Portland boy (I need a better nick and I am so not using the one he hands out) decided, rather spur of the moment, to come visit me in May.
Damn this is going to be hot.
*giggle* Yay for crushes! Yay for wonderful boyfriends who think it is cute when I have a crush!
How did this happen again?
I have spent probably four out of the last eight hours fucking. Apparently I am not so high and mighty about the whole “younger guy” thing. He is pretty freakin amazing in bed and in order to get me into bed he has already seriously impressed me as a person. *sigh* Too bad Portland is so far away. Somehow I have a suspicion that my 2 times a year visiting may become 3 or 4. 🙂 He’s really really hot…
But uhhh… when I checked email and saw one from Google boy asking me about what it is that I am going to tell him about the weekend and he wants to hear about it if it will make me horny… yeah. I want to fuck again. Even though I am sore and tired from lots of hot sex.
Insatiable. That’s what I am. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I went to three parties last night. The first two were raunchy sex parties. I got laid at both. I got laid more than once at the second one. I got to eat out a very wonderful girl–it’s been a while and damn was I missing that. I had several cocks in my mouth over the evening. (Now ya’ll know why I carry a toothbrush with me to parties and antibacterial soap! The coatcheck girls are amused by me running back and forth.)
Does anyone remember the guy I had a fling with about a year and a half ago? http://boot-slut.livejournal.com/69236.html (Yeah–that’s hard to ring a bell I know.) I asked him if he wanted a night, a week, or a month and he said he only wanted a night. I went for it and it was by far the best one-time sex I have ever had. We really click in bed. I did it agreeing to the terms of never ever contacting him again. He showed up last night. He zoned in on me immidiately and started flirting with me like crazy. *Then* we both figured out that we knew one another. Ha! He’s still that good in bed. We both still have one another saved in our phones. He said that he respects me tremendously for following the rules. He’s going to break the rules and keep in contact with me this time.
But the fucking amazing bit was–dude. He gave me the fucking speech. You know, the “I want to be play partners but I don’t think we should have a relationship” speech. I almost slapped him. I told him that he was a flaming asshole and that he is treating me like a clingy crazy girl and that is so far from reality that it is outrageous. I told him that if he wants to tell me that I am good enough to be a fuck toy and not good enough to be anything else then he doesn’t need to call me. He apologized and said that wasn’t what he meant. Yeah asshole, but it is what you *Said*. I gave him a chance to redeem himself and he sucked up prettily. If I weren’t so hot for him I would refuse to talk with him again, but as it is… yeah. I’ll talk to him again. He is fairly local and a very reliably fantastic fuck. He’s still an asshole though. I almost told him that the last guy who gave me that speech stayed with me for four years. I was good.
Oh, and the best acronym fill in the blank ever: Breeder In Training Coveting Husband.
House. Must. Be. Clean.
I have a hot date on Tuesday. You know, with one of those people that actually get to come to my apartment. He might stay…
Must. Clean.
Ack!
But he’s really awesome….
I am such a virgo. I like to categorize things. I like fitting people into neat little packages. It’s my thing. Well, sort of. I don’t want to put them into a box as to who they are as a person, but I like to see how they relate to me pretty clearly. As I am currently in the process of starting to date again (what in the hell am I thinking?!) I am getting to revisit a lot of my views on what I want and what I am looking for.
I think there is basically a spectrum for how to date. It goes from people who would like to only have one relationship in their entire life and will turn down dates with people who are very likely to not be suitable. These people are very conservative especially in who they will have sex with and won’t give it up until marriage. Then there are those of us who are more into the shotgun approach. We shoot off a load and figure it will hit something. People in this camp can be looking for the “one” or looking for any number of partners who fit in some way or another. I’m more towards the end of looking for a particular person. My wants are so complicated and multi-faceted though.
This leads me to all sorts of thoughts about what “casual” means. Many of the people I am thinking about/starting to date are poly. This is true for several reasons, not the least of which is: that is my main hunting pool. The public sex-positive community is not exactly a breeding ground for monogamous types. And I’m skirting that fuzzy edge of monogamy/poly anyway. So I’m getting involved with people in some fashion or another and I’m trying to set up my expectations and theirs in a fair and reasonable manner. However, I will NOT give anyone “the speech”. My ex’s famous line: “I am looking for the one; the one I will settle down with and have kids with and you will never be it.” I am not that big of a bitch. It is a fuzzy and difficult line to walk though.
I’m not sure where the line of “casual” begins and end. Is kissing casual? Is fondling? Is getting spanked? Is tying someone up? Is fucking? Is anal sex? What about blow jobs? What about golden showers? Submission? What about calling someone Daddy? Where is the line? I want all of these things in my life. I don’t know how “casual” I want to be about any of them but I also don’t know how serious I want to be about them.
Long ago I asked the question: can a girl have more than one Daddy? I think that with where I am right now, what matters is that I am mommy and daddy and little girl all to myself. If I choose to call someone else by any of those names it is just an extension of my loving and taking care of myself in those ways. That means that someone can be my Daddy for a night or a week and have that be all that it is. There can be more than one Daddy in my life because ultimately they are just operating as part of what I need and what I am doing for myself.
Where am I? I am to a place where I am hunting for more knowledge about myself. I am hunting for more ways to pleasure myself and figure out what I need. I am an exhibitionist and this hunt for myself involves other people. I don’t know if/when it will include someone who will be my One. I probably am not ready for that jump yet. I think that for me, the need to be “single” is not about staying home or not having sex. I think it is about knowing that I have to be the one taking care of myself and not asking anyone else for those accomodations.
It just popped into my brain to wonder why I should be single. I’m not saying that I am going to hook up with the next asshole on craigslist to avoid the fate, but why is it a should? I don’t get it.
I’ve been told dozens of times that I should be single for a while. Why?
I pick fantasy land.
Ok, fine. So the relationship isn’t “forever” and I can’t have you for the rest of my life even though it hurts so much to think of losing you that I can’t breathe. You don’t understand the depth of my feelings for you. You just don’t seem to know at all. Let me tell you: I have given up numerous things that are on some level important to me because I would do just about anything at all to make you happy. I have given them up willingly and almost happily just for the possibility of pleasing you. I love your smile, your kiss, your hugs, your voice, your eyes, you….. Yes, there are so many things that drive me absolutely crazy–but I expect that as part of the boy/girl dynamic and don’t really let it bother me that much.
I don’t want to lose you. I don’t feel like this relationship has run its course yet. I know it is selfish and immature and self-absorbed, but I have not had enough time with you yet. Please don’t leave me. Ok, so I can’t have you for the rest of my life. Can I have you for the next few months? I know you are leaving. I know you don’t want me the way I want you. Can we pretend? Can I please not have to deal with the horror of losing you yet? I just can’t handle it right now.
I know that I am too broken for things to work with us forever. I can and will cheerfully bury all of my brokenness for a period of a few months if it will let me be happy with you for just a little while longer. I know it is pathetic to beg. But, please. Please don’t leave me yet.
Why do people that I live with prefer masturbation to sex with me within 6 months?
Why do people that I choose as long term partners feel that I am simply too much to deal with?
Why do people that I fall in love with appreciate how physically affectionate I am in the first few months and then complain that I am too clingy?
Why am I apprently such a drain on people’s resources that they simply cannot abide my presense?
Why do I date?
Why do I keep wanting a relationship?
Why fucking bother.