Tag Archives: life

Acupuncture leads to food.

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I think that is an amusing headline. 🙂 And it did! This is fabulous. I’m not going to say that acupuncture is the most AMAING THING EVAR, but uhm… it’s pretty damn neat. I managed to eat solid food on two separate occasions today. I haven’t managed that in almost a week. The second meal was tiny, but that’s ok. It’s something. The neato chica sticking me with sharp things also seemed amused at my attempts at silly jokes. She can stay. Which is probably good seeing as Joe kinda likes her. 😉

And today involved some incredibly hot sex. If I was feeling good enough for food *and* sex after acupuncture I am totally going back. Best $100 I have spent in months.

Not to mention that I got a great phone call from one of the most awesomest people I know. My day so rocked.

Life or something like it.

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This whole moving thing requires that I somehow find the energy to pack. Have I mentioned lately that I hate packing? Does anyone have boxes?

Christmas is looming in that way that it does. I think we are actually mostly done with the shopping we want to do. With luck the remaining things can be found online so I can shun that evil place… the mall… Here’s hoping.

Con stuff is not going so well as I would hope. Between the people who moved away, the people who flaked (love that one of them was telling his girlfriend he was still involved–mad slick that move), and the people who are just not fucking responding to email despite the fact that we need their fucking piece of work to move on… I just want to scream. That said, once I get responses from the last round of emails I am pretty sure I am done with programs. Now to create the class matrix and send out confirmations and pertinent information to people. With luck that will be done in the next week. (I say luck, really it depends on me feeling human for multiple days in a row.) Although one thing this con has done is reminded me just how much Jon, Erik, and Sarah rock. I wasn’t ever really doubting, but right now I am fucking thrilled with them. (Look at the website! www.tngcon.org Erik did that! He rocks!) See, one should always remain friends with one’s ex’s. 😉

I am still only barely hanging in there with teaching. Everyone wishes I was nicer and my only response is, yeah and I wish I didn’t feel like shit 24/7. And I want a fucking Oompa Loompa. We don’t get what we want in life. 🙁 I’m trying really hard to be nice. It just isn’t going so well as normal. I’ve been looking around my classroom and thinking about the fact that in the next month I need to take things down from the walls. It will be sad. I seriously moved in to this room. I’m going to miss these memories.

Noah is riding the waves of hormonal freak outs spectacularly well. A couple of bumps were very unpleasant all the way around, but I think that being on the other side of those bumps is better in every way so it’s ok. Having the best boy in the world is a really nice feeling.

I miss being social, but I don’t see how more of it can possibly happen seeing as my window for social on most days is about two hours long. That will probably improve come January when I am not working anymore. Holy cow the kids suck energy like mad.

We are looking at flying out to Pittsburgh in January. Noah figures that exposing me to the freaking cold during the coldest month of the year is fair warning. We are also going to try and figure out a little bit more about where things are located and what parts of the city we actually want to live in. Brrrrrr.

This weekend we get to drive up to Napa and pick up Noah’s wedding ring. We decided that after a year of marriage it was time to get around to getting him the ring we had been talking about getting. We found a really neat jewelery up there on accident and it has been in process for a while. Maybe I will get around to posting pictures of my ring as well when we get his and we can show how perty and cute and matching like they are. 🙂

Hostility abounds

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Today is not a good day. Last night was a really bad night. I’m exhausted. I’m cranky. I don’t want to be here. I want to cry and scream and punch someone. But then again that might take too much energy. Today may be the first day when I literally put my head down on my desk and go to sleep during class.

Right now I don’t see how this problem shall be resolved. Right now I don’t see how I am in the wrong. Right now my whole body hurts. I’m tired of crying.

A busy day.

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Sometimes I feel kind of idiotic because so many of my posts are trite and then I think, “but if I don’t post people will hit refresh dozens of times with nothing to see” then I try to convince myself that I am not lame; I am magnanimous! Anyway. 🙂

Today we drove our yuppie ass hybrid car to yuppie ass Whole Foods and bought yuppie ass organic food and granola. Whatever happened to being rebellious and wild? I bought fucking organic lunch meat and cod liver oil. I can’t believe the shit I do sometimes. We had to come home after that to refrigerate food and eat again. See, I weighed myself this morning again and noticed that after breakfast (normally I weigh myself before) I am… down more weight. Alright then, time to start seriously trying to increase my calorie intake. This is gonna suck cause food tastes awful in the main. We then went to yuppie ass Stanford shopping center where we bought some extremely yuppie Christmas presents. But they are so neat!! 🙂 We were joined by the always delightful for our wander through terminal yuppieville. I feel guilty that we were only able to stay out for about two hours before my body crashed and burned hard and we needed to stop walking around. (Did I mention that we stopped and bought more food twice during this period because I was hungry? wtf?) We then went to a birthday shindig where I walked in and said, “May I borrow a bed?” My wonderful Daddy tucked me in so I could lie there and be totally out of it for a while. I sucked it up after a bit and managed to be social for nearly two hours. 🙂 My lovely Noah got to be social and talk to people other than me and I felt happy that I hadn’t let him just take me home after shopping. 🙂

Then more food. Then the dance where we did registration for two hours, talked to one of my favorite kids (one of my awesome painters from last summer) for about 20 minutes then came home. I’m typing this in between bites of yogurt, granola, and fruit because if I don’t eat now I will wake up at 2 or 3 am with massive stomach pain. I’m jittery from having caffeine tonight to allow me to stay up for the dance. (That probably contributes to me babbling right now.) I found out that 1/2 of my classes did the lesson plan on Friday and 1/2 sat in the library doing nothing. Ah, shit. That’s gonna suck to fix.

Ideals

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If my life were to be better right now what would it look like.

I would spend no more than 9 hours a day at work and I would not work weekends. (7:30-4:30 is fucking long enough.) Especially because I only get paid for 7 1/2 hours.
I would get to be social once or twice every week in a way that felt meaningful which means not going to an event where I don’t know anyone and sleeping on the couch. (Not complaining about that event honey, just saying that I want to feel like I have a real social life.)
My stomach feeling ok would be an automatic cue to go have sex because I miss it when I can’t have it and that is most of the time these days.
I would spend time every weekend working on the con instead of my job so that I felt like I was being productive towards an event I am helping with.

How do I get there?
I think that I need to give up on academic detention. It makes my life harder and right now that isn’t worth my time.
Write the grader and start having her do smaller assignments in addition to the big essays because it would make my life better.
Figure out how to let Noah help me with some stuff cause right now I am not taking advantage of my resources. 🙂
Start actually going to bed at 8 so that I am getting a more consistent amount of sleep.

Suckerfish

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My busy social weekend is evaporating. The Friday night party was cancelled due to illness. I realized that Saturday is Homecoming so I have to go supervise the dance. Oh well, so much for me getting to pretend I have friends or a life.

Have I mentioned that I want to throw up? Yeah, today the nausea is awful.

In other news–the midwife thinks I may be further along than I think due to the intensity and timing of my symptoms. We’ll have a better idea after the internal exam. She’s neat. She’s sassy and a smart ass. I can handle that. 🙂

Dying.

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My job is always extremely demanding. Teaching an honors class has made that worse.
I’m also the technology “mentor” at this point because my coworkers are fucking morons and can’t figure out how to work basic websites. This means a bunch of people pestering me constantly.
Academic detention is driving me batty. I’m feeling quite tempted to just ignore the Fs for the rest of the year. If you come in and want to make up your grade, fine. But I can’t keep pushing people to do the work. It makes my life suck.
I can’t be the repository of all the problems of all the kids right now. I’m too tired and worn out. I have nothing left to give them.
I’m dropping all involvement with clubs. I need to spend my lunches staring off into space, not going to meetings.
I am going to drop some of the essays I had planned to give the honors class. I simply cannot spend 10 hours grading essays every three weeks. I can’t do it. Not on top of all the rest of the grading and prep.
I am not helping much with the TNG con. I feel horrible for dumping it on Jon, but I can’t do more than I am doing. 🙁
I’m supposed to be doing research on getting the house remodeled. Right now I am kicking myself for not getting this done last summer.
I’m not seeing my friends much. I’m doing a little bit of it because I feel like I *should* but I find myself feeling resentful of the energy output even as I am glad to see people. I am tired of having to leave by 8:30 because I feel like shit. It’s not like I can say, “Hey–let’s hang out during the weekend day” either because I’m always fucking working.
Hormones are kicking in and I want to cry a lot of the time. I feel so overwhelmed that I want to just give up. Why am I doing all this shit again?
I can’t have sex like I want to because I feel shitty all the time and I know that must be having a negative effect on my overall attitude and emotional state.

I don’t know what is going to give, but something has to.

Further proof that my life does not suck.

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Today, one of my kids went off campus during lunch and bought me a Jamba Juice. (The kid finishes school at 5th period–that’s the only reason he is allowed to leave.) This was after I bitched him out during 2nd period because he still hasn’t got his book and he was generally being a bit whiney. I think that apologizing after yelling at him probably helped. I told him I had no right to be such a bitch to him and he laughed. 🙂

Last night I jumped my hot honey. It was quite good. Sex is much less frequent these days, but oh so awesome when it happens.

My darling husband came to work with me this weekend and kept me company while I suffered through craptastic work. Have I mentioned that I am incredibly lucky?

We got to be social in three different venues this weekend–none of them for even 2 hours, but that is all the energy we have. It was good to see people. (This is the way to see me these days. Book a slot early in the day for 1-2 hours. That’s all the energy I have.)

And I finally got around to starting Harry Potter. Books 1 and 2 down. 🙂

Bits and pieces

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My coworkers are shocked and dismayed that I want to leave off teaching public school to homeschool my children. They believe that my actions are why the system is failing. Uhm, maybe I am acting the way I am because the system is failing–I hardly believe I carry the weight of all the blame.

Academic detention still sucks. But at least 15 students have already pulled up their grades to passing. Only 26 to go… (Passing meaning a C or better.)

It’s amazing that I can cry all the way to school and then turn it off and be fine in front of the kids. Then fall to pieces again when they leave.

Got to tell the kids today that everything smells way more strongly so I need them to take showers more often cause they are making me sick. That was an awkward conversation.

Feeling better than normal for lately. Maybe it’s the cheese. Mmmm cheese. Still exhausted.

Not so exciting.

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This weekend is Folsom. This big, fabulous, wonderfully pervy event right in my back yard. What am I doing this weekend? Grading papers. I’m behind and I am too tired during the week to catch up at night.

Ah well. Maybe I will get enough done on Saturday to hit the fair for a little while on Sunday. It’s not like I am up for dressing up anyway. 🙂 Right now I am wearing stretch pants because wearing anything with a waist makes me want to vomit.

Frustrated.

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My job takes a lot of time and energy in a thousand different ways. I have to deal with 150+ diverse personalities every day. I have to prepare material to start with and then later grade it. I have to deal with coworkers, many of whom I don’t like much. More and more kids are coming to me to dump their emotional problems. I’m glad I can help them, but it takes a lot of energy. (‘Nother kid today.) BTSA is going to be a serious pain in my ass, but I have to do it. At least my mentor doesn’t suck and I don’t have to repeat the stuff I did last year.

Having a house requires me to clean and fix stuff. I am supposed to prepare healthy food multiple times a day (yeah fucking right–we so eat out of the microwave). Noah has been doing way more than his share.

The Interloper is *not* being accepted by Puff. Which means that both cats are pissed constantly. This results in Puff hissing and not allowing affection and the Interloper is crying constantly and I am having fantasies of harming her. This isn’t good. The Interloper can’t remain in our household.

TNG Con stuff is starting to come faster and harder. I have less than 5 months until D-Day. I have a big job and people who want me to do stuff above and beyond my job. I want to cry or quit or something. I will never ever sign on for this shit again.

I’m sick of having fucking yeast infections constantly. It burns and itches. It is driving me nuts.

I’m sick of people telling me how to get pregnant. It is getting to the point where I am pretty nasty when people start lecturing me on what I “should” do to get pregnant. I don’t want to have sex anymore. Sex isn’t fun. It seems frustrating and disappointing.

I’m not in the mood to talk about how people interact and why it doesn’t work for someone or what they want to get out of their community. I feel like this problem is being laid at my feet and I don’t want to fucking hear it.

And we need to unpack from last weekend, but when? I get to go to a fucking meeting (oh wait, TWO fucking meetings) tomorrow night. Noah has declared Friday to be a coding night (he’s bloody earned it, that doesn’t mean I’m good at being patient with him doing computer stuff while I clean up after *us*). I’m supposed to go dancing, but it seems like a really bad idea considering the rest of my weekend. Saturday I have to go to a training from 9-12. Then we get to have dinner and go see a play with one of Noah’s fucking legion of ex’s. Seeing most of them is anxiety inducing and stressful for me for no good reason at all. Sunday we are hosting a tantra class and the last thing I am in the mood to do right now is be patient or spiritual or breathe. I’m going to be fussy if people cancel though because it will feel like one more thing to happen.

I just want to scream. If you decide to give me well meaning advice don’t feel surprised if you are kicked off my friends list. I don’t want to fucking hear it. This phase will pass, but I’m fucking frustrated.

Out of sorts.

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The Noah and I were not local last weekend. It was an experience. I would love to sit here and catch up on lj and emails and… but alas, that is not to be. I have a unit plan to polish (seeing as I had to start out this morning not knowing what I am doing for the next 5-6 weeks as the unit plan I was planning on using isn’t possible for the next few weeks. fucking technology). I have grading. I have to pretend I give a shit about being evaluated by the state this year.

Con shit is picking up too. That is going to start sucking an increasing amount of my brain.

I’m tired in a very odd bone weary sort of way. I’m tired of being a pariah. I’m tired of having people look at me as if there is something wrong with me. I feel like I should just give up on meeting people. I won’t though. I guess it’s cause I am a masochist. Or maybe because I am stupid.

Reflecting.

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The last year has been remarkable. I have been married for a year and 9 days. I have begun my third year of teaching. I painted my house so that I could work on banishing the ghosts from the building. I have made friends. I have unfortunately hurt people. I have faced down demons. I have discovered new trauma. I have learned to trust Noah in ways I never thought I would. I have gained 20 lbs. I have purchased furniture. I have gotten rid of furniture. I have a new kitten. I have gone off birth control. I took Noah to Disneyland for the first time as well as Portland and Seattle. I went to Las Vegas for my first trip and went to a bunch of Cirque shows.

It’s been quite a year. 25 was good to me. Let’s see how 26 goes. 🙂

+/-

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– Having to express boundaries in a way that is hard for me to say and hard for others to hear.
+ Expressing anxiety and concern and being heard and supported in totally unexpected ways.
– Allowing anxiety to turn my stomach into an acid pit for weeks.
+ Talking about anxieties with wonderful fabulous people who will support me no matter what.
+ Reading many fabulous books this summer.
+ Painting my house and making it feel more like my home allowing me to banish many of the ghosts that have been here for me.
+ Banishing the ghosts from the past making it more comfortable for other people to be here too.
– Playing phone tag with amazing people and not getting to really connect.
– Missing some of the people I love so much I feel like I drown in it.
+ Being social and getting to see wonderful people.
+ Having a friend buy me a corset!!! (I swear! Pictures soon!!)
+ More work done on my tattoo. Most of it wasn’t so bad. Then we moved to an area that wasn’t numb. That sucked ass through a straw.
– Finding out that my tattoo artist wants to move out of state in February so my tattoo has to be finished before I get pregnant. So uhm, I’m going again before this even has a chance to heal because we have to finish, damnit.
+ Good conversations with people about how size plays into perception of beauty. I really am fascinated by how people perceive size and beauty and how they are related and not. I love that my friends trust me enough to talk to me about this very touchy subject.
+ Plans coming up with people I rarely get to see. There are people in my life I think of as ‘watchers.’ They aren’t really close friends because I hardly ever see them and we do very little with one another in ways that seriously overlap our lives. Yet, I love them and trust them for no obvious reason. Once or twice a year we get together and catch up on all the small and big and good and bad and I feel truly seen. I really appreciate these people and the perspective they give my life. I’m seeing one of them tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it. I also get to see some people in the next few weeks whom I think of as friends but who aren’t close, yet.
+ Running into my sophomore English teacher at Avenue Q and having him ask me to get together to work on curriculum. That is so incredibly validating! Yay! He is one of the teachers I liked the most through the years.
+ Almost done with all the books I need to read for 2A. This is pretty neat. I still am not sure how I want to put it all together though. One more week!
– Not sleeping well or much. This needs to change pronto.
+ Found some really cute wrap skirts on the Haight. They don’t care if I am chunky or thin. 🙂 Yay for versatility!
+ My back hurts less in the aftermath of tattooing than it used to. I’m a little stiff and sore, but really not bad.
+ Still have the best husband ever. Understanding, compassionate, fun, supportive, and totally sexy.

Mostly though, I know I’ve been whining and vague and depressed and upset and … blah for a bit now. Thank you to the people who have reached out. I notice. Thank you for the support and love. I see it and I’m grateful.

Much less distressed.

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Distressed seems to have been the word for last week. I manage to tie myself up in nasty knots when I’m worrying about what exactly might happen in dealing with people. It doesn’t help when one of the people-dealings goes about as badly as I expect. It really helps when one of the people-dealings goes so well I nearly cry in gratitute that someone understands and is compassionate about where I am coming from. I never really expect that.

Now I am enjoying lovely visits with and . Much yay.

I need more sleep though. I feel owie with not-sleeping. Soon I will feel owie from thousands of needles poking me. As if I need more pain in my life. (I really want the tattoo done though.)

Short explanation of trip.

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Because I realize that a long explanation isn’t going to happen. I had (mostly) an exceptionally good time. I loved getting to see people I haven’t seen in a long while. I had some really intense personal conversations with some of the most inspirational and fabulous women I have ever met. I enjoyed most of the drive through pretty country, eventually I did get bored though. I got to show Noah around Portland and Seattle a little which was really neat because I have always thought of them as Tom-places and now I realize that they are me-places too. That was a nice feeling. That was partially nice because it helped me step back a bit from a bit of my baggage around Noah sharing things with me he has shared with other people and that is persepctive I really need.

It was a good trip north. The only thing that was consistently a little hard was that from when Noah arrived we never had a good night’s sleep. Various things were a problem every night and that was totally suckful. Which means that by the time we got to the camping/backpacking part of the trip we were already very sore and sleep deprived. I need good, consistent, quality sleep or I am just not really a good person to be around. I know this about myself and I try very hard to ensure this need is met. I’m quite sad that it became a problem on this trip. So we hiked out about two miles (a very solid uphill the first mile then down hill the second mile) in the heat when we were already sore and uncomfortable in general. We were actually having fun talking about how each of us is the other’s favorite person to hate backpacking with ever. We camped next to a very pretty lake that night and had fun playing at camping stuff before the sun went down. But the next morning he noticed that my attitude had taken a turn for the worse mainly because my entire body hurt. We decided to just go home so we could sleep in our comfortable bed. Oh my god is this bed awesome.

And so, we came home and have been doing house work and spending lots of good quality mellow time together. Last night we went out for a ridiculously decadent evening with some of our very favorite people. It’s been a lovely little vacation.

Maybe someday I will get around to telling ya’ll about the white trash Mondavi commercial, but then again… maybe not. 🙂

Just life

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I slept for just shy of 10 hours last night. That is highly unusual for me. Normally I wake up around 7 1/2 hours. I think I am making up for the school year.

I’m reading a lot, both on the internet and actual books. It feels really nice to not be pressured or on a deadline.

My lovely husband rocks so hard. He came home from work last night and did most of the work to make dinner. Then we had a fabulous date night. I married the best perv ever! (Ok, so there are still a few skillz I would like him to develop but he is coming along nicely…) This “communication” stuff is really handy.

I’ve been talking to Tom more and feeling more comfortable about it. I still feel a bit tense when I watch him playing (I don’t spend much time doing this) but there is less tension and more happiness that he is happy. I really do love him and want him to be happy and I know that he never would have had all that he needed with me. And I really am better off with Noah so it’s a win all the way around. I think I feel so connected to him still because he was the first person to love me so much or so well and I try very hard to appreciate what people do for me. The fact that what he had to give ended up not being enough in the long run is really not his fault.

Alright, I’ll say it. Off birth control. Don’t know when anything more interesting is going to actually happen as I have no control over that. Lots of looking down and chanting “ovulate!!” I amuse me. The first two weeks I was pretty batty and all over the place emotionally but that has passed and I’m feeling generally pretty cheerful. The fact that it coincided with lots of job stress and then no job stress probably helps.

Still having a hard time believing that I am not too difficult to put up with. Noah says I’m ok, but it’s hard. I’m so scared of pushing him away and I know I am tempermental. Gah. Have to just accept that I’ll never be placid or even tempered. Suckful acceptance.

My body is being weird. I think it is mostly that I am sitting on my ass too much. I’m stiff and sore most places most of the time. I’m also a wee bit chunkier than is optimal for normal usage. (My jeans don’t really fit.) Other than that: my hair is freshly red and my jaw hurts all the time. Looks like braces are mandatory. Damnit! I really hate dental stuff.

Family stuff continues to suck. I’m thinking that I should do another six months or so without talking to any of them. My mom recently asked me to have dinner so she could give me my baby pictures because she doesn’t want them. This following on the heels of her telling me that my bio-family isn’t my family, my chosen family is along with her threatening to sue me if I publicly disclose stuff about my life… yeah. I think maybe it’s time for some non-talking. My sister doesn’t even want me to know where she lives–as in she has told her children they are not to give me their address. Awesome. Jimmy still doesn’t want to speak to me and may never again. My aunt doesn’t believe me about the stuff that has been happening because she has never heard about it before from anyone else. Yeah. Just… yeah. That’s ok. I have a Mom who wants to be part of my life. I have a Dad and a Daddy both of whom love me and dote on me and give me the kind of support I need. I have people all over the country who love me and support me. I suppose my mother is right. I do have a family and she isn’t part of it.

Computer woes continue. At least this time I managed to back everything up. Heh. Still thinking about buying an Apple instead of a PC. Luckily, I have my work computer to use over the summer so it isn’t mandatory yet.

Given the impending kidlet situation, having two vehicles that don’t place one of us at serious risk of injury daily is a mandatory situation. I’ve been looking around and I’m pretty sure I want a Mazda 5. (The Prius was supposed to be Noah’s car from the start…) I have wanted an Element for years, but seeing as there could be three booster seats in our future, a four seater vehicle is just not an option. *sigh* There goes that dream. Is ok. Babies are more interesting than a vehicle I can clean with a hose. 🙂 It’s going to be a bit more expensive than we were hoping for, but it will be doable.

My student loan debt will be gone before school starts again. We will have just the mortgage in debt and that is such a nice feeling.

Kids are scheduled to come paint the house when I get back from the honeymoon. I’m actually looking forward to it. 🙂

I leave on Monday to see my friends and Noah is joining me on Thursday. We are going to be backpacking for a week. I’m so excited!

Life… life is not completely 100% perfect, but life is good.