Tag Archives: relationships

Irony

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In the rock/paper/scissors game of life cranberry juice beats laptop. Just sayin.

This is ironic because I want to ask the geeks to geek in front of me for a few minutes. I need a new laptop and I am pretty certain that I should make the jump to Apple because most of you are obsessed with Apple and I would be able to grunt and say, “Fix it!!!” to more people. This is a very appealing benefit to having an Apple over a PC.

As far as features go: I use word, excel, intarweb, chat, powerpoint, itunes, and I like to play with pictures in a very non-professional sort of way. I would also kind of like to have garageband as well because I am still interested in sitting down and playing with the podcast stuff more I just haven’t made time in the past few months. I hear I need iWork so that I can have Pages.

My question: what level of computer should I shoot for? What should I think to ask for? I have a friend at Apple who is looking into some bits of it for me but more generalized advice is darn handy.

The really interesting bit about this is that in the trying to save it process I called Tom for help. I went to his new place and we spent a couple hours trying to rescue it. I had forgotten how very much I enjoy working on projects with him. I love his casual assumptions of my competence. I love that he just hands me things to do knowing that I am smart and able to figure out weird bits. We figured out how to work together so well over the years and it was really awesome to just fall back into that without trying. I’m still happier with Noah overall, but that reminded me of something I would like to work towards with Noah. The two of us tend to butt heads more and question one another more because we don’t have a solid understanding of our mutual levels of knowledge yet. I say more time and experience must be had. 🙂

Not the best day ever.

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I woke up at 4:30 this morning. I think I woke up so god-awful-early because I was anxious about Noah leaving. My beloved is on his way to Texas. There he will have a less than fun conversation with his parents about the level of involvement (none) they will be allowed to have with our kids. Given that everytime they call his father asks three or four times, “So! Any big news?” I think they anticipate kidlets about as soon as we do. And uhhh yeah. Unfortunately they won’t be involved and we think it is best that they know that before they find out I am pregnant. Because telling them over the phone, “Yeah–we’re pregnant! Oh, and by the way, my mother is abusive and she isn’t allowed to meet my children” would really suck. I don’t envy him this trip. My mother has already been told that she is not likely to be allowed any contact and if there is any at all it will always be supervised heavily.

This stuff is depressing to think about.

I had to sit in the sun for an hour at a teachers appreciation rally. I now have a nasty headache. Ick.

I am home teaching today from 4:30-7. It’s not exactly my idea of a good time though I guess it could be worse. The kid is ok and I’m enjoying what we are doing for history and English. I even feel smart cause I understand the geometry! 🙂

So it’s not the best day ever. It’s also nowhere near the worst day ever so I’m not *really* complaining. 🙂 As much as I already miss Noah, he is coming back on Monday. He loves me and is doing something that is about us building a life together. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.

AND my Julia is going to be here this weekend. I get to spend time with her. It’s always so wonderful to see her. Maybe this time I can manage to not be a freakin spazz. Sometimes it is hard loving someone when things aren’t equal.

Not up for this

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My fun day at home wasn’t so fun by the end. By early afternoon my head hurt, my neck hurt, and if I move around my stomach let me know that a run to the bathroom was imminent. And, whatever was in my system was letting me know that it wanted out of my system anyway with a lot of pain involved.

Well that rocked. Or something. I slept through most of the afternoon and still went to bed early. I woke up at 3 am and rolled over and noticed that my stomach still hurt enough that even minimal movement is agonizing. So I called in sick to work and Noah drove me down there to deliver lesson plans. Have I mentioned that I love my husband?

When I’m sick I am even more whiney and babyish than usual. So when I got an email from a girl I sorta know this morning asking for references for Tom I nearly cried. I told her that yes, he is very safe and will almost certainly never cross any boundary she has and let it go at that. I didn’t tell her that he is a great casual play partner and a difficult boyfriend. I didn’t tell her that she should stay emotionally uninvolved so that she can walk away when she stops being “new” because his interest will gradually fade anyway. *sigh*

And right now I am feeling the disadvantages of being poly/open/slutty. I’m tired of telling people I am not interested. I want a break from having to deal with being nice in letting people down gently. I always feel guilty and I want to not have that feeling for a while. I’m tired of having to give justification for why I don’t want to play/fuck/date/whatever. Once or twice I’ve said, “Right now I’m just so into my husband that I’m not interested in anyone else” and people follow that up with, “Well, when then?” Excuse me? You just put yourself on the “never” list.

I’ll quite bitching now. I hate being sick.

Disturbing trends and dodged bullets.

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I am soooo tired all the time that we have been going to bed earlier and earlier. This means we are waking up at 4 am more often. I’m really not thrilled with this process. Although we both love the time to sit and talk and cuddle it is getting ridiculous that I am falling asleep at 7pm. If I continue the trend I will be going to bed as soon as I get home from work at 4 and getting up at midnight. Hey! Maybe I can have a nightlife again! *shake head*

We had dinner with Tom last night. He wants to borrow a helmet and we certainly have extras sitting around. It was an interesting experience. I had sseveral uncharitable thoughts, which I won’t share because many of his friends read this, but overall my impression was relief that I ended that relationship. We really weren’t right for each other. I still think he is a good person and I like him, but we are such an incredibly bad match. In the course of the conversation the only question he asked about my life in any way was, “So, what subject do you teach?” which is about as impersonal as it gets. I have barely spoken to him in the past two years. All he asked was what subject I teach? Granted, I didn’t exactly get into nitty gritty details about all of his personal life, but I asked about his family and mutual friends, and his business, and experiences we used to share in order to get a sense of what he has been doing with his life. He really doesn’t care what has happened in my life. I don’t hate him for it and I don’t think he is even a bad person, but his lack of empathy is really something I don’t handle well in a personal relationship. When we got home I looked at Noah and hugged him fiercely. He was the first person to really want to see me. He still wants to know more about me than anyone else does.

God I’m grateful. For once, maybe I made the right call.

I need an icon of Noah. Hmmmmm.

Adventures–most of which have not been the best ever.

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Today I get to go find a tow place and deal with my car. It is going to take more money for me to finally be an adult and deal with the stupid thing ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! *sigh* I’m not grown up yet or this wouldn’t have gotten to this point.

Last night I ate at the Elephant Bar for the first time. And the meal ended up being free because I killed a cockroach crawling on the wall of the booth. The waiter and manager were horrified. I’m willing to bet they were far more freaked out than I was. dude. I lived in SoCal. ‘Roaches are just part of life.

Despite the fact that I didn’t drag Spot off to the gym last night I had a really good time with him. Conversation was diverse and interesting and other things went damn well. 🙂

Still miss that Noah guy.

Today I get to do lots of errands. Go to the post office for the Noah. Deal with my car. Set up my classroom. Go to my first class at SJSU. I am kind of being a bad person about the SJSU class though. I don’t really want to take a poetry writing workshop. But there are no other classes this semester that appeal to me more. *sigh* I’m kind of wondering if I should just wait a semester and take a class I actually *like* and will enjoy working for next semester. It isn’t like all of my requirements are going to be done this semester anyway. It’s complicated. I have 6 hours to think about this. I don’t think it would be the end of the world, really. Hell–even if I waited a whole year it isn’t like my credits will expire or become a problem and I have a shitload on my plate right now.

I’m just not feeling adult enough to handle one more thing right now I think.

Navel gazing

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And it’s even public-like because I know there are people who check occasionally and want dirt. Social shit is so strange.

In my interest in getting some semblence of contact with that boy I like I am reading his archive for the first time. I had never gone back to the beginning and read the whole history before. It’s weird. I am getting to watch the rise and fall and sometimes rise again and fall again of his relationships. I now know a bit more about when he bought his house and who gave input into that decision. I know more about why he is so freaked out about car maintanence. I can read evidence of him being pretty seriously unhappy for a very long time. Maybe bitter is a better word than unhappy but… all the same in the end.

So yeah. I know there are people who will read this who are not on my friends list. I know that some of them have been hugely involved in lots of his history. It’s a weird thought. Given that I have mostly only seen the fall out of people being unpleasant post-relationships it is interesting to see a bit more of when things didn’t suck. I have never understood why people can be so into someone and then later be so completely nasty. It isn’t as if I haven’t been dumped before, but I just see no point in hating ex’s. It may be vain of me to assume that some of those hostile ex’s (of his–I don’t have any) will read this given that we are demonstrably not friends, yet… given some things that have turned up in weird places it doesn’t seem vain so much as realistic. This boy is rather intoxicating and people hold on to that interest even when they are mad at him for ending a relationship. Why though? Why be so angry? Are your opinions really so changeable that whether or not someone is fucking you affects your evaluation of the person as a whole? I do think this will be read. I don’t think it will be responded to though.

It’s kind of weird filling in gaps in his history and having to accept those parts of the past as just part of him. I don’t get along with everyone (hell-not even most of the people) he has dated. That’s ok. It is interesting trying to see what he got out of relationships with people I have issues with. I’m trying to be all open minded and shit. We’ll see how it turns out.

And yeah, I mean you. And you. But not you, or you either.

Weekendy post

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So there I was, nursing my 151 and diet Pepsi…

I like introducing people to my Northern California neuroticisms: turn off the water while you brush your teeth, turn off the water while you wash your car, turn the water off while you are doing dishes… I don’t know if other Nor Cal folks are as freakish about this, but my upbringing made a serious impact on me. (Miss Jenny–can you leave water running? See, tonight Noah and I washed our new car for the first time together. We had different systems. Of course mine won. 😉 No wasting water damn you! Don’t you know that we could be in a drought ANY MINUTE?!?!?!!!! 🙂 I’m so glad he puts up with me.

Anyway. We wasted some time and some money this weekend. We went to one of the most useless classes I have ever been to. It was bioenergetics of rope. During the class the teacher introduced a shitload of jargon I have never heard before, refused direct requests to explain, and then proceeded to spend 6 hours talking while telling us that the theory doesn’t matter, only the practice does. Oh, the practice means we did a little scene off on the side of the room and the creepy guy watched. What a fucking schmuck. I got better answers to my (many, many, many) questions from other students. Noah’s comment after the first day of the class was, “I liked the hunted look he had after a while of you asking question after question.” Today he just looked annoyed. It seemed like he went home and decided that he wouldn’t let that pain in the ass derail his class again! Schmuck. He ignored almost all interesting questions and was totally hypocritical. He also told me that the way I have been doing suspension (as a top and as a bottom) is just plain wrong and didn’t really explain why. There was also another chick in the class who very smugly said that suspension is very physically grueling and it just isn’t something that everyone can do. Why yes, you obsessive yoga-doing-freak there are kinds of suspension that are physically grueling enough that I wouldn’t do them with just anyone. Like lifting someone into an inverted suspension by one ankle. I won’t do that because you can pull the leg out of joint if there is too much pressure. But clearly her standards are different than mine because I have done that exact suspension while weighing about 190 pounds and I was incredibly inflexible. I am quite confident that I can suspend *anyone* thankyouverymuchyoulittlebitch. Oh, and they spent a while going off on how western style suspensions are inherently inferior to Japanese style rope.

By this rant you can’t tell that they seriously pissed me off. Really, I bet you can’t. Fuckers. In other news–the scene with Noah was Hawt. I loves me my boy.

And if I move further back in time I am looking at a long-overdue date with Spot on Friday. During this date I was tired, boring, and generally unentertaining. I swear honey–I will make it up to you. It was a hard week.

But yeah. It’s been a weekend. 🙂

Yay much

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We are still making steady progress on the less-suck relationship wise. There have been a couple of remarkably good days with Noah and Spot and I had a nice dinner then Ikea run last night cause I was getting impatient on the no-date-for-a-while thing. Ok, I don’t hate them anymore. And the house is getting steadily less awful in my view and my view is the one that matters on this one. 😉 Being able to see visible progress on the mess is significantly helping my mental health actually as it lowers a lot of my anxiety. I really don’t handle living in a mess well. I’m still ignoring some of the filth because a lot of it isn’t worth dealing with right now because we are going to be painting soon and changing the carpeting.

I’m still having nightmares about being unprepared for school. I think this is getting ridiculous. I’m almost to a point in the house where I’m going to switch to school prep for a week or three. 🙂

Very cool poly t-shirt

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A burner friend designed a poly/queer logo and I think it is simply beautiful. At the pressure of many of his circle he set up a cafe press shop and is selling stuff with it on them. I have already bought a t-shirt and I think it is really awesome so here ya’ll go with the link: http://www.cafepress.com/LetLoveHappen (I’m well aware that cafe press is rather sizest, but it is the best starting place he could come up with.)

Cause we need to let love happen.

Hard but worth it.

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Don’t you hate those fucking Opportunities for Growth? They really suck. Sometimes they really really hurt in the moment. Sometimes you just want to say, fuck this. Feeling this way can’t be reasonable.

But it isn’t about the feelings be reasonable. Are the bad feelings fixable? Can you look at the problem and say, “What is it that I am missing/needing here?” Maybe it is going to hurt like a son of a bitch, but just maybe it will be worth it. Maybe they are worth it. Maybe. Gotta try though. Just have to.

For the record

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The boys have come to the conclusion that I’m not reacting to alcohol I am just sick. I threw up four times today, the last time I had only had green tea flavored water. I’m just sick. I did manage to keep some soup down this evening but moving around still causes my stomach to hurt enough that I am calling in sick to work tomorrow.

I didn’t do that much partying last night. I had three drinks over the course of about three hours. Although last night that was enough to make me black out portions of the evening and catch my hair on fire. I don’t want to talk about it. I feel like a total fucking idiot and for the life of me I don’t understand why Google Boy was willing to come take care of me today after I made such a horse’s ass of myself. *bang head against wall*

I am sick. I feel really awful. I would want to cry, but the boys in my life have babied me so much today that even that doesn’t seem necessary. They traded off taking care of me this evening and had a lovely little chat over my prone form. I really like both of them. I am so lucky.

And real life returns

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I am watching a movie in preparation for class tomorrow. Oy.

The weekend was lovely. Portland Boy is sweet and fun. I think I likes him. 🙂 Breakfast with the boys was quite lovely. I think that the boys basically liked one another. Yay!!!

Yesterday we wandered around SF for a bit and had fun. When we finally got back to my house around 5:30 I passed out hard. He decided that I only got a two hour nap. Meaniehead. I woke up and made him dinner and we watched a movie. That was fun. “Quiet please.”

Today I took him down to Santa Cruz and showed him around a bit. That was quite nice as such things are want to be. 🙂 We came back and I tied him up for a while. I haven’t tied up a boy with the intention of having sex with him in years. Not since Tom. It was most disconcerting. I had a hard time getting my equilibrium back.

I also had a moment this morning when he was on the phone with his mother where I felt out of sorts and sad, but that is going to happen in my life.

Tonight we had good Indian food and started a movie I have to watch for class. Dropping him off was kind of sad, but I will see him again in about a month. 🙂

Time is so fleeting

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Right now I have a lovely boy sleeping in my bed. There are moments when I curse being a morning person.

I did not use my time wisely last night because while his plane was delayed I should have found a handicapped bathroom so we could fuck before even leaving the airport. Instead, I sat in the walkway waiting and had a very drunk, very obnoxious guy hassle me for about 20 minutes. I guess wearing a ridiculously short and intensely red dress will get attention. So we didn’t get to fuck at the airport. Very sad.

I dragged him to the grocery store after that so we could figure out what we want to eat this weekend. It was fun to fondle his ass and kiss him into silence periodically. He responds so easily to any aggressive actions. Once or twice he did remind me that he is bigger and stronger than me and can have his way if he wants it and that is even hotter.

When we got home I started putting dinner together and got distracted. Oh baby did we get distracted. I have had conservative friends ask in judgmental voices why I want to have more than one lover. Sometimes I want to tell them that I continue to want new lovers partially because of that moment of discovery one has with new or rare partners. When taking someones close off is still a great surprise and gift. That moment when someone will push me down and say, “No, I just want to look at you” and then devour my body with his (or her) eyes only. That moment gives me more happiness and self-regard building than most. That is when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have beauty. I am a big believer that being in love with someone positively colors one’s regard of them–which is hardly a bad thing–but it makes judgment of beauty more biased.

I also got to introduce him to the concept of different sizes of condoms. Hey, who knew that they could actually feel comfortable? Silly boy. (Fellas–I’m telling you. Try out different sizes and brands!!)

When we finished we went and found dinner on legs shaking from exertion. After eating we passed out well before 11. This allowed us to wake up in the middle of the night when just the proximity of one another lead to more desire.

Now I have been awake for about an hour. In two hours my boys get to all meet. I am nervous but excited.

Comfortably numb

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Last night I took advantage of the last night I will be able to go to BaGG for a while. I start full time teaching on Monday and I am so incredibly wasted right now that it would be irresponsible to do this to myself when I have a full day of work instead of just an hour.

I dressed up, or down depending on how you look at it. I wore lace panties, a lace body stocking, and a fishnet shirt. So I was arguably covered, but in body hugging see-through material. It took two shots of tequila to talk myself into leaving the house dressed like that. I was having a huge argument with myself over whether I am hot or not. I am not terribly brazen most of the time though I have been working at changing that. More times than not I hate my body. But I just didn’t feel like wearing my normal dowdy dresses. I wanted the admiring looks and the compliments and I know that the way to get them is to show off. I think that if Google Boy had given even .0001 of an ounce of anything that was less than totally reassuring I would have caved to my fear. But he off-handedly proclaimed that I looked great so I sucked up my liquid courage and went.

I talked to people. I didn’t do much flirting with anyone other than GB. I danced for a little while with a really sweet guy who has a beautiful smile and who is willing to swing dance with me! He can stay. 😀 I did hit on the dead guy though. (Long story) I ran into someone I know from vanilla dance events who was a bit surprised to see … so much of me … Yikes.

The ride home involved lots of talking. It’s a long drive and I decided to be nice and for once work to keep the driver awake. It is interesting to me to do storytelling these days about myself. I live so much of my life very publicly that it feels odd that people don’t know my story already. I forget that I am constantly meeting new people and they don’t know my stories yet. I always feel self-conscious when I tell the bad ones. I would rather just focus on the easy stuff, like sex, because that is less likely to make people feel bad.

Last night was interesting though because I felt more distant from a lot of the bad stuff than I remember feeling before. I was an unhappy, miserable, angry child–but that is all over now. Now I am so very happy. I am close to contentment (I just want to finish my Masters). And I am rarely angry. I do get cranky way too often, but that isn’t the same thing. 🙂 I think what I am having the hardest time with these days is the fact that I know I am cranky and I lash out at people in weird ways, but most of the time I feel happy. I wish I could maintain my level of happiness with more consistency. That is my next big self-improvement goal: how to minimize the cranky! I think that I feel happy most of the time these days because I am genuinely happy at work. I feel accomplished and competent and successful here. Not to mention that my coworkers are constant rays of sunshine and my kids are pretty freakin rockin. I won’t always have classes that are this cool so I am trying to appreciate it.

Today I am tired. Bone weary. Getting out of bed and out of the house was very difficult because there was a wonderful snuggly boy there. I feel like I am drifting through a fog. But it is a fog with pretty colors floating in and around it. Tonight I am sleeping all by myself. It is good and bad. I won’t have as much distraction tomorrow morning to make it so hard to go to work. 🙂 I get to spend basically all weekend with my Noah. Life is good. I need sleeeeeeeeeeep.

Positive

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This morning I said some things to my love that were hard to say. I don’t know that I would have been able to say them to someone else. But because I can say those things to him I know he is the right one.

Last night I found out that a boy I had totally written off as uninterested is actually very interested and has not been able to get me out of his head. Ha. Too bad I’m not available darling. But it is still an ego boost.

I get to see someone tonight who makes me smile and laugh and feel giddy. This NRE stuff is AWESOME.

I have gotten to be supportive of a friend going through a rough patch right now and I feel good that I can provide that even with my hectic life.

Seventeen of my students passed the reading quiz today. Two others tried hard but didn’t quite pass. Of the remaining twelve students only one was present the day we got the books and today. (So eleven kids either don’t have the book yet or were absent today. Attendence is an issue for my school.) I know that at least six of those kids will take it tomorrow and probably pass. If my prediction is correct I will have twenty three passing grades on the first quiz of the unit. Yes, out of thirty two. You think that sounds kind of sucky? Well, three of the nine who will fail it haven’t been in class for the past two months and there is no hope for them. My kids are actually doing really well. Many of the teachers in my department have as many or more kids with F’s and they have smaller classes. (Freshman teachers have 17-20 kids per class and they each have at least nine kids failing.) For the most part my kids are trying. I am very proud of them. They were awesome in class today. They asked me questions about the book and were attentive and participated. I walked out of class with a huge smile.

Today is such a good day.

The good and the bad of a weekend date with Google Boy (so far)

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Good:

  • When I arrived I discovered that he had a stuffed animal in the bed waiting for me in case I had not brought Ted. He has paid attention to me apparently.
  • He spent 2 1/2 hours making dinner for me. There was an amazing array and quantity of food. Not to mention that the presentation was spectacular.
  • So much amazing hot sex including a first for him that was rather lovely for me. He tied me up for the second time and once again did a spectacular job–I am seriously impressed with his imagination. I do so love me the boyscouts.
  • He made a really lovely breakfast yesterday as well. Followed by the ice cream we were too full to eat the night before. 🙂
  • Lots of slackage and more hot sex yesterday.
  • Lots of doing dishes and horrifying his housemate. “Guests should not be doing dishes!!!!” “Guess he’s never met a service girl before?”
  • A really sweet walk on the beach that involved lots of storytelling and him actually sharing stuff about himself. I thought it would take a lot longer before I learned these kinds of things about him.
  • A silly trip to the grocery store that felt very normal and like “just life” in a wonderful way.
  • A lovely time sitting around late last night drinking wine and more more more talking. (Ok, bits of that talking are fuzzy. That third glass was a doozy.)
  • Snuggling up for sleep with him and the stuffed animal again and just feeling happy.
  • Snuggling up this morning when he came back to bed really annoyed from work and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he smiled even though he had been super grumpy just seconds before.

Bad:

  • Said lovely dinner didn’t happen until 10:30 because we didn’t get here till 8. I was kind of cranky and light headed by then.
  • He wanted to watch TV yesterday and I told him if he did that I was going to just go home. He decided that wasn’t a good way to prioritize his time this weekend even if he is weeks behind on his shows.
  • Being cold most of the time. Santa Cruz is like that though.
  • Lots of bad dreams last night centering around feeling guilty.
  • I feel guilty today that I haven’t gone home and this date is starting to feel like spending a weekend with a boyfriend as opposed to a date with a shiney. I have some serious conflict internally about this.

Ups and Downs.

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Yeah, I have those down things. But then I stop and seriously think about how absolutely rockin my life is right now. I get to go spend time with Google Boy this weekend. (It’ll be great. He’s on call; I have homework.) Noah is off with a shiny and that is just awesome. Google Boy wants to take Noah out for a drink. I think this should wait until Portland Boy is in town–hell, it’s only 15 days from now–and all four of us can go have a drink or 3. 🙂 Have I mentioned how much I LOVE being passed around among boys I am into? *swoon* I’m so terribly excited. I had a wonderful weekend with Noah last weekend. I get to spend more time with Google Boy than I ever have before. (He has made some interesting requests about what I should bring. I will not volunteer that cause it would break Dana’s head just a wee bit more.) I am getting closer to done on my papers. (Squeeeee!!!) I get to Portland Boy sooooooooon. He will be Mine ALL MINE (unless he wants to be shared) for three whole days! YAY!!!

And you know what? The bestest part of getting to bounce off of Portland Boy and Google Boy is I get to come back to my Noah. Adventure AND safety. Dude, embrace the power of and! Things are uhhhhh going well with us. About as well as I hoped and better than I expected. How often does one get to say that? During my spastastic behavior of the last week he has been wonderfully supportive. He knew exactly what kind of bitch he was getting so I am trying not to feel too guilty for my mood swings. 😀

Ok, less with the babbling. Does anyone know of anything superfun that I should drag PB (I’m getting tired of writing it out) to on the 13th of May?