I’ve been thinking a lot. And getting other peoples’ opinions. And talking to Noah. So uhhh yeah, in other words I’ve been continuing to be me in the past 24 hours.

What is enough? Is there any such thing as enough ever in life? Can I be enough? Can I have enough? Will I ever be satisfied? The conversation this morning was sticky and owie. Noah pointed out something that I am doing that is really hard for me to justify once I actually look at it. Honestly, that’s a hard thing. I feel like giving him a hearty smack and announcing, “No reality in this relationship!” But that just won’t fly for this one. I can only say that when it’s funny. Right now it would hurt. When people point at things about me and try to focus on them I generally pull them away. If Noah compliments me on some particular part of me then I try to hide it. For example, he really likes my hips/belly curvyness. My instant reaction is to want to put on a loose, billowy dress and hide that part of me. I got really upset with him that the part of my looks he is inclined to compliment most is all stuff below the neck, but why? Why do I get so mad at him? I would get just as mad if not more so if he *didn’t* compliment me in that way. It was suggested to me last night that there is a script I want to hear and if I want to actually get it I should tell him what it is. This… is something I am thinking about.

Do I really want him to just parrot back to me a script I write for him? I’m actually really proud of him for having the courage to say things to me he knows I don’t want to hear. That is very hard for him and he is taking me at my word that I want him to be honest and he is honoring me by giving me truth. I don’t think I want to take his truth away from him. I need to get better at hearing truth and understanding where it is coming from and not being hurt by it. It hurts less today than it did yesterday. This morning Noah read me a poem that he worries about me mimicking in terms of pulling away from the relationship. I would have appreciated the comparison more if he hadn’t told me that it is what Talia did, but hey–one can’t have everything. I pull away when I feel any threat to my security. I do it because I don’t feel safe enough to be giving of myself. I generally come back, I just need more security first. It has always been a hard thing for me that when I feel like I need to pull back people get upset with me. I don’t feel like it is fair that people expect me to continue to make myself vulnerable when I’m scared but at the same time I know that I am not the only one needing comfort at that point. It’s hard. I can sometimes be comforting but usually I can’t.

Yesterday I didn’t even want to go home I hurt so much. I stayed out later than I have in months without Noah. I didn’t even really tell him what I was doing even though we have agreed to do so. 🙁 I feel very immature. So scared. Still don’t know what to do. It’s hurting less today, but still hurts. Now I’m getting even more random and rambly.