Just got back from dinner with my nephew. He was stoned off his ass. He was not entirely coherent. I told him, it isn’t that I have a problem with all drug use period, it is that a 17 year old habitually using drugs means that he has a problem.
Like mother, like son. 🙁
Christmas Day did not end up going how I thought it would. Nevertheless it was absolutely fabulous and yummy. Mmmmm yummy.
He asked people to tell about a funny related to sex story. My story won’t be as funny as his, but it makes me giggle.
In the not too distant past when I was coasting back into the community after my hiatus while dating Puppy I was entertaining the idea of sleeping with lots of different people. I hadn’t done that much of it yet, I was still trying to decide who my next few conquests would be. Planning these things out is a good idea. There is a fellow in my local area who thinks Quite Highly of himself and he seemed to be deciding that I would soon be in his thrall. Near as I can tell, his MO is to push girls into having huge crushes and then string them on for quite a while. He only rarely actually sleeps with anyone. Ok, fair enough. I realized what he was doing after a month or so and decided I would *not* be one of his faithful groupies hoping for a look or some action.
The next time I saw him, after deciding to fuck with him, we started doing the hot and heavy making out thing we had been doing and just as things started to get very feverish and he was likely to pull away soon I pushed him off of me and said, “Enh–you aren’t going to follow through so I am done for now. Thanks!” I turned and walked away. About 15 feet away I turned to look at him. His mouth was hanging open in shock. He looked dumbfounded that someone had played his game on him. I laughed and kept going.
This game kept going pretty much until I stopped this last phase of slutting around. He kept trying and trying and trying to get me to be more engaged and fall for him and I just wouldn’t. That was fun. 🙂
[side note: I was in a craptastic mood this morning but a few hours of sex and all of a sudden I’m in a great mood!]
In other news, I’ve been talking to Tom more. After the fairly disasterous dinners we have been talking via IM and talking about some of the actual problems we have had and why they have existed. It’s good. The funny part is, at least a small piece of this was motivated by his most recent ex finding out that someone is friends with me and getting bitchy about it. I went and asked Tom WTF and he is confused too.
Love when people strongly dislike me enough to talk shit about me when they have never had a conversation with me. I want to be mature like that when I grow up!
Happy birthday yanijc. I’m sorry I forgot when I saw you earlier. 🙁
It is in oh…54 hours. Maybe I should put more information out. Ok, so I was kicked in the backside and told to do so.
Our idea is to sit around the house and eat leftovers (no guarantee on how much food we will have), open pressies, watch silly movies, be snarky. I promise no more than this. We would like it if people did not arrive before 10. No clue as to when we will want to kick people out cause I’m on vacation and Noah took the 26th off.
Uhm… if you want to bring food/drink feel free to call and ask us what we have/don’t have. You are not required to bring food or drink, but if you whine about our lack of food I will be directing you to a local Chinese restaurant and you will be required to bring me back chow fun.
#: 510-770-1590
43167 Newport Dr.
Fremont, CA. 94538
I have 4 RSVPs so far. It would be awesome if other people would tell me BEFORE you show up. 🙂
I need to stop ranting at Noah, so here is some of the shit running around in my head that I keep saying over and over and I need to stop saying because I am wearing him out.
I feel like I was set up to hate his mother long before I went to Texas. Noah has told me horror stories for years about what an awful person his mom is and given my own baggage in this area, of *course* I have issues with her. She is abusive, domineering, and autocratic. What is there for me to like? Even given my ingrained bias I went trying really hard to have an open mind. I really did. I tried to be cheerful and friendly and I did not try to pick a fight. Even so, that is exactly what she has accused me of. She said I showed up and was constantly abrasive and looking for a fight. Her characterization of a conversation I had with her is about as different from mine as it could be. I was trying to be playful and funny and she said I was accusing her of being awful and picked a fight. ?! Uhm… ok… No, I’m not passive. No, I’m not quiet. I don’t think that means I am always trying to pick a fight. I told her flat out, “That was not me picking a fight. If you want, I can give you a demonstration of what it looks like when I pick a fight. I don’t think you will like it.” I was feeling kinda… punchy. If me being really really good is still met with anger and nastiness I feel there is little left for me to do.
I have now spoken with his dad on the phone twice since Thanksgiving. The first time he apologized for the inappropriate conversation that happened the night before we left and we talked about how I don’t want more abusive people in my life so I am just not going to deal with his wife. The second time he called me to bitch me out (very gently–he isn’t a forceful man) for sending Noah’s little sister the book The Mists of Avalon. They feel it is inappropriate for me to have done so and I should have checked with them first and gotten permission and by not doing so I am usurping that bitch’s authority. [Cake topper–part of the reason they deemed the book horrible is Noah’s brother doesn’t approve of the book either. When I asked him why he refused to talk about it. He just said hat he doesn’t but it doesn’t matter because it is “Mom’s decision anyway.” They both blame decisions on one another and refuse to talk about why. How mature is that?] Ok, his dad thinks he just called to find out my intentions in sending the book and to let me know that I should never take such an action again without permission.
So the first call was good and the second call was just awful. Me being me, I’ve been obsessing about the second call and trying to figure out how I want to become more ok with it and I wasn’t finding it in my heart to just walk away from it. So I called his mother. I told her that I gave his sister the book because I was trying to share something with her that had been very significant in my life at her age. If she wants to view that as a malicious act that is pathetic and ludicrous. I also told her not to have her husband call and bitch at me anymore. She claims she didn’t, but whatever. We got into quite a conversation that lasted almost 30 minutes. She told me off and I fought back tooth and nail. I will not be another person for her to step on. I told her flat out that I was doing my very best to be polite and friendly until she was being abusive with her daughter and that I just won’t tolerate. She responded in a way that indicated that she knows it is abuse, but “there are reasons for it that make it necessary.” Fuck. That. Noise.
I’m really glad that I told her off. I needed to do that. The more I let someone kick me the more and more pathetic I feel until my self-worth is in the toilet. Telling her that I won’t put up with her shit made me feel much better. I was very good at standing up for myself and not letting her bully me. I wasn’t abrasive though. I wasn’t real nasty I was just extremely firm about my boundaries in that way I am good at defending my boundaries. That was about when she threatened to sue me. Awesome. I still don’t know why. I think this is the last phone call I need to have with anyone in his family. I’m done. They are all willing to continue perpetuating this cycle of abuse and I’m not. Near as I can tell her only reasons for hating me are that I am not willing to let her walk all over me the way she does with everyone else. I’m too loud. I have too many opinions. Yeah? That’s too damn bad.
{Edit} Leave a comment if you update your filter interests elsewise I won’t come check to see what you want to be seeing!! (This was a while ago and all.)
I have many filters. Most are at my discretion, but there are a few that are opt-in. Every so often I decide to ask people if they actually want to see these entries and seeing as there have been a few stalkers g-blog people adding in I thought I would let them get more of a choice than they usually get. 🙂 Everyone else can feel free to answer if you want to or ignore if you choose. 🙂 (That last part is a ‘duh’ but it makes me feel powerful to say it.)
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My mother in law threatened to sick lawyers on me! Or rather, she said that her not doing so already was a sign of the warm welcome she gave me. When directly asked, repeatedly, for what she refused to answer and just menacingly said, “We have the time and money to make things bad for you.”
Wow. That was… Special.
Side note: it makes me very unhappy that when I am ranting about this psycho I have to use the tag “family.” *sigh*
So I have a profile up on www.couchsurfing.com and a couple of weeks ago I got a ping. This very nice Indian guy currently attending grad school in Indiana asked if he could stay from the 18th-23rd. I knew that five nights would cramp my sex life so I told him the 18th-20th would be ok. Arranging this involved many phone calls trying to determine what would be happening. He wanted me to approve everything he planned to do while here and that was interesting.
He arrived last night. He is excruciatingly polite. It is also interesting seeing what he is ok asking for and what he isn’t. He brought his own towel so he wouldn’t be an imposition, but he has asked us for driving directions and food and cold medicine this morning. He also would like an extra blanket cause he is crazy enough to try and sleep with the door open and that is a bad idea in this house in the winter.
He is not staying for breakfast. He is going to run off to meet up with his girlfriend and spend the day escorting her around the bay area. They have an action packed few days ahead of them. And the poor guy is really sick. I am giving him liquid dayquil today and several packets of pills for later in the day. He is looking forward to trying nyquil tonight. 🙂 I hope he has a good day.
This is such an odd experience. Yet, I’m really glad that I am finally in a place where doing this is easy. This is exactly the sort of thing that I think people should be doing so it is good that I am finally doing it! 🙂
I haven’t done anything this morning. I’m feeling a little guilty about that. (I’m catching up on lj though!)
So I told Noah, “I got a lot done yesterday! I think that’s enough for one menstrual cycle!” Which amused me. Hopefully it will amuse someone else too. 😉
I was just pointed at: The Century Project
You should all look. Pictures of nudity, but respectful and amazing nudity. I cried as I read the stories. I’m going to send him money and buy a book.
As I was lying in bed this morning I was thinking about what makes sex good for different people. So here I am, soliciting the comments of my fun friends. 🙂
What makes sex good for you?
Two reams of paper. Many many candy canes. Some seriously high end chocolate. Home made white chocolate candies. Cookies. Skittles. A neat little book tree ornament. AND bitchin black/red/white argyle skull and crossbone knee socks.
Hell yeah. 🙂
My kids are working hard today. 2nd period was great and that rarely happens. 🙂 The juniors are writing an in class essay (I decided this late last night when I realized I didn’t want to teach today) and working very hard and taking it very seriously.
And 4th period I was called to sub for another teacher. Usually I turn this down, but I have little to do today, so what the heck. I had *fun*. It was a Spanish 1 class and the teacher has a backup copy of Pinocchio in Spanish for them. They watched the ending but then we had half an hour of nothing to do… uhm… Hey! How about if I tell you the real story of Pinocchio! Oh shit… that didn’t take that long… Want to hear about Beauty and the Beast? How about The Little Mermaid? Cinderella?
I had a blast telling them the original versions of the stories and they were really attentive and interested and great. yay!
And my babies are cheerfully signing up to bring me food tomorrow for eating as we watch cartoons. 🙂 Skating till vacation rocks.
Not to mention that my 2nd period aide got all teary-eyed because I gave her nice bath stuff (she’s exceptionally girly). And my 3rd period flamer aide is so happy about the feather boa. And 5th period bounced like a 4 year old when he saw his legos. He’s playing with them right now. 🙂
One of my most hyper and difficult to manage kids has been coming to 8th period social club for a bit and working really hard to get his grade up. He stayed after everyone else left to get in some one on one conference time. I asked him what is going on with his constant talking and disruption. He told me that by 7th period it is just impossible to stay still.
Me being me…
I told him that from now on if he is good for most of class I will give him Play Doh and let him play for the last 10 minutes of class. ANYTHING to lower the number of disruptions in my class is worth it.
He left vibrating with excitement and he said he is totally going to do it. 🙂
Today I am bored off of my ass. So I am looking at the grades of my students. It’s kind of funny how the parents of kids with low F’s are yelling at me about my failure to teach their kid yet they are failing either all or the vast majority of their classes. Yeah sure. It’s cause I am a crappy teacher.
I had a thought on the way home about why I might be feeling so raw about the Noah stuff.
For the vast majority of our relationship it has been very acknowledged that he was much more into me than I was into him. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t tremendously into him… but there was an imbalance. That imbalance gave me security and power. Not sure when, but sometime recently I realized that I was no longer in such a position cause yeah… I’m pretty freakin obsessed with him. I am crazy about my husband. I think I let myself fall far and hard when he and I actually got married. And we have spent a lot of time lately going over what we want our future plans to look like in terms of me staying home with kidlets for a good many years.
So, what this means is that fairly recently and fairly suddenly I have gone from being rather independent and in a position where I am establishing my own security to needing his cooperation to ensure continued stability in life and in the not too distant future I will be in fact, financially dependent on him.
Cue panic attacks.
Maybe this is why all of a sudden it means the End Of The World if I am not the Best and Prettiest and Most Wonderfulest EVER. I’m scared. If we keep moving forward with current plans, in about 19 or so months I will be more dependent on another human being than I have been since I was 15. I’m terrified. Maybe this is why the idea of poly is causing me to wake up with night sweats. I’m so afraid of not being independent and yet there are things I want that preclude being completely independent.
Luckily, Noah is the most open minded and wonderful of men and he is trying very hard to be supportive as I struggle with this mental shift. So grateful for him.
I’ve been thinking a lot. And getting other peoples’ opinions. And talking to Noah. So uhhh yeah, in other words I’ve been continuing to be me in the past 24 hours.
What is enough? Is there any such thing as enough ever in life? Can I be enough? Can I have enough? Will I ever be satisfied? The conversation this morning was sticky and owie. Noah pointed out something that I am doing that is really hard for me to justify once I actually look at it. Honestly, that’s a hard thing. I feel like giving him a hearty smack and announcing, “No reality in this relationship!” But that just won’t fly for this one. I can only say that when it’s funny. Right now it would hurt. When people point at things about me and try to focus on them I generally pull them away. If Noah compliments me on some particular part of me then I try to hide it. For example, he really likes my hips/belly curvyness. My instant reaction is to want to put on a loose, billowy dress and hide that part of me. I got really upset with him that the part of my looks he is inclined to compliment most is all stuff below the neck, but why? Why do I get so mad at him? I would get just as mad if not more so if he *didn’t* compliment me in that way. It was suggested to me last night that there is a script I want to hear and if I want to actually get it I should tell him what it is. This… is something I am thinking about.
Do I really want him to just parrot back to me a script I write for him? I’m actually really proud of him for having the courage to say things to me he knows I don’t want to hear. That is very hard for him and he is taking me at my word that I want him to be honest and he is honoring me by giving me truth. I don’t think I want to take his truth away from him. I need to get better at hearing truth and understanding where it is coming from and not being hurt by it. It hurts less today than it did yesterday. This morning Noah read me a poem that he worries about me mimicking in terms of pulling away from the relationship. I would have appreciated the comparison more if he hadn’t told me that it is what Talia did, but hey–one can’t have everything. I pull away when I feel any threat to my security. I do it because I don’t feel safe enough to be giving of myself. I generally come back, I just need more security first. It has always been a hard thing for me that when I feel like I need to pull back people get upset with me. I don’t feel like it is fair that people expect me to continue to make myself vulnerable when I’m scared but at the same time I know that I am not the only one needing comfort at that point. It’s hard. I can sometimes be comforting but usually I can’t.
Yesterday I didn’t even want to go home I hurt so much. I stayed out later than I have in months without Noah. I didn’t even really tell him what I was doing even though we have agreed to do so. 🙁 I feel very immature. So scared. Still don’t know what to do. It’s hurting less today, but still hurts. Now I’m getting even more random and rambly.