Tag Archives: relationships

Weekendy post

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So there I was, nursing my 151 and diet Pepsi…

I like introducing people to my Northern California neuroticisms: turn off the water while you brush your teeth, turn off the water while you wash your car, turn the water off while you are doing dishes… I don’t know if other Nor Cal folks are as freakish about this, but my upbringing made a serious impact on me. (Miss Jenny–can you leave water running? See, tonight Noah and I washed our new car for the first time together. We had different systems. Of course mine won. 😉 No wasting water damn you! Don’t you know that we could be in a drought ANY MINUTE?!?!?!!!! 🙂 I’m so glad he puts up with me.

Anyway. We wasted some time and some money this weekend. We went to one of the most useless classes I have ever been to. It was bioenergetics of rope. During the class the teacher introduced a shitload of jargon I have never heard before, refused direct requests to explain, and then proceeded to spend 6 hours talking while telling us that the theory doesn’t matter, only the practice does. Oh, the practice means we did a little scene off on the side of the room and the creepy guy watched. What a fucking schmuck. I got better answers to my (many, many, many) questions from other students. Noah’s comment after the first day of the class was, “I liked the hunted look he had after a while of you asking question after question.” Today he just looked annoyed. It seemed like he went home and decided that he wouldn’t let that pain in the ass derail his class again! Schmuck. He ignored almost all interesting questions and was totally hypocritical. He also told me that the way I have been doing suspension (as a top and as a bottom) is just plain wrong and didn’t really explain why. There was also another chick in the class who very smugly said that suspension is very physically grueling and it just isn’t something that everyone can do. Why yes, you obsessive yoga-doing-freak there are kinds of suspension that are physically grueling enough that I wouldn’t do them with just anyone. Like lifting someone into an inverted suspension by one ankle. I won’t do that because you can pull the leg out of joint if there is too much pressure. But clearly her standards are different than mine because I have done that exact suspension while weighing about 190 pounds and I was incredibly inflexible. I am quite confident that I can suspend *anyone* thankyouverymuchyoulittlebitch. Oh, and they spent a while going off on how western style suspensions are inherently inferior to Japanese style rope.

By this rant you can’t tell that they seriously pissed me off. Really, I bet you can’t. Fuckers. In other news–the scene with Noah was Hawt. I loves me my boy.

And if I move further back in time I am looking at a long-overdue date with Spot on Friday. During this date I was tired, boring, and generally unentertaining. I swear honey–I will make it up to you. It was a hard week.

But yeah. It’s been a weekend. 🙂

Yay much

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We are still making steady progress on the less-suck relationship wise. There have been a couple of remarkably good days with Noah and Spot and I had a nice dinner then Ikea run last night cause I was getting impatient on the no-date-for-a-while thing. Ok, I don’t hate them anymore. And the house is getting steadily less awful in my view and my view is the one that matters on this one. 😉 Being able to see visible progress on the mess is significantly helping my mental health actually as it lowers a lot of my anxiety. I really don’t handle living in a mess well. I’m still ignoring some of the filth because a lot of it isn’t worth dealing with right now because we are going to be painting soon and changing the carpeting.

I’m still having nightmares about being unprepared for school. I think this is getting ridiculous. I’m almost to a point in the house where I’m going to switch to school prep for a week or three. 🙂

Very cool poly t-shirt

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A burner friend designed a poly/queer logo and I think it is simply beautiful. At the pressure of many of his circle he set up a cafe press shop and is selling stuff with it on them. I have already bought a t-shirt and I think it is really awesome so here ya’ll go with the link: http://www.cafepress.com/LetLoveHappen (I’m well aware that cafe press is rather sizest, but it is the best starting place he could come up with.)

Cause we need to let love happen.

Hard but worth it.

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Don’t you hate those fucking Opportunities for Growth? They really suck. Sometimes they really really hurt in the moment. Sometimes you just want to say, fuck this. Feeling this way can’t be reasonable.

But it isn’t about the feelings be reasonable. Are the bad feelings fixable? Can you look at the problem and say, “What is it that I am missing/needing here?” Maybe it is going to hurt like a son of a bitch, but just maybe it will be worth it. Maybe they are worth it. Maybe. Gotta try though. Just have to.

For the record

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The boys have come to the conclusion that I’m not reacting to alcohol I am just sick. I threw up four times today, the last time I had only had green tea flavored water. I’m just sick. I did manage to keep some soup down this evening but moving around still causes my stomach to hurt enough that I am calling in sick to work tomorrow.

I didn’t do that much partying last night. I had three drinks over the course of about three hours. Although last night that was enough to make me black out portions of the evening and catch my hair on fire. I don’t want to talk about it. I feel like a total fucking idiot and for the life of me I don’t understand why Google Boy was willing to come take care of me today after I made such a horse’s ass of myself. *bang head against wall*

I am sick. I feel really awful. I would want to cry, but the boys in my life have babied me so much today that even that doesn’t seem necessary. They traded off taking care of me this evening and had a lovely little chat over my prone form. I really like both of them. I am so lucky.

And real life returns

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I am watching a movie in preparation for class tomorrow. Oy.

The weekend was lovely. Portland Boy is sweet and fun. I think I likes him. 🙂 Breakfast with the boys was quite lovely. I think that the boys basically liked one another. Yay!!!

Yesterday we wandered around SF for a bit and had fun. When we finally got back to my house around 5:30 I passed out hard. He decided that I only got a two hour nap. Meaniehead. I woke up and made him dinner and we watched a movie. That was fun. “Quiet please.”

Today I took him down to Santa Cruz and showed him around a bit. That was quite nice as such things are want to be. 🙂 We came back and I tied him up for a while. I haven’t tied up a boy with the intention of having sex with him in years. Not since Tom. It was most disconcerting. I had a hard time getting my equilibrium back.

I also had a moment this morning when he was on the phone with his mother where I felt out of sorts and sad, but that is going to happen in my life.

Tonight we had good Indian food and started a movie I have to watch for class. Dropping him off was kind of sad, but I will see him again in about a month. 🙂

Time is so fleeting

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Right now I have a lovely boy sleeping in my bed. There are moments when I curse being a morning person.

I did not use my time wisely last night because while his plane was delayed I should have found a handicapped bathroom so we could fuck before even leaving the airport. Instead, I sat in the walkway waiting and had a very drunk, very obnoxious guy hassle me for about 20 minutes. I guess wearing a ridiculously short and intensely red dress will get attention. So we didn’t get to fuck at the airport. Very sad.

I dragged him to the grocery store after that so we could figure out what we want to eat this weekend. It was fun to fondle his ass and kiss him into silence periodically. He responds so easily to any aggressive actions. Once or twice he did remind me that he is bigger and stronger than me and can have his way if he wants it and that is even hotter.

When we got home I started putting dinner together and got distracted. Oh baby did we get distracted. I have had conservative friends ask in judgmental voices why I want to have more than one lover. Sometimes I want to tell them that I continue to want new lovers partially because of that moment of discovery one has with new or rare partners. When taking someones close off is still a great surprise and gift. That moment when someone will push me down and say, “No, I just want to look at you” and then devour my body with his (or her) eyes only. That moment gives me more happiness and self-regard building than most. That is when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have beauty. I am a big believer that being in love with someone positively colors one’s regard of them–which is hardly a bad thing–but it makes judgment of beauty more biased.

I also got to introduce him to the concept of different sizes of condoms. Hey, who knew that they could actually feel comfortable? Silly boy. (Fellas–I’m telling you. Try out different sizes and brands!!)

When we finished we went and found dinner on legs shaking from exertion. After eating we passed out well before 11. This allowed us to wake up in the middle of the night when just the proximity of one another lead to more desire.

Now I have been awake for about an hour. In two hours my boys get to all meet. I am nervous but excited.

Comfortably numb

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Last night I took advantage of the last night I will be able to go to BaGG for a while. I start full time teaching on Monday and I am so incredibly wasted right now that it would be irresponsible to do this to myself when I have a full day of work instead of just an hour.

I dressed up, or down depending on how you look at it. I wore lace panties, a lace body stocking, and a fishnet shirt. So I was arguably covered, but in body hugging see-through material. It took two shots of tequila to talk myself into leaving the house dressed like that. I was having a huge argument with myself over whether I am hot or not. I am not terribly brazen most of the time though I have been working at changing that. More times than not I hate my body. But I just didn’t feel like wearing my normal dowdy dresses. I wanted the admiring looks and the compliments and I know that the way to get them is to show off. I think that if Google Boy had given even .0001 of an ounce of anything that was less than totally reassuring I would have caved to my fear. But he off-handedly proclaimed that I looked great so I sucked up my liquid courage and went.

I talked to people. I didn’t do much flirting with anyone other than GB. I danced for a little while with a really sweet guy who has a beautiful smile and who is willing to swing dance with me! He can stay. 😀 I did hit on the dead guy though. (Long story) I ran into someone I know from vanilla dance events who was a bit surprised to see … so much of me … Yikes.

The ride home involved lots of talking. It’s a long drive and I decided to be nice and for once work to keep the driver awake. It is interesting to me to do storytelling these days about myself. I live so much of my life very publicly that it feels odd that people don’t know my story already. I forget that I am constantly meeting new people and they don’t know my stories yet. I always feel self-conscious when I tell the bad ones. I would rather just focus on the easy stuff, like sex, because that is less likely to make people feel bad.

Last night was interesting though because I felt more distant from a lot of the bad stuff than I remember feeling before. I was an unhappy, miserable, angry child–but that is all over now. Now I am so very happy. I am close to contentment (I just want to finish my Masters). And I am rarely angry. I do get cranky way too often, but that isn’t the same thing. 🙂 I think what I am having the hardest time with these days is the fact that I know I am cranky and I lash out at people in weird ways, but most of the time I feel happy. I wish I could maintain my level of happiness with more consistency. That is my next big self-improvement goal: how to minimize the cranky! I think that I feel happy most of the time these days because I am genuinely happy at work. I feel accomplished and competent and successful here. Not to mention that my coworkers are constant rays of sunshine and my kids are pretty freakin rockin. I won’t always have classes that are this cool so I am trying to appreciate it.

Today I am tired. Bone weary. Getting out of bed and out of the house was very difficult because there was a wonderful snuggly boy there. I feel like I am drifting through a fog. But it is a fog with pretty colors floating in and around it. Tonight I am sleeping all by myself. It is good and bad. I won’t have as much distraction tomorrow morning to make it so hard to go to work. 🙂 I get to spend basically all weekend with my Noah. Life is good. I need sleeeeeeeeeeep.

Positive

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This morning I said some things to my love that were hard to say. I don’t know that I would have been able to say them to someone else. But because I can say those things to him I know he is the right one.

Last night I found out that a boy I had totally written off as uninterested is actually very interested and has not been able to get me out of his head. Ha. Too bad I’m not available darling. But it is still an ego boost.

I get to see someone tonight who makes me smile and laugh and feel giddy. This NRE stuff is AWESOME.

I have gotten to be supportive of a friend going through a rough patch right now and I feel good that I can provide that even with my hectic life.

Seventeen of my students passed the reading quiz today. Two others tried hard but didn’t quite pass. Of the remaining twelve students only one was present the day we got the books and today. (So eleven kids either don’t have the book yet or were absent today. Attendence is an issue for my school.) I know that at least six of those kids will take it tomorrow and probably pass. If my prediction is correct I will have twenty three passing grades on the first quiz of the unit. Yes, out of thirty two. You think that sounds kind of sucky? Well, three of the nine who will fail it haven’t been in class for the past two months and there is no hope for them. My kids are actually doing really well. Many of the teachers in my department have as many or more kids with F’s and they have smaller classes. (Freshman teachers have 17-20 kids per class and they each have at least nine kids failing.) For the most part my kids are trying. I am very proud of them. They were awesome in class today. They asked me questions about the book and were attentive and participated. I walked out of class with a huge smile.

Today is such a good day.

The good and the bad of a weekend date with Google Boy (so far)

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Good:

  • When I arrived I discovered that he had a stuffed animal in the bed waiting for me in case I had not brought Ted. He has paid attention to me apparently.
  • He spent 2 1/2 hours making dinner for me. There was an amazing array and quantity of food. Not to mention that the presentation was spectacular.
  • So much amazing hot sex including a first for him that was rather lovely for me. He tied me up for the second time and once again did a spectacular job–I am seriously impressed with his imagination. I do so love me the boyscouts.
  • He made a really lovely breakfast yesterday as well. Followed by the ice cream we were too full to eat the night before. 🙂
  • Lots of slackage and more hot sex yesterday.
  • Lots of doing dishes and horrifying his housemate. “Guests should not be doing dishes!!!!” “Guess he’s never met a service girl before?”
  • A really sweet walk on the beach that involved lots of storytelling and him actually sharing stuff about himself. I thought it would take a lot longer before I learned these kinds of things about him.
  • A silly trip to the grocery store that felt very normal and like “just life” in a wonderful way.
  • A lovely time sitting around late last night drinking wine and more more more talking. (Ok, bits of that talking are fuzzy. That third glass was a doozy.)
  • Snuggling up for sleep with him and the stuffed animal again and just feeling happy.
  • Snuggling up this morning when he came back to bed really annoyed from work and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he smiled even though he had been super grumpy just seconds before.

Bad:

  • Said lovely dinner didn’t happen until 10:30 because we didn’t get here till 8. I was kind of cranky and light headed by then.
  • He wanted to watch TV yesterday and I told him if he did that I was going to just go home. He decided that wasn’t a good way to prioritize his time this weekend even if he is weeks behind on his shows.
  • Being cold most of the time. Santa Cruz is like that though.
  • Lots of bad dreams last night centering around feeling guilty.
  • I feel guilty today that I haven’t gone home and this date is starting to feel like spending a weekend with a boyfriend as opposed to a date with a shiney. I have some serious conflict internally about this.

Ups and Downs.

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Yeah, I have those down things. But then I stop and seriously think about how absolutely rockin my life is right now. I get to go spend time with Google Boy this weekend. (It’ll be great. He’s on call; I have homework.) Noah is off with a shiny and that is just awesome. Google Boy wants to take Noah out for a drink. I think this should wait until Portland Boy is in town–hell, it’s only 15 days from now–and all four of us can go have a drink or 3. 🙂 Have I mentioned how much I LOVE being passed around among boys I am into? *swoon* I’m so terribly excited. I had a wonderful weekend with Noah last weekend. I get to spend more time with Google Boy than I ever have before. (He has made some interesting requests about what I should bring. I will not volunteer that cause it would break Dana’s head just a wee bit more.) I am getting closer to done on my papers. (Squeeeee!!!) I get to Portland Boy sooooooooon. He will be Mine ALL MINE (unless he wants to be shared) for three whole days! YAY!!!

And you know what? The bestest part of getting to bounce off of Portland Boy and Google Boy is I get to come back to my Noah. Adventure AND safety. Dude, embrace the power of and! Things are uhhhhh going well with us. About as well as I hoped and better than I expected. How often does one get to say that? During my spastastic behavior of the last week he has been wonderfully supportive. He knew exactly what kind of bitch he was getting so I am trying not to feel too guilty for my mood swings. 😀

Ok, less with the babbling. Does anyone know of anything superfun that I should drag PB (I’m getting tired of writing it out) to on the 13th of May?

Sexy

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Portland boy (I need a better nick and I am so not using the one he hands out) decided, rather spur of the moment, to come visit me in May.

Damn this is going to be hot.

*giggle* Yay for crushes! Yay for wonderful boyfriends who think it is cute when I have a crush!

How did this happen again?

Greed

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I have spent probably four out of the last eight hours fucking. Apparently I am not so high and mighty about the whole “younger guy” thing. He is pretty freakin amazing in bed and in order to get me into bed he has already seriously impressed me as a person. *sigh* Too bad Portland is so far away. Somehow I have a suspicion that my 2 times a year visiting may become 3 or 4. 🙂 He’s really really hot…

But uhhh… when I checked email and saw one from Google boy asking me about what it is that I am going to tell him about the weekend and he wants to hear about it if it will make me horny… yeah. I want to fuck again. Even though I am sore and tired from lots of hot sex.

Insatiable. That’s what I am. I LOVE MY LIFE.

Sluttery in full swing.

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I went to three parties last night. The first two were raunchy sex parties. I got laid at both. I got laid more than once at the second one. I got to eat out a very wonderful girl–it’s been a while and damn was I missing that. I had several cocks in my mouth over the evening. (Now ya’ll know why I carry a toothbrush with me to parties and antibacterial soap! The coatcheck girls are amused by me running back and forth.)

Does anyone remember the guy I had a fling with about a year and a half ago? http://boot-slut.livejournal.com/69236.html (Yeah–that’s hard to ring a bell I know.) I asked him if he wanted a night, a week, or a month and he said he only wanted a night. I went for it and it was by far the best one-time sex I have ever had. We really click in bed. I did it agreeing to the terms of never ever contacting him again. He showed up last night. He zoned in on me immidiately and started flirting with me like crazy. *Then* we both figured out that we knew one another. Ha! He’s still that good in bed. We both still have one another saved in our phones. He said that he respects me tremendously for following the rules. He’s going to break the rules and keep in contact with me this time.

But the fucking amazing bit was–dude. He gave me the fucking speech. You know, the “I want to be play partners but I don’t think we should have a relationship” speech. I almost slapped him. I told him that he was a flaming asshole and that he is treating me like a clingy crazy girl and that is so far from reality that it is outrageous. I told him that if he wants to tell me that I am good enough to be a fuck toy and not good enough to be anything else then he doesn’t need to call me. He apologized and said that wasn’t what he meant. Yeah asshole, but it is what you *Said*. I gave him a chance to redeem himself and he sucked up prettily. If I weren’t so hot for him I would refuse to talk with him again, but as it is… yeah. I’ll talk to him again. He is fairly local and a very reliably fantastic fuck. He’s still an asshole though. I almost told him that the last guy who gave me that speech stayed with me for four years. I was good.

Oh, and the best acronym fill in the blank ever: Breeder In Training Coveting Husband.

Casual.

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I am such a virgo. I like to categorize things. I like fitting people into neat little packages. It’s my thing. Well, sort of. I don’t want to put them into a box as to who they are as a person, but I like to see how they relate to me pretty clearly. As I am currently in the process of starting to date again (what in the hell am I thinking?!) I am getting to revisit a lot of my views on what I want and what I am looking for.

I think there is basically a spectrum for how to date. It goes from people who would like to only have one relationship in their entire life and will turn down dates with people who are very likely to not be suitable. These people are very conservative especially in who they will have sex with and won’t give it up until marriage. Then there are those of us who are more into the shotgun approach. We shoot off a load and figure it will hit something. People in this camp can be looking for the “one” or looking for any number of partners who fit in some way or another. I’m more towards the end of looking for a particular person. My wants are so complicated and multi-faceted though.

This leads me to all sorts of thoughts about what “casual” means. Many of the people I am thinking about/starting to date are poly. This is true for several reasons, not the least of which is: that is my main hunting pool. The public sex-positive community is not exactly a breeding ground for monogamous types. And I’m skirting that fuzzy edge of monogamy/poly anyway. So I’m getting involved with people in some fashion or another and I’m trying to set up my expectations and theirs in a fair and reasonable manner. However, I will NOT give anyone “the speech”. My ex’s famous line: “I am looking for the one; the one I will settle down with and have kids with and you will never be it.” I am not that big of a bitch. It is a fuzzy and difficult line to walk though.

I’m not sure where the line of “casual” begins and end. Is kissing casual? Is fondling? Is getting spanked? Is tying someone up? Is fucking? Is anal sex? What about blow jobs? What about golden showers? Submission? What about calling someone Daddy? Where is the line? I want all of these things in my life. I don’t know how “casual” I want to be about any of them but I also don’t know how serious I want to be about them.

Long ago I asked the question: can a girl have more than one Daddy? I think that with where I am right now, what matters is that I am mommy and daddy and little girl all to myself. If I choose to call someone else by any of those names it is just an extension of my loving and taking care of myself in those ways. That means that someone can be my Daddy for a night or a week and have that be all that it is. There can be more than one Daddy in my life because ultimately they are just operating as part of what I need and what I am doing for myself.

Where am I? I am to a place where I am hunting for more knowledge about myself. I am hunting for more ways to pleasure myself and figure out what I need. I am an exhibitionist and this hunt for myself involves other people. I don’t know if/when it will include someone who will be my One. I probably am not ready for that jump yet. I think that for me, the need to be “single” is not about staying home or not having sex. I think it is about knowing that I have to be the one taking care of myself and not asking anyone else for those accomodations.

Question.

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It just popped into my brain to wonder why I should be single. I’m not saying that I am going to hook up with the next asshole on craigslist to avoid the fate, but why is it a should? I don’t get it.

I’ve been told dozens of times that I should be single for a while. Why?