I did four conferences in 1st period.
I did four conferences in 2nd period.
I did four conferences in 3rd period.
I did four conferences in 4th period.
I did four conferences in 5th period.
I did six conferences during 6th/7th.
Twenty-six teacher conferences in one day is a shit load and I am totally exhausted. It means paying intense concentration to one kid at a time and that is grueling. My master teacher says she considers it great if she gets in sixteen in one day. I am a rock star.
So, this weekend is going to be pretty psycho.
This afternoon my goal is to finish cleaning up my house because it is craptastic and it is really making me go nuts. If I get a hold of my friend Marcus I am going to head up to the city this evening and see him. I decided that it would be a good thing. He has been a friend since I was 17 and we have gone through different phases of closeness but he has been doing his best to step up to the plate lately. I will be crashing at his house tonight. In the morning I am going to head over to Hayward to help my lovelies with packing theirtruck so that they can move. Then I will trot up to therapy. 🙁 We’ll see how well I manage after that. If I am still feeling buff and strong and such I will go back to help my friends move. It may not happen though because I am already feeling very fragile emotionally and if I am not up for it I can’t force myself. 🙁 Saturday night my friend is having a housewarming and I haven’t seen him in forever. I will probably go over cause he lives about a mile from me.
Sunday I am grading and doing lesson plans and helping my friends unload their hot tub in the afternoon.
I haven’t decided if I will let Phil come down. I do have his Christmas present…
🙁
Rob says: “Virgo Horoscope for week of December 8, 2005
To convey the dirt simple oracle you need to hear, I’m going to steal a line from the poet William Kulik: “You can’t get it because you’ve already got it.” In other words, Virgo, your only hope for enjoying the lovely experience you’re wistfully fantasizing about is to register the fact that the lovely experience is available to you right now. It’s already yours for the taking.”
I don’t like this idea even slightly.
I am getting so sick. My throat is about to give out on me altogether. I am tired of my stomach hurting. I have started eating even though it makes my stomach hurt so bad that sometimes I throw up. I am tired of having a fever and just generally feeling like shit run over by a semi. I want Puppy. I want him so much I physically ache with missing him. He wants to see me and I know I should say no but it is so hard. He is the only one I really want. I want to curl up in his lap and cry and cry and cry while he strokes my hair. And for some strange reason despite being totally depressed and feeling like shit, my libido kicked in about two days ago and the want of sex is starting to hurt. I am terribly spoiled.
I want him. I want him. I want him. I miss him. I love him. It’s been two weeks and I still feel like I just want to slash myself open. It is very hard to not cut. I know that right now I want to punish myself for not being enough for him. I know that is bad–don’t bother to tell me. I still feel that way. I want to not hurt anymore. I don’t know if seeing him will make it worse or better. God I hate this.
Is anyone else getting a huge pile of back comments that were never emailed?
This morning I am so tired I hurt. I will somehow manage to get through today… I don’t really know how… but I will. Then as soon as I finish teaching I am going home and I am sleeping. I am on the verge of loosing my voice too. 🙁
For whatever reason my observation went really freakin well. I had three people in my room observing me. Can I get a wince from the teachers? They all raved about how the lesson went and how my students and I interact and they liked the lesson plan. I feel good.
I really needed the boost to my teaching ego.
I wanted to go back to Fezzi’s and help out today because they are terribly short staffed, but my throat has picked today to give out on me. This sucks in terms of helping Fezzi’s because it is far more important that I rest my throat so that I can work this week. It is better for my ability to get the work done today that I wanted to get done though. A mixed bag of results I suppose.
Yesterday was interesting. I was incredibly productive first thing in the morning and then I went to a friend’s house because she is moving and getting rid of a bunch of stuff. At her house I acquired enough knitting stuff to satisfy the Christmas wish that I had and then some. She also gave me a freak load of candles, which I appreciate cause I am getting into them in a big way again. Then I went to Noah’s ex-girlfriend’s garage sale. (It has been interesting meeting her in general. It is solidifying some of what I know/believe about Noah.) She is getting rid of basically everything she owns because she is going to be living in Japan and will have no room for it. I got a bunch of clothes, some movies, and a bread machine for $33. Dude. I have always wanted a bread machine…. 🙂 The back of my car is stuffed to the gills and I didn’t have the energy to unload it last night.
Cause after the garage sale I went up to Dicken’s and spent around six hours there. I watched shows and danced and talked to people that I like and miss. It was weird being there. I felt like I belonged there and yet like an outsider. I miss working a great deal. Thus I offered to come help and work today, but that is not to be. 🙁
Then I went to my sister’s party. I felt like a judgmental, uptight prig. Apparently she has tossed the concept of “sober” to the winds and I wasn’t actually aware of that. They all got high and sat around drinking while bitching about their dead-end, mindless jobs. I was really glad that I had a friend show up. What in the hell am I going to talk to them about? The pressure of grad school and having a job that demands so much time and energy that I am about to drop from exhaustion when they are bitching about not being allowed to work remotely so that they can actually not work instead of having to mask their not-working in the office? Uhm, yeah. Not exactly the brightest lightbulbs in the box. And my cousins were there with a bunch of their friends and I have no respect for any of them. The one who is doing ok and is somewhat successful is now an assistant manager at Burlington Coat Factory. The other two don’t manage to hold a retail job for very long without getting fired. All of the girls in the group looked like they starve themselves in order to not get fat. It was kind of gross watching the guys chow down and the girls were standing off to the side staring at the food with longing. I didn’t have anything to drink and I don’t really like pot much anyway so I skipped that. It was mindless escapism and I don’t want to do that. My day-to-day life is not something I need to run away from. It is a crazy amount of work and pressure, but I am happy with what I have worked for and achieved. One of the adults there was the father of my cousin’s boyfriend and his other daughter was there as well. He was talking about his prison time and how his third wife is 28 right now. He is 42. He bragged about how he may have to get older but he doesn’t have to grow up. I am a judgmental bitch and I thought he was pretty pathetic. In fact, I think I should avoid my sister’s events in the future because I don’t really contribute positively to the environment…
Cleaned my kitchen and dealt with packaging and freezing all the food I needed to deal with. It’s about damn time (the stuff is still ok… I ate some…).
I cleaned my room and put away all of the clothes that have been accumulating.
I put away all the toys.
I sorted a bunch of stuff for me to list on freecycle tomorrow.
I hung my pink fuzzy shower curtain over my window in the living room.
Cleaned up my bathroom and put away all the stuff that Puppy dumped on me.
What I still have to do in my house:
clean off the coffee table
list all the stuff on freecycle and get it out of my house
organize some paperwork
hang all of my pictures
figure out some sort of ritual to make this space less toxic for me. I don’t like that I walk in here and feel empty and vulnerable and sad.
do laundry
little pick up stuff
clean the toilet and shower, vacuum… I think that is it. I think I can get most of that done this weekend even with the fact that I won’t be home for the rest of today. 🙂
Although–tomorrow I have to do lesson planning like crazy. And the scary lady is going to be observing my class. 🙁 I’m willing to bet that I will spend about three hours on that. I also need to finish my paper for assessment. I’m trying to decide if I am going to decorate for Christmas. Actually, that might be the very ritual I need to make this my home. Christmas is a huge deal for me personally and I have been building up a lot of negative associations over the last few years. I am single this year. I haven’t actually been ‘single’ through Christmas before. I have always been involved with somoene and my enjoyment was tied up in whether or not they were around/doing what I wanted to do. This year I get to figure out what matters to me and what rituals and traditions are just for me. That is both freeing and terrifying. Who am I?
A friend and I didn’t quite communicate clearly so I am hunting for a comp for Dickens Fair tomorrow. Anyone have one they would be willing to let me have? 🙂
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Julia.
Have I mentioned Julia yet? I am not going to sit here crying the whole week before Christmas now. I am going to be in Boston seeing one of the most wonderful women on the planet. I am so grateful for my friends.
the fact that I am so healthy that my doctor will remark how unusual it is.
Jamba Juice once again. I tried the other cherry one…. I’m going to stick with the orange mix.
My doctor says that I am remarkably, almost freakishly healthy. Everything is as optimal as can possibly be hoped for. She thinks I should go see a gastro-intestinal specialist and I don’t have insurance for that until January, I think most of the way through January. Although Jamba Juice has helped remarkably and I think I may be able to get my calorie count to a reasonable level with a shot of that every day. Yes, I should buy the fruit and make it at home. I’m too apathetic and I just won’t get around to eating at all that way.
It is strange how my body and my emotions are just completely fucked over and upset and yet I’m doing really well at teaching. I am somehow managing to suck it up.
cherry orange whatever from jamba juice. It was soooooooo good and it stayed down.
Peter because he told me to try jamba juice and he listened to me whine and freak out and just generally have panic attacks.
my California Lit professor because she granted me an incomplete so that I can do my paper for her over Christmas break instead of while I am tearing my hair out.
Marcie because she has endless patience with my whining and misery.
Angela because she is willing to be mommy.
Rebecca because she is going to Dickens with me and my sisters party and invited me to do something with her on Friday. She is on a one woman compaign to keep me from calling Puppy in tears and I appreciate it.
J because he has called and emailed and is trying to be so very supportive.
my seniors because they told me that they really liked the lesson on Monday that I was ripped apart for and they think I am doing a great job and they said that they are going to be very unhappy to lose me at the semester because I am a great teacher.
my juniors because I ripped them a new one and was really harsh today and the end response was them telling me that they know they are hurting themselves and they are going to try harder.
having my experiment with wait time pay off. 1st period started off deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead and then I just sat there and stared at them and they eventually had a brilliant discussion!
my master teacher for rocking my socks off every day with her support and encouragement.
my coworkers for entertaining me till so late at night so I don’t feel like I have to go home alone and feel shitty.
So, my sister is having a party on Saturday and she told me to invite all my friends. I think she is insane, but I’m going to do it apparently. 🙂
Details: Saturday December 3rd. From 6-9 it will be somewhat mellow, but after 9 it is byob and do whatever you please. I’m not sure she means do whatever you please in the sense that my friends do… but she has told me that she means it about 8 times. I’m going to have to trust her. It is my intention to go. Would anyone be interested in joining me? It is South San Jose, actual address will be emailed…
http://www.demonbaby.com/blog/2004/01/irresistible-dating-prospects-from.html
with a truncated friends-list? Less to read. Ya’ll aren’t posting much these days. 🙁 What do I do with my desperate need to procrastinate now?!
I’ve had half a dozen people tell me tonight not to call him. I’m sure that if I talked to anyone else they would do the same thing. I haven’t called him. I want to. I know it would be drama. It would also be a measure of comfort. Cause he wants to talk to me and I want to talk to him and we like each other and all that jazz. Then why did the son of a bitch dump me? And why is he sending me emails that include:
“We had some very good things going for us, the timing was lousy though. I am willing to bet if we had met 3-5 years down the line it would have been different. My greatest fear is running into you later and discovering that you have become the perfect person for me, happily married to someone else. I’m not telling you you have to wait for me ;-p I’m just saying we were doing pretty darn well with a couple of exceptions.”
That sounds so much like he doesn’t really want it to be over. I want to hate him. I wouldn’t be so sad then. 🙁
My university advisor and vice-principal sat in on my seniors today and they ripped me a new one. They hate my lesson plans. They are not specific enough, and when I asked, “Well, do you want me to put a plot synopsis on the lesson plans or a copy of the overhead?” my advisor snapped off, “You are being sarcastic and I don’t appreciate it.” I almost burst into tears. What do you want from me? Seriously–I don’t understand what it is that you want me to do. For the rest of this semester I am going to have three page lesson plans with plot synopsis and explanations. I’m going to rip it all straight from sparksnotes because I am teaching five fucking preps you cunt rags.
I am so barely holding on by a thread. My stomach hurts so bad I want to throw up. I tried to eat and my stomach recoiled before I could even get the food in my mouth.
——————–
Break for Anna coming in. She is going to bat for me right now with the vice-principal. She thinks that I am totally be shafted and that a lot of the criticism of me is inappropriate and quite frankly, she is the only one who has the right to judge. She is the only person who has actually seen what I have done over any length of time. She is the one who has actually talked to me about my plans.
I still feel like shit. I’m going to see the doctor after the staff meeting. I just want to cry.
I miss Puppy. I got to talk to Noah for a while last night and I’m grateful. He helped me see a lot of points. I still want my Puppy though.
Why aren’t more people awake before 8 am on Sunday? I realize I should be working my ass off, but I keep crying and I want distraction.
No do overs. No take backs this time. I’m not enough. He doesn’t love me enough. I need to move on. Jesus Christ this hurts so much.