Since not long after marrying Noah I have met my own qualifications for being fat. It makes sense with how he feeds me. 🙂 I don’t have a problem with this. I don’t think I am gross or ugly or even particularly unhealthy. I don’t use the word in a self-hating way 95% of the time (though I admit I have very rare moods where I’ll add that word to every other hateful thing I say about myself). The main thing I mind about being fat is that I can’t wear most of my awesome dress up clothes. Not really a huge complaint in the scheme of things. I’m in fact slowly acquiring awesome clothes in larger sizes and not worrying about it.
I have a problem with the knee jerk reaction of “Oh, you’re not fat” when I make reference to being fat. Uhm. I can’t buy clothes in ‘regular’ stores. According to the BMI I’m obese (I think that’s bullshit though). According to the last sane/rational doctor I talked to I have been ~40 lbs above my optimal weight for years. Uhm, that’s fat, folks.
That said, it’s hard to tell if I currently have postpartum hyperthyroidism popping up or if I am just not able to consume the 4,000 calories I need to maintain stable weight with two nurslings. My midwife suggested postpartum hyperthyroidism because I’m dropping weight so quickly. I’m 8 lbs. below my pre-pregnancy weight as of this morning. I have 4 lbs. to go before I hit Shanna’s pre-pregnancy weight. I gained weight with both miscarriages. I’m not especially worried about the weight loss in either case. Postpartum hyperthyroidism cures itself after a while (and you usually gain the weight back pretty quickly) and more generic weight loss when I am eating like a horse is ok with me. So neither is worth much concern. I am so not going to be on anything resembling a diet anytime in the near future if ever again.
So I’m reaching the nebulous point where I start questioning my own usage of the word fat. Once I start shopping in ‘regular’ stores again, once I hit a point where my own view of my body is, “Ok I still have chunk -here- but mostly not so much” then I start feeling like I shouldn’t use the word. Mostly because I think it is no longer accurate, but at least partially because when I use it people seem to take it as a judgment of *them* and that’s a mixed bag. I really wish I could describe myself using terms I feel are accurate and have people just accept them as is. I don’t hear people arguing with me when I say, “I’m a brunette” and I wish that fat had about the same impact. For me it’s absolutely about word reclamation. Probably similar to how I use queer.
And I can feel my brains being sucked out of me by a nursling. I’m going to lose all coherence now.