Tag Archives: sex

I did it! I did it!

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I made Noah come with oral sex! … Wait, you say so what? No no no…. you don’t understand. Noah is one of those, “I don’t come from oral sex” people. The kind who says, “It’s happened a few times ever but those times were flukes and there isn’t much point in trying.” Well, HA! I’ve totally been paying attention and playing with technique and it worked! I did it!

I am no longer inferior!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I go off to therapy where my therapist will congratulate me for overcoming this obstacle. (Dude, it’s kind of sad how much time in therapy has been spent talking about how pathetic I have felt for being inferior in this area.)

{my shit} Freakin out

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Not a good day. Not a good day at all. I’m having anxiety attacks and freaking out. I can point at specific things and say, “See–that’s why I am feeling this way” but it isn’t entirely true. Yes, I feel like this because of those things, but it is my interpretation of those things that creates the problem.

I want to be cryptic and I want to get this shit off my chest before kids get here so I can maybe calm down. I’m sorry baby, I don’t think privacy is going to win this time.

I’m still freaking out because of the scene that went so badly for me in December. I still feel edgy and scared and disturbed. I still don’t want to have sex much. I feel unsafe. But my beloved baby doesn’t feel these same things because he didn’t have the same experience. I don’t say that as a slam or negative statement about him–just as a statement of truth with no judgment. The trouble comes in because I don’t want to have sex. He does. Having ridiculous amounts of sex has been one of the big pillars of our relationship. So uhhhh now we are having a hard time because I don’t feel safe enough to do it and yet he still has the same libido he has always had. I feel pressured and like I am failing to live up to the basics of our relationship. Mostly due to the fact that I am pathetic, insecure, and stupid we aren’t doing the open relationship thing right now so he doesn’t have any other outlet either. This is a problem because I feel like I am not willing to meet his needs and I am keeping him from getting them met elsewhere. This very much feels like the whole situations becomes “all my fault.” It doesn’t help that we have this whole brutal honesty thing. I know he isn’t happy and I feel terribly guilty and awful.

Noah gets upset with me because I can take things he says and twist them just a little bit and use them to beat myself up for a long time. There is a lot right now I am doing that with. I’m having a hard time really believing that he should be with me given that I am failing to a)meet his needs b)allow him to get his needs met elsewhere. I feel like he is suffering because I am crazy and stupid and that isn’t fair to him.

I started thinking at some point this morning that I should just start completely shutting ‘me’ down and just do it. I realized years ago that I am just a hair and a bad day away from being multiple. I am very good at putting on a completely different personality in order to get through various things. I’ve done this since I was a little kid but I have always fought very hard to keep the different personas highly conscious of one another so I am not a real multiple. If I stopped fighting so hard I could easily disassociate completely though. It has certainly happened. I kind of feel like it might be better/easier if I just started doing that. I know that it would be a new and exciting kind of psychological damage and I shouldn’t be seeking new damage in the course of trying to deal with old shit but it feels right now like I am so broken that there is no point in trying to be anything else anyway.

I want to cut. I want to cut so bad I can barely breathe. I would almost like to retreat to the relative comfort/hiding place of being suicidal but I am just functional enough to know that it isn’t an option. I wish it was. Somewhere along the way of fixing my shit I realized that suicide is entirely selfish and I am just functional enough to know how much it would hurt many people for me to do it. I kind of with I didn’t realize it because sometimes I feel like I am drowning under the weight of having to suck it up for the sake of other people.

I don’t know how to be the partner Noah deserves right now. I feel so awful and pathetic and terrible. I hate that I *feel* like he would be better off if I completely disappeared so he could find someone better. I hate that intellectually I know that would destroy him and he would probably never feel safe enough to really look if I did something like that. I would give just about anything to not hurt right now.

The bell rings in three minutes. No more time for me to be stupid and self absorbed.

Oops…

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I had a conversation with a student who isn’t mine, but who has spent a lot of time in my room with her friends. We established that she is bi, has been “sharing” her girlfriend, and I know the lot of them wear collars. As soon as I realized I was giving advice on how to manage time in a poly relationship to a girl wearing a collar…. time to walk away. I’ll give her the advice in two years. 😉

Then today clothing was picked out based on its ability to cover the hickey on my arm. We didn’t stop and think about the hickey on my boob as I walked out wearing a scoop necked shirt. Second period asked me why I have a hickey on my boob. I blushed, then said, “Well… I’m married….”

I’m now wearing my sweater buttoned up to my neck. Very silly.

Being good enough

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Some days I get it into my head that I am not good enough. When I do this I latch onto something as an example to prove that I am not good enough. This time it’s related to sex. I’ve taken way too much pride over the years in the fact that I am generally considered to be very good at sex. I have gone out and deliberately learned how to be better.

But I’m not the best at everything. And sometimes knowing that hurts. Sometimes knowing that means that I hate the people who are better. Especially when they are people I know, people I am jealous of anyway.

I know I need to grow up, but this one sucks.

And in the process of being stupid and immature I hurt Noah. I wish I could be all that he deserves.

{dirtier} My life is your porn

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I kind of want to give a full, dirty, explicit description of what happened, but I’m tired. I got very little sleep. What I will say that this holiday season (I’m pretending that November is not part of the holiday season) was by far the raunchiest two weeks I’ve ever had. A terribly successful foursome was had. Much sex in public. All kinds of depraved things in the privacy of my bedroom including my first ever real live two boys in the lower bits sex.

Wow.

I’m sore.

Weird and conflicted

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My sex drive goes in waves. I realize that it does for everyone, but mine seems to peak higher than most peoples’. And my low tends to be near some peoples’ high.

Right now it is just nuts. I want sex *all* *the* *damn* *time*. Even at school it is hard to keep my mind off of it. Yes, I am having lots and lots of good sex. But I want probably 2-3 x’s as much. I want to be fucked hard. I want to be held down and used. I want to be beaten. I want to be tied up and left to writhe in my agony. I want…

It is strange. Cause it isn’t like I am doing without.

Pennies are so useless

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Unless you use them to keep track of how many times you have sex in the first year of your marriage. 😀

This way we will insure that the adage of “If you put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of your marriage and then take a penny out each time you have sex in the years after that the jar will never be empty” will not come true. Cause we are competitive. 🙂

I love my Debbie

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She talks at about 300 words per minute. She often moves at the same basic speed. And when she is busy talking in a bizarre mix of Chinese (Mandarin) and English it is even more spastic.

She is one of my oldest and dearest friends. She is wonderful. A bigger pain in the ass I have never met–she outstrips japlady any day of the week and twice on Sunday for driving me crazy. It’s great. And she blows through town once or twice a year and expects me to drop any and everything I am doing to see her, and I always do.

Right now she is deciding which of my boys she is going to borrow tonight. I think she is the only female I have ever met who is on par for my sexual voracity and openness. We compare numbers and lists of boys the way some of my friends compare book titles. It’s fun. I have given her dozens of recommendations on each boy. We are waiting until they get home before she actually decides which she is going to borrow tonight. How often does one get to do something like this? Hell, I’m secretly hoping we find out the capacity of our bed. She’s a lot of fun. 🙂

Edit about 20 minutes later: more reason to love Debbie.

“You know what? Why bother picking one? Why don’t we all just swing?”

YAY!!!!

Saturday morning conversations.

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So Noah and I are lying in bed talking and the conversation manages to get around to the fact that he thinks that everyone who knows me wants to do me. I disagree with this assertion. Not because I have low self esteem, but because I simply don’t think that I am everyone’s cup of tea. We argued and argued and no one was winning so I decided to take it to the most appropriate forum possible. LJ. 😀 So please, clicky clicky on the poll.

Do you want me baby?

Time is so fleeting

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Right now I have a lovely boy sleeping in my bed. There are moments when I curse being a morning person.

I did not use my time wisely last night because while his plane was delayed I should have found a handicapped bathroom so we could fuck before even leaving the airport. Instead, I sat in the walkway waiting and had a very drunk, very obnoxious guy hassle me for about 20 minutes. I guess wearing a ridiculously short and intensely red dress will get attention. So we didn’t get to fuck at the airport. Very sad.

I dragged him to the grocery store after that so we could figure out what we want to eat this weekend. It was fun to fondle his ass and kiss him into silence periodically. He responds so easily to any aggressive actions. Once or twice he did remind me that he is bigger and stronger than me and can have his way if he wants it and that is even hotter.

When we got home I started putting dinner together and got distracted. Oh baby did we get distracted. I have had conservative friends ask in judgmental voices why I want to have more than one lover. Sometimes I want to tell them that I continue to want new lovers partially because of that moment of discovery one has with new or rare partners. When taking someones close off is still a great surprise and gift. That moment when someone will push me down and say, “No, I just want to look at you” and then devour my body with his (or her) eyes only. That moment gives me more happiness and self-regard building than most. That is when I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have beauty. I am a big believer that being in love with someone positively colors one’s regard of them–which is hardly a bad thing–but it makes judgment of beauty more biased.

I also got to introduce him to the concept of different sizes of condoms. Hey, who knew that they could actually feel comfortable? Silly boy. (Fellas–I’m telling you. Try out different sizes and brands!!)

When we finished we went and found dinner on legs shaking from exertion. After eating we passed out well before 11. This allowed us to wake up in the middle of the night when just the proximity of one another lead to more desire.

Now I have been awake for about an hour. In two hours my boys get to all meet. I am nervous but excited.