One might ask me, if one cared, “So, what have you been up to on your first day of summer vacation?” I would answer in a guilty tone of voice: “Well… I managed to find homeowners insurance, and deal with student loan stuff but really… mostly what I did was masturbate and read www.stripteasecomic.com”.
It was a rather stellar day all the way around. 🙂 [Oh–the comic isn’t masturbation material. It’s entirely work safe and funnier than hell.]
In the rock/paper/scissors game of life cranberry juice beats laptop. Just sayin.
This is ironic because I want to ask the geeks to geek in front of me for a few minutes. I need a new laptop and I am pretty certain that I should make the jump to Apple because most of you are obsessed with Apple and I would be able to grunt and say, “Fix it!!!” to more people. This is a very appealing benefit to having an Apple over a PC.
As far as features go: I use word, excel, intarweb, chat, powerpoint, itunes, and I like to play with pictures in a very non-professional sort of way. I would also kind of like to have garageband as well because I am still interested in sitting down and playing with the podcast stuff more I just haven’t made time in the past few months. I hear I need iWork so that I can have Pages.
My question: what level of computer should I shoot for? What should I think to ask for? I have a friend at Apple who is looking into some bits of it for me but more generalized advice is darn handy.
The really interesting bit about this is that in the trying to save it process I called Tom for help. I went to his new place and we spent a couple hours trying to rescue it. I had forgotten how very much I enjoy working on projects with him. I love his casual assumptions of my competence. I love that he just hands me things to do knowing that I am smart and able to figure out weird bits. We figured out how to work together so well over the years and it was really awesome to just fall back into that without trying. I’m still happier with Noah overall, but that reminded me of something I would like to work towards with Noah. The two of us tend to butt heads more and question one another more because we don’t have a solid understanding of our mutual levels of knowledge yet. I say more time and experience must be had. 🙂
I’ve never been good at transitions. I get impatient and want to be in the next stage already. The last few weeks of school are being brutal. I’m tired of having to go to bed at 8 so I can get a reasonable amount of sleep. I’m tired of not having much of a social life. I’m tired of getting up every day fussy about having to go deal with even fussier teenagers. It isn’t that I now hate my job, I’m just ready for vacation. I think this would be slightly better if I didn’t spend so much time on weekends working. But that isn’t to be. *beat head against wall*
School is over in 15 more days (including weekends). I have decided to bail on working graduation because I would be hostile the entire time.
Ok, so the icon looks like this will be sexy. It won’t be. I just like the blindfold image.
Processing. I am so sick of processing I could scream. I feel like I am drowning in all the shit from my life. I’m not sure if writing about it is helping or hurting, but I know I need to do it. Things have blown up with my mother again. I think that it may be a long time before I hear from her again. She is coming up in June for my nephew’s high school graduation (which I wasn’t told about) and she said she wants to see my house. I’m not sure that is a good idea. I don’t think I want her to see where I live. I don’t think I want to have pictures in my head of her in my space. I’m so weird about “energy”. Sorry mom–I need to tell.
Noah got home last night. I’m not handling talking about his trip very well. There are things about the trip that upset me just because they upset me and there are things about the trip that upset me because they are shadows of the past. I am not really reacting to now and this problem, I am reacting to years of shit with my family. I am not now nor will I ever be part of Noah’s family, just like I have never really been part of my mother’s extended family or my father’s extended family, or really even my nuclear family. I am too much or too bad or too intense or too wrong or… too something. I feel so broken and defective, like there is nothing in me that is worthwhile. I don’t really believe that it is true, but I’m terrified that it is.
I’ve had problems with Stephen’s family and Tom’s family and Puppy’s family so I feel like the problems with Noah’s family really are my fault. Ok, so maybe the problems are all my fault because they seem to be following me around. They were different problems with each family though. I don’t know. Guilt doesn’t seem to need rationality.
And I keep wondering, given how toxic I seem to be–do I really have the right to bear a child? We are supposed to start trying so soon. I don’t feel like I really know if I should or not. Being broken sucks.
Julia rocks in so many ways. But way high up on the list: she ties me up AND she helps me do yard work. What more could one ask of a girl? Dude. Much rocking.
Today I have: done massive yardwork (including trimming the rose bushes), been to Costco to begin the arduous task of restocking a deep freeze, and had a shitty conversation with my mother. Happy fucking Mothers Day, bitch. I’m so sorry that I am not willing to keep my mouth shut to assuage your guilt. And it must be terribly convenient to be able to forget the horrible things you have said, but I am not so able to forget.
Today I should do: more reading quizzes. I’m having a lot of trouble finding the motivation.
Noah didn’t call today and the phone call yesterday was not all that I could have hoped for. I feel so very lonely.
This weekend has been weird in general. Lots of talking to ex’s…
Today I get to go in three hours late without having to bend the rules because I am an honest and straightforward person. So screw you to all of my dishonest colleagues. (Rant maybe forthcoming on that one.)
This morning I got all of the prep work done for the next few days that has been making me nervous. Sweet.
Today, I checked the bank account and saw what would have been once upon a time a staggering amount of money. At this point it isn’t staggering, but it is certainly plenty so that my darling husband could be out of work for months before I would worry even one iota about him finding a job. My salary is enough to keep us afloat and we have a beautiful cushion for just about any “just in case.” Oh, and the only debt we have left is the mortgage and my student loans due to me masterfully managing our money and paying off a rather large amount of debt in the past six months. Go me.
Yesterday I got to see my lovely Sarah, though only briefly, and she presented me with the baby clothes she has acquired so far. The fact that I am not the only one joyfully anticipating me getting pregnant lets me feel a sense of family and attachment I wouldn’t have believed I would get. Thank you Sarah; thank you for being my family. Eight more weeks until I stop taking birth control. The days are flying by…
Including today I have 31 more days of educational opportunity remaining with my kidlets. But that includes finals and weird schedules and I don’t see any of the individual classes that many times. Really I only have 22 more days with each individual class. Eeeek! Must get through this book! But I have a good solid unit plan in front of me and I am confident that I will get through it and my babies will do well.
Life is really good.
Some people are aware that I have back problems, but I generally try not to whine too much about the situation. Today I don’t want to whine, I want to lie on the floor and sob. It hurts. It hurts so much I keep seeing flashes of white light through my field of vision. I keep having low level spasms. My kids don’t really seem to notice and that is for the best.
But I notice. And I’m taking enough Ibuprofen to make my stomach hurt. Tonight, Vicodin even though it will make me want to throw up. That feeling is better than this pain.
This weekend has been very very good. I have seen lots of fabulous friends. I went and saw the Wet Spots in concert (Hey Tim! Their website is www.wetspotsmusic.com ) and had a smashing good time after getting drunk on margaritas with friends. I have gotten to snuggle my baby. I taught a self-bondage class and it went very well. The pacing was just about perfect (go me) and I cautioned everyone to never put anything around their neck so that a certain someone in the scene won’t bite my head off. I got to grab A’s boobs, which will make any weekend ideal. Therapy was good and it has been agreed that I will no longer go every week, thus saving my back some wear and tear. It’ll be great.
Yeah, wonderful weekend. I wonder what I am going to teach tomorrow…
tshuma posted this : Somewhat paraphrased – You’re given the chance to live your life over, with your current personality and mind. You can go back to any part of your life and start over.
To narrow down the reasons a bit and clarify: you have your current personality and knowledge of your current life history, but not the world’s. You can change events of your life by avoiding a car crash that crippled you, but you don’t know about assassinations or the events of September 11. You don’t know to invest in Microsquish stock at its IPO and you can’t test out of high school at the age of six. On the plus side, Star Wars in the theater will still be an awesome experience.
Given how I have been feeling lately, this is an interesting question. Given what I know now, I would have stayed with Aunt Vonnie and Uncle Bob starting from the first time I was sent to live with them when I was 6. I would have avoided my father like the plague. If I had stayed with Auntie then I couldn’t have been blamed for Tommy’s accident, though I bet it would have happened anyway. I wouldn’t have been seriously molested. I wouldn’t have been raped. I wouldn’t have the same severe abandonment issues from my mother pushing me around to dozens of different people. I wouldn’t have gone to 25 schools before graduating from high school.
There would have been other issues, and I know that–but I would have been better off. Staying with them would have changed almost everything that really hurt me. I would have found other things to get hurt by, but I have to wonder if they would have been as shattering. We lived up in the mountains in a sheltered place. It’s kind of weird wondering what I would be like if I had been sheltered from bad stuff. Would I be so strong? Would I be able to stand up against things that are wrong? I don’t know. I suspect so, but that’s a coulda shoulda woulda.
But it doesn’t matter what I would like to have changed. Cause this is where I am. And I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces. I’m glad I have Noah. He makes it a whole lot easier.
It is interesting to me to see who I want in my life and who I don’t. It is interesting to me to see what kinds of arguments I get in. I got into an argument about home schooling on Sunday. I have a serious issue with the people who believe that the only way to get proper socialization is to be forced to go to school. I happen to believe that school is a hostile environment and one I don’t think is beneficial to very many people. Ok, you disagree. Well… uhm, go you? Glad you fit in then.
I had an epiphany yesterday while reading the book Undefended Love my adopted mommy gave me. Maybe–just maybe I am not bad. It’s a very weird/disorienting/hard thought. But I’m going with it. It has been hard to stay present with it while going through some unpleasant interactions, but it’s going ok.
Hard therapy conversation. I told her stuff about my dad. I think I am going to journal it soon. It’s hard to be really honest and up front about some of it. I’m not sure if the stuff my dad did was worse or easier than the stuff strangers did.
I’m still not over him, and that is hard sometimes. I am trying to move past it, but it is not the easiest thing I have ever done. I grew up with him. He was my Daddy. (If you don’t know who I am talking about, don’t worry about it.)
I got bit by a spider. My arm hurts less than it did, but my forearm still hurts. I still have very little ability to grip with my hand. My stomach hurts, but my stomach almost always hurts so I’m not going to attribute it. I’m alternating being hot enough to sweat and feeling chilly. This seems bad. Apparently me being hurt is cause for some people to laugh. I will remember that.
Noah overwhelms me with how amazing he is sometimes. And sometimes I am reminded that he is a human boy and not totally perfect. That’s hard sometimes.
Last night we had therapy. It is interesting to go with Noah. Cause that means all sorts of stuff is coming up which doesn’t usually. It’s scarier than usual. It’s also interesting becasue I know that a lot of my “turning inward” stuff never comes up in therapy but this therapist has already seen it more than once. It’s… disconcerting.
Boot camp is kicking my ass. I need to start taking the stomach medicine before I go because I’m in serious pain and I want to puke before it is over. 🙁 But I kept going through the whole thing even though I was doing it very slowly. My whole body hurts. I am so fried. And three more days this week… *sigh*
I get to run off for more dental appointment crap today. I’m not really looking forward to this. But… has to be done.
And tonight is a Pryankster pryactice in the south bay so I’m going to do my best to go. I’m wondering if I will be physically able to move, but I’ll try! I’m terribly GGG.
Now I will go back to watching Toy Story with the few remaining kids in my Comp and Lit class. (The sophmores are off taking the exit exam.)
I got to see several friends I haven’t seen in a while. That was nice. I also got to go rock climbing! It was totally fun even though I suck. 🙂 Would anyone be interested in going with me again? I promise that next time I will make sure I get a belay class so you aren’t stuck bouldering. 🙂
Much yummy snuggly time on Sunday. Mmmmm. I loves my husband. Along with a bit of “processing.” I’m tired of processing. *sigh* I need to work on being less crazy though, so I’ll keep it up.
This morning started at 5am. I rolled my ass out of bed and went to boot camp. I kept the very out of shape and heavy older woman company as we walked and occasionally sorta half-jogged around the track. I didn’t keep her company to be nice, I did it cause I am that freakin out of shape. heh But, I feel alright. My back is a bit wonky but that’s ok.
How does one be positive? I try so hard and yet… I don’t know. I can’t seem to manage it in an ongoing fashion.
And: I am often in the car between 3:30ish and 6-ish very bored. Who likes talking on the phone? I have this phobia of calling anyone because so many of my friends are passionately anti-phone but surely I am not the only one who likes talking to people on the phone…
Which is caused by a strongly developed Super Ego which began forming after the full on Oedipal stage which… Ok. Too much teaching Freud this week.
Continue reading
Friday:
Nickels are good.
In bed by 8 = I’m very unexciting.
Saturday:
Therapy was very interesting.
Migraines suck.
Sunday:
Old baggage is very inconvenient.
Errands mostly accomplished.
Many pennies.
*deep breath*
It was… quite a weekend. Lots of that processing shit, but a few large break throughs which really rocked.
Those of you who told me why you respect/love me–thank you. I keep rereading them and just knowing that you cared enough to respond is so awesome.
I still have the best husband ever. He is so incredibly supportive of my crazy that it just isn’t even funny. I win.
I have an upcoming visit with one of my very favorite Bostonians. YAY! It will be happening right on the heels of… my first ever trip to Vegas. I expect much fun and silliness and amazing as we are seeing Cirque (several shows) and Blue Man Group. 🙂 How is that for a Valentine’s present? 🙂
Stuff is still being hard, but I’m trying really hard to stop and see the wonderful in my life. I really am incredibly lucky.
“What were the five most memorable moments for you in 2006? Happy, sad, weird – moments that stuck in your mind and flash by when you think of the year.”
1. Looking at Noah and for one split second being terrified that I was making a huge mistake but then realizing that no, being married by a Walrus really was for the best. (Ok, seriously: I had this moment where I knew I was absolutely making the right decision. It was wonderful.)
2. Meeting Noah’s parents. Ok, I’ve done it.
3. Having my best friend over for dinner and sitting on the floor eating it off of Hercules plates and getting into the juicy bits of our respective psyches’ and hearing him tell me, “I think you will say no but I will never forgive myself if I don’t ask. Will you marry me?” Ok, so given that this was Noah there were like 75 more words in that brief little sentiments and lots of repeating himself… but my memory is good at condensing. 🙂
4. When I was about 25 seconds into the agony of my first tattoo appointment when I stopped and went, “Holy shit. What the FUCK am I doing?!?!!!!!” I’m still working on it anyway.
5. Strangely I think the last one was on my trip to New York. That was my first serious trip like that alone. I got to be dependent only on myself in a way I have never been before. I was so terribly lonely for most of it–I am so needy when it comes to my support network. I’m going to mention specifically the desk guy at the hostel who developed a mad crush on me during that week of being in the building. 🙂 He was sweet.
I had a thought on the way home about why I might be feeling so raw about the Noah stuff.
For the vast majority of our relationship it has been very acknowledged that he was much more into me than I was into him. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t tremendously into him… but there was an imbalance. That imbalance gave me security and power. Not sure when, but sometime recently I realized that I was no longer in such a position cause yeah… I’m pretty freakin obsessed with him. I am crazy about my husband. I think I let myself fall far and hard when he and I actually got married. And we have spent a lot of time lately going over what we want our future plans to look like in terms of me staying home with kidlets for a good many years.
So, what this means is that fairly recently and fairly suddenly I have gone from being rather independent and in a position where I am establishing my own security to needing his cooperation to ensure continued stability in life and in the not too distant future I will be in fact, financially dependent on him.
Cue panic attacks.
Maybe this is why all of a sudden it means the End Of The World if I am not the Best and Prettiest and Most Wonderfulest EVER. I’m scared. If we keep moving forward with current plans, in about 19 or so months I will be more dependent on another human being than I have been since I was 15. I’m terrified. Maybe this is why the idea of poly is causing me to wake up with night sweats. I’m so afraid of not being independent and yet there are things I want that preclude being completely independent.
Luckily, Noah is the most open minded and wonderful of men and he is trying very hard to be supportive as I struggle with this mental shift. So grateful for him.
This is locked to a very small filter. I trust that the people who can read this will understand that no relationship is perfect and this is stuff going on for me and not any kind of indication that I should break up with Noah. This is a lot of vanity and arrogance and pretention wrapped up in a horrid little package.
Yesterday was the kinky flea. It happens 3 or 4 times a year. I’ve been going for a long time and I have some odd/mixed feelings about it. It is a primarily social event and one of the biggest that happens during the year in this area. I have long used it as a bolster for my fragile ego. When I go I specifically try to dress up and I get my ego strokes through the comments of people who are highly discriminating about who they are willing to call “pretty.” Highly discriminating in this case meaning “total assholes who are snobs about female beauty.” As much as I love and adore my friends, most of them are not really snotty about good looks. I don’t say that to be mean in any way. I desperately want that kind of validation for all sorts of fucked up emotional reasons. Anyway…
Noah and I got up and decided to go to the flea after having lunch at a fabulous Indian restaurant. It had been an uncomfortable night and uncomfortable morning as we talked about some hard stuff. We defaulted to waiting to eat at all until lunch. This was our first mistake of the day. See, when I don’t eat I become rather psycho. And I stop thinking clearly and I go through more and more rounds of self-loathing. The problem yesterday morning? Well… I couldn’t figure out what to wear. I needed wanted (let’s be realistic) something warm enough to keep me from freezing, something that I hadn’t worn a bazillion times, and something very figure flattering. The hardest piece there is “I haven’t worn it a bazillion times.” I haven’t done much fetish shopping in the past few years and my wardrobe is becoming increasingly limited if I don’t want to wear the same things over and over and over. After an hour of trying to figure out what to wear I was in tears and I slumped down against the door (my temper tantrums are rather pathetic and I try to do them behind closed doors so no one can see them) and cried thinking about how pathetic and stupid and ugly I am. I really hate that I do this to myself.
I finally reached the point of throwing up my hands and just put on a pair of jeans. Noah brilliantly suggested that we go eat before thinking about the rest of the day. Bless him. So we went and ate and I become something vaguely resembling human and rational. Only vaguely though. Then we got to start talking about why I was so upset and what the flea means to me. I told him that I would rather not go at all if I am not going to look good and impress people in the process. I realized how selfish I was being and I asked him what he wanted for the day. He said he wanted to go and be social and have fun. So I put on a boring outfit I have worn 3000 times and tried to suck it up. I maintained some level of cheerful, even if only on the surface, for most of the day. Then we saw Tom and his date and she was wearing the Slut of the Day collar (so named by a friend of Tom’s like 10 years ago because he puts it on everyone when they go out the first few times) and metal cuffs that we bought together. We searched long and hard for cuffs that I could wear for a significant length of time without having problems before we found them. It really *hurt* to see her wearing them. We left fairly quickly after that because my mood was shot and I couldn’t fake cheerful anymore.
We then went and did some Christmas shopping at Good Vibes and sat down and looked at a coffee table type book about breasts for a while. Talking about the models and the pictures lead me down some lovely unhappy thought trails. On the way home we started a conversation that really sucked ass through a straw.
I have always had this hang up. I want to be the prettiest, the smartest, the Most Awesome partner for my partners that they can possibly imagine. Well… I was all kinds of self destructive and brought this up with Noah. Well… I’m not. And it hurts like crazy. The way things ended up the attitude is that I am the best possible partner he has ever met and he wouldn’t trade up on any of the individual points because the overall balance is the best he has found and would not be willing to compromise on some of the ways that I am really good. It’s very weird because I feel very confident that Noah isn’t likely to leave me for someone prettier, but it hurts like crazy that he thinks there are prettier women. It hurts so much.
This is all so stupid because when I think about Noah it isn’t as if I have a mental checklist of “Perfect” that he matches point for point. He is just so wonderful in general that any area where he isn’t the best ever doesn’t matter in terms of the big picture. I can know that about our relationship in terms of me looking at him and not feel like it is diminishing him, but him thinking that about me makes me feel like a failure. This is so hard because at this point it isn’t like I am going to leave him over this. It isn’t even an option at all. But god I hurt. And I don’t know how to fix it.
Today, I’m not pretty. Wish I felt smarter as compensation.
I would like to make this in-depth. We’ll see how much I manage in the next few minutes.
I’m such a roller coaster. My life is great and wonderful and incredibly frustrating so I’m up and down more than I like. For example: this Saturday I started out in a terrible mood for no specific reason. I was just feeling horrible and awful. I was assured that I wasn’t actually taking it out on Noah, but I was sure being pissy near him. *sigh* Then I got a call from my beloved stand in mom, ditenebre (did that code work?) saying she had comp tickets for Dickens Fair that we could have for this weekend. Originally I didn’t think we would be able to go on Saturday given the list of things we wanted to get done in the day, but she wouldn’t be there on Sunday so we decided to make it on Saturday despite the inconvenience and my general pissiness. I decided to wear my corset cause… well, I could. And it was an attempt to feel dressy cause I don’t get to do that much these days.
We were both so happy we went. The day there was wonderful. I got to be reminded that there are actual real live groups of people who like me! Dude!! I feel very isolated most of the time lately and it is hard to remember that people like me. At Dickens we couldn’t walk 3 minutes without someone being ecstatic to see me and often jumping up and down before hugging me hard. My self esteem drastically needed that. I felt happier than I have been in a while, and I haven’t exactly been miserable lately. A hot girl at Dark Garden played dress up with me and I ended up leaving with a sheer gorgeous black shirt that sorta barely covers me, but is entirely flattering in the process. And hey–said hot girl dressed and undressed me several times. I so win. Many hot and lovely boys flirted with me like crazy. I very sadly had to turn down the many kisses offered because my cold sore isn’t completely healed yet, but I was quite flattered that I was having to turn them down constantly. 🙂 Oh baby the flirting rocked. 🙂 When I finally got to Fezziwig’s I was passed from boy to boy to boy and that rocked. I did have it reaffirmed to myself that it isn’t that I miss dancing that much, I miss dancing with terpsichoros. He taught me how to dance and I can follow his lead better than any one else’s. I like dancing with other people, quite a bit even. But with him I feel light and graceful and beautiful. Thank you honey for introducing me to dancing. I will never be able to repay the debt I owe you.
So many other lovely and wonderful people. Miss barelyproper did my hair and I left it in all weekend and was thrilled. And and and… too many people to name. I love you all. I was so happy to see you. I was asked if we would be returning and told that as a bribe people could arrange comp tickets to get me there. 🙂 I am strongly considering it. One day may not have been enough. I am so grateful that ditenebre gave me the opportunity to go. Thank you. I really needed that.
And then on Sunday we got a Christmas tree!!! That rocked. It was a serious pain to put up and it still seriously leans. *grin* It’s as non-straight as I am! Then Noah’s dad called. … Intimidating much? It was a very interesting conversation. He went a long way towards repairing the anger I was feeling in his direction and expressed a great deal of support for my position with regards to Noah’s mom. I’m grateful for that. He is right that I don’t really understand his position, but I’m glad he is willing to understand how hard I have worked to get away from people like his wife. That made me feel much better, which in turn relieves some of the stress between Noah and I right now. Yay all the way around.
I have been forgetful like crazy lately and seriously beating myself up about it. But I’m trying really hard to get that under control. Cause despite my negative self talk, I am smart. I am capable. I am good at most of the things that matter in my life. I’m just also very overwhelmed. It’s ok that I make mistakes when i’m massively overwhelmed. 10 days till Christmas break.
Oh! And my AP (assistant principal) observed me yesterday. She had only positive things to say so far. We haven’t had the official sit down meeting, but when we walked past each other she stopped to note that I have really great classroom control and excellent relations with the kids. She specifically said, “You are great at noticing when someone gets off task and getting them back on track without it being a disruption of the overall class and the kids take it well which shows that you have a very positive relationship with them in general.” Still grinning about that. Yay!
And despite feeling like I was showing up with no plan or ability to be on task today I have managed to get everything together and organized and absolutely set for the next two days in time to finally update my lj. 🙂 Go me. And I found time to go get lunch with my buddy and I went over the entries for the MLK Jr contest and submitted my official judging ballot. Damn I’m on task today
Have I mentioned lately that I love my friends? And that I love my husband even more than all of my friends combined? We’ve been talking a lot about my insecurities (you know–all those things that live in my head and really aren’t about him despite the fact that they inadvertently affect our relationship?) and he is just so amazing. He is supportive and tolerant and he is getting WAY better at standing up for his own boundaries as he supports me. I couldn’t be prouder of him. 🙂 Yay. Ok, still feeling overwhelmed and that is scary. But my life is really good.