I know that when I talk about dealing with the hypnotism stuff I did with Noah I am very ambiguous about how I feel. It’s because I have a lot of different emotions. Part of what he was doing was watching me chase women and end up being rejected and feeling destroyed. Even when sex isn’t on the table my relationships with women can be tempestuous. He wanted me to only need him. He saw that as the best way of keeping me safe. I can understand why he felt so convinced.

Noah did things to me that I didn’t always like. He tried to take urges away from me that feel integral to my individuality. Sure, he was selfish and in some lights it was pretty fucked up. In other lights I can see why he was working really hard to keep me safe. He watched me make bad choices. He watched me get attached to people and put up with some incredibly shitty treatment. He wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again. He was going to block me from doing that to myself.

I’m going to get past it. Not all women are going to treat me poorly. Even though I feel bruised emotionally I will keep moving on. I’m not going to quit women any more than I’m willing to quit men.

I am going to hide at home and lick my wounds for a while. I had a crush. I allowed myself to build sandcastles for a while. I had fun dreams. It was nice to get that experience. I can’t be bitter about trying. It turns out it won’t work out.

I am not allowed to depend on anyone too much. They will all go away. In the long run I have me. I know that Gentleman wants to be there for me. I know that my friends love me very much and will do everything they can to support me. Also I will have lots of time when I need to sit in a room alone. I need to remind myself that in the end whoever or whatever I am is stuck in this meat sack. Her Gloriousness Ms Cher tells me that sooner or later we all sleep alone.

I have to be able to keep walking on my own. I can’t need anyone too much and it hurts very badly. This horrible knowledge about the inevitability of my life has been in my heart for a long time. It’s why I usually go hide somewhere to be alone on my birthday. I need to know that I will walk through most of them alone because alone is better than sad. Alone is better than not being able to feel that anyone loves me when I am in a room full of people who love me intensely.

I know that I am loved in a cognitive sort of way. It is a fact that other people experience this sensation in my direction. It has been expressed with enough intensity that I’m not going to argue about it.

I understand why Noah was willing to devote his life to obsessively serving me because he wanted to try to protect me. He wanted so badly to keep me from being hurt anymore because he loved me so much. He was willing to hurt me to keep other people from hurting me. I can’t bring myself to feel regret, not really. I would never trust anyone else in such a position. Noah was as well trained and as focused as such a person could be and he wasn’t enough. It wasn’t his fault. It is not anyone else’s fault that I have this deep well of inadequacy and self hatred. It’s definitely not this recent person’s fault.

This goes back to curling up into a ball to sob when I was 3, the first time I was put in a foster home. Why am I not good enough to be kept? Noah kept me for 18 years. He would have kept me longer. I have to use that knowledge to assuage my soul. Even if I am alone in this room right now. That’s ok. It’s ok to be alone right now. It doesn’t mean I will be alone in every room for the rest of all time. So many things can be true at once.

I am not so bad that no woman could love me without being allowed to abuse me. I can’t believe it. Even if it feels like it is true.

I will get past this. I can. Fuck. I need to sleep. I wish I felt less awake. Go to bed. No good comes from entertaining mean brain hamsters late at night.