guilt is in full force here] and that’s a pain in the ass. And WTF is up with most maternity dresses being above the knee?!?!! Haven’t the fucking clothing makers noticed that I CAN’T CLOSE MY FLIPPIN LEGS ANYMORE!?!?!?!)

I think I’m done now. 🙂

Since it came up.

34 Replies

I was reminded yesterday that I make a lot of references to my background that I don’t explain at the time. Part of the lack of explanation is that I have written about a lot of it in some detail over the years but I suppose it is complete narcissism to assume that people will go back and read my whole archives (not a small task) in order to find out more about me. 🙂 (I actually do that sometimes. Depends on how busy I am when I pick up a new journal.) I’m also spoiled because Noah has read my whole archive two or three times and since I seem to be the center of his universe, of course I must be for other people as well… right? 🙂 So if you have spent years reading me and you don’t want to see this again, or if you just don’t care, feel free to skip the rest of this post.
Continue reading →

Appreciation

2 Replies

So uhhh I have had a rather rocky few days. I’ve been really emotional and sad and punchy and difficult to deal with. By and large my friends have been really supportive. I’m glad that I mostly have my friends trained to not tell me to look on the bright side and instead they pat me on the head and validate my feelings. I really appreciate that. Noah is the best husband ever. Even though it was pretty obvious near the end that he was getting frazzled and wore out he was really supportive and awesome. He never put down what I was feeling or told me that I should get over it. (Even when maybe I should.) And so in the end when that string of feeling really fussy and unhappy got worked through I don’t feel bad about having gone through it. I’m pregnant and largely at the mercy of hormones. I have friends and a husband who love me and tolerate my moods. My life is really good.

And then I went and got a pretty neat rocker today from . Too bad I left the cushion at her house. 🙂 Guess I’ll have to see if anyone up in the east bay wants to see me sometime this week so I can make the drive multi-purpose. 🙂

+/-

Leave a reply

+ Listening to Barack Obama’s speech. He’s a fucking amazing speaker.
– Getting back my short paper with an embarrassing number of grammar mistakes. I don’t know where my head is.
+ Being more generally cheerful about the Lizard hatching.
– Why do I always manage to have a couple of people in each class who detest me and make it obvious? Am I really *that* obnoxious?
+ Yay Spring Break!
– Boo having to write my term papers in the next four weeks. Ew.
+ I’m amused by how often questions have come up in different forums about playing while pregnant. I don’t remember seeing this question much over the years and now I’ve seen it in I think seven different places.
+ Friends who are making an effort to see me. Thank you!
+ Lots of neato comments/conversation lately on lj. Yay!
+ Noah. Cause you know… just awesome. He’s like that.
+ For finally taking the risk of buying bras online. I may have to send them back for sizing, but damnit… I finally did it.
– I’m rapidly expanding out of my pants. Can it hurry up and get warm and stay warm already? (Neiner to you out of state people. We’ve had a lot of high 60’s lately. 🙂
– The house is not sold. No offers. No real interest in even looking. 🙁
+ The shirt and underwear (and rope) showed up from Monk. I’m thinking pictures will be very amusing. 🙂
+ Talking to Tom a bit more. I’m really excited that we are more to a place where I will actually use the word “friend” to describe our relationship. And I get to be excited about the good things happening in his life. It’s nice when awesome people find a partner who matches them and makes them happy. And dude is doing yoga!! I’m so tweaked by this. 🙂 Yay for making life improvements.
– Need to stop reading blogs that irritate me. My life is really good–why am I looking for reasons to be annoyed?
+ Apologizing to Mo for being a twat. I feel better when I get to say I’m sorry. Good thing she still loves me.
– People I haven’t called lately. I should try harder. Miss them.

Boring.

8 Replies

Right now my life consists of: reading literary criticism, reading assigned novels for class, cleaning the house (we have to keep it ridiculously clean for open houses), playing sudoku (I can beat the medium level in under 6 minutes consistently), chatting (thank you GOD for IM), going to physical care appointments and birth classes, and obsessing about pregnancy.

No wonder when I get to see people I am super duper cheerful about seeing them. 🙂 We are managing social about twice a week and I’m so grateful when I get to see people. This is a really really good time to want to come visit me. I don’t have a lot of energy and I am getting more and more physically limited, but I can walk around the park. Driving is really not fun for my back so I’m not going too far if I don’t have to. Large parties are not very interesting because they tend to be full of people I don’t know and I’m not exactly feeling outgoing/gregarious in that way. I can’t win over a room right now. So really, if you have been saying, “Oh! I would like to see her!” This would be a good time. If you wanting to see me involves me having to do a lot of effort and/or driving I may turn you down cause I am lame. But if people want to come here that would be awesome. 🙂

Ahhhh man….

3 Replies

Well, let me proudly display my gold metal. I won an argument on the internet. Person who said I was bashing people backed down really fast when I went through point by point giving background explanation.

I joined a mailing list for an argument and I only got in one round? Dangit. Oh well. Guess I’ll have to give up being fussy on that one. 🙂

Just another day in paradise.

6 Replies

Our only concession to VD was to give one another silly cards. Technically, I do this randomly sometimes so it isn’t that big of a stretch. He did bring home flowers, but…. he does that every so often too. (I REALLY like getting flowers, so he probably does it in the neighborhood of once a month.)

We had pizza bites for dinner. I made brownies so we had brownies a la mode for dessert. We danced around the living room when silly music came on. I won my first game of Monopoly ever!!! (I’m kind of excited about this. I *always* lose.)

It’s probably time to call it a night so we can rest up for the long, long, long……. weekend. 🙂 Hope to see lots of people this weekend! Maybe I’ll even be in a good mood! Offer me food. 🙂 I like chips and chocolate right now. 🙂

That’s that.

8 Replies

My work email was shut off today. Guess I won’t be looking at it again. Oh well.

Current countdowns:
Con begins in: 14 days. Woof. Are we ready?
I have 13 more class sessions left on my MA. No pressure.
The comp exam for my MA is in: 9 weeks. I need to freakin read more. Stupid poetry.
The kid is due in: roughly 16 weeks.

It’s really interesting to be aware that once I finish the con, the MA, and have the kid I’m not on any time schedules for anything. We want to move to PA as soon as is reasonable, but we don’t have a firm date on this. We want this house sold soon, but there isn’t a mandatory date. I’m going to be just sort of floating in space. I don’t think I have had that in my life before. I have had periods where I knew I didn’t have to do anything for a month or two before the grind started again, but I have no grind to look forward to.

Holy shit.

Observations

19 Replies

Pittsburgh is cold.
Victorian houses are pretty.
I have massive inferiority complexes.
I don’t maintain an even temperament well when my sleep schedule is completely fucked up.
My cat really misses me when I am gone for the weekend.
I lap up praise from professors like it is the best ice cream on the planet.

And then, completely randomly, I was thinking about this other thing…
Continue reading →

Semi-obligatory emotional post

Leave a reply

I have woken up in a bad mood for several days in a row and that is highly abnormal. Usually I wake up all sunny and happy. That’s why I consider myself a morning person. Even if I go to sleep in a bad mood I usually wake up happier. I’ve been going to sleep feeling fine and waking up kind of angry and fussy.

WTF?

I talked to my mom yesterday. I asked for clarification about something she said to me when I called to tell her about Francesca. I felt hurt by what she said then but I wasn’t sure she meant it the way I took it. So I asked. Novel. She clarified and I can see both why I took it the way I did and what she meant and how what she meant wasn’t so bad. It was good. This whole “asking for clarification” thing seems to be working out.

I keep waffling between grieving hard for Francesca and being numb and forgetful. I feel like I am in a fog a lot of the time. I’m still pushing hard to get stuff done to the house this week. Classes are supposed to start tonight and I’m having registration issues. (My department has record of me filing for leave, registration doesn’t. @#%@(#)$) This week is the last really hard push for house stuff because the open house is this weekend while we are in Pittsburgh. After that, the house is pretty much going to be whatever it is. Tough titty said the kitty!

That means that starting on Monday my life is going to calm down. I won’t have a job. I won’t have obnoxious parents to deal with. I won’t be working on the house semi-frantically. I will have: school two nights a week, a really heavy reading load but that’s not scary for me, my frequent rounds of appointments (acupuncture, therapy, midwife, Chris pictures), and I need to start prenatal yoga and birth classes. Oy. I keep reminding myself that this is *less* stress/time commitments than I am used to.

*fret*
*worry*
*angst*

Ok, I’ll try to stop being a moron now.

In other news

1 Reply

I got to ST today to finish packing and my energy just tanked. I can’t believe how tired I am all the time. Maybe I feel like this because I don’t really want to do this work? Hm. (Yes, I slept a lot last night.)

So little time and so much to do. Have to move whether I like it or not.

Things I am looking forward to about moving.

3 Replies

There will be no drama around scene involvement. I probably won’t really get into the scene for a number of years so I get to be drama-free. Wheeeeeee

I won’t have to fix up a house that I have never really wanted to live in. I’m encountering a lot of physical resistence to this task. My body just doesn’t want to do it. It isn’t that the house is awful or that I am *that* bitter about anything in particular. It’s just not someplace that I chose. I have gotten to actually choose exactly one place I have ever lived. I really want my own house to work on. Where I will get to enjoy the fruits of my labor for years and years instead of trying to drive up the sale price.

I want to pick a house and move in and figure out where everything goes with no history behind any of the rooms or furniture arrangements. We also get to buy furniture basically for an entire house. A new bed. Probably new bedding. I will get to pick *everything* (with Noah, of course) but none of it will be stuff that I just have to accept. I get new stuff. Ok, so I’m probably going to try to buy a lot of it used but it will still have no history for me. Yay!

I will maintain contact with the people I really like and there won’t be much in the way of hard feelings when I drift away from people. It will be easy to see who actually cares about keeping in touch with me. No more feeling pressured to go to a party because I like one person. Yay!

A new start. Many people in my life have known me for a very long time. They react to me in very set ways that don’t always reflect the ways that I and they and our relationship have changed. It will be nice to not have to deal with this situation so much.

I will get to start traditions of my own with my family without having to accomodate the many things people want me to be involved with. I don’t really resent being involved with other peoples’ traditions, but I want my own.

By the time we move I will have gotten over guilt for leaving my job. (Mostly) I will be done with my MA and I will never have to deal with SJSU again. No more event planning, ever.

Getting rid of a bunch of stuff that isn’t necessary for life. Holy cow do we have crap.

So many new beginnings. I think moving will be really good.

Drained

1 Reply

I feel so empty. I have very little emotion right now. I’m tired.

Getting through today sucks. Then I have to get through tomorrow. I have a lot of typing to do after school to catch up with finals creation. Ugh. It’ll be ok though. I’ll get through.

Noah is amazing. He did an incredible amount of work this weekend and then after being incredibly productive he was still willing to find some extra energy and baby me. I have the best husband ever.

Next weekend we have a laundry list of chores that need to get done. Things like washing windows, sandpapering doors to get the paint off, cutting the front bushes, and cleaning cobwebs off the outside of the house. Anyone who wants to come help is welcome. 🙂 We can probably do it all ourselves, but what the heck.

Next Saturday is also a gathering at a friend’s house and the TNG volunteer fair. I am not sure how I feel about attending either. So tired.

Tired.

Tired.
Tired.

In other news

8 Replies

Tonight marks the first time that the Lizard has kicked hard enough so that I could be absolutely definite that I was feeling it and Noah could feel it too. This is so wonderful.

Have I mentioned that I’m really happy about having a family with Noah? I can’t imagine this being so wonderful in any other circumstance.

New Years Perspective

6 Replies

In 2006 I reflected. For 2007 the five most memorable moments are:

1. Looking down and seeing a positive pregnancy test. I went into the other room and picked up Noah’s hand and pulled him bodily into the bathroom to look with me without saying anything. It was overwhelming.
2. Looking at the ultrasound screen and seeing the alien growing inside my belly for the first time. Now that’s proof.
3. Watching a gorgeous sunrise on a boat with my favorite person in the world.
4. Snuggling with Crystal and sharing all of the deep down scary stuff.
5. Camp Everytown was more than a moment, but it is a time of my life I will never forget.

And to copy what happened in 2005 Post a New Year’s resolution that you think I should do. Then post this in your own LJ, and see what resolutions people think you should do.

I think I am going to crack open a bottle of sparkling cider soon. If I make it till 9pm I will be shocked.

Home!

4 Replies

Been home for not quite 12 hours so far. Laundry is going. I dumped the contents of the two (enormously overstuffed) suitcases on the floor and now I need to deal with actually putting stuff away.

Disney World was… interesting. Loved Epcot and Animal Kingdom seemed neat (we didn’t actually do much there because of sleep needs). I wasn’t that impressed with MGM Studios and Magic Kingdom was noticeably inferior to Disney Land. It was pretty neat being in this All Disney All The Time world for a little while. I started to have a little bit of a hard time with the eternally plucky staff at times. Amusingly, I didn’t like the waiter who acted like we were impositions much more so I guess there is just no pleasing me. Luckily I had more good-body days than bad-body days. I think I need to invest in serious black out curtains because both of the rooms we had on the trip could be completely pitch black during the day and we slept 9-12 hours each day. I suspect that we might both be more-sleep-is-good people.

Andrew–we went to the slavery museum in Nassau and it was just as interesting as you said it would be. Thanks for the recommendation. 🙂 The visit to the warm was nice, but I’m really glad I don’t live there. If it is this warm in the winter I would die in the summer. I got my hair braided on Nassau–just shy of 100 braids and it looks neat. I was probably overcharged, but I think that given how much money I make and how much money the braiders need to live on… I’m ok with that.

Noah had maybe two hours of cumulative grump on the whole trip and I probably clocked in four or five hours of cumulative grump on the whole trip. All things considered that is bloody amazing. Spending time with him continues to be the most wonderful way to spend time I have ever experienced. He is freakin awesome to travel with. I love my easy-going baby. I scored big time on my Christmas presents to him. I got jammies this year. 🙂 And a trip to Disney World and a cruise. So I can’t really complain. Dude we shopped. Went more than a little nuts. I’m surprised we got it all home… The funny part is: a lot of it is just getting put directly into boxes for storage for the next 8-9 months. I’ll get to feel like Christmas is coming early next year when I unpack. 🙂

Speaking of which: I need to get off the computer and start packing. The folks are coming to measure for carpeting in a bit. We need to get a bunch more stuff packed before the kids come over to finish up the painting touch-ups later this week. (I love my aides. I love them. I love them. The kids who painted this summer are coming back because they love me so much. 🙂 We have about two weeks to finish emptying the house out for the staging. I’m trying to get a bunch of the stuff packed and in storage so I won’t have to worry about it for moving. I also need to respond to a bunch of TNG emails today. I am going to wait until after the carpet people come because I need to get stuff off the floor…

I doubt we will make it out to any of the NYE festivities tonight. Love you all, but my body is terribly confused right now as to what time it is. We are going to have apple cider around 9 and call it a Disney World New Years. 🙂

Maybe more later. Maybe not. 🙂