Tag Archives: hypnosis

It’s all so mixed.

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I know that when I talk about dealing with the hypnotism stuff I did with Noah I am very ambiguous about how I feel. It’s because I have a lot of different emotions. Part of what he was doing was watching me chase women and end up being rejected and feeling destroyed. Even when sex isn’t on the table my relationships with women can be tempestuous. He wanted me to only need him. He saw that as the best way of keeping me safe. I can understand why he felt so convinced.

Noah did things to me that I didn’t always like. He tried to take urges away from me that feel integral to my individuality. Sure, he was selfish and in some lights it was pretty fucked up. In other lights I can see why he was working really hard to keep me safe. He watched me make bad choices. He watched me get attached to people and put up with some incredibly shitty treatment. He wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again. He was going to block me from doing that to myself.

I’m going to get past it. Not all women are going to treat me poorly. Even though I feel bruised emotionally I will keep moving on. I’m not going to quit women any more than I’m willing to quit men.

I am going to hide at home and lick my wounds for a while. I had a crush. I allowed myself to build sandcastles for a while. I had fun dreams. It was nice to get that experience. I can’t be bitter about trying. It turns out it won’t work out.

I am not allowed to depend on anyone too much. They will all go away. In the long run I have me. I know that Gentleman wants to be there for me. I know that my friends love me very much and will do everything they can to support me. Also I will have lots of time when I need to sit in a room alone. I need to remind myself that in the end whoever or whatever I am is stuck in this meat sack. Her Gloriousness Ms Cher tells me that sooner or later we all sleep alone.

I have to be able to keep walking on my own. I can’t need anyone too much and it hurts very badly. This horrible knowledge about the inevitability of my life has been in my heart for a long time. It’s why I usually go hide somewhere to be alone on my birthday. I need to know that I will walk through most of them alone because alone is better than sad. Alone is better than not being able to feel that anyone loves me when I am in a room full of people who love me intensely.

I know that I am loved in a cognitive sort of way. It is a fact that other people experience this sensation in my direction. It has been expressed with enough intensity that I’m not going to argue about it.

I understand why Noah was willing to devote his life to obsessively serving me because he wanted to try to protect me. He wanted so badly to keep me from being hurt anymore because he loved me so much. He was willing to hurt me to keep other people from hurting me. I can’t bring myself to feel regret, not really. I would never trust anyone else in such a position. Noah was as well trained and as focused as such a person could be and he wasn’t enough. It wasn’t his fault. It is not anyone else’s fault that I have this deep well of inadequacy and self hatred. It’s definitely not this recent person’s fault.

This goes back to curling up into a ball to sob when I was 3, the first time I was put in a foster home. Why am I not good enough to be kept? Noah kept me for 18 years. He would have kept me longer. I have to use that knowledge to assuage my soul. Even if I am alone in this room right now. That’s ok. It’s ok to be alone right now. It doesn’t mean I will be alone in every room for the rest of all time. So many things can be true at once.

I am not so bad that no woman could love me without being allowed to abuse me. I can’t believe it. Even if it feels like it is true.

I will get past this. I can. Fuck. I need to sleep. I wish I felt less awake. Go to bed. No good comes from entertaining mean brain hamsters late at night.

It’s not about you

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We have played around with hypnosis a couple of times recently. The first time the induction was, in my experience as a bottom to this type of play, not particularly deep given how long it has been since we have played with going under. Given that most of the verbal dialogue was along the line of how we had been playing anyway it made stuff a little more intense but it didn’t feel like being hypnotised

I told him I thought we needed a more intense induction the next time because I didn’t really go down. So a couple of nights later we got to talking about how we were feeling and he mentioned that he kind of misses what we used to do with taking sleeping pills. I said I’d be happy to grab 2 pills and head to bed immediately. I suggested that the going to sleep part might be a good time to practice induction.

He did. One of the things that is interesting to me about hypnosis is how you can remember and not remember it. Like, I know what happened but I could not tell you what he was repeating rhythmically to me. I don’t know exactly what he was suggesting; I just have to trust him.

He asked me how it was for me and I said “It was a better induction, I felt more limp/unable to move around much. I felt like there was a lot of room for more of a goal/story. I know it was very sudden and you didn’t have time to think it out.

I am not sure what/how we should change something to make it easier for you to stay hard.

I also think that if you want me to actually go to sleep for it I will take M first then 3 L instead of 2. I have such a strong metabolism for sedatives. **

We should probably also aim to get started on that as close to 10 as possible.
Perhaps part of doing such play better involve you sending me to prepare for bed earlier so that I am already in bed and sleepy when you arrive.”

What he told me after that when we were lying in bed was quite instructive. He had not particularly wanted to be more hard. He wanted the gentle rubbing–that was for something inside of him. Something young and yearning and almost healing. It made him happy in a quiet way deep inside that it’s ok for him to use an immobilised woman to just rub on the way he has always wanted to. He isn’t bad for wanting it and in this context he isn’t even bad for doing it.

Oh shit, dude. My whiny selfish whore self had been thinking, “Enh it was alright but I didn’t really get fucked enough.” How very embarrassing. I have never been one for denial–people who try to withhold sex/orgasms as a way of making me interested usually find out I just don’t come back. But this is Noah and he gets to do whatever he wants and sometimes not fucking me is better for him.

Oh, shit.

So the thing is: if I want to transition from egalitarian into power imbalanced I have to find a new normal around this. I have to reframe what makes something a successful encounter. I didn’t need to get off. I was there for his use.

If he got to do something he has always wanted to do and he feels like this was a deeply satisfying experience… then it was wildly successful and I need to work on how I feel about it when it is happening and afterwards. I need to take pride in work well done, not feel cranky I didn’t get off. I can masturbate the next day. Well, until he tells me I can’t. Ugh.

Ok. I can work with that.

** For nosey people: my sleep medication usage is necessary for long term health concerns and without the play aspect there are times when I double or triple up. My doctor is aware and is comfortable with the number of pills I ingest on an annual basis.